Thursday, December 31, 2009


Since I last wrote, chemo treatments are finished...yay! Reconstruction has progressed...bah humbug! Honestly, I apologize for not keeping in touch here or elsewhere, but I just haven't had the strength to write. They say it can take months to feel back to normal. I'm not certain I ever will. After that stay in the hospital I just seemed to feel weak most of the time. I haven't painted either. I rest. That's what I do. I'm on a post treatment 5 year course of medication which has it's own potential side affects, some of them similar to chemo. Bone pain persists; my hair hasn't grown back yet; and the reconstruction process has become painful...all of which has me feeling very impatient.

I find myself questioning every decision I've ever made in my adult life. Why did I do this or that? What on earth was I thinking then? Could I have done this better? Things like that. I won't bore you with the details of each question because what's important is that I'm questioning everything - the way I brought up my kids; who and when I married; eating and sleeping's now 6 am, I've been awake since two having gone to bed at 10 pm with the television on. I suppose I could have taken a pain killer or sleeping pill but I am fearful of it becoming habitual.

Life in polygamy goes on. It's neither great nor bad, it just is. Hubby is getting less and less afraid of my condition which is good. Sister wives are tired of it, or that is what I perceive anyway. I am attempting to do more around the house but continue to long for my own home. I think I am better suited to have hubby two days/nights a week to myself, rather than being with him every day but it's not necessarily my day. I see this as a goal for the future, though no one else in the family sees eye to eye on this with me. But I think our relationship was built on escape from our every day problems. That's not especially a bad thing because the chaos that is living in a large group is very tiring.

Tomorrow(today) is New Year's Eve, never my favorite day of the year.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Ramblings on stuff like FLEXIBILITY and sharing...

This time (2nd chemo treatment) not only did my blood count go south but I ran a temp so Hubby had to take me on doctor's orders to the ER. I wound up spending 5 days in the hospital. All's better now, for now and I finally have the strength to write.

I've been spending some time reading poly blogs (not always commenting sorry) and I can't help but think what a variety of people we are. How diverse our situations are and how differently we cope.

I was particularly touched by 3rd's latest post about Boss Baby. I hate to say it but it seems as though her Mr Hubby might actually be relieved of a burden should BB actually leave. I have a lack of empathy for her. I mean, I would never agree to be in a marriage where I only saw Hubby once a week! BB agreed to the situation, so should she be unhappy enough to leave then so be it. Hopefully, 3rd will get her day!

Is that mean of me? No, I don't think so. See, poly marriage is sooo complicated. One knows going in that sharing a husband is the concept, but in reality it can feel very lonely at times. Even though I would prefer to live in my own house, at least all under one roof we all at least get to talk to Hubby every day. And yes, sigh, we get to work out our difficulties with sister wives on a daily basis. There are times it's sort of like being in a constant "group therapy" mode. It's work but it can be rewarding. I often wonder what it would be like only seeing Hubby once or twice a week. What if I had an emergency, medical or otherwise? I think the living situation on Big Love is ideal, but how many people can afford all those houses? And yes, even all in one house it's possible to feel lonely. Loneliness arrives at the darnedest times; like in the middle of the night when there's nothing to be done about it.

Flexibility is something that one needs in spades in polygamy. Someone commented to me that I seem to be the most adaptable of the three wives in this house. I took it as a compliment but honestly it can be a curse at times. Here I sit today, my day, waiting for Hubby and #1 to come home from visiting their son in the hospital. Do I resent it? NO NOT AT ALL...on the other hand, it's obvious they went out to eat afterwards, and I am having Ramen noodles for lunch lol..Seriously though, I think perhaps 3rd's BB is lacking in flexibility. As is my #2. It makes life in polygamy that much more difficult for them. So, I'm glad I have at least some of it myself.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

An Old Dog's Tricks

Cancer news:

I had my 2nd treatment a week ago this past Tuesday and once again my white blood cells have bottomed out right on schedule. No raw veggies, no pets/animals, no young children, no crowds and a slew of other restrictions. This time no Nupegen shots just antibiotics. Lots of fatigue but no rashes or anything so I consider myself lucky.

Normal News

Life here on what we affectionately call The Compound is back to normal now that summer is done. Summer is my very favorite season, even in Texas where it gets desert hot and dry. For us, autumn means less company coming over and more peace and quiet. #1 has struck up a friendship with my middle sister, the one that was here for my surgery. #2 has behaved better lol. Sorry but tis true. I have discovered since my illness that she means well for the most part. She is still overly chatty but I'm learning to tune her out. It only took a year and a half! Hubby has been great lately :)
Do I still yearn for my own living room and bathroom? Of course! I don't think that will ever change but I have grown to accept how polygamy works here finally. I think there would be less stress if we each had her own house but I understand where Hubby is coming from when he says it would be too much of a change for the other wives. He's right! A quick history story:
A long while ago there was almost another #3. She came very close to it. There was the getting to know the whole family thing, etc. She lived in the next town and had no desire to move here, so they tried it. No dice! Apparently, #2 has always felt that 9 am is the bewitching hour for her day! I can laugh now but honestly it's not amusing. The new let's try being a sister wife would pick up hubby in the late afternoon/evening when she got done with work. At 9 am SHARP #2 would be at her door looking to pick hubby up! No coffee or breakfast together or anything. When you consider that hubby's normal bedtime is after 2 am this was a huge problem to the new gal. HUGE. It didn't matter that her house was a 20 minute drive away. She was not going to get a minute of his time past 9 am. Oh, and both #1 and #2 would have to call in their good nights. I know how she felt, it's very disconcerting. #2 has done that to me and I live under the same roof!

It is very, very difficult to change an old dog's tricks. Do you think it's possible?

Sunday, September 27, 2009

hair and polygamy

Well, my hair decided to fall out the slow way...thinning, not in clumps. Just as yucky a way though if you ask me. Finally, yesterday, I had enough of it and asked Hubby to shave the rest off. It wasn't pleasant for him but he did it. It's an odd feeling, having no hair. wow.

One thing about the living situation here that is a plus for me while I am going through this, Hubby is always here. I don't have to wait for my day to ask him to do something like that. I'm not totally alone in the house five nights a week. And there is usually a sister wife around...well, that's not always a plus lol but sometimes it is!

I miss painting and writing and I wish I had the ability to concentrate on those things. Other than that this has been a week of feeling pretty good.

Hubby keeps reminding me he loves me and keeps apologizing for having such a difficult time dealing with things. Sometimes I just wish he would shut up lol...I hope the sister wives appreciate all the "extra" time they have been having with him because when all is said and done I intend to make up for lost time!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Things seem to get worse before getting better don't they?

Well shortly after writing the last post I had my first post chemo treatment blood test. Not a good result. My white blood cell were down off the chart and I was put on a shot to boost them back to normal. I cannot tell you how lousy I felt. This particular shot gives some folks horrible bone pain, I was lucky that I only had that for a day..but what a day it was. On the third day the next blood test proved that I had mended quite well and I've started to feel better. So it seems I will have 2 yucky weeks and 1 good week. Hey that's better than all of them being bad right?

At the moment I'm feeling pretty good and hoping that Hubby notices. He has been getting very down about the way I feel and my lack of energy to do almost anything. I may even cook dinner tonight for the family! That will be great.

I may even venture to art class this week. Hopefully I will be lucky to have chemo treatment 2 be easier on me.

Everyone has been helpful, I feel badly that I complain but I know I of the not so great character traits I've inherited I think.

