Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Waiting For The Spark

I watched the Conrad Murray sentencing yesterday on live tv, by myself. Before I go any further let me say honestly that I'm a news junkie; a crime junkie; a political junkie; and I'm not ashamed. It's a habit, all this news watching that I got from my mother. It was reinforced with the advent of the 24 hour news cycle and accelerated during and after the 9/11 tragedy. It's something hubby and I used to share. I miss that.

I'm missing him, even though I'm terribly angry with him. I don't even know all the reasons I'm angry...but somehow disappointment in certain things turned to anger. I am easy to forgive so please know I forgive him for the disappointments and the overwhelming challenges I faced entering in to a plural marriage. I'm not a child and I'm fairly smart and I knew it would be difficult. No one has ever accused me of wearing rose colored glasses. He says he misses me but I'm not sure I believe that.

So here I sit, waiting for a spark to reignite the fire, so to speak. Only then will the anger dissipate.

Monday, November 21, 2011


I am starting to miss the hustle and bustle of the holidays in our poly household. Hubby is really really good at holidays, as I've probably mentioned before. He, with the help of #1 and me, cooks up a storm. There is always a ton of leftovers. No bickering or fighting allowed, period. And just with the immediate family it's a crowd! When his brother, nieces and cousins join us like on Christmas Eve, it's quite festive and fun.

Thanksgiving is my favorite though because of the lack of pressure about gifts etc. I had to get used to not being "in charge" of the meal, but that wasn't too hard to do. lol... One time I stuffed a turkey as well as having the stuffing separate but that was only once. #2 threw a royal fit because he never allowed her to do that, so that was the only time. She took the joy out of that little tradition. However my mashed potatoes and gravy were added to the meal and stayed.

My sister's husband is cooking the meal this year. As he always does. He doesn't want help with it, which I guess is fine. It's just another reminder that I am basically homeless. I know that sounds dramatic. It's not like I don't have a roof over my head every night. Obviously I do. But it is always someone else's roof. This is a situation that won't be resolved any time soon so I just may as well get used to it and be thankful. I am cognizant of the fact that many, many people have far less than I have. We will be joined by my children, my grandchildren, and her husband's children. It will be very nice.

I am thankful also to have the love of my family; to have good food to eat; my health (except for the darn head cold) for the most part; to have children who have good hearts; and a bunch of other small stuff. I hope you all have a healthy and happy Thanksgiving too.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

A reminder of a painful time

I finally found a primary care doctor here. That's the good news, because I have quite a few prescriptions. The bad news is doctors aren't always smart. I don't know if I mentioned it before but I have something called Lymphedemia. It's something breast cancer patients develop a good percentage of the time. It has to do with the removal of lymph nodes making the flow of blood up and down an arm difficult, and it is usually precipitated by too many needles, shots, infusions etc. During the course of my treatment, my "better" arm took a beating and eventually just pooped out. Consequently, unfortunately for me, I have lymphedemia in one arm and the very good possiblility of getting it in the other arm, the one missing the most lymph nodes. I wear a medic alert bracelet that says no needles or blood pressure BOTH arms. You see the swelling that can develop is quite painful, and can be dangerous. So fast forward to this week...the dang doctor said he couldn't get a good reading of blood pressure from my leg so he insisted on using the arm that hadn't developed lympedemia yet. Not only was it painful to have the bp taken in that arm but my arm has been aching terribly since.

I'm so MAD because this isn't the first time I've run into this problem of doctors or nurses being ill prepared to take care of me because of the lymphedemia. Even in the Cancer Center I went to for all my treatments, the lab insisted on taking blood from my so called good arm. Luckily by the time my real good arm went bad the blood work was less frequent. But seriously, how can it be such a problem!!!? Why can't they just adjust and use my leg? I'll tell you why. Because if you've never had Lymphedemia, you can't understand how serious it is or how painful it is. It just looks like a little swelling. And even if you're a doctor, if you aren't a doctor that specifically treats lymphedemia (there is no such thing, doctors refer you to a physical therapy clinic, that's how they treat it, that and compression sleeves and gloves...really attractive btw), you apparently just don't know. Ugh. So aggravating.

All of this just served to remind me of all that has gone on in the past with my treatment of breast cancer. The endless doctor visits...all but the first few I did on my own by myself. Which in turn reminded me of the biggest problem in my marriage.......a problem that has little or nothing to do with polygamy. The fact that I felt so damn alone during that time. So unmarried. So friendless. So adrift. So freaking scared. Eventually, I ceased caring what I even looked like. I really didn't think anyone was ever looking at me. I never was one for a lot of makeup and trust me, cancer patients need make up like fish need water.

