The Reason for The Season

Every year it seems the debate over "Merry Christmas" seems to grow and grow. Do we say Merry Christmas to everyone? Should Merry Christmas be written or said in various situations. Doesn't Happy Holidays make so much more sense? After all not everyone celebrates Christmas. .... and so on and so forth.

When I used to send many Christmas cards I made a point of having a "Merry Christmas" one for some; a religious one for others, like an angel, or baby Jesus, or the Wise Men; and a generic Happy Holidays for those who were Jewish or didn't celebrate Christmas for whatever reason. Ridiculous you say. I agree, now. Merry Christmas was always my favorite; the religious card I felt was a good reminder of the reason for the season; and the Holiday card made me feel better, somehow. Again, silly and ridiculous.

The point I want to make is, Happy Hannuka is fine with me. I don't celebrate that holiday, but I am aware of it and have no problem with children being taught about Hannukah in school. The same goes for Kwanza. But everyone except the most religious Christians seem to have a problem with children being taught about Christmas. Let's put snowmen around the school walls and so forth and call it a day. Let's not.

Town Squares may have a Christmas tree and a Mennorah and Kwanza candles now-a-days. However, put out a creche and watch the rumble. Seriously? This offends you? You're ridiculous. I am the biggest believer in separation of Church and State but reminding folks that this is a religious holiday for some does not offend me in the slightest.

There are all kinds of reasons to revel in the saying of Merry Christmas. There are very few, and mostly narrow minded reasons to ban it.

Growing  up in suburban New York City, none of this was an issue; but then slowly things changed. Also growing up where I did and raising my family there, I have always been surrounded by people of all faiths and races. Do you go out of your way to say Merry Christmas to a co-worker who you know full well does not celebrate the holiday? No. If that person happened to be Jewish a Happy Hannuka works during that time. Matter of fact some of the best Christmas decorations could be found in the homes and offices of my Jewish co-workers and friends. Any excuse would do:  an inter faith marriage being only one of those.

You see, the reason for this season is not just the birth of Christ, or commemorating the rededication of the Holy Temple (the Second Temple) in Jerusalem at the time of the Maccabean Revolt against the Seleucid Empire, nor the honoring of the African American culture; and not the annual observance of Ramadan. The real reason for the season in love. 

So I wish all of you a very Happy, Merry, and Holy!

The rest of the year.........

Summer's almost over. That bothers me, I never feel that it's long enough - like a kid who doesn't want to go back to school, I mourn the end of summer. There are a few things I like about autumn/fall. The leaves turning beautiful colors. Crisp but not totally cold air. The smell of a school all cleaned up, polished and ready for its students. Indian summer....when and if we have one. That's about it. Otherwise, you can keep it.

Keep Halloween please; as well as that other fall holiday, Thanksgiving. Halloween because after the kids in your life are 9 years old it's just a bother. Make that 7. Thanksgiving because while I love the food spread associated with it. What's the point really? No one that I know has ever been truly thankful. They just say they are. And then there's the fact that fall leads to winter very rapidly. Humbug.

The madness of Christmas. The cold, frigid temperatures. The SNOW! The ice. Black ice. Gray unsightly days. The dreaded month of February. When I was raising children I always wondered why, oh why, give the kids a whole week off from school when it's miserable outside? Oh yeah, you can take them skiing; or if you really want to blow money you can drag them away from the bad weather to some paradise island. Fun? Maybe if you're lucky. But If I'm going to paradise young children are not who I want to bring with me. Much as I love my grandkids I am pretty sure I don't want to take them either. Tweens and teens? Good gracious, I'm not that crazy. Staying home and being miserable until spring actually sounds better.

Easter. The holiest holiday in the Christian calendar, has always been iffy for me. Honestly. Even when as a youngster, while I enjoyed the dressing up in new Easter outfits, and the family dinner with cousins and aunts and uncles, the purpose of this holiday always was a blur for me. More so than Christmas even. Is it a holy day? Are we meditating on the death and resurection of Christ; or has the Easter bunny left me enough chocolate to last a lifetime? At various stages of my life I immersed myself in to the holy part of it. Holy Thursday; Good Friday visiting what seemed like a kazillion churches with my mother; Holy Saturday Easter Vigil; and the the Easter Bunny, the bonnet, the shiny shoes, chocolate and ham. All mixed together like a hodgepodge of life. Serious yet festive. Borderline morose and the silliness of hunting for plastic Easter eggs. Just a strange holiday if you ask me. And god forbid it rains and all that festivity is spoiled. The truly one thing nice about spring is it's not cold anymore and the flowers start to bloom. That's it. Oh, and summer is on its way.

