My Beginning Thoughts on Death From Drug Addiction

Recently a famous and heralded actor died from a heroin overdose. Several days later this news is still blaring from my television; and the internet is buzzing about it. Social media was on fire for a day or two with the usual rants. Some saying what a shame; others saying oh well another dope fiend gone. That type of thing. It sturck me how little has changed about the way people perceive drug addiction. That is the shame. Especially in a country that is known for it's so-called "war on drugs". A war that accomplished little except putting many relatively harmless people in jail for years; while leaving the real perpatrators free to roam and prey on our youth and other vunerable people.

The death from drugs of an accomplished person who had everything and more to live for, may help change attitudes. Possibly some day people will see addiction as a disease. Hopefully, one day the desparation of a heroin addcit will be seen for what it really is....Maybe, at some point hospitals, doctors, elected officials, and everyone will understand that the addict had a predisposition to a terrible, terrible disease. That when the disease took it's grip on that person, they were in need of help. Their choice, be it alcohol or heroin, or prescription drugs, may have been almost accidental.  But the choice isn't anything they can escape without medical and psychological help.

In the mean time, people will continue to die unnecesarily.. Our children, our neighbors, our friends. Some of the best and the brightest. Many just ordinary people who are loved.

Snowy Winter Blues

It's snowy and frigid here where I am making my new life. Sometimes I really miss the warm/hot climate where I lived in the plural family. Even if it got cold it never lasted long. I miss the heat. And I miss the little boy who stole my heart.

“If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever.” 

I said almost those exact words to him once. I am inside  your heart and you are inside mine. He would ask me to repeat it on occasion. I hope, I really, really hope, he remembers that. I hope they haven't contaminated his feelings for me. His brother was older by a few years and we weren't as close; his baby sister was not much more than newborn. He however was two years old and just learning to talk and do the things little boys do, when I moved there. He was and I'm sure is a sweetheart. I don't know why he loved me so, but he did, and his company kept me strong when I needed to be strong. He saved me from wallowing in my depression. He was my only joy during those days. One or two friends helped, but that little boy loved me, wrinkled and bald. And I am just so sorry I never said goodbye.

I am battling winter depression, this I know. But I think this year it's at it's worst. The weather isn't co-operating, and I'm spending a great deal of time alone and doing nothing. I'm not motivated to paint or write. I have a hard enough time starting a simple chore. I have my kids and my grandkids and my sisters; but I don't have one friend that lives nearby. No one to laugh with, have some wine and watch a stupid television show with. No one to shop with, or complain to. I babysit. That is what I do now. Then I go home or send them home, and collapse.

They are my joy now, my beautiful grandchildren. That should be enough I know. But I worry about them, for them and pray they will be fine. They love me and look forward to seeing me. They greet me with open arms and kisses. But I can't fully enjoy it because I am so worried about them. And I'm so depressed about just about everything.  I hope I will be in their hearts forever, because they will be in mine.

I wish I could snap out of this.

Maybe when the sun comes out and melts the snow.

Vanity, where are my teeth?

Did I mention my tooth loss issue? I really don't even like talking about it because it makes me feel stupid and a bunch of other things including angry.

I never liked dentists. Sorry. Just never did. But I've had extensive work done over the years. Lots of crowns and so forth. Right before I started on that journey of mine I had several root canals and crowns. I spent a ton of money. You could probably say that most of my teeth had root canals etc. And my teeth looked pretty good. This was necessary because I had been avoiding the dentist after having kids.

A year after moving across the country, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Bi-lateral breast cancer stage 2 to be precise. After a double mastectomy I had chemo, a reconstruction, and then started a therapy of after meds. That medicine it turns out is very hard on some people. Everyone, a little different.  I was avoiding the dentist again.

I started losing my teeth! Well the first one you couldn't see really. But as time went on another, then another. Turns out I wasn't losing my teeth I was losing crowns because the bone and the part of tooth that holds the crown was becoming bad. This is a rare side effect of the medication. A more common one is hair thinning. After a couple of years that happened too. :(  They say that will reverse when medication stops (I have another year and several months to go).  But back to my teeth.

