Saturday, February 28, 2009


Our hubby has not one, two or three anniversaries to remember but 4! We have our individual anniversary - #1 their original wedding day. #2 I think it's the day they commerate her joining the family. #3 (me) The day we met. #4!!! The day I officially joined the family and we had a collective ceremony. The other day was my personal anniversary. And it was lovely!

Hubby surprised me with breakfast in bed, then we went out for a very extravagent and wonderful dinner in a romantic spot. When we got home, we had cake with the grandkids and kids and sister wives. He also had flowers delivered to our home.

He is very good at special days. I'm not. :( I always seem to botch them in some way and never really know what to do, if a gift is appropriate or all that.

Yes, yes, there were moments that tugged me back to the can guess what they were, I don't want to spoil my mood. But it really was a lovely day and it happened to fall on my usual day so there wasn't any switching around or anything. thankfully because it's always a hassle when we do that.

Other good news:
#2 if finally back to work - she was laid off for two whole weeks!
I seem to be getting along with the teenagers somewhat better!
I've been here 11 months and I think the worst of the adjustment period is over!

Interesting note:
The 16 yr old son woke me up during a nap before dinner on my anniversary night with a startling question: "Do you think it's right for Dad to kiss #2 on your Anniversary day?" wow
THAT was out of the blue. I think I said something like well that depends why? And he said something like, well I don't. And he walked out of my room!! Turns out he also confronted his dad with that question!!!
Hubby tried to explain to him that he would never reject affection from his wives and that there was nothing wrong with an affectionate kiss on anyone's day. I explained to hubby that probably the question arose because #2 is KISSY very frequently and it amuses us all to an extent and it also is odd given the length of their relationship...of course he responded that we all hug him or vice versa any day but that #2 was just expressing her insecurities on my special day as per usual and I didn't seem so upset about it, why should it upset his son? hmmmm

Friday, February 20, 2009

Suburban Polygamy #1

I read and post the forums on HBO's Big Love website..and the subject of Responsible Polygamy has come up. Everyone of course has their opinions but I've come to one conclusion that goes for any type of plural marriage one would enter into..mine is a little bit like the Big Love marriage in that it is what I would call Suburban Polygamy, instead of the compound type.

The most important thing for harmony in a suburban plural marriage or any plural marriage is something I find myself surprised to say...I think it's very necessary for there to be a strong, responsible, fair and kind but also structure inclined FIRST WIFE.

Let me explain from my own perspective which isn't all that good! The first wife in our marriage is sweet and kind, devoted to the family, hard working and fair, BUT she doesn't have much spine and has let #2 over rule her or manipulate both her and hubby for YEARS AND YEARS. I come along and expect a little bit of special treatment because I am so new to this lifestyle and #1 agrees to a point. #2 however, in her insecurity and clinginess has a difficult time giving up her "newness" 16 years into the marriage!!! #1 can only guide but #2 doesn't listen. She is the Nicki from Big Love in our marriage, without the sexual hang ups.

Because of confusion in a structural way, I wind up having to take charge sometimes when it isn't really my place, that only adds more confusion and resentment and around it goes in a vicious cycle. All the while hubby watching and waiting for his turn to speak up and take the ultimate charge of whatever situation is in the works being discussed and argued over. This puts hubby in an unfair position because occasionally he has to be the bad guy or make someone unhappy................ that then makes me mad! #2 will cry and #1 will retreat to her room.

If she were stronger, and was willing to risk being disliked on occasion the way Barb, the first wife in BL is, things would go smoother. But she's not. She hates conflict.

I think what I'm trying to say here is that most people don't realize the importan role the first wife has, nor how hard it is for sister wives to get along and really LIKE each other most of the time. The people in Big Love at least have their own houses, their own place where they are the ONLY woman in the kitchen, the bathroom, the living room etc. Thankfully, I bring no children to this marriage or it would be more difficult.

Living under one roof is extremely trying. The moments for intimacy of any kind are fewer I believe. I have to remind myself to leave time for romance and fun as I'm sure the others do. A strong first wife would somehow in someway make it I wrong? Maybe, maybe I'm looking for a scapegoat. I'm not sure but I would appreciate anyone's thoughts on this.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Things get better

So, hubby told me that he expected me to have a sit down with the other women and hash all this out. Not an easy task as #1 avoids conflict of any kind, and #2 is hard to communicate with..but I gave it a try..minus number 1 who said she would defer to my judgement but needed to get to sleep early and had hubby's blessing.

We talked..with me trying very very hard to be non confrontational. I told her that the number one thing she does that drives us all crazy was her going to hubby like a child going to Daddy to tattle. That this was a totally unacceptable practice and she had been told this before. That I understand her not liking her day to be "ruined" so to speak but that she still had the whole evening and whining and sulking just put hubby in a bad mood and the rest of us feeling like a nice day had been spoiled by the baby of the family! Well..she took this all in and agreed. She made sure to tell me that she still felt I wasn't a submissive wife lol oh well get used to it cause this is me! And she buttered me up by saying that she understands that my sense of humor might be different than theirs. hahaha.. ok it was a decent talk which continued into the next day...hey she is a talker! She thinks that the women should take at least one Sunday a month to do girl, antiquing, browzing, lunch, tea, whatever so that we can bond. She explained tthat she knows hubby treats her with kid gloves but that is the way it has always been..(I wonder why) and that she loves me like a sister and is feeling less and less jealous and insecure..she ADMITTED that the first few months were very hard for her and she compensated by being overly hovering and smothering to hubby and she feels badly about that now because I must have been uncomfortable..(jee ya think?)