Beloved summer. Warm, hot, sticky, lazy summer. The smell of suntan lotion and salt water just never loses its appeal to me. Sand in my hair, down my bathing suit, and stuck to my feet is not at all bothersome. It's just a reminder of how nice it is outside; how little work one is expected to get done; and that this will last almost 3 months. Even chlorine smells good to me, clean in a way nothing else is clean. Long days when the sun doesn't go down until after 9 pm and when it starts its journey people stop in awe. Summer's holiday, July 4th, is passable. It's a do what you find fun kind of a day. People. No people. Beach. No beach. Barbeque. No barbeque. Fireworks or not. Truthfully, I could go on and on and on about the virtues of summer.......and now it's almost over.

Thanksgiving Reflection

Wow, didn't realize it had been two months since my last post. Settled in to a small, very small apartment, more like a room with a closet of a kitchen, but oh well. Who do I have to cook for?

I have reflected some on what I have to be thankful for this year:
For one, I am closer to my children both physically and emotionally. Although since I spent almost every day the past year with my oldest,, I think he may be tired of his mom.

My youngest boy is doing better. Both boys are back to school, I should refer to them as men. I am both surprised and proud of that.

My three absolutely beautiful, fun, and loving grand children. The oldest, only 4 is wise beyond his years and just a lot of fun. My delightful grand daughter, 16 months, who makes me smile everyday. She is a handful just as her dad was as a youngin, but she is a kisser and a hugger and I need her presence in my life. The baby, 6 months, who I worried about them having and not being able to afford him..he is adorable and embedded in my heart at this point, that I barely remember wishing he wasn't coming along..and regret thinking those thoughts.

My sisters, all three, ......imperfect, bossy, sometimes judgmental. I don't care. They are my best friends and I only recently discovered that.

My niece. One of three, she is so kind and beautiful, and I am so proud of her. The rest of those cousins I have not gotten close to but they are all grown and don't live close.

The roof over my head. So many have recently become homeless due to Hurricane Sandy, I can't imagine their loss.

My parents. Long gone, but their influence stays with me. They instilled a strong moral compass in us that I have occasionally strayed from, but never got completely lost, and always find my way back.Everything about the way they lived their lives taught me to care about other people; try to do the right thing; and never lose sight of family.

I am thankful that I have had this blog and it's readers during this journey.

That through all my past mistakes; all the pain I mostly self inflicted on myself; through a tremendous health crisis; through every trial and tribulation I have ever experienced ~ I have survived.

Christmas and New Years

I've always had a hot and cold relationship with the Holidays. As a child I used to throw up every Christmas Eve...I guess the excitement. As a teenager and college student New Year's Eve was always a time of angst for me. I wasn't allowed to go out with friends or even to a house party. I was expected to stay home with the family. We had a party at home and it wasn't all misery but it usually had me either embarrassed or angry or resentful. My parent's home always looked so beautiful for Christmas. I always found it odd that once we all moved and especially after my Dad passed, she didn't fuss about Christmas at all.

As an adult, and a parent Christmas was a huge amount of work, but fun non-the-less. A shopper I'm not. Shopping to me is a headache, a chore tolerated for the children's sake. I did always enjoy decorating the tree and collected ornaments that hold a great deal of sentimental value. All of them are at hubby's house. I love driving around and looking at all the outdoor decorations. Always sad when their time is up and the outdoors goes back to looking bleak.

In my plural family, hubby makes a huge deal over Christmas, decorating to the nines, shopping, cooking, the works. I have to admit he does a great job. We all help where we can but he's definitely in charge of it. I always found that to be somewhat of a relief, no pressure put on me to make the perfect Christmas. The only challenge was getting used to new traditions and trying to blend my taste with my sister wive's tastes.