After moving again I vowed to find a dentist I could tolerate. I finally did, and voila~ I am now the proud owner of dentures (uppers to be precise). Yuck. However this wasn't an easy process. It required extensive oral surgery, done in a hospital because of my lymphedema in both arms.

Yes, there are wonderful things in the world of medicine that save many lives afflicted by cancer. The down side is you will never be the same and the treatment takes its toll. The upside is you are ALIVE. So I'm not complaining here. But jeesh, my teeth? I never would have thought this would happen. It was a traumatic experience and I'm ashamed to say that it turns out I am a very vain person apparently. But I am alive. :)

To The Beach!

It's been three months since I've posted here and I miss it. I miss putting my thoughts down on virtual paper and getting insightful comments from followers and friends.

So here I am. It's almost the end of June. Still have not retrieved my things but I will when I'm ready. As Older and Wiser pointed out it's just stuff.

For the past 9 months I've lived alone in a little but nice studio apartment. Luckily for me it came furnished. It's very pleasant. The landlords live in the main part of the house but are not intrusive at all. There is even a little part of the yard that is mostly just mine. When I babysit here the kiddies like to go out there and it gives me a place for my morning coffee when weather allows. But yet, it is still just one room. Not quite a home. And at times the walls close in on me. However, after a year and a half of not having a car I managed to get one! It's in good shape and didn't cost much, which is good because it is almost 10 years old. It gets me to the grocery store and doctors appointments so I love it! It was god awful having to depend on others when I ran out of milk or bread let alone needing a whole shopping list of essentials.

Being alone is something I still have to get used to.The transition from a huge household to this is taking longer than I thought it would. The constant quiet can be unsettling and I find myself leaving the television on sometimes even when I sleep. I remember my mom doing that; and I remember her thoughts on being alone after raising 5 kids and having a husband passing. I'm sorry I didn't empathize with you more mom.

One thing I am perplexed by and will go in to in another post at some point. I have not heard from either sister wife at all. Nor any of the kids.

Summer is not only officially here but the weather is co-operating on that front. This is my time of the year. I finally have wheels! To the beach I will go on a semi-regular basis....when I can. Repeat. :)

A Town and a Nation Broken Hearted

There is nothing worse than losing a child.My parents lost a child, my infant brother. Relatives say my mother was never the same. I only knew her really after the fact and she seemed fine to me, but I'm sure they know what they were talking about. I know she was overly cautious with us at times. I don't really remember her having a sense of humor. And she never talked about it. Never. Neither did my father.

While I have been watching the news coverage of the horrific shooting in Connecticut, more than anything else I am haunted by those 20 children. Twenty little children whose lives were cut down so violently; whose last sounds and images were filled with fear. Our minds can't wrap around the enormity of the horror......and then our minds switch to the parents. The siblings. The grand-parents. The world is broken-hearted.

The unspeakable turns in to the unimaginable when I learn the children and adult victims remain in the school building over night. That their families have not seen them, did not get to hold them one last time. That mothers and fathers spent the night filled with unimaginable grief and emptiness.

The internet, facebook, I imagine twitter, and phone lines, fill up with anti-gun sentiment. Pro-gun sentiment is there as well. Mental health issues and concerns about lack of treatment land on my computer screen. It's still going on today.

I have to tell you that I remain shocked as ever by the pro-gun fanaticism. I have believed in gun control for decades. This after all isn't the first tragedy to hit my television screen. But please notice I said "control". It seems to me the pro-gun people think control is something different than I do, something sinister. Something against our constitutional rights. They don't care about statistics. Nor do they want to hear that the fanatical gun culture in the United States has given us the highest gun violence death rate of any civilized country in history. England, China, France, Australia...many more...all with death rates from guns in the low double digits per year..the United States is up in the thousands...more than 10,000 to be exact. PER YEAR.

