Snowy Winter Blues

It's snowy and frigid here where I am making my new life. Sometimes I really miss the warm/hot climate where I lived in the plural family. Even if it got cold it never lasted long. I miss the heat. And I miss the little boy who stole my heart.

“If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever.” 

I said almost those exact words to him once. I am inside  your heart and you are inside mine. He would ask me to repeat it on occasion. I hope, I really, really hope, he remembers that. I hope they haven't contaminated his feelings for me. His brother was older by a few years and we weren't as close; his baby sister was not much more than newborn. He however was two years old and just learning to talk and do the things little boys do, when I moved there. He was and I'm sure is a sweetheart. I don't know why he loved me so, but he did, and his company kept me strong when I needed to be strong. He saved me from wallowing in my depression. He was my only joy during those days. One or two friends helped, but that little boy loved me, wrinkled and bald. And I am just so sorry I never said goodbye.

I am battling winter depression, this I know. But I think this year it's at it's worst. The weather isn't co-operating, and I'm spending a great deal of time alone and doing nothing. I'm not motivated to paint or write. I have a hard enough time starting a simple chore. I have my kids and my grandkids and my sisters; but I don't have one friend that lives nearby. No one to laugh with, have some wine and watch a stupid television show with. No one to shop with, or complain to. I babysit. That is what I do now. Then I go home or send them home, and collapse.

They are my joy now, my beautiful grandchildren. That should be enough I know. But I worry about them, for them and pray they will be fine. They love me and look forward to seeing me. They greet me with open arms and kisses. But I can't fully enjoy it because I am so worried about them. And I'm so depressed about just about everything.  I hope I will be in their hearts forever, because they will be in mine.

I wish I could snap out of this.

Maybe when the sun comes out and melts the snow.

Dream Ended

My journey in plural marriage is done. Foolishly I thought being away would perhaps spark the old feelings and rescue what was left of my part in the marriage...I was wrong.

The youngest boy kept me there...actually, I do believe he kept me alive during the worst of fighting breast cancer and during the worst of the marriage. I had known him since he was barely two years old and I could see my influence on him. Unlike his father and older brother, he is a social being. Dropping him off or picking him up from preschool was a joy. But I digress. Truth is, the youngest grandson in that house, also aided me in my decision to never return. I don't want to hurt him or his siblings by coming and going and coming and going. I hope someday someone will explain that to them.

I feel relief. Sadness. Frustration. Some Anger, mostly at myself. I was surprised there has been no grieving on my part for relationships lost, a marriage gone. Then I realized that I had grieved for that long ago. I have never experienced as much heartbreak as I felt when I was there. I'm a person that cherishes alone time, but I grew to feeling so alone. More than being alone, I was always even in the midst of all the many people who were in and out of that house ... just alone.

There will be no contact with what had become my other family. No phone calls, emails, Christmas cards. I am sorry for any hurt I have caused. So sorry that the dream ended. The hopes I had for a new, better life; for love and happiness and fun have been gone for quite a while. Truth is only the young children missed me all this time I've been gone. I try to remember the good times, but it's a stretch because they are long ago. Unfortunately they are replaced by memories of deception and pain, as though I had been emotionally raped and stripped of everything I ever held dear; especially a lifetime of working on my self-esteem. Financially I have gone from sailing on a ship to far away places to being strapped and stressed beyond my wildest dreams.

So, while I may not disapprove of the plural lifestyle, for me the journey has ended. the dream has vanished. And I am, I hope, alone in a good way.

depression

I didn't realize how long it had been since I last posted. No excuses, I just haven't felt like it. This journey .... I don't know what to say anymore frankly. To be even more brutally honest, my depression seems to have overwhelmed me.

I've suffered from depression on and off for most of my adult life, or so it seems. Throughout my 20s, 30s and even 40s, I managed to control it by myself. I used to just chase it away when it would pop up. Plus, children, especially when they are young, have a way of helping you smile and laugh, and laughter truly is good medicine. I practiced yoga on and off for years; and I always had a large circle of friends. I was busy. If I woke up sad, I learned to brush it off. Unfortunately I think what happens when you are busy trying to keep your sanity is that you neglect other things; make bad decisions; clumsy mistakes; and sometimes let anger take over emotions. There were even times when I had such terrible anxiety that my nerves literally would get the best of me. Eventually, at one difficult time I sought help from a doctor and started taking anti-depression and anxiety medications.

