Friday, June 26, 2009

Selfish Self-Centered Decisions and Feelings ~ Breast Cancer Issues in Polygamy

It feels like it's been a long time since I've written here. I know it hasn't been long. What's been happening is I could write something everyday but I don't want to over do it and bore everyone who reads.

Tuesday morning I went to see the so called famous Breast surgeon. In case you don't know there is one in every city and town. My sisters who only just found out about my plural marriage really wanted me to see this one doctor in the next city. I wanted to see her too. It's like if I'm going to lose my boobs please god let it be by the hands of a famous doctor, the most experienced doctor I can find. Well, I didn't like her. Neither did hubby and I could tell it wasn't because we had to drive to her city the night before so I could be on time for the early morning appointment. She just didn't seem to want to be my doctor. So decision made, staying close to home for surgery and treatment, now let's get on with it!

This is such a hectic time here in our house, besides what's going on with me. Kids home from school for the summer. More people in and out of the house than usual. Yard still not done. Extended family stuff. More chaos. Hubby loves activity. It can be fun but very hectic.

I will be traveling to visit friends and family next week. Then back here for all kinds of prep for the surgery/s. Oncologist visit; plastic surgeon visit; who knows what else. I feel badly that my surgery is going to interrupt everyone's lives around me. We may even have visits from my family - kids, siblings etc. yikes! Should be interesting.

I worry that Hubby will have too much on his plate. It will be difficult for him to make sure #1 and #2 aren't neglected, and knowing him he will feel they can't do without their allotted amount of time with him. When I think about that I just feel like crawling into a hole, and waking up when it's all over. Also I fear he will encourage #1 and #2 to fill in for him more often than not. I want them to help and I'm lucky to have two women living here who care for me. But I want Hubby as my prime caregiver, even if it means he's supervising someone else. Gosh. Polygamy complicates my disease and recovery, for me at least. Sometimes I don't like the way this family works, sigh, and I wish I could somehow get it to work better, smoother, flawlessly. Hubby thinks that means I'm unhappy here, but I'm not unhappy. I AM frustrated sometimes; my insides shout out for change but at the same time we laugh, we love, we have good times. Perfection is unattainable; should it be coveted? I don't know.

I don't want anyone to feel slighted or lonely. At the same time I selfishly want more of him. I want this situation to bring Hubby and I closer the way it might if we were monogamous - without pulling him away from the others. Ugh! Impossible maybe. Am I crazy? Wrong? Over reacting?


Anonymous said...

Crazy? Wrong? Over-reacting?
No,no,and no.
There are some times in our lives that we are allowed to need and get more attention from those who love us. This is one of those times. You need to make sure that you are vocal (not demanding, just don't expect others to guess so tell them) about what you need from different members of your family and friends.
I am glad you were able to make a quick decision about your doctor. Don't let anyone try to make you second guess your decision. I think it is important that you feel comfortable and confident with your doctor. If you don't, it does not mean there is anything wrong with them; they are just not the right Dr for you.
Remember, you are still in our prayers. W

Anonymous said...

How your husband and sisterwives react to your health crisis will be interesting.

IMO you and your needs must take precedence over the current schedules and routines in the family. If there is true commitment about your well being from your husband and sisterwives then there should be no question as to who and what are the priorities in the next coming months/year. They should not find any sacrifices too great to endure if it benefits your recovery.

Hopefully the sisterwives will treat you the way they would want to be treated if it were they facing what you're facing.

You should not feel bad in anyway about being an inconvenience. That is not a healthy attitude to have when fighting cancer.

If you see anything less than unwaivering commitment to your health and well being, I would say that you are in a very toxic situation. This type of environment is not conducive to your beating this disease.

It is my hope that your family supports you in the way you should and need to be supported. You should come first under these circumstances in my book.

Maybe this health issue will show you what you need to see.

I wish you all the best.

Anonymous said...


and your "marriage" is NOT a marriage. You're a silly, selfish, stupid woman and I feel sorry that you have children at all. You polygamists need to observe the laws of this nation and your state. You DON'T KNOW the Lord.You DON'T understand what marriage is at all. Period. You are not worth trying to help, either. Have fun with your constant vaginal infections I am sure you all pass around, too. What a silly travesty your "family" is.

Anonymous said...

YES- you are crazy-
selfish, lawless, and stupid. And I for one feel very sorry for your kids. You deserve no "husband" or children at all. Nor does anyone else in your "family."

Now go enjoy your vaginal infection and immoral lifestyle some more. You're going to do it anyway.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous of 1/7/09 Take your negativity and your version of morality (the one that advocates hatred of others) and leave. You are not needed or wanted here.

new#3 said...

wow I probably should have deleted those negative posts but you know, it's interesting that some people can have such anger in them for total strangers isn't it?