I think I will take some of the advice posted here. Perhaps forgetting about the cancer for a day will be healing :) Thank you D~

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Can I be honest?

Cancer sucks. Yes. I know all about the people who fight this dreadful disease with a smile on their face, a quick joke on their lips, and the courage of a whole army. I'm not one of them. I tried. Honestly, I did try in the beginning. Everyone said I took the diagnosis really well, and I did. I didn't panic; I read; I asked questions; I assured everyone around me that I was going to survive; I went to a wedding; I made this plans or that. I comforted my husband and he decided to keep himself busy and act like everything with me was fine or would be soon. BUT IT'S NOT.

And it won't be for months.

Cancer in a poly family has it's pros and cons. #1 and even #2 have been helpful. They have tried, each of them separately, to encourage more interaction between me and hubby and more alone time. They have counseled him on my behalf. It gets a little better each day. But it's still not fine to have cancer.

Let's face it, I came here for the love of a man. I am happy to have a better relationship with #2 and to have the help of #!. It's good that they are here for me. But I really didn't need more sisters. And they are not my blood sisters who would have hugged me and laughed when I had my steroid rage the other day.The women here don't understand me.

Losing both my breasts has been awful. A long recovery on top of a very traumatic surgery for me. Breast cancer has been in my top fears as long as I can remember. For two weeks after surgery, I grieved their loss; barely speaking a word unless spoken to and avoiding tears. Then the pain of reconstructive surgery lingered and lingers still. It's a constant reminder.It's very difficult not to be depressed and fearful. At some point in the future will I ever be the person who can joke about it?

Chemo treatment is, well it's not good. Had my first one a few days ago, accompanied by steroid medication to ease affects of any allergies I might have to meds and to fight nausea. I did well. No reactions during treatment and the day after except for some heartburn. Once the steroid was stopped, it's another story. I woke up yesterday feeling like I'm getting the flu. I'm uncomfortable and achy. My head itches; everything tastes the same; and I can't shake the overall feeling of malaise. I"m so glad I don't have nausea on top of this!

When I get feeling somewhat better I'll write more. They say the worst part passes after about 10 days or so. I hope so. It's hard to concentrate on the page, but I thought I would offer my explanation for being away.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

One of many

This has been a couple of interesting weeks. Ups and downs in feelings; but the physical discomfort is somewhat abated, thank goodness. I'm even hoping I can get the go ahead from the doctors this week to DRIVE. Oh that would be wonderful!

Last Sunday I even got to go out to dinner! I was feeling pretty good.

Sundays are my days. Yes, I got the short end of the weekend stick. With a family this large, very often Sunday becomes family day. We have a pool; it's summer; friends and family show up.

I had to go in for day surgery this past Thursday (my other day) to have the incisions fixed by the plastic surgeon. They weren't healing the way he would have liked. I'm told this is because I have been a smoker most of my life. I've cut myself down to about 3-4 cigarettes a day now and sometimes none if I sleep alot. Consequently I am weepy, cranky and sullen. HaHaHa!!! ok realistically I'm MORE weepy, cranky and sullen than I would be.

One good thing about being in a plural family - I have lots of help around the house and I'm not lonely. But I long for a day of just me and hubby going for a drive or watching old movies, funny movies. I'm searching for laughter.

I'm about to change my diet over to mostly fruit and veggies. I don't have much of an appetite anyway and fruit and veggies are cancer fighters. They will also boost my immune system in preparation for chemo which will start in about 8 days.

In polygamy you are one of many people who have needs to be met. I;m pretty sure that when you have cancer, and have lost two of your body parts, it would be preferable to be one of two or three.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Two weeks or so out

I actually left the house yesterday!! Seriously, I am seriously bored. All this hanging around the house is frustrating. Only thing is I seem to have pulled a muscle in my side by getting out of bed on my own instead of asking for help. All in all though I'm doing well post surgery. I've had some moments that have been depressing or blue, but it's getting better.

This hasn't been the "bonding" experience I thought it might be for our family. When I figure out why I'll let you know. Suffice to say that #2 and I are no closer and I feel almost out of place. Older. Too old. Hubby doesn't understand what I'm going through and the constant discomfort I'm in is making me cranky. Maybe when I can drive I'll feel better.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

A week ago

It's been 8 days since surgery. Whatever made me think that I would be blogging when I first got home from the hospital, it was definitely not happening! I slept the first couple of days and barely remember them honestly. To be brutely honest, all I remember was being in terrible pain. The pain has eased up though there remains that god awful pressure feeling at the incisions and occasional waves of pain. Mostly, I'm functioning. I would love to have more use of my arms though because I can't even brew a cup of coffee on my own yet.

#1 and my sister have struck up a friendship! My sister loved her! #1 is my awesome nurse now that I'm home. So far all tests are negative but a pet scan has been ordered for next week and one node shows a VERY small "something". I know the doctor was more detailed with me than that but I'll be darned if I can remember everything.

Hubby's cousin took me to my appointment today, she was a big help since I can't drive yet and she's an upbeat person. I find I can't stay on topic too long or sit still long enough to write much else today, so there may be a spat of brief entries for a while.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Getting Close

yikes! My sister is coming here the day before my considerable expense I might add..It will be good to see her. This particular sister and I have had a love hate thing for many years but somehow she is always there for that I think of it. She is also the one who recently married.We have had our rough spots she and I but I love her to death. I just hope all the extra wives don't freak her out! It's one thing knowing and quite another experiencing it. Trust me on this.

Five more days. I am starting to be fearful. I don't know why, I certainly have had plenty of time to prepare myself mentally, physically and emotionally. Perhaps I wish sometimes that I had a better relationship with God.

Hubby is keeping himself busy. I don't know what I expect or want from him but I feel lost right now in a sea of people.

I received an email today which contained a link which I hope you can access here. The email said in part ...

What a beautiful portrayal of the journey, the dance we all dance regardless of our stage or grade or our treatment or surgery. Some of us walk off the stage after the dance but there are those few who are lifted to the heavens to never return. I am so thankful for each of you and your journey. Enjoy the dance, enjoy the partner who carries and lifts you and remember to live and love in the moment!!

I really hope you can watch the dance video in the link I enclosed, it's really beautiful. IN case the "enclose link" thing doesn't work, here it is to copy.

I sent it to #1 she watched it. Hubby is in a huge state of denial at the moment I'm afraid, so chances are he won't watch it. My nurse said this is very normal for spouses to avoid talking about what's going on. I guess she's right. I don't know. But it makes me sad that he is so afraid.

Friday, July 17, 2009

A Date Finally

I finally got a date for my surgery!!!

Thank god because the not knowing was driving me crazy. It feels like a pin was pushed into me like a balloon and the craziness is leaking out. Now I have to decide, silicone or saline. Oh, did I mention that I am going to have immediate reconstruction? I can't believe I'm doing that but I am. I realized long ago that my fear of getting breast cancer had as much to do with vanity as it did with fear of dying and the C word.

I'm hoping when this is all over I will have my femininity intact and feel good about myself. When I say "vanity" I mean I was afraid of disfigurement. Women don't say that out-loud too often. They either say their breasts don't define them or something equally as evolved and self-confident; or they just avoid the topic. I was told that the recovery from the reconstruction is longer and more painful than recovery from the double mastectomy. I'm anxious.

So, email me if you would like to know the exact date. I don't mind sharing if I know your name. I will say here that it is in about two weeks. Today I had a full body bone scan. It was yet another needle in my arm and about 20 minutes of staying perfectly still. The results could be scary but right now I'm feeling positive.

