Sunday, September 27, 2009

hair and polygamy

Well, my hair decided to fall out the slow way...thinning, not in clumps. Just as yucky a way though if you ask me. Finally, yesterday, I had enough of it and asked Hubby to shave the rest off. It wasn't pleasant for him but he did it. It's an odd feeling, having no hair. wow.

One thing about the living situation here that is a plus for me while I am going through this, Hubby is always here. I don't have to wait for my day to ask him to do something like that. I'm not totally alone in the house five nights a week. And there is usually a sister wife around...well, that's not always a plus lol but sometimes it is!

I miss painting and writing and I wish I had the ability to concentrate on those things. Other than that this has been a week of feeling pretty good.

Hubby keeps reminding me he loves me and keeps apologizing for having such a difficult time dealing with things. Sometimes I just wish he would shut up lol...I hope the sister wives appreciate all the "extra" time they have been having with him because when all is said and done I intend to make up for lost time!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Things seem to get worse before getting better don't they?

Well shortly after writing the last post I had my first post chemo treatment blood test. Not a good result. My white blood cell were down off the chart and I was put on a shot to boost them back to normal. I cannot tell you how lousy I felt. This particular shot gives some folks horrible bone pain, I was lucky that I only had that for a day..but what a day it was. On the third day the next blood test proved that I had mended quite well and I've started to feel better. So it seems I will have 2 yucky weeks and 1 good week. Hey that's better than all of them being bad right?

At the moment I'm feeling pretty good and hoping that Hubby notices. He has been getting very down about the way I feel and my lack of energy to do almost anything. I may even cook dinner tonight for the family! That will be great.

I may even venture to art class this week. Hopefully I will be lucky to have chemo treatment 2 be easier on me.

Everyone has been helpful, I feel badly that I complain but I know I of the not so great character traits I've inherited I think.

I think I will take some of the advice posted here. Perhaps forgetting about the cancer for a day will be healing :) Thank you D~

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Can I be honest?

Cancer sucks. Yes. I know all about the people who fight this dreadful disease with a smile on their face, a quick joke on their lips, and the courage of a whole army. I'm not one of them. I tried. Honestly, I did try in the beginning. Everyone said I took the diagnosis really well, and I did. I didn't panic; I read; I asked questions; I assured everyone around me that I was going to survive; I went to a wedding; I made this plans or that. I comforted my husband and he decided to keep himself busy and act like everything with me was fine or would be soon. BUT IT'S NOT.

And it won't be for months.

Cancer in a poly family has it's pros and cons. #1 and even #2 have been helpful. They have tried, each of them separately, to encourage more interaction between me and hubby and more alone time. They have counseled him on my behalf. It gets a little better each day. But it's still not fine to have cancer.

Let's face it, I came here for the love of a man. I am happy to have a better relationship with #2 and to have the help of #!. It's good that they are here for me. But I really didn't need more sisters. And they are not my blood sisters who would have hugged me and laughed when I had my steroid rage the other day.The women here don't understand me.

Losing both my breasts has been awful. A long recovery on top of a very traumatic surgery for me. Breast cancer has been in my top fears as long as I can remember. For two weeks after surgery, I grieved their loss; barely speaking a word unless spoken to and avoiding tears. Then the pain of reconstructive surgery lingered and lingers still. It's a constant reminder.It's very difficult not to be depressed and fearful. At some point in the future will I ever be the person who can joke about it?

Chemo treatment is, well it's not good. Had my first one a few days ago, accompanied by steroid medication to ease affects of any allergies I might have to meds and to fight nausea. I did well. No reactions during treatment and the day after except for some heartburn. Once the steroid was stopped, it's another story. I woke up yesterday feeling like I'm getting the flu. I'm uncomfortable and achy. My head itches; everything tastes the same; and I can't shake the overall feeling of malaise. I"m so glad I don't have nausea on top of this!

When I get feeling somewhat better I'll write more. They say the worst part passes after about 10 days or so. I hope so. It's hard to concentrate on the page, but I thought I would offer my explanation for being away.