Here where I am, I'm just Grandma. Not in charge of anything and that's ok. Not great but ok. I have a little fake tree that I bought some cheap ornaments for, and my sister will make a nice Christmas for all of us I'm sure. New Year's Eve I will probably be alone or with one of my boys. Very low key.

I'm beginning to understand my mother more and more. I miss her.

In case I don't blog before the holiday gets here, I hope you all have a good one filled with love.

Thanksgiving

I am starting to miss the hustle and bustle of the holidays in our poly household. Hubby is really really good at holidays, as I've probably mentioned before. He, with the help of #1 and me, cooks up a storm. There is always a ton of leftovers. No bickering or fighting allowed, period. And just with the immediate family it's a crowd! When his brother, nieces and cousins join us like on Christmas Eve, it's quite festive and fun.

Thanksgiving is my favorite though because of the lack of pressure about gifts etc. I had to get used to not being "in charge" of the meal, but that wasn't too hard to do. lol... One time I stuffed a turkey as well as having the stuffing separate but that was only once. #2 threw a royal fit because he never allowed her to do that, so that was the only time. She took the joy out of that little tradition. However my mashed potatoes and gravy were added to the meal and stayed.

My sister's husband is cooking the meal this year. As he always does. He doesn't want help with it, which I guess is fine. It's just another reminder that I am basically homeless. I know that sounds dramatic. It's not like I don't have a roof over my head every night. Obviously I do. But it is always someone else's roof. This is a situation that won't be resolved any time soon so I just may as well get used to it and be thankful. I am cognizant of the fact that many, many people have far less than I have. We will be joined by my children, my grandchildren, and her husband's children. It will be very nice.

I am thankful also to have the love of my family; to have good food to eat; my health (except for the darn head cold) for the most part; to have children who have good hearts; and a bunch of other small stuff. I hope you all have a healthy and happy Thanksgiving too.

Age, Aging, Growing Old

I've had another birthday, and for that I am grateful...but man oh man, how did I get so old? I'm not kidding, I've never thought of myself as an old person. My parents were old...my aunts and uncles and grandparents. I am still the rebellious 20something who never did the ordinary thing. The underachieving, late blooming daughter, sister, wife, mother. When I turned 30 I was depressed for days. The good news is I have never looked my age, I've always looked younger, as did my parents..it's in the genes. The bad news is depression can still make you feel old even when you barely qualify.

When I met hubby, he was 15 years younger than I. He still is. I was in my mid 50s, and was feeling it, largely because of my unhappiness. Physically, I felt great. I had spent 25 years in a very unhappy marriage, a lonely marriage with a man who didn't encourage socializing. lol What an odd way to put it. Anyway, according to my children, I ran off to a new life to feel better about myself.

When I arrived in my new life, different part of the country, plural marriage and so forth, things changed. On the rare occasion hubby and I did something alone, perhaps a Jimmy Buffett concert, I felt happy and young. But we were rarely doing anything alone. And the first year was very, very hard. Just as everything was starting to click, I got sick..pretty damned sick. For the first time in my life I really felt my age, and looked it too. Chemotherapy will do that to you. What I'm trying to say also is that my age was an issue in my new family.. how different they are than my blood family.

Joking about my age, my oldness became a nightly sport around the dinner table. Then there was my role as grandma in chief, as far as babysitting duties were concerned. The climate where we live is not good for old people skin! Suddenly I had wrinkles and lines in my face. The diet put weight on me. I let my hair go (long story). During treatment I was bald anyway. I fell and re-injured a knee during that first year..so now I limped. Ugh, let's just cut to the chase..I had become old. I was not aging gracefully.

I was no longer attractive to my hubby...a man who didn't deal with illness well to begin with. The man who took me out of my cocoon and made me feel young and happy, contributed to my feeling old and decrepit. How did this all happen? I want to roll back the clock to my mid 50s and have a do-over.

Hubby said he missed spending my birthday with me...we used to go on vacation for my birthday and laugh, dance, horseback ride, eat, drink, and just always had a blast. For the 3 years and 4 and a half months I lived inside my plural marriage, we never took a vacation. It was lucky if we got out to dinner once a year without another wife or the whole bunch. We really were barely ever alone. And, I aged.