There has been a little tension here - between me and hubby and #2 and hubby and me. Like a circle. It's hard to explain, I don't know where to start. If I figure that out I'll post on it soon. It's not horrible, just annoying and makes me a tiny bit sad.

Speaking of sad, some people don't know the difference between sad and depressed, but there is a difference. Throughout my life I think I battled depression, on and off. I am accustomed to how it feels. Sad is a feeling I'm not used to. If I ever encountered it during my life I somehow got over it quickly. Crying is not something I do the way some women do. I've known women who can sit on their couch and can muster up tears without much trouble. They do it because they need a cathartic moment or ten. They emerge renewed. I will admit to enjoying a good cry at a movie or a book, so I understand the cathartic thing, I just never got into it. Heartbreak can make me cry but fear never. I grew to learn how to stare fear down during my lengthy and unhappy marriage. It was not something I learned easily. Consequently, it may take me a while to cry when someone passes away. I never cried the entire time my 16 year old's son hung in the balance, nor when my mother was dying. I don't know why. But here's the, I don't sit and cry but the littlest thing will bring a burning sensation to my eyes or a choked up feeling. Even teary-eyed. This, so far, has been the hardest part. That and the PMS feeling I have, grouchy/moody/giddy ugh.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

A good one.

I'm back home a week now. It's been the week to buckle down and take care of the cancer business. So I saw the oncologist and the plastic surgeon this week. Also had a full body cat-scan. I'm always afraid of what any test will find and this was no different. I won't know for another day or so and by then it will come mixed up with the pre-surgery visit to the breast surgeon and the total body bone scan. It's almost at the point now where there is no time to freak out so if I'm going to I better hurry up and do it.

Lol did I mention we have been baby sitting the grandkids for three solid days now? Actually, they've been very good. Just tiring.

Then Saturday night we all went to an x-treme wrestling match, which isn't normally my cup of tea but the boys love it and hubby is managing a small group of wrestlers. They are all having a great deal of fun with it and it's nice to see everyone having a good time. Especially hubby. There are just some weeks that I feel my age :)

Oh, a side note about hubby/my sisters and polygamy. (please refer to the post where I mention telling them about our family. ~

I asked my sister what she thought of hubby since this was the first time they met. First she made note that she hadn't really sat down to talk to him, and then, almost under her breath she said: "You finally got a good one." ha! ha!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Unusual tears

Well I took a trip back to my old hometown this past week. Also went to yet another state for a wedding and to see more family. It was really wonderful. Hubby joined me a couple of days before the wedding. Family seemed to like him :)

Here is what's interesting to me:

I almost came to tears when I got on the plane to fly to see my oldest boy and friends. And a couple of times when I was there, homesickness wasn't expected.

Then when I got in the car to meet up with Hubby and travel together to the wedding state, again choked up.

THEN, upon saying goodbye there, teary eyed and all choked up.

I am NOT a crier. Really, I'm not. I cry at a very sad movie about other peoples lives, on occasion, or while reading a very sad book sometimes. But rarely do I cry at real life.

Another strange thing. I really hugged #2 when I got home.

I am becoming a softy!!!

Had a really great week though. Lots of FUN and visits. I felt very close to Hubby and was very proud of him with my family. It was such a good feeling! We had a wonderful time together. Very affectionate and laughing. Lots of laughter. My boys seemed to have fun with him too. We weren't alone a lot but still we were very connected. I wish we could get away more often to refuel. I miss that very much.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Selfish Self-Centered Decisions and Feelings ~ Breast Cancer Issues in Polygamy

It feels like it's been a long time since I've written here. I know it hasn't been long. What's been happening is I could write something everyday but I don't want to over do it and bore everyone who reads.

Tuesday morning I went to see the so called famous Breast surgeon. In case you don't know there is one in every city and town. My sisters who only just found out about my plural marriage really wanted me to see this one doctor in the next city. I wanted to see her too. It's like if I'm going to lose my boobs please god let it be by the hands of a famous doctor, the most experienced doctor I can find. Well, I didn't like her. Neither did hubby and I could tell it wasn't because we had to drive to her city the night before so I could be on time for the early morning appointment. She just didn't seem to want to be my doctor. So decision made, staying close to home for surgery and treatment, now let's get on with it!

This is such a hectic time here in our house, besides what's going on with me. Kids home from school for the summer. More people in and out of the house than usual. Yard still not done. Extended family stuff. More chaos. Hubby loves activity. It can be fun but very hectic.

I will be traveling to visit friends and family next week. Then back here for all kinds of prep for the surgery/s. Oncologist visit; plastic surgeon visit; who knows what else. I feel badly that my surgery is going to interrupt everyone's lives around me. We may even have visits from my family - kids, siblings etc. yikes! Should be interesting.

I worry that Hubby will have too much on his plate. It will be difficult for him to make sure #1 and #2 aren't neglected, and knowing him he will feel they can't do without their allotted amount of time with him. When I think about that I just feel like crawling into a hole, and waking up when it's all over. Also I fear he will encourage #1 and #2 to fill in for him more often than not. I want them to help and I'm lucky to have two women living here who care for me. But I want Hubby as my prime caregiver, even if it means he's supervising someone else. Gosh. Polygamy complicates my disease and recovery, for me at least. Sometimes I don't like the way this family works, sigh, and I wish I could somehow get it to work better, smoother, flawlessly. Hubby thinks that means I'm unhappy here, but I'm not unhappy. I AM frustrated sometimes; my insides shout out for change but at the same time we laugh, we love, we have good times. Perfection is unattainable; should it be coveted? I don't know.

I don't want anyone to feel slighted or lonely. At the same time I selfishly want more of him. I want this situation to bring Hubby and I closer the way it might if we were monogamous - without pulling him away from the others. Ugh! Impossible maybe. Am I crazy? Wrong? Over reacting?

Thursday, June 18, 2009


I'm going with the poll results and going to incorporate the breast cancer into this polygamy blog. I may do a separate one also at some point.

Yesterday Hubby and I went to see the first breast surgeon I'm interviewing. #1 met us there. This is the surgeon I'm doubtful about but she turned out to be very nice. In my heart though I still have the nagging feeling I need another opinion. So I have an appointment with another surgeon in a few days..Someone highly recommended and with lengthy credentials and lots of years of experience. The problem is she's an hour or more away. This will be a big decision and a difficult one to make.

The good news is this doctor didn't feel that the cancer has spread. She said she can't be one hundred percent sure but she's pretty positive.

Here's the difficult thing about being in a plural marriage - it's hard to be selfish and self serving. But when you don't feel well, that's what you want to be. When you're scared that's what you want to be. When you're angry that's what you want to be. When you're sad that's what you want to be. More than ever I want Hubby to myself, but at the same time I'm grateful when someone else goes somewhere with him so I can sit at the computer and write, or hang out in my room and cry or nap.

Here's the good thing about being in a plural marriage - there are other people to do chores! It's hard to be depressed when surrounded by people laughing, swimming and in general having a good time.

Don't you just love summer? I love summer. Summer here is hot as hell but you can count on the sunshine which is great! It's always been my favorite time of the year. I feel younger, healthier and prettier in the summer. I don't get winter people.