So I don't feel any differently about guns than I ever did. You want to hunt deer? Pass a test, get screened, buy a deer hunting rifle. Same if you want to protect your home and family. But there is no reason on God's earth for any civilian to own a gun that can shoot 6 bullets per second. No reason for a gun show to sell an automatic weapon to a teenager, or anyone else that hasn't been screened. No reason for a troubled twentysomething to be able to purchase thousands of rounds of ammunition and explosives off the internet as the Aurora shooter did. No reason, quite frankly for any one other than military or law enforcement to have guns like that. Limiting access to those guns DOES NOT TAKE AWAY YOUR SECOND AMENDMENT RIGHTS. All it does is make us safer as a nation.

All it does is allow parents to confidently send their children off to school in the morning.

All it does is make sense.

We are being sent a message, but will we listen?

Dreams and Ambitions and Life

So through the generosity of a family member I have had the good fortune to be able to watch a show on HBO TV called "Newsroom". I'll be honest the first episode didn't impress me except for the wonderful performance turned in by Sam Waterson. However, I felt compelled to keep watching. There have been 5 episodes thus far, each getting better and better, but that's not why I'm writing this.

I'm mostly writing this to remind myself of a couple of dreams and ambitions I've had throughout my life that were actually good!

As a child I wasn't a stellar student. I was what was known back then in the dinosaur age as an "underachiever." Today, many underachievers are diagnosed with ADHD or ADD. I wasn't hyperactive, I just preferred to sit in class and daydream. Dreaming of the typical young girl things like being a movie star like Tuesday Weld or Elizabeth Taylor soon progressed once I reached high school age. In a private Catholic boarding school one of the nuns recognized my ability to put my thoughts down on paper. I soon became a reporter for the school newspaper and in my senior year the editor of the Literary Magazine. College and the 1960's and 70's totally sidetracked me with an enormous interest in politics and the News. And then a couple of marriages and children got in the way. During the years I was a stay at home mother, volunteerism and activism fueled my soul. I volunteered at their schools; and campaigned for the environment mostly. Occasionally, I'm not sure why, I did PR work for whatever group I was active in. Newsletters, letters to the editor and guest editorials and features.

Then an eccentric woman who started a weekly newspaper with her grown son tapped me to work for her. At first I did everything but I stunk at selling advertisements so I stuck to reporting. In the newsroom, my nickname soon became "Front Page." I covered school board meetings, local crime (the most fun I hate to admit), and local politics. I can not describe how much I felt at home in the newsroom. I owe a lot to my now deceased mentor. To make a long story a little shorter, I wound up working for a Pol in PR and Press relations. I daydreamed occasionally that I worked for one of the TV stations I dealt with writing news. Though that never happened, it wasn't a bad ambition to have. It kept me focused on what was important to write and occasionally spin.

Life can get in the way of our ambitions. I've often thought I never reached my potential because I have always been an "underachiever." But I think my point today is that I didn't do so poorly...I worked in a field I loved. As I watch the show, Newsroom, my pulse beats a little faster; a smile comes over my face even though serious topics are being discussed.

I come to life for that brief hour. For that time I am not worried about finances; nor am I torn between polygamy and my life with my biological family. I am not sad and I'm not lonely. I have no regret. It's my Calgon moment. It's wonderful!

Writing and Painting

I used to think I couldn't paint...well I can't lol very well...but it is the hobby I took up when I moved to Hubby's part of the world, as a way of meeting people etc. I believe Hidden Sage first suggested it. I met this group of women roughly my age who while I didn't have a hell of a lot in common with them, I liked them. Of course, the friendships only went so far as I didn't feel I could share my lifestyle choice with them, but in a way I miss them. And I missed the painting so I've begun to pick it up again, it relaxes me. It has taken the place of my writing for the most part. Writing is more disciplined and exact, and my concentration isn't great at the moment.

