Friday, June 26, 2009

Selfish Self-Centered Decisions and Feelings ~ Breast Cancer Issues in Polygamy

It feels like it's been a long time since I've written here. I know it hasn't been long. What's been happening is I could write something everyday but I don't want to over do it and bore everyone who reads.

Tuesday morning I went to see the so called famous Breast surgeon. In case you don't know there is one in every city and town. My sisters who only just found out about my plural marriage really wanted me to see this one doctor in the next city. I wanted to see her too. It's like if I'm going to lose my boobs please god let it be by the hands of a famous doctor, the most experienced doctor I can find. Well, I didn't like her. Neither did hubby and I could tell it wasn't because we had to drive to her city the night before so I could be on time for the early morning appointment. She just didn't seem to want to be my doctor. So decision made, staying close to home for surgery and treatment, now let's get on with it!

This is such a hectic time here in our house, besides what's going on with me. Kids home from school for the summer. More people in and out of the house than usual. Yard still not done. Extended family stuff. More chaos. Hubby loves activity. It can be fun but very hectic.

I will be traveling to visit friends and family next week. Then back here for all kinds of prep for the surgery/s. Oncologist visit; plastic surgeon visit; who knows what else. I feel badly that my surgery is going to interrupt everyone's lives around me. We may even have visits from my family - kids, siblings etc. yikes! Should be interesting.

I worry that Hubby will have too much on his plate. It will be difficult for him to make sure #1 and #2 aren't neglected, and knowing him he will feel they can't do without their allotted amount of time with him. When I think about that I just feel like crawling into a hole, and waking up when it's all over. Also I fear he will encourage #1 and #2 to fill in for him more often than not. I want them to help and I'm lucky to have two women living here who care for me. But I want Hubby as my prime caregiver, even if it means he's supervising someone else. Gosh. Polygamy complicates my disease and recovery, for me at least. Sometimes I don't like the way this family works, sigh, and I wish I could somehow get it to work better, smoother, flawlessly. Hubby thinks that means I'm unhappy here, but I'm not unhappy. I AM frustrated sometimes; my insides shout out for change but at the same time we laugh, we love, we have good times. Perfection is unattainable; should it be coveted? I don't know.

I don't want anyone to feel slighted or lonely. At the same time I selfishly want more of him. I want this situation to bring Hubby and I closer the way it might if we were monogamous - without pulling him away from the others. Ugh! Impossible maybe. Am I crazy? Wrong? Over reacting?

Thursday, June 18, 2009


I'm going with the poll results and going to incorporate the breast cancer into this polygamy blog. I may do a separate one also at some point.

Yesterday Hubby and I went to see the first breast surgeon I'm interviewing. #1 met us there. This is the surgeon I'm doubtful about but she turned out to be very nice. In my heart though I still have the nagging feeling I need another opinion. So I have an appointment with another surgeon in a few days..Someone highly recommended and with lengthy credentials and lots of years of experience. The problem is she's an hour or more away. This will be a big decision and a difficult one to make.

The good news is this doctor didn't feel that the cancer has spread. She said she can't be one hundred percent sure but she's pretty positive.

Here's the difficult thing about being in a plural marriage - it's hard to be selfish and self serving. But when you don't feel well, that's what you want to be. When you're scared that's what you want to be. When you're angry that's what you want to be. When you're sad that's what you want to be. More than ever I want Hubby to myself, but at the same time I'm grateful when someone else goes somewhere with him so I can sit at the computer and write, or hang out in my room and cry or nap.

Here's the good thing about being in a plural marriage - there are other people to do chores! It's hard to be depressed when surrounded by people laughing, swimming and in general having a good time.

Don't you just love summer? I love summer. Summer here is hot as hell but you can count on the sunshine which is great! It's always been my favorite time of the year. I feel younger, healthier and prettier in the summer. I don't get winter people.

I've been working on a garden in the area #2 wanted a new garden, it's been rough going because I got a late start and because the cats got to it, but Hubby's nephew is helping me now so hopefully something will grow and bloom there :)

Example of quirky difficulty in a plural marriage:

Buying beach or pool towels. I know that sounds stupid, and it is. I decided the four of us needed two towels each. Sounds simple. Of course they have to be different so you can tell which are yours. Try pleasing everyone... For some reasons a little decision like that can result in conflict believe it or not! I guess I still feel the need to please everyone. Hubby has been complaining lately that he always feels like he has to please so many people at the same time. I know what he means.

Anyway, I'm lousy at decisions in general. Breast cancer involves many decisions. This part is going to be rough.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Important Things

Here I am again!
2 posts/ 1 day
I'm impressing myself.

Anyway, if you scroll down you'll see a breast cancer awareness pink ribbon. I confess that I used to avoid those. Walks, runs, benefits, all avoided because of the symbolic pink ribbon. In my private world, breast cancer did not exist. Out of the blue not long ago I started to let go on the avoidance somewhat. There are all these cute, upbeat, breast cancer sayings on the internet.I haven't missed the irony of having those particular words in one sentence.

"Save second base," is one. Very cute, almost sexy and geared for my generation. Does second base even exist today?

"Save the TaTas," is another. Girlfriendy (sorry not a real word)and sassy.

There are others. I like them. They send their message without making me think of death.

They are many times accompanied by the pink ribbon. Hubby and his oldest son got tattoos of the pink ribbon with my name in it. I was deeply touched.So..the pink ribbon is added to my blog.