I've been working on a garden in the area #2 wanted a new garden, it's been rough going because I got a late start and because the cats got to it, but Hubby's nephew is helping me now so hopefully something will grow and bloom there :)

Example of quirky difficulty in a plural marriage:

Buying beach or pool towels. I know that sounds stupid, and it is. I decided the four of us needed two towels each. Sounds simple. Of course they have to be different so you can tell which are yours. Try pleasing everyone... For some reasons a little decision like that can result in conflict believe it or not! I guess I still feel the need to please everyone. Hubby has been complaining lately that he always feels like he has to please so many people at the same time. I know what he means.

Anyway, I'm lousy at decisions in general. Breast cancer involves many decisions. This part is going to be rough.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Important Things

Here I am again!
2 posts/ 1 day
I'm impressing myself.

Anyway, if you scroll down you'll see a breast cancer awareness pink ribbon. I confess that I used to avoid those. Walks, runs, benefits, all avoided because of the symbolic pink ribbon. In my private world, breast cancer did not exist. Out of the blue not long ago I started to let go on the avoidance somewhat. There are all these cute, upbeat, breast cancer sayings on the internet.I haven't missed the irony of having those particular words in one sentence.

"Save second base," is one. Very cute, almost sexy and geared for my generation. Does second base even exist today?

"Save the TaTas," is another. Girlfriendy (sorry not a real word)and sassy.

There are others. I like them. They send their message without making me think of death.

They are many times accompanied by the pink ribbon. Hubby and his oldest son got tattoos of the pink ribbon with my name in it. I was deeply touched.So..the pink ribbon is added to my blog.

Gosh, you all have become my girlfriends in my new life, even you Hidden Sage! I mean that in the best sense you can think of HS. This is what I'm missing from my sister wives. Much as I love #1 and have come to appreciate some of #2's qualities,somehow I can't ramble with them, or vent, or gossip or any of that girl chatter we women can do that is as meaningful as it is silly. You, the readers here, are that for me. Even, I dare say those anonymous folk from a few months ago that trolled our blogs just to pick a fight. We all have had girlfriends that rubbed us the wrong way at times.

So the point is, it crossed my mind that the forces more powerful than I, won the avoid the pink ribbons battle with me. Let me tell you I'm not talking about God, but something or someone whose intention is to get my attention. Or, something that could be saying, "pay back's a bitch." Karma perhaps. However, in an attempt to stay positive and receptive to good power, I'm pushing those thoughts from my mind.

Now you know why I'm angry. Important things high up on the shelf went ignored for years. I'm angry at myself.

My Anger

The other morning I woke up feeling angry at the world. I walked around the yard cussing out the pets that were making growing an herb garden akin to climbing a mountain, and the strong sun that has burned what's growing even though I water every day; I kicked the leaky tire on one of the cars; slammed the hard to close gate shut and climbed back into bed to stare at the ceiling. It was a self-absorbed moment, almost as luxurious as it was upsetting. I realized as time went by that I was angry at myself.

I haven't been writing as much of late, not even very many opinion pieces- and those usually flow right off my fingertips as I type. I blame it on the household chaos but I think it was plain old writer's block. So for a couple of days I toyed with the penning of a short poem about my anger. Finally I tried. All I could come up with is this little trilogy of haiku, but it describes my feeling pretty well. To be honest my quilts aren't scratchy at all but it was the best I could do to describe the tossing that came before waking.

My Anger

I'm angry mostly
for putting important things
high up on the shelf

Anger wakes me up
seething into the morning
arms thrown to the sky

A scratchy cover
of anger filled twisted quilts
lay left on the bed

I'm told that anger is a normal feeling especially during a health crisis, but anger at myself is new to me, it's something I usually push far away.

A few days after that episode I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. It wouldn't go away until I cried. I'm not big on crying but I admit it feels good in a way.

Monday, June 8, 2009

A Poll of Importance to Me

Dear Readers/followers:

Please read the previous post here before reading further.

I need to make a decision about this blog. I want to keep on blogging about my choice in lifestyle, but at the same time I feel the need to blog about my breast cancer. Writing is what I do, have always done, and sometimes is the way I deal with things.

The choice I have to make is whether or not to make it all one blog. My fear is that my breast cancer journey will over shadow my plural marriage journey or vice versa. I am asking for your opinion. In the end I may not agree with the poll; I may do just the opposite of your advice but it will help me in the decision process, really it will.

Oh - I'm sorry to say that yes I have breast cancer and may have more. I got the first diagnosis this afternoon. I woke up feeling angry, mostly at myself, but also just angry for no reason. Like a premonition. Then I got the call on the results for the first set of biopsies. No prognosis yet and probably won't be for a few weeks. There are two more lumps to be biopsied. The results I got today are from both breasts, similar but different lumps. I won't go in to too much detail here, but there are another two, one in each breast. I have every reason to be hopeful of a good result so I am going to try to remain positive as I can.

Hubby shaved his head today which made me both smile and be annoyed. The whole gang is going tonight to get pink ribbon tattoos. Not me. It's a lovely gesture and I appreciate it but I'm still adjusting to this new knowledge...

I will say this - plural marriage means extra support.

Friday, June 5, 2009


I'm being tested. Just when I think I've conquered most if not all of my challenges another one comes along. A couple of weeks ago Hubby discovered a large lump on my breast, large enough to be visible to the eye although under my breast where my bra goes. How neither of us noticed this before I don't know as it is 2x2 cm. A day and a half later I was at the doctors office who sent me for a mammogram. Since then, I've had yet another mammogram, several ultrasounds and won't know for certain what these lumps are. #1 has been quite helpful in regard to helping me locate the right caretakers and doctors. #2 hugs me more than usual and Hubby is treating me like I'm made of glass. I somehow have avoided freaking out.

If the news is very bad I'm going to be awfully pissed off at God for bringing me his challenge at this point in my life. I feel like I only started really living in the past couple of years. If the news is so so I'll/we'll deal. If the news is positive that's even better! This development has brought many changes to my life already. Hubby decided that I needed to tell my sisters about my lifestyle. I fought it but eventually gave in.

I'm sad about this.

So far two sisters know about my plural marriage. They told me they loved me no matter what. Then in the next conversation expressed sadness even grief that I seem to have "such low self esteem" as it was put! Asked to explain, very nicely they told me that they can't think of any other rational explaination which would allow me to "share" a man instead of having one of my own. It seems a good portion of the world shares that view. It's a view that may be true for some, but I don't think it applies to me. I know their opinion comes from the way we were brought up but nonetheless it bothers me. At the same time they acknowledge that they know Hubby takes good care of me. And that I am happy.

They also see my move to this state and this family as an escape from their minds I have run away from my former life, my children and them. One sister cries tears of sorrow that she lives too far away to be any help to me.

What to do? What to say in this situation? I have not a clue, truthfully.

I continue to work on my garden, though frustrated that the dogs and cats have wrecked some havoc. Watering the garden is like therapy for me.

I continue yoga instruction. And I continue painting.

All I would like is for life to keep going and for us all to be happy with our own lives and not judge.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Love, Romance, and How I got here.

Some plural families are formed out of religious belief as we all know, and some are not. All of Hubby's wives are here in this family out of love. At the time I first met our husband I had given up believing in romance; I had failed miserably at it before so it was something I thought was best to not even think about. But love came back into my life when as the cliche goes, I was least expecting it.