I admire those who can just sit down and write. I need either inspiration or an assignment...and I have neither right now. This blog has taken the place of a journal. Unfortunately, it's not daily. I think it would be even more boring to people than it is now, if I were to start blogging every single day. So...where is my notebook? lol

An Update of Sorts

I haven't posted in almost a month because honestly, I don't have much news. Things are the same. The new doctor was nice enough and I have no bad news to report from tests and such. Thanks for asking though BC.

Well, ok, there is something that is irking me. Hubby's youngest son is getting married. It's not the marriage that is irking me, although I am one of those people who believes in folks waiting until their life is on track before taking that leap. He and his fiance are young. Too young in my opinion but they've been together through high school and initially were going to wait even longer (he's only 19 and she's just about 18) but they have their parents blessing. So what irks me is they are getting married on hubby and my anniversary! Not their fault. Hubby and the sister wives forgot. Then the plan was made and there was no turning back. Honestly, I don't know how they could have forgotten because anniversaries were always a big deal in our house. Perhaps they just didn't think I would care. In any event, it irks me.

I don't think I've ever mentioned this but this young couple, again with both sets of parents agreeing, are living in my room at the moment, until they get a place of their own which could be god only knows when. Now what bothers me about this besides the obvious things, is that supposedly (and I hope so) my "things" were packed up and put away safely. I guess I'm feeling frustrated at the moment. I just hope and pray that my personal belongings aren't "lost" in a storage shed somewhere. Or worse, still in the room being used by everyone, or should I say "broken." A trip down there isn't feasible at the moment I'm sorry to say.

To add icing to this "delightful" cake, my family here has turned against hubby and the whole plural marriage thing. I think another fall out from my illness has been that my family, kids, sisters, etc. wants me to be near them more than they did. When I first moved across the country for a new life, though skeptical about polygamy (once they knew about it), they were at least glad for me that I felt I had found happiness. It was hard not to notice at the time how changed for the better I was after meeting hubby. Someone commented once that it was as if I had come back to life. I looked younger, happier, prettier, and was definitely more actively engaged in the world at large instead of just my "career."

Anyway, that's it for today. I will try to post more frequently.

Politically Speaking This Is Me

Politically I guess you would say I'm a liberal Democrat...to some that would seem a contradiction to plural marriage. To me it makes sense.

Political conservatives (and most Republicans) are not in my humble opinion socially inclusive. Most don't believe gays should marry, or adopt, or in some cases even exist. Polygamy? Plural marriage? Alternative life styles are not their cup of tea. Which brings up the Tea Party Republicans who I don't quite understand at all.

Liberals and I venture to say most Democrats and some Libertarians are broad minded enough to be able to embrace folks who live differently than the mainstream.

And then there are the poor among us. The Bible is full of passages in both the New and Old Testament about our obligation to take care of the poor and disadvantaged. Those I would identify in that category would be the unemployed, the disabled, the elderly, young children and others who are homeless. And yet many among us particularly those who wish to be in "power" in our country, seek to eliminate "entitlements" they consider not to be of their concern..like unemployment benefits, medicare, social security, medicaid, etc. etc. Oh they seem to say, we have millions of folks without healthcare? Oh well, not my fault they are lazy.

The irony of the Evangelical Christian Right is not lost. Someone posted this quote from Stephen Colbert on my facebook page and it made me sit up...

“If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.”

You don't have to be a "Christian" to see the truth in that. Most religions have as a tenant to help the poor.

Yet every time a politician wants to do something to forward the poor and unfortunately now, what used to be the middle class, he or she is beaten back by a stick wielded by a political conservative. Thus, I simply cannot relate to those who identify themselves as such.

Of course I would like to see a balanced budget and lower taxes. All though I will never understand why the rich don't pay more. Of course I want our country to fight terrorism. Yes, of course I would like to see your business prosper and our citizens safe. Yes, I am conflicted about the undocumented residents harbored inside our borders, I am after all the grandchild of immigrants, but I also recognize the problems. And of course I would like to stop the flow of drugs in to our country. Being liberal doesn't equate to being stupid or un-American or even a socialist.