Easter Here and There

The first Easter here. Actually, I was here last Easter but I think I was still shell shocked because it doesn't stand out in my mind as a holiday. This year though, I went with hubby to get the candy etc for the grandchildren's baskets. And we planned a meal. I shipped a package off to my family. Now, I find out accidently I think that Easter has never been a huge deal here. Church for the babies and #2, a nice meal, easter egg dying and baskets, but #2 doesn't think of it as a special holiday just a religious one. So a thought popped into my head, I mentioned it and Hubby declared me in charge of next year's Easter. Yet another cultural difference we all have.

Some of the family dynamics here are starting to annoy me in an odd way. Let me explain. I love my children and I would do anything for them within reason and ability. I miss them dearly. But they are grown, well they should be and mostly are. In this family even the grown children are still very much in our care. For instance, we do the Easter Baskets for the grandbabies, not their parents. They dye the eggs here with their mother. They all eat with us. We babysit daily sometimes for hours if their work schedules conflict or "we're going to the store" and other things like that. I don't get it. When I was in my twenties my parents were lucky to see me once a week. Living under their thumbs was never an option. When I had young children I had to ask for my mother to babysit which she would do for short time frames. I'm not angry about the cultural difference, but like I said, it is annoying to me sometimes.

But tomorrow/this morning, will be a fun day! Hubby's rule #1 for holidays: no fighting, bickering, punishing, pouting, or conflict. The meal will be delicious and the young children will be fun. If I had stayed in my former life I would have been going to a friend's home for a meal, or perhaps made brunch for my oldest child and whoever he dragged with him. Taken a nap and watched tv. This year there will be an Easter Egg Hunt, chocolate and a big homecooked meal. Lots of chaois and laughter and hugs all around. Next year I will add pastry for dessert, lamb instead of ham or turkey, Easter Pie and a few other traditions.

I just realized that not once in this post did I mention polygamy, jealousy or compromise. :)

Anniversary

Our hubby has not one, two or three anniversaries to remember but 4! We have our individual anniversary - #1 their original wedding day. #2 I think it's the day they commerate her joining the family. #3 (me) The day we met. #4!!! The day I officially joined the family and we had a collective ceremony. The other day was my personal anniversary. And it was lovely!

Hubby surprised me with breakfast in bed, then we went out for a very extravagent and wonderful dinner in a romantic spot. When we got home, we had cake with the grandkids and kids and sister wives. He also had flowers delivered to our home.

He is very good at special days. I'm not. :( I always seem to botch them in some way and never really know what to do, if a gift is appropriate or all that.

Yes, yes, there were moments that tugged me back to the realities...you can guess what they were, I don't want to spoil my mood. But it really was a lovely day and it happened to fall on my usual day so there wasn't any switching around or anything. thankfully because it's always a hassle when we do that.

Other good news:
#2 if finally back to work - she was laid off for two whole weeks!
I seem to be getting along with the teenagers somewhat better!
I've been here 11 months and I think the worst of the adjustment period is over!

Interesting note:
The 16 yr old son woke me up during a nap before dinner on my anniversary night with a startling question: "Do you think it's right for Dad to kiss #2 on your Anniversary day?" wow
THAT was out of the blue. I think I said something like well that depends why? And he said something like, well I don't. And he walked out of my room!! Turns out he also confronted his dad with that question!!!
Hubby tried to explain to him that he would never reject affection from his wives and that there was nothing wrong with an affectionate kiss on anyone's day. I explained to hubby that probably the question arose because #2 is KISSY very frequently and it amuses us all to an extent and it also is odd given the length of their relationship...of course he responded that we all hug him or vice versa any day but that #2 was just expressing her insecurities on my special day as per usual and I didn't seem so upset about it, why should it upset his son? hmmmm

Christmas

Christmas! I have always had ambivalent feelings toward Christmas..I love it and I hate it all at once..I have to say though, Hubby makes a wonderful Christmas, unlike some other men I've known, he is really in to the preparations which makes it a whole lot easier for everyone! Clean up of wrapping paper and dinner dishes is much easier with more hands on deck too. Although three women trying to get along in one kitchen is a sight to see and can get loud.