I was unhappily co-existing with my then husband. I had older teenage children that I was praying would hurry up and grow up so that I could make my move toward independence. We met online originally but soon struck up a real friendship. I found him very easy to talk to and I think he did me. I knew he had two wives from the very first, before we ever met in person. It seemed to me at the time that all of his life angst came directly from the living in a plural situation and needing to be all things to all people. That's not exactly true but it was definitely part of it. We both suffered from depression, he more than I or at least I thought so. As time went on our friendship grew to something else. I was desperately in love with a man who would never be mine. We didn't see each other for a year and a half. Our lives were very busy without each other. But I couldn't get him out of my mind and we talked everyday. We've always talked frequently. Once I was estranged from my marriage we saw each other again as though we had never stopped. But the question of plural marriage loomed behind us like a cloud about to burst into storm.

Polygamy goes against my traditional thoughts of romance and love. Doesn't everyone want to be someone's one and only? After much back and forth I agreed to visit where he lived and meet the women who could wind up being my sister wives. I don't think they liked me much at the start, but I was pleasantly surprised and taken off guard by their overall loving plural marriage. I'm not sure what I expected but I didn't think real love would have anything to do with it.Hubby seemed happy with them, I was somewhat disappointed, I'll admit. Disappointed and jealous. I'll admit that too. When I pointed out to Hubby that the situation wasn't what I had expected; that I thought he was miserable with them; he pointed out that all that was missing in his life was me. He loved them of course but he couldn't shake that he needed me in his life to feel content.

I'd been in love before and it has never ended well. I just didn't know what to do in this case. We were so close I wondered how well I could do without him.

He made me laugh, smile and feel younger than my years. He thought I was funny and he made me feel prettier than I am. He didn't mind that I was smart. I made him feel loved for who he is, with no further expectation or agenda. I think I gave him a certain confidence. We went on several trips; our relationship was full of love and adventure. Was I ready to give that up and go back to being plain old me? The answer obviously was no. I struggled with my decision for a very long time. I didn't want the music to end but wasn't quite ready to leap into the fire of a plural marriage.

I had all my life been a very jealous person. By some magic I learned to deal with my jealousies. I will say that Hubby is very good at putting me at ease. There has been from the beginning resistance from #2 but everyone else in the family welcomed me with open arms. Once I realized that 2's resistance came from feeling in some ways threatened by me, I realized that jealousy works both ways. Oddly that made me feel better.

It wasn't just the jealousy that had me concerned. It was also all of their collective history, of which I was no part. I was a newcomer, the noob, the outsider. That scared me. Then Hubby made it clear in an indirect way that he couldn't be happy without adding to the family and that he wished that person to be me but if not, this was who he is. I would never be his one and only but he would do his darndest to make me feel special in other ways.

So that is how I came to be a plural wife. For all it's flaws it's a situation that works for him, and now for me. It is built on love. It may be different than your love but it is love just the same. A love story with a twist as Hubby's niece has called it.

The transition from a candidate for plural wife and actually being one has been messy at some times; frustrating and even hurtful. It's also been fun and frantic. I think I might just be getting used to it.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Whirling Week

This has been a whirlwind of a week! We are fortunate that nothing all that tragic happened but still Tuesday through this morning was drama filled.

Our niece had a baby, by a man she apparently deeply loves but with whom she can't get along. A few days prior to the blessed event Hubby was behaving in such a way that I knew (because we have this silent communication thing) he was thinking about having a fourth again. If there is one thing that unites #1, #2 and I is our agreement that we do not ever want to add a fourth. We have a million reasons and Hubby agrees only because they are all good reasons. In his heart he would love one more wife, one that was young enough to bear him at least one more child. This has nothing to do with reason at all. So he and I went back and fourth about his behavior. These irrational thoughts of his seem to have passed shortly after his grandniece was born and thankfully didn't cause too much stress but it wasn't a fun few days. In the middle of all this a a day after the new baby girl was born her mother and father had a major blowout which resulted in the new daddy creating chaos - which was resolved as predicted by me, before they brought the baby home. Just for fun, we hired the father a couple of months ago to do a ton of work around our home. It is yet to be finished and has a schedule that is predicated on the young couple's fight and kiss and make up schedule! Another person in our family lost their job; we got a new puppy we didn't need; Hubby and I fought about the kind of puppy, he won and I am resisting falling in love with her and he bought me a lovely present for no reason:)

As far as Hubby's desire for the freedom to have time to search for a fourth or even if all it was was a desire to have alone time (something he never has) - it created interesting interaction between all of us wives...yes, eventually they were drawn into the conflict. We were quietly bonding. I remember one incident where I was particularly distressed, it was my day and Hubby decided on the spur of the moment to take everyone to to a huge flea market about 45 minutes from here. Ordinarily I would have been happy about a family outing like this but I just couldn't put a smile on my face. #2 wasn't going she had to work. She usually hugs everyone good bye as we leave, this time I hugged her, hard. Imagine.

As quickly as our lives got all frantic and complicated, everything has calmed down. Life is back to normal and all is good. I had my first good night's sleep in a week last night and I woke up remember the sound of Hubby's reassuring voice and how it brought me back to that time when we first met. I had a happily content day today, and it wasn't even mine.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day Reflections

I think this is my first Mother's Day here..last year I was with my new grandbaby. It was nice. Hubby bought us each a dozen roses and cooked a good meal for us. I got to sleep very late this morning. The sixteen yr old bought me Arby's for lunch! My boys sent flowers and the littles here gave us all cards. A nice day, truthfully nicer than it would have been in my old life. Somehow my ex skewed Mother's Day but I don't remember how.

I never really had a craving to be a mom until I was about 30 years old then it hit me big time. It's a really rough and tough job though and I don't recommend it for everyone. All the jokes you hear about being a mother are dead on true. I never dreamt I would ever take on the task of being a stepmother too! Raising a teenager again is my worst nightmare!!! But here I am. The good part is that it's not just me. The real mom and older step mom are here and Hubby is a very attentive and participating dad. I've honestly never seen a dad that is more liked by his kids than hubby. He is each of his kids favorite person.

Motherhood in polygamy for me is a trip! It's both easier and more difficult. If I were a kid I wouldn't want three moms in the same house.......sometimes I have the feeling they feel that way here and I don't blame them. But I love them. The truth is that loving them is part of loving hubby.

I wish my own kids knew more about my living situation. I know the oldest worries about me. The younger one is just glad I'm happy. But neither knows the truth of my situation and that pains me. In every other way we are close. We always were even closer than many moms and sons...their father called us a conspiracy of three, he envied my relationship with them. It's a pity because sons really need to be close to their dads. When I was in therapy, I was told that a good portion of my sons problems were due to the fact that after they reached puberty (that weird time between 11 and 13) their relationship with their father waned. It did. I couldn't stop that from happening and I regret it.

With the boys here I am more friend I think than mom. I have an active role in disciplining them but I am much stricter than their biological mom and dad are. Because of that I tend to back away from the discipline role because I learned as soon as I got here that it was a waste of my time. A kid is formed very young.

I wonder what kind of relationship other plural moms have with the children in the family. Most bloggers seem to focus on the adults and their feelings. I would love to hear other's stories on this topic.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Yogic Philosophy and such

I am very very tempted to tell my yoga instructor about my living situation. But I probably won't. I'm feeling ambivalent about the yoga at the moment anyway. What I enjoyed about her class when it was at the community college is that because the students were all seniors she went at a relatively slow pace with exercises and understood if there were just some things you couldn't do. Plus there was just the "right" amount of yoga, or yogic as I tend to call it, philosphy without being overbearing. She appears to have had an ephiphany or something because this last class I went to we had 35 minutes of meditation instead of 10 minutes of relaxation. I need a tad more exercise and a tad less spirituality. On the other hand I would so love to have a real friend who would accept and not question my choice of polygamy and I think she possibly would be the one. Will have to think more on it I suppose.