Gosh, you all have become my girlfriends in my new life, even you Hidden Sage! I mean that in the best sense you can think of HS. This is what I'm missing from my sister wives. Much as I love #1 and have come to appreciate some of #2's qualities,somehow I can't ramble with them, or vent, or gossip or any of that girl chatter we women can do that is as meaningful as it is silly. You, the readers here, are that for me. Even, I dare say those anonymous folk from a few months ago that trolled our blogs just to pick a fight. We all have had girlfriends that rubbed us the wrong way at times.

So the point is, it crossed my mind that the forces more powerful than I, won the avoid the pink ribbons battle with me. Let me tell you I'm not talking about God, but something or someone whose intention is to get my attention. Or, something that could be saying, "pay back's a bitch." Karma perhaps. However, in an attempt to stay positive and receptive to good power, I'm pushing those thoughts from my mind.

Now you know why I'm angry. Important things high up on the shelf went ignored for years. I'm angry at myself.

My Anger

The other morning I woke up feeling angry at the world. I walked around the yard cussing out the pets that were making growing an herb garden akin to climbing a mountain, and the strong sun that has burned what's growing even though I water every day; I kicked the leaky tire on one of the cars; slammed the hard to close gate shut and climbed back into bed to stare at the ceiling. It was a self-absorbed moment, almost as luxurious as it was upsetting. I realized as time went by that I was angry at myself.

I haven't been writing as much of late, not even very many opinion pieces- and those usually flow right off my fingertips as I type. I blame it on the household chaos but I think it was plain old writer's block. So for a couple of days I toyed with the penning of a short poem about my anger. Finally I tried. All I could come up with is this little trilogy of haiku, but it describes my feeling pretty well. To be honest my quilts aren't scratchy at all but it was the best I could do to describe the tossing that came before waking.

My Anger

I'm angry mostly
for putting important things
high up on the shelf

Anger wakes me up
seething into the morning
arms thrown to the sky

A scratchy cover
of anger filled twisted quilts
lay left on the bed

I'm told that anger is a normal feeling especially during a health crisis, but anger at myself is new to me, it's something I usually push far away.

A few days after that episode I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. It wouldn't go away until I cried. I'm not big on crying but I admit it feels good in a way.

Monday, June 8, 2009

A Poll of Importance to Me

Dear Readers/followers:

Please read the previous post here before reading further.

I need to make a decision about this blog. I want to keep on blogging about my choice in lifestyle, but at the same time I feel the need to blog about my breast cancer. Writing is what I do, have always done, and sometimes is the way I deal with things.

The choice I have to make is whether or not to make it all one blog. My fear is that my breast cancer journey will over shadow my plural marriage journey or vice versa. I am asking for your opinion. In the end I may not agree with the poll; I may do just the opposite of your advice but it will help me in the decision process, really it will.

Oh - I'm sorry to say that yes I have breast cancer and may have more. I got the first diagnosis this afternoon. I woke up feeling angry, mostly at myself, but also just angry for no reason. Like a premonition. Then I got the call on the results for the first set of biopsies. No prognosis yet and probably won't be for a few weeks. There are two more lumps to be biopsied. The results I got today are from both breasts, similar but different lumps. I won't go in to too much detail here, but there are another two, one in each breast. I have every reason to be hopeful of a good result so I am going to try to remain positive as I can.

Hubby shaved his head today which made me both smile and be annoyed. The whole gang is going tonight to get pink ribbon tattoos. Not me. It's a lovely gesture and I appreciate it but I'm still adjusting to this new knowledge...

I will say this - plural marriage means extra support.

Friday, June 5, 2009


I'm being tested. Just when I think I've conquered most if not all of my challenges another one comes along. A couple of weeks ago Hubby discovered a large lump on my breast, large enough to be visible to the eye although under my breast where my bra goes. How neither of us noticed this before I don't know as it is 2x2 cm. A day and a half later I was at the doctors office who sent me for a mammogram. Since then, I've had yet another mammogram, several ultrasounds and won't know for certain what these lumps are. #1 has been quite helpful in regard to helping me locate the right caretakers and doctors. #2 hugs me more than usual and Hubby is treating me like I'm made of glass. I somehow have avoided freaking out.

If the news is very bad I'm going to be awfully pissed off at God for bringing me his challenge at this point in my life. I feel like I only started really living in the past couple of years. If the news is so so I'll/we'll deal. If the news is positive that's even better! This development has brought many changes to my life already. Hubby decided that I needed to tell my sisters about my lifestyle. I fought it but eventually gave in.

I'm sad about this.

So far two sisters know about my plural marriage. They told me they loved me no matter what. Then in the next conversation expressed sadness even grief that I seem to have "such low self esteem" as it was put! Asked to explain, very nicely they told me that they can't think of any other rational explaination which would allow me to "share" a man instead of having one of my own. It seems a good portion of the world shares that view. It's a view that may be true for some, but I don't think it applies to me. I know their opinion comes from the way we were brought up but nonetheless it bothers me. At the same time they acknowledge that they know Hubby takes good care of me. And that I am happy.

They also see my move to this state and this family as an escape from their minds I have run away from my former life, my children and them. One sister cries tears of sorrow that she lives too far away to be any help to me.

What to do? What to say in this situation? I have not a clue, truthfully.

I continue to work on my garden, though frustrated that the dogs and cats have wrecked some havoc. Watering the garden is like therapy for me.

I continue yoga instruction. And I continue painting.

All I would like is for life to keep going and for us all to be happy with our own lives and not judge.