All and all it was an ok sit down. We both reported to hubby that we would try harder which is all he asks and that was that. Oh one good result! She made herself a reading corner so that on my day she doesn't have to sit 6 inches from hubby all evening reading a book. lol We shall see! But it's a start. I told her that I would try to arrange more alone time for her.

Honestly - under the same roof is a volitle and dangerous way to live! I dislike it but I'm getting used to it. It's easier on hubby so he says and I will admit that it has given me the opportunity to know these people intimately. All the good with the bad. I do still long for my own living room and kitchen and bathroom..sigh. And someday it may happen. Just not now.

As for the's staying the way hubby made it for now too..give me a couple of months :)

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Week from Hell

Damn her! yes - I don't care if that sounds horrid. If you read my back story at all you know how important the schedule is and how elated I was when it changed to something I was more comfortable with. The problem started last Sunday and it's been..well welcome to my week from hell.

Hubby and #1 wanted to surprise me by taking me to the casino (something I've expressed an interest in since the casino story in Big Love) and a place where Hubby and #1 have gone on infrequent occasion to relax. They never bring much - Hubby says never bring more than you're willing to lose. Anyway, it had been a long time since any of us had done anything frivolous and they had just received their tax refund. They tried to plan it for #1's day but the plan got foiled by the kiddos. The next day, mine, something else got in the way. Sunday was #2's day. She usually goes to church but had decided not too so off we went. Only #1 and hubby knowing exactly where at first. Well true to form #2 clung to hubby's side all day even though he gave us each a small amount of money to play the slot machines with. I didn't care because it was fun anyway and I didn't lose anything except winnings, broke even. We had a really nice time, ate a nice meal, and enjoyed ourselves except that #2 was antsy to get going home and somehow managed to royally piss off hubby (unusual for her) as we were leaving. Of course this resulted in pouting and sulking the whole way home. And I swear this almost 50 year old woman reverses to the posture of a child when she sulks. It's sooooo annoying. We were home by 7pm I think.

The next morning the weather report was bad, saying we might get an ice storm (btw it didn't arrive for a couple of days) so mid morning #1 called me to ask if I would mind switching days with her since she would stay at relatives near work. Let me explain.

We used to have assigned days broken up evenly with a different one getting 3 each week. To me it seemed unrealistic and sometimes I would have 4 or 5 days in between. Plus it meant that whoever had Saturday always had Saturday etc. We changed all that to a rotation schedule. Something #1 and I brought up to #2 and she agreed, as it turns out reluctantly because if she didn't get one of her days off (which happened occasionly ) she would be upset to have only the evenings and mornings. ugh. Of course when HER work schedule changed to where she didn't leave for work until 12:30 pm, she wound up with every morning anyway but thats' a WHOLE nother story

So of course I said of course but hubby overheard and said NO, we weren't going to do any switching because the schedule needed to be changed. omg! I nearly dropped the phone and #1 was going oh no on the other end. We went back to assigned days with hubby giving #2 one of her days off each week.

Apparently, according to hubby, someone was unhappy with the schedule and it had to be changed. That someone didn't come to her sister wives to talk about it, she went directly to hubby at 3 am when he was trying to sleep!

As #1 said, she got her way. Took her several months to get it but she got it. Now for the great part. You have to just love karma! The very next day, her boss changed her days off!!!!! I kid you not. All hubby said to her was...we are NOT changing the schedule again. pfft.

Well today was her day off. He always has to pander to her and go on some kind of excursion whether he wants to or not. As I said to him, her demand make the rest of us back away to give him space. They returned from their excursion with hubby in a mood. Apparently the purpose for the trip to the mall was so she could talk uninterrupted and spend time griping about me! (along with her usual "wish I could stay home and take care of the house and hubby instead of going to work" gripe. How well she and #1 got along before I came along but now 1 and I gang up on her, talk about her, and all kinds of other good stuff. How happy they all were before they had to fit me into their lives. WHY on earth he would tell me she said all this I don't know, but I'm saving it. Putting it in a little drawer somewhere to be pulled out when I need it. My response to hubby was - yes everyone was happy because #1 would spend the entire evening every evening in her room watching tv while #2 played house - monogomy house! And if you were to ask #2 if that was fair she would say - #1 chose to do that and besides she is the only one who can visit him in the hospital, etc etc etc.............

You know what's weird? This all happened immediately after I had a night with hubby and we were discussing how FINALLY everything seemed to be falling into place, how the household had developed at last a nice rythmn, how are financial problems were ironing out and we were all getting along and how happy he was feeling.

One good thing happened this week though - I started my classes!