I've tried explaining the purpose of yoga breathing and the concept of being in the NOW to both hubby and #2..neither understands that they could do so much more for themselves to be happier people. Hubby particularly needs to learn the art of relaxation and the positive affects it has on your health etc.

Friday, April 17, 2009

A learning experience for all of us

I think I shall write books, and get rich and famous; that would suit me, so that is my favorite dream. Louisa May Alcott

I'm loving the quote of the day on my blog! As a child Louisa May Alcott was my favorite author and a heroine to me. I completely wore out my copy of Little Women! I saw myself as her...writing books and becoming rich and famous. Can you imagine that?! Instead I blog lol..

So today I'm going to tell you about this neat thing that was #2's idea and it's going to be great! We have an old wooden shed in the yard that she's been working on, and with the help of a contractor relative it will be airconditioned, water proof and will be finished before the summer so that's a good thing. It will be our little hideaway, private space if we need it, or a place to share if we need that too. We both write, I paint and she has hobbies. So does #1 so it will kind of be a hobby place! Hubby takes photographs and wants to start doing portraits so he'll set up a portable studio in there for that. I really think it will work out to be very nice, enlarge our living space and maybe even be something to bond over :)

I named this blog, My Journey....because that's what it is. A journey, a learning experience. But not just for me, for all of us. OK well maybe mostly for me since I'm new lol..I think it is going to be a wonderful summer this year.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Easter Here and There

The first Easter here. Actually, I was here last Easter but I think I was still shell shocked because it doesn't stand out in my mind as a holiday. This year though, I went with hubby to get the candy etc for the grandchildren's baskets. And we planned a meal. I shipped a package off to my family. Now, I find out accidently I think that Easter has never been a huge deal here. Church for the babies and #2, a nice meal, easter egg dying and baskets, but #2 doesn't think of it as a special holiday just a religious one. So a thought popped into my head, I mentioned it and Hubby declared me in charge of next year's Easter. Yet another cultural difference we all have.

Some of the family dynamics here are starting to annoy me in an odd way. Let me explain. I love my children and I would do anything for them within reason and ability. I miss them dearly. But they are grown, well they should be and mostly are. In this family even the grown children are still very much in our care. For instance, we do the Easter Baskets for the grandbabies, not their parents. They dye the eggs here with their mother. They all eat with us. We babysit daily sometimes for hours if their work schedules conflict or "we're going to the store" and other things like that. I don't get it. When I was in my twenties my parents were lucky to see me once a week. Living under their thumbs was never an option. When I had young children I had to ask for my mother to babysit which she would do for short time frames. I'm not angry about the cultural difference, but like I said, it is annoying to me sometimes.

But tomorrow/this morning, will be a fun day! Hubby's rule #1 for holidays: no fighting, bickering, punishing, pouting, or conflict. The meal will be delicious and the young children will be fun. If I had stayed in my former life I would have been going to a friend's home for a meal, or perhaps made brunch for my oldest child and whoever he dragged with him. Taken a nap and watched tv. This year there will be an Easter Egg Hunt, chocolate and a big homecooked meal. Lots of chaois and laughter and hugs all around. Next year I will add pastry for dessert, lamb instead of ham or turkey, Easter Pie and a few other traditions.

I just realized that not once in this post did I mention polygamy, jealousy or compromise. :)

Monday, March 30, 2009

Suburban Polygamy #2

A typical Sunday in our house.

I get to sleep late Sunday morning because Saturday night is first wife's night, Sunday morning #2 goes to church and Sunday School with the grandbabies, and I like to give #1 and hubby some alone time before I wake up and get going, since Sunday is my day (in our godforsaken new schedule) I know I'm going to be spending alot of time with him.

Since I don't work and I don't have any classes on Sundays I try to spend time writing or painting if hubby is busy, if not we generally do some kind of shopping together. If we get out of the house early enough we might go out for lunch. #1 is off all day and 2 lately has been going to work in the mid afternoon. #1 likes to visit her parents on Sundays for a little while, or her sister who lives nearby. This is the day we might cook dinner together or just bring something in. If the weather is nice we hang out in our big yard, hopefully this summer we will swim in the pool and play with the grandkids for a while.The 16 year old usually has friends around on the weekends when he isn't at his girlfriend's house. Everything is very unstructured and relaxed here in many ways.

We both like to spend time on the computer so we'll do that together, listen to music while we do and then get ready for Sunday night tv. It's like a marathon tv session with Big Love, United States of Tara, Desparate Housewives, Brothers and Sisters and if none of that is available we'll watch a movie. Everyone is in and out all day. The teenagers, the grown kids and the wives. Errands and such are pretty much the same during Sunday although we try not to be too busy and just relax.

Errands seem to take up a lot of our time I think because there are so many of us. It's very hard to judge how much milk or bread we need to buy and a few other essentials. Other than that we are just a typical suburban family doing our Sunday thing. We don't socialize much with the neighbors but sometimes extended family stops by. I think there is a certain lonliness to Suburban Polygamy. Afterall, no one around us lives like we do. Polygamists who base their lifestyle on a religious belief have it easy that way, they have their church friends or whatever.

Hubby likes to say we live like hippies in a commune. Sometimes I like that analogy. We are in a way very self sufficient. I know much as I would like to have more friends I don't know how I would fit an active social life in!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Writing, yoga and other things.

I feel I should write more but I don't want to bore readers with such mundane stuff like sharing bathrooms etc. Sometimes I think that folks who don't know would be astonished at how ordinary and boring plural marriage can be on a day to day basis. So, I tend to write when there is a problem however big or small, or to vent about you know who lol.

So today I will just write about simple stuff, like the classes I've been taking thanks to the great advice of Hidden Sage.

Yoga - yoga helps me. I had forgotten how much as I stopped practicing over 30 years ago. But now since going to the college to take a class I'm reminded of how easy it is to be calm if you really want to. How good it feels to think only about your breathing, your life force. I wish I could get hubby to go on a regular basis, he doesn't know how to heal himself. Also it's good for the body to do all that stretching.

Oil painting - I don't think oil is my medium!!! After this class is over I'm going to try watercolors. Less precise. But painting, no matter if you are good and bad at it, is also relaxing. You can lose yourself in it.

Forget the water aerobics! It made me feel old!!

What does all that have to do with polygamy? ALOT. It got me out of the house and thinking of myself as an individual again. See, polygamy is somewhat like socialism. Well, not really but you do tend to think about EVERYONE, the whole unit, as much if not more than yourself after a while. There is always so much to consider.

Getting OUT and about into the world and doing things for oneself, selfishly even, can be very exhilarating!! Otherwise you spend a good deal of time thinking about things to make 10 people happy at dinner time! Who's turn is it to do this or that. Why am I dealing with teenage boys AGAIN at this stage of my life!?! Is it time to hit up Sam's Club again or will a run to the grocery store do? If I go to this place with hubby will that one be envious or not? Do I really want to watch the Sarah Conner Chronicles just because it's MY day/night? Stupid stuff like that and it bogs you advice to anyone who is thinking about entering plural marriage:

Get out! Do things for yourself! Get a manicure and pedicure ALONE if you want, if not take a sister wife. But do it! Get a hobby! And maybe make a new friend or two, or even acquaintance. Read books! Just don't steep yourself so deeply in to polygamy that you forget who you are. :)

Saturday, February 28, 2009


Our hubby has not one, two or three anniversaries to remember but 4! We have our individual anniversary - #1 their original wedding day. #2 I think it's the day they commerate her joining the family. #3 (me) The day we met. #4!!! The day I officially joined the family and we had a collective ceremony. The other day was my personal anniversary. And it was lovely!