I'm sorry this is such a venting post. I'm just feeling very down, very confused and very angry .. mostly at myself.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Wake Up Thoughts

When I was at my worst phases of insomnia (hard to say, probably during menopause), I would lie awake most of the night unable to turn the "movie" off in my head. Those thoughts that keep going around and around inside your head - replays of the day; little aggravating thoughts about all kinds of things, not always so little; serious thoughts about finances, children, relationships - of course you know what I'm talking about. Those thoughts turn the hands on the clock from midnight to 4 am very quickly and can be quite troublesome. But I think I have topped them with my WAKE UP thoughts.

I'm not sure when these wake up thoughts first became problematic. All I know is they can be quite unsettling. These thoughts don't appear every morning and there is no way to prepare for them or to stop them.

Occasionally they are little sad thoughts. When hubby and I lived so very many miles away from each other, sometimes toward the middle of the time between our visits I would sometimes wake up and just as my eyes were opening, I would think of him and think "I miss him." Almost out loud.

When I was recuperating from my mastectomy, I would wake up angry! The thought - I'm so ANGRY- would literally form on my lips. It seems anger is a recurring theme in my "wake up thoughts." It can be about anything. It sometimes used to be about #2 and her possessiveness. Other times angry thoughts would emerge at dawn about something hubby had said or done that I found particularly upsetting. Occasionally, the thought would be about something sad, annoying, or almost trivial. Whatever the thoughts are about they have an urgency. They rouse me when usually I am difficult to awake.

The other day, I woke up and as clear as a bell my first thoughts were how I missed the 5 year old grandson I left behind. For some reason this startled me. I think I know why I had that wake up thought. That little boy was a constant source of affection for me. He hugged and hugged me, especially when no one else did. The human touch is so necessary. It is the sugar of life. When my father died for years I recall my mother saying: "I just want someone to touch me." This was disturbing to me because I know I hugged her on occasion, or took her arm crossing the street and so forth. I used to have a problem with being touched. I have an instinct to pull away. But that little boys hugs were more than welcome. They were the medicine I needed. And now I miss them.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Old friends!

Just returned to my sister's home from a brief trip to visit with a few old friends in my hometown. At first I was feeling awkward (I just have a "thing" I guess about staying in other's homes) but soon I was feeling just fine. The trip was precipitated by one friend's illness. Her sister arranged for a couple of us to visit to cheer her up. I really miss my old friends. Because I didn't raise my kids anywhere near family members, my friends were really like family. I had lots of friends through the years. Friends with children similar ages, friends from the neighborhood, friends through work, friends who were parents of the kid's friends. Of course friends come and go but there was always a core group I saw on a regular basis. And some I saw rarely after a while but stayed in touch with.

FRIENDS. Something I lacked back home with hubby and #1 and #2. I'm sure I've posted about this before. It's no secret that it's difficult to maintain friends while practicing polygamy in the mainstream. Some folks manage it, I didn't seem to be able to for various reasons. And having a leisurely social life that includes some friends (especially girl friends to shop with and talk to and share and laugh with) is something I've missed.

Anyway, it was a busy 4 days and fun for me. I hope I don't go another year or two without seeing them. For me, my friends affirm who I am as a person. The person I grew to be. They know my foibles and my good points. They like me! Wow, friends!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus...'s interesting - the mental/emotional differences between men and women. For instance a recent conversation with Hubby about his desire for me to return to the fold sooner than planned:
We just need to argue less. That's more or less what he said. How can he honestly think that arguing was our biggest problem unless he is from Mars?

There is nothing here in this blog that I haven't told him. He knows how I felt when I was undergoing chemotherapy. He knows how I feel about living all under one roof. He knows how I feel about what I can only describe as our lack of intimacy. And of course, he knows how #2 irritates the hell out of me. He even knows, and knew all along how differently I felt about money management than he feels. Jeesh...he knows because those were the things we argued about mostly. Oh ya, occasional arguments about other things but nothing worth mentioning. In actuality I've wondered along the way how our little "debates" during courtship turned in to arguments later on. Marriage? Quite possibly. Marriage, the single easiest way to start taking someone for granted, a love for granted, or have them take you for granted is to marry. Daily living? Maybe.

All I know is when he said that about arguing, a little laugh came out of me. I don't think he understood what I thought was humorous.

The sad thing is that he sounded like #2 to me when he said that. She has this way of simplifying EVERYTHING lol..seriously. And I can't tell you how many times in 3 1/2 years she admonished me for arguing with hubby. I would always respond, trust me, I am not arguing as much as I would like to. Just to hush her. Soooooooooo annoying coming from someone who is renowned for her hissy fits and sulking and pouting!!!!

Another thing that is odd is that we argued about living arrangements and such more in the beginning when I first moved in. Later on, ok I would mention that some things made me unhappy but I don't recall tons of arguing. I'll admit I have a bad habit of beating a dead horse sometimes. There! I admitted it.