Saturday, July 25, 2009

Getting Close

yikes! My sister is coming here the day before my considerable expense I might add..It will be good to see her. This particular sister and I have had a love hate thing for many years but somehow she is always there for that I think of it. She is also the one who recently married.We have had our rough spots she and I but I love her to death. I just hope all the extra wives don't freak her out! It's one thing knowing and quite another experiencing it. Trust me on this.

Five more days. I am starting to be fearful. I don't know why, I certainly have had plenty of time to prepare myself mentally, physically and emotionally. Perhaps I wish sometimes that I had a better relationship with God.

Hubby is keeping himself busy. I don't know what I expect or want from him but I feel lost right now in a sea of people.

I received an email today which contained a link which I hope you can access here. The email said in part ...

What a beautiful portrayal of the journey, the dance we all dance regardless of our stage or grade or our treatment or surgery. Some of us walk off the stage after the dance but there are those few who are lifted to the heavens to never return. I am so thankful for each of you and your journey. Enjoy the dance, enjoy the partner who carries and lifts you and remember to live and love in the moment!!

I really hope you can watch the dance video in the link I enclosed, it's really beautiful. IN case the "enclose link" thing doesn't work, here it is to copy.

I sent it to #1 she watched it. Hubby is in a huge state of denial at the moment I'm afraid, so chances are he won't watch it. My nurse said this is very normal for spouses to avoid talking about what's going on. I guess she's right. I don't know. But it makes me sad that he is so afraid.

Friday, July 17, 2009

A Date Finally

I finally got a date for my surgery!!!

Thank god because the not knowing was driving me crazy. It feels like a pin was pushed into me like a balloon and the craziness is leaking out. Now I have to decide, silicone or saline. Oh, did I mention that I am going to have immediate reconstruction? I can't believe I'm doing that but I am. I realized long ago that my fear of getting breast cancer had as much to do with vanity as it did with fear of dying and the C word.

I'm hoping when this is all over I will have my femininity intact and feel good about myself. When I say "vanity" I mean I was afraid of disfigurement. Women don't say that out-loud too often. They either say their breasts don't define them or something equally as evolved and self-confident; or they just avoid the topic. I was told that the recovery from the reconstruction is longer and more painful than recovery from the double mastectomy. I'm anxious.

So, email me if you would like to know the exact date. I don't mind sharing if I know your name. I will say here that it is in about two weeks. Today I had a full body bone scan. It was yet another needle in my arm and about 20 minutes of staying perfectly still. The results could be scary but right now I'm feeling positive.

There has been a little tension here - between me and hubby and #2 and hubby and me. Like a circle. It's hard to explain, I don't know where to start. If I figure that out I'll post on it soon. It's not horrible, just annoying and makes me a tiny bit sad.

Speaking of sad, some people don't know the difference between sad and depressed, but there is a difference. Throughout my life I think I battled depression, on and off. I am accustomed to how it feels. Sad is a feeling I'm not used to. If I ever encountered it during my life I somehow got over it quickly. Crying is not something I do the way some women do. I've known women who can sit on their couch and can muster up tears without much trouble. They do it because they need a cathartic moment or ten. They emerge renewed. I will admit to enjoying a good cry at a movie or a book, so I understand the cathartic thing, I just never got into it. Heartbreak can make me cry but fear never. I grew to learn how to stare fear down during my lengthy and unhappy marriage. It was not something I learned easily. Consequently, it may take me a while to cry when someone passes away. I never cried the entire time my 16 year old's son hung in the balance, nor when my mother was dying. I don't know why. But here's the, I don't sit and cry but the littlest thing will bring a burning sensation to my eyes or a choked up feeling. Even teary-eyed. This, so far, has been the hardest part. That and the PMS feeling I have, grouchy/moody/giddy ugh.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

A good one.

I'm back home a week now. It's been the week to buckle down and take care of the cancer business. So I saw the oncologist and the plastic surgeon this week. Also had a full body cat-scan. I'm always afraid of what any test will find and this was no different. I won't know for another day or so and by then it will come mixed up with the pre-surgery visit to the breast surgeon and the total body bone scan. It's almost at the point now where there is no time to freak out so if I'm going to I better hurry up and do it.

Lol did I mention we have been baby sitting the grandkids for three solid days now? Actually, they've been very good. Just tiring.

Then Saturday night we all went to an x-treme wrestling match, which isn't normally my cup of tea but the boys love it and hubby is managing a small group of wrestlers. They are all having a great deal of fun with it and it's nice to see everyone having a good time. Especially hubby. There are just some weeks that I feel my age :)

Oh, a side note about hubby/my sisters and polygamy. (please refer to the post where I mention telling them about our family. ~

I asked my sister what she thought of hubby since this was the first time they met. First she made note that she hadn't really sat down to talk to him, and then, almost under her breath she said: "You finally got a good one." ha! ha!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Unusual tears

Well I took a trip back to my old hometown this past week. Also went to yet another state for a wedding and to see more family. It was really wonderful. Hubby joined me a couple of days before the wedding. Family seemed to like him :)

Here is what's interesting to me:

I almost came to tears when I got on the plane to fly to see my oldest boy and friends. And a couple of times when I was there, homesickness wasn't expected.

Then when I got in the car to meet up with Hubby and travel together to the wedding state, again choked up.

THEN, upon saying goodbye there, teary eyed and all choked up.

I am NOT a crier. Really, I'm not. I cry at a very sad movie about other peoples lives, on occasion, or while reading a very sad book sometimes. But rarely do I cry at real life.

Another strange thing. I really hugged #2 when I got home.

I am becoming a softy!!!

Had a really great week though. Lots of FUN and visits. I felt very close to Hubby and was very proud of him with my family. It was such a good feeling! We had a wonderful time together. Very affectionate and laughing. Lots of laughter. My boys seemed to have fun with him too. We weren't alone a lot but still we were very connected. I wish we could get away more often to refuel. I miss that very much.