The kitchen is my purview, mine and Hubby's, but everyone helps during the holidays, thank goodness.

I've added a new tradition to the family. They have always taken the decorations down on the 26th or 27th...we are going to wait this year until the Feast of the Epiphany, January 6th, is over. No one has complained yet, so thankfully this is smooth going so far!

This is not unlike trying to melt two families together after a divorce and someone remarries, only it's three times the melting. So anyone who thinks the women in plural marriages complain too much or bring up the negatives too often, has only to think of that analogy..We aren't necessarily unhappy, it's just constant adjusting and things to adapt to is all..There are blessings along the way which make it worth it.

Last year we stayed home on New Year's Eve, I hope that's the case this year..so much easier and less complicated. I've never been a have to go out on New Year's Eve person.

Happy Holidays to everyone!

Holidays

This is the second Christmas I'm not in my old home town with family and friends. My fourth Christmas not spent with my entire family, and for some reason this is the worst one yet.
We are all getting along famously here so that's not it. The only one criticising the way I do things is you know who, and I can't help that. I'm just sitting here wondering when I will if ever have the money to send for my children for the Holidays, or when will I ever get back there for a holiday, or when I will get used to being part of a new family. You see everything isn't always about polygamy. Sometimes it's just about a new marriage. Hubby god bless him is very good at holidays, if he weren't I would be miserable. He has one steadfast rule..no arguing or fighting during holiday time..wow it's wonderful. :)

I got most of my gifts mailed off so that's a good thing.

Melting into a new family sucks frankly. It's difficult but it's coming along. The second son, the high schooler I think is back in my court and has come to realize why he liked me in the first place. He is the one with all the poly questions. The other night he asked us the adults to all turn off the tv to ask us a question. He said his girlfriend wanted to know if any of us ever wished we were the only wife. #2 said sometimes, #1 was already asleep in their room, and I said nothing. He continued to say that his gf hopes he doesn't ever want to be polygamous and he told her NEVER! lol..

Oldest son well, he resents another person coming between he and his dad, another woman to compete for his dads attention or conversation.

Middle son could care less lol

The grandbabies feel like they are mine but I still miss the biological ones big time. I miss staying up all night and talking with my oldest kid, I miss my youngest's hugs. Heck I even miss his bitchy wife sometimes. lol

The friend issue is so unresolved. I've never had so few friends outside family. It feels unreal but I think it's a tough thing to make and keep friends in this situation other than job place friends. #1 comes close to being like a friend and a sister. #2 doesn't understand that if all she lives and breathes for is hubby than how can we be like sisters or best friends? Does anyone else find that kind of thing troublesome to them in their plural marriage?
Don't get me wrong, out of everyone I am closest to hubby and love him to death..but I'm used to having gfs to confide in, shop with, even watch tv with, have a glass of wine and be girly with.

Ah, the Holidays. They get you thinking and sometimes even a bit melancholy. But we can't live without them.

Yesterday everyday

Yesterday was my birthday!

I have found celebrations in plural marriage to be somewhat complicated emotionally and logistically, but was pleasantly surprised yesterday.

NO ONE is better at birthdays than hubby. I would challenge anyone.
First, he let me sleep. The night before he came into my room very late to ask what my favorite meal was. I don't have one and he knows this but thought perhaps he had just missed it. lol...
I knew we didn't have the money to go out, so I told him to just make anything he thought I would like.
Then, after I awoke, he wouldn't let me tidy up as I usually do and even made a point of leaving me alone to write without interruption.

Near dinner, he made me a romantic, aromatic whirlpool bath complete with candles and soothing music.

Dinner was delicious as always and he went out of his way to try a couple of new dishes to make the dinner special. Also baked me a cake!

After dinner, hubby feeling disappointed that we didn't go to Mexico for my birthday as we had for the past few years, made some margarittas and sat outside with me for a couple of hours just enjoying the coolish evening.

Then, instead of 3 or 4 am, he came to bed early.

It was a lovely day.
It was the first day since coming here to live in April, that I have felt special and as close to him as I did during our courtship.