Saturday, September 12, 2009

Can I be honest?

Cancer sucks. Yes. I know all about the people who fight this dreadful disease with a smile on their face, a quick joke on their lips, and the courage of a whole army. I'm not one of them. I tried. Honestly, I did try in the beginning. Everyone said I took the diagnosis really well, and I did. I didn't panic; I read; I asked questions; I assured everyone around me that I was going to survive; I went to a wedding; I made this plans or that. I comforted my husband and he decided to keep himself busy and act like everything with me was fine or would be soon. BUT IT'S NOT.

And it won't be for months.

Cancer in a poly family has it's pros and cons. #1 and even #2 have been helpful. They have tried, each of them separately, to encourage more interaction between me and hubby and more alone time. They have counseled him on my behalf. It gets a little better each day. But it's still not fine to have cancer.

Let's face it, I came here for the love of a man. I am happy to have a better relationship with #2 and to have the help of #!. It's good that they are here for me. But I really didn't need more sisters. And they are not my blood sisters who would have hugged me and laughed when I had my steroid rage the other day.The women here don't understand me.

Losing both my breasts has been awful. A long recovery on top of a very traumatic surgery for me. Breast cancer has been in my top fears as long as I can remember. For two weeks after surgery, I grieved their loss; barely speaking a word unless spoken to and avoiding tears. Then the pain of reconstructive surgery lingered and lingers still. It's a constant reminder.It's very difficult not to be depressed and fearful. At some point in the future will I ever be the person who can joke about it?

Chemo treatment is, well it's not good. Had my first one a few days ago, accompanied by steroid medication to ease affects of any allergies I might have to meds and to fight nausea. I did well. No reactions during treatment and the day after except for some heartburn. Once the steroid was stopped, it's another story. I woke up yesterday feeling like I'm getting the flu. I'm uncomfortable and achy. My head itches; everything tastes the same; and I can't shake the overall feeling of malaise. I"m so glad I don't have nausea on top of this!

When I get feeling somewhat better I'll write more. They say the worst part passes after about 10 days or so. I hope so. It's hard to concentrate on the page, but I thought I would offer my explanation for being away.


NoortheNinjabi said...

Awww *squeezy hugs*

InshaAllah you can get through this rough time. I'll ask my aunt and some of our friends coping techniques that they've used. I've heard that henna helps for the head weirdness (and brightens up the day a little.) (Hennapage has a link to's a specific hand and foot side effect, but heads have been known to react positively to the "henna treatment" as well).

You'll be in my du'a and all of theirs.

*squeezy hugs again*

Debra said...

You don't have to try and put on a brave front here, my dear. CANCER SUCKS. IT BLOWS. It is a no good, horrible, nasty disease.

As the saying goes, "One Day at a Time." The past is the past, and you can't change that; you can plan for tomorrow, but Fate has a way of messing that up, too. You can only focus on this moment, this day.

By all means, if you are achy or on a hormonal rage or just "in a mood", you are entitled to just say, "Back off!"

But you can also decide that today, you are just going to ignore the side effects, ignore the fact that you have to share hubby with other women when right now, you want and need him more than anything...decide that today, cancer and the side effects of cancer are not going to dominate the day. Period. Easier said than done, I know. But it is YOUR day. Do with it what you want, make it your own.

May today be a GREAT day!


Elizabeth: said...

I've been told that poly is hella harder when you dont bond with your SW's and marry just for the husband. Has your relationship with your SW's strained your relationship with your husband? Feeling out of place and like they don't understand you had go to be so hard, especially if its in your home while you are ill.

I'm sorry that chemo is making you feel so terrible but am happy that you have realized that cancer is not okay and you don't have to be happy about it. I will be hoping for a successful recovery for you and you will be in my thoughts.

UmmRania said...

Of course you can be honest, and you defintely dont need to go around acting like everything is ok. Its scary, its sad, its life changing physically and emotionally......I would say you are handling it very well. In Islam, we believe everything in this life is only a test to see if we will remain grateful to God, remeber, that you only lost two have 2 eyes, 2 ears, a mouth a nose, you can walk, you can love your husband and your family. I know thats easy for me to say sitting on the other side of the computer screen, but to look at those that have less than you always is more inspiring that to look at those who appear to be more blessed.

Take care!

Anonymous said...

I am glad to hear from you but sorry to know that you are having a hard time. I am not one of those folks who thinks you should just pretend everything is fine when it is not. I have not had cancer but I have a chronic illness that I will only escape through my death. So I think I have a bit of understanding. There are people that truly want to know how you are when they ask and people that just want to hear you are "fine". It is understandable and within
your rights to be angry and po'd. Cancer sucks!
I do think of you and add you to my prayers daily. withay

CM said...

I imagine it does suck - big time! Knowing myself, I am pretty sure I would not handle it with humour either!

Hang in there, my prayers are with you! From what I have been told from those I know who have gone through different forms of cancer, it does get better eventually. I hope the eventually for you is soon! Take care!

3rd... said...

just feel the way you feel.. don't be apologetic for it. You're carrying enough as it is, there is no need to worry about hurting people's feelings or not being as upbeat as you would wish.

What you're going thorugh sucks (=understatement), and you may show it. Don't waste any precious energy on pretending anything else. Whoever has problems with that may just piss off I'd say. After losing ur breats you are allowed some f'n downtime!

new#3 said...

I am so encouraged and helped by all your kind words you have no idea!