Hubby surprised me with breakfast in bed, then we went out for a very extravagent and wonderful dinner in a romantic spot. When we got home, we had cake with the grandkids and kids and sister wives. He also had flowers delivered to our home.

He is very good at special days. I'm not. :( I always seem to botch them in some way and never really know what to do, if a gift is appropriate or all that.

Yes, yes, there were moments that tugged me back to the can guess what they were, I don't want to spoil my mood. But it really was a lovely day and it happened to fall on my usual day so there wasn't any switching around or anything. thankfully because it's always a hassle when we do that.

Other good news:
#2 if finally back to work - she was laid off for two whole weeks!
I seem to be getting along with the teenagers somewhat better!
I've been here 11 months and I think the worst of the adjustment period is over!

Interesting note:
The 16 yr old son woke me up during a nap before dinner on my anniversary night with a startling question: "Do you think it's right for Dad to kiss #2 on your Anniversary day?" wow
THAT was out of the blue. I think I said something like well that depends why? And he said something like, well I don't. And he walked out of my room!! Turns out he also confronted his dad with that question!!!
Hubby tried to explain to him that he would never reject affection from his wives and that there was nothing wrong with an affectionate kiss on anyone's day. I explained to hubby that probably the question arose because #2 is KISSY very frequently and it amuses us all to an extent and it also is odd given the length of their relationship...of course he responded that we all hug him or vice versa any day but that #2 was just expressing her insecurities on my special day as per usual and I didn't seem so upset about it, why should it upset his son? hmmmm

Friday, February 20, 2009

Suburban Polygamy #1

I read and post the forums on HBO's Big Love website..and the subject of Responsible Polygamy has come up. Everyone of course has their opinions but I've come to one conclusion that goes for any type of plural marriage one would enter into..mine is a little bit like the Big Love marriage in that it is what I would call Suburban Polygamy, instead of the compound type.

The most important thing for harmony in a suburban plural marriage or any plural marriage is something I find myself surprised to say...I think it's very necessary for there to be a strong, responsible, fair and kind but also structure inclined FIRST WIFE.

Let me explain from my own perspective which isn't all that good! The first wife in our marriage is sweet and kind, devoted to the family, hard working and fair, BUT she doesn't have much spine and has let #2 over rule her or manipulate both her and hubby for YEARS AND YEARS. I come along and expect a little bit of special treatment because I am so new to this lifestyle and #1 agrees to a point. #2 however, in her insecurity and clinginess has a difficult time giving up her "newness" 16 years into the marriage!!! #1 can only guide but #2 doesn't listen. She is the Nicki from Big Love in our marriage, without the sexual hang ups.

Because of confusion in a structural way, I wind up having to take charge sometimes when it isn't really my place, that only adds more confusion and resentment and around it goes in a vicious cycle. All the while hubby watching and waiting for his turn to speak up and take the ultimate charge of whatever situation is in the works being discussed and argued over. This puts hubby in an unfair position because occasionally he has to be the bad guy or make someone unhappy................ that then makes me mad! #2 will cry and #1 will retreat to her room.

If she were stronger, and was willing to risk being disliked on occasion the way Barb, the first wife in BL is, things would go smoother. But she's not. She hates conflict.

I think what I'm trying to say here is that most people don't realize the importan role the first wife has, nor how hard it is for sister wives to get along and really LIKE each other most of the time. The people in Big Love at least have their own houses, their own place where they are the ONLY woman in the kitchen, the bathroom, the living room etc. Thankfully, I bring no children to this marriage or it would be more difficult.

Living under one roof is extremely trying. The moments for intimacy of any kind are fewer I believe. I have to remind myself to leave time for romance and fun as I'm sure the others do. A strong first wife would somehow in someway make it I wrong? Maybe, maybe I'm looking for a scapegoat. I'm not sure but I would appreciate anyone's thoughts on this.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Things get better

So, hubby told me that he expected me to have a sit down with the other women and hash all this out. Not an easy task as #1 avoids conflict of any kind, and #2 is hard to communicate with..but I gave it a try..minus number 1 who said she would defer to my judgement but needed to get to sleep early and had hubby's blessing.

We talked..with me trying very very hard to be non confrontational. I told her that the number one thing she does that drives us all crazy was her going to hubby like a child going to Daddy to tattle. That this was a totally unacceptable practice and she had been told this before. That I understand her not liking her day to be "ruined" so to speak but that she still had the whole evening and whining and sulking just put hubby in a bad mood and the rest of us feeling like a nice day had been spoiled by the baby of the family! Well..she took this all in and agreed. She made sure to tell me that she still felt I wasn't a submissive wife lol oh well get used to it cause this is me! And she buttered me up by saying that she understands that my sense of humor might be different than theirs. hahaha.. ok it was a decent talk which continued into the next day...hey she is a talker! She thinks that the women should take at least one Sunday a month to do girl, antiquing, browzing, lunch, tea, whatever so that we can bond. She explained tthat she knows hubby treats her with kid gloves but that is the way it has always been..(I wonder why) and that she loves me like a sister and is feeling less and less jealous and insecure..she ADMITTED that the first few months were very hard for her and she compensated by being overly hovering and smothering to hubby and she feels badly about that now because I must have been uncomfortable..(jee ya think?)

All and all it was an ok sit down. We both reported to hubby that we would try harder which is all he asks and that was that. Oh one good result! She made herself a reading corner so that on my day she doesn't have to sit 6 inches from hubby all evening reading a book. lol We shall see! But it's a start. I told her that I would try to arrange more alone time for her.

Honestly - under the same roof is a volitle and dangerous way to live! I dislike it but I'm getting used to it. It's easier on hubby so he says and I will admit that it has given me the opportunity to know these people intimately. All the good with the bad. I do still long for my own living room and kitchen and bathroom..sigh. And someday it may happen. Just not now.

As for the's staying the way hubby made it for now too..give me a couple of months :)

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Week from Hell

Damn her! yes - I don't care if that sounds horrid. If you read my back story at all you know how important the schedule is and how elated I was when it changed to something I was more comfortable with. The problem started last Sunday and it's been..well welcome to my week from hell.

Hubby and #1 wanted to surprise me by taking me to the casino (something I've expressed an interest in since the casino story in Big Love) and a place where Hubby and #1 have gone on infrequent occasion to relax. They never bring much - Hubby says never bring more than you're willing to lose. Anyway, it had been a long time since any of us had done anything frivolous and they had just received their tax refund. They tried to plan it for #1's day but the plan got foiled by the kiddos. The next day, mine, something else got in the way. Sunday was #2's day. She usually goes to church but had decided not too so off we went. Only #1 and hubby knowing exactly where at first. Well true to form #2 clung to hubby's side all day even though he gave us each a small amount of money to play the slot machines with. I didn't care because it was fun anyway and I didn't lose anything except winnings, broke even. We had a really nice time, ate a nice meal, and enjoyed ourselves except that #2 was antsy to get going home and somehow managed to royally piss off hubby (unusual for her) as we were leaving. Of course this resulted in pouting and sulking the whole way home. And I swear this almost 50 year old woman reverses to the posture of a child when she sulks. It's sooooo annoying. We were home by 7pm I think.