Today I woke up confused. Is this sadness? Anger? Just a funk? Medication doesn't always work...better decision making helps just as much even more sometimes. Decision making has always and continues to be my worst character flaw I think. Two hours after waking up, I just sunk in to despair. All I could think of was how I had ruined my life, my kids lives, probably all three of the husbands I've had, and god knows who else's lives. Remorse and guilt swept over me like huge waves crashing on the beach. After about ten minutes of self-pity I stood up and took some deep breaths. I'll get over this just as I always have. I will hug my grand-babies and smile because that is what I do. I will accept, eventually, that a loving, happy relationship is just not meant to be. I will not let heartbreak and guilt overcome the rest of my life.

I finally understand how my mother (now deceased) felt years after my dad passed away. More than once she would say, "I just need to touch someone and have them touch me." I was so busy at the time being touched (hugged, grabbed, tickled, kissed, patted, etc)by my young children and husband that I didn't empathize at all....Ma, I am so sorry.

Wake Up Thoughts

When I was at my worst phases of insomnia (hard to say, probably during menopause), I would lie awake most of the night unable to turn the "movie" off in my head. Those thoughts that keep going around and around inside your head - replays of the day; little aggravating thoughts about all kinds of things, not always so little; serious thoughts about finances, children, relationships - of course you know what I'm talking about. Those thoughts turn the hands on the clock from midnight to 4 am very quickly and can be quite troublesome. But I think I have topped them with my WAKE UP thoughts.

I'm not sure when these wake up thoughts first became problematic. All I know is they can be quite unsettling. These thoughts don't appear every morning and there is no way to prepare for them or to stop them.

Occasionally they are little sad thoughts. When hubby and I lived so very many miles away from each other, sometimes toward the middle of the time between our visits I would sometimes wake up and just as my eyes were opening, I would think of him and think "I miss him." Almost out loud.

When I was recuperating from my mastectomy, I would wake up angry! The thought - I'm so ANGRY- would literally form on my lips. It seems anger is a recurring theme in my "wake up thoughts." It can be about anything. It sometimes used to be about #2 and her possessiveness. Other times angry thoughts would emerge at dawn about something hubby had said or done that I found particularly upsetting. Occasionally, the thought would be about something sad, annoying, or almost trivial. Whatever the thoughts are about they have an urgency. They rouse me when usually I am difficult to awake.

The other day, I woke up and as clear as a bell my first thoughts were how I missed the 5 year old grandson I left behind. For some reason this startled me. I think I know why I had that wake up thought. That little boy was a constant source of affection for me. He hugged and hugged me, especially when no one else did. The human touch is so necessary. It is the sugar of life. When my father died for years I recall my mother saying: "I just want someone to touch me." This was disturbing to me because I know I hugged her on occasion, or took her arm crossing the street and so forth. I used to have a problem with being touched. I have an instinct to pull away. But that little boys hugs were more than welcome. They were the medicine I needed. And now I miss them.

Happiness, Is it the Key to Life?

How true how true! It's just common sense isn't it? Or maybe John Lennon's mother was just very wise. I think she was on to something. How to obtain happiness is the question.

Steve Jobs told everyone to "love what you do" or words to that effect. Love what you do for a living. Love your lifestyle choices. Love your home; love a hobby; etc. etc.

Love and happiness should go together like peanut butter and jelly in my humble opinion. Find someone to love who makes you happy...at least as happy as you allow yourself to be. Ahhh...that can be a problem for some people I think.

I seem to fall in love with men who have a difficult time being happy. Perhaps they feel they don't deserve to be happy. They have a hard time feeling comfortable with happy. Just my observation but I think I'm correct about this. What about this trait makes them attractive to me, or am I attracted in spite of their lack of overall happiness? Unfortunately, it's a trait that becomes annoying. In hubby's case, I have always tried to brush his "unhappy" off; or tried to replace it with "happy." Sometimes I was successful.

Anyway, happiness for me comes and goes. I'm happy about certain things but not everything, and in my mind not enough things. But there are things that definitely make my heart sing. All of my grandchildren for instance. Summer is a big source of "happy" for me. The ocean. Holy cannoli, bring me to the ocean and everything changes for the better...my allergies disappear; I smile, a lot; life feels better in general. Good food. Being near my children. Travelling to fun and/or relaxing places. A good book or movie. Finishing a painting. Writing something I'm satisfied with. A man who loves me including and in spite of my numerous faults.