The next morning the weather report was bad, saying we might get an ice storm (btw it didn't arrive for a couple of days) so mid morning #1 called me to ask if I would mind switching days with her since she would stay at relatives near work. Let me explain.

We used to have assigned days broken up evenly with a different one getting 3 each week. To me it seemed unrealistic and sometimes I would have 4 or 5 days in between. Plus it meant that whoever had Saturday always had Saturday etc. We changed all that to a rotation schedule. Something #1 and I brought up to #2 and she agreed, as it turns out reluctantly because if she didn't get one of her days off (which happened occasionly ) she would be upset to have only the evenings and mornings. ugh. Of course when HER work schedule changed to where she didn't leave for work until 12:30 pm, she wound up with every morning anyway but thats' a WHOLE nother story

So of course I said of course but hubby overheard and said NO, we weren't going to do any switching because the schedule needed to be changed. omg! I nearly dropped the phone and #1 was going oh no on the other end. We went back to assigned days with hubby giving #2 one of her days off each week.

Apparently, according to hubby, someone was unhappy with the schedule and it had to be changed. That someone didn't come to her sister wives to talk about it, she went directly to hubby at 3 am when he was trying to sleep!

As #1 said, she got her way. Took her several months to get it but she got it. Now for the great part. You have to just love karma! The very next day, her boss changed her days off!!!!! I kid you not. All hubby said to her was...we are NOT changing the schedule again. pfft.

Well today was her day off. He always has to pander to her and go on some kind of excursion whether he wants to or not. As I said to him, her demand make the rest of us back away to give him space. They returned from their excursion with hubby in a mood. Apparently the purpose for the trip to the mall was so she could talk uninterrupted and spend time griping about me! (along with her usual "wish I could stay home and take care of the house and hubby instead of going to work" gripe. How well she and #1 got along before I came along but now 1 and I gang up on her, talk about her, and all kinds of other good stuff. How happy they all were before they had to fit me into their lives. WHY on earth he would tell me she said all this I don't know, but I'm saving it. Putting it in a little drawer somewhere to be pulled out when I need it. My response to hubby was - yes everyone was happy because #1 would spend the entire evening every evening in her room watching tv while #2 played house - monogomy house! And if you were to ask #2 if that was fair she would say - #1 chose to do that and besides she is the only one who can visit him in the hospital, etc etc etc.............

You know what's weird? This all happened immediately after I had a night with hubby and we were discussing how FINALLY everything seemed to be falling into place, how the household had developed at last a nice rythmn, how are financial problems were ironing out and we were all getting along and how happy he was feeling.

One good thing happened this week though - I started my classes!

Friday, January 23, 2009

Mid January and I' m feeling hopeful that this year will be an improvement over last. I decided that instead of lettin life control me totally I'm going to be more proactive. The community college here has a program for seniors, it's shocking how young you can be and still fall in to this category. After looking over the classes offered at a very reasonable rate, I chose yoga, swimming/exercise and oil painting. I am a good swimmer and I need exercise badly, unfortunately the last time I went to a gym I hurt my knee and had to let that membership go to waste. Yoga is something I have practiced off and on my entire adult life, not nearly as much as I should have in the past 20 years so I think a few yoga classes will do me some good :) I'm actively looking for a book club to join. All of these are designed to help me meet people in my new hometown. I'm horrified when I think that I have been here a year and haven't really met anyone I can call up and say how about a coffee at Starbucks? It is so unlike me to be this much of a hermit.

Here is what else I think. I think that if I follow through on all of this I will be a more attractive person to Hubby. Ok I don't know how many of you have read my old blog but I am a good deal older than Hubby. It never bothered me until this year. It's like someone waved a diabolical wand over me and said AGE you f*****! You have no right to look younger than you are, wipe that cat that swallowed the canary grin off your face and act as well as look your age!


If I could find one I would take a Laughter Yoga class! There is such a thing and I have researched it and written about it. I believe it works. Laugh yourself to well being and happiness is not as silly a concept as it sounds.

Oh, on top of all this I am not going to let another year pass without BEACH TIME. I thrive at the beach. Folks used to go to the beach for health purposes back in the dark ages haha, and it works! When I go to the beach my allergies disappear along with the dark circles under my eyes and the wrinkles on my forehead. The salt air heals and nourishes my skin. And the vitamin D from the sun does wonderful things. My head clears and I become peaceful. There is no beach per say near my home now so this effort will involve trips!!!! yay! I'm already putting away the pennies :)

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Yet another challenge..

The new year has brought us another challenge!
For about 15 months the oldest son here and his wife plus two kids have lived in a house behind ours. The house I originally purchased for myself.
They are very young and don't manage their finances well, and over the holidays let their utility payments go, you can guess that result!
So they have moved in here for a week until things get taken care of...let's hope it's a week.

As it is I babysit anywhere from 3-6 days a week while they are working if they have a schedule conflict. I am crazy about those children so it's not much of a burden usually. with this new situation they are ALL sleeping here and here 24/7 - its' the weekend so they are off.
OMG, there are 10 of us in this one house at the moment!

In cases like this (emergencies) I tend to go with the flow and just raise up my hands and give in to it....but you have NOOOOO idea how messy these young people are! And how tight it is in the house. Under ordinary circumstances they are here a lot anyway, but now they don't leave at 7 or 8 pm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The living room is totally taken up by their MESS. It's hard on them I'm sure, but it is really a test for us.

#2 is particularly cranky lately...more on that another time.
#1 is getting cranky which is unusual for her.
Hubby has conceded that his privacy and living room time are severely compromised!!!
and I am trying to stay out of the way!

So here I sit in front of the's no more private in here...remember it's the weekend, and the teenager isn't in school and had the audacity to invite a friend for the weekend! oh my friends that is another I differ from everyone else in child rearing/teenager dealing!

People wonder what I get from blogging?

Friday, January 2, 2009

A New Year with some resolution

New Year's resolutions ar traditional, but I've never been one to make any. I smoke, I tried the quit smoking one a couple of times and it didn't work. I cuss like a "sea going sailor" as my dad would say, I suppose I could promise to cut back on cussing, but why? It's not like I cuss at inappropriate times or places. I could promise to spend less, except I already do that. I might promise to keep in touch with old friends, but we all know that after time old friends either reciprocate or they don't, it's beyond our control. So in thinking about what I could promise for the New Year I've come up with the following things I will TRY - no promises. Promises sometimes get broken and that can lead to disappointment.

1) I will TRY to smoke less. This is a good one. It can't hurt to try to keep this and I honestly think I can do it.
2) Hidden Sage recommended I take a class of some sort as an avenue to meet people and make friends. It's a good sound idea so I will TRY to follow through. If I can't find something at the community college, then I will at the very least join the book club at the library, since reading is a past time of mine that I have allowed to slip away, and since there will be people there to talk to and perhaps find things in common with. I would love eventually to take a photography course.
3) I am going to really TRY to get out of the house every day for one reason or another. Enough said on this, except that not getting out leads to depression - I'm a firm believer in that.
4) I will TRY to write more. Writing feels good.
5) I am going to TRY to find someway of feeling better about wife #2.

FIVE things to try. It seems like a lot of things at first but after all 2009 has 365 days in it. I don't expect to accomplish all five things in one shot. Number 3 will be the easiest and the hardest will be number 5. But I WILL try. Promise.