You may disagree with me of course, as is your privilege, and I will like you anyway, as is my way. I just wanted to open a window for you to see who I am.

Christmas and New Years

I've always had a hot and cold relationship with the Holidays. As a child I used to throw up every Christmas Eve...I guess the excitement. As a teenager and college student New Year's Eve was always a time of angst for me. I wasn't allowed to go out with friends or even to a house party. I was expected to stay home with the family. We had a party at home and it wasn't all misery but it usually had me either embarrassed or angry or resentful. My parent's home always looked so beautiful for Christmas. I always found it odd that once we all moved and especially after my Dad passed, she didn't fuss about Christmas at all.

As an adult, and a parent Christmas was a huge amount of work, but fun non-the-less. A shopper I'm not. Shopping to me is a headache, a chore tolerated for the children's sake. I did always enjoy decorating the tree and collected ornaments that hold a great deal of sentimental value. All of them are at hubby's house. I love driving around and looking at all the outdoor decorations. Always sad when their time is up and the outdoors goes back to looking bleak.

In my plural family, hubby makes a huge deal over Christmas, decorating to the nines, shopping, cooking, the works. I have to admit he does a great job. We all help where we can but he's definitely in charge of it. I always found that to be somewhat of a relief, no pressure put on me to make the perfect Christmas. The only challenge was getting used to new traditions and trying to blend my taste with my sister wive's tastes.

Here where I am, I'm just Grandma. Not in charge of anything and that's ok. Not great but ok. I have a little fake tree that I bought some cheap ornaments for, and my sister will make a nice Christmas for all of us I'm sure. New Year's Eve I will probably be alone or with one of my boys. Very low key.

I'm beginning to understand my mother more and more. I miss her.

In case I don't blog before the holiday gets here, I hope you all have a good one filled with love.

Sons

Well, if you don't already know, I moved from Hubby's home more than 1600 miles to my sister's home to be closer to my kids, particularly the youngest who is ill, needs my help and who has given me the most amazing grandchildren.

My boys (young men) and I are pretty close considering their gender. However, it's not the same as the daughter/mother thing I see with my sisters who have daughters. So although I am the babysitter on call at any moment, and although my first born moved here as well, I still spend a great deal of time alone. It's frustrating at times. Not to mention that because of his illness, and because of his "marriage" he truly does need me to help him with some things...but he is resisting, based on the fact that he is an "adult."

I was both mother and father to them growing up as they aren't close to their dad at all. I feel badly about that. I see how close Hubby's sons are to him, and how much they enjoy each other's company and realize my kids have never had that with their dad.

I was the one who drove them to soccer practice, attended all their games, took them to their first major league baseball games, and listened to their woes about girls. But I don't think it's the same as having a dad do those kind of things. Their father took them camping, fishing and snowmobiling..he tried. Oddly though these aren't things they do as adults.

Anyway, sons are just different than daughters and sometimes I feel as though I'm in the way. They really don't seem to notice that mom is sitting in front of the tv for 3 days and at this point in their lives I'm not all that much fun, I guess. They have their lives to live. I never want to be the mother that meddles or inserts herself into things that aren't her business.

Am I feeling wistful and a little lonely? Yes. Do I want to have a pity party? No. It just is what it is.

None of this was forefront in my mind when I was caught up in falling in love, moving and changing my whole life. Which only makes me feel badly that I wasn't there for them for a few years. It also makes me miss the chaos that is back in Hubby's home. But notice, if you will, that I said Hubby's home.

Wake Up Thoughts

When I was at my worst phases of insomnia (hard to say, probably during menopause), I would lie awake most of the night unable to turn the "movie" off in my head. Those thoughts that keep going around and around inside your head - replays of the day; little aggravating thoughts about all kinds of things, not always so little; serious thoughts about finances, children, relationships - of course you know what I'm talking about. Those thoughts turn the hands on the clock from midnight to 4 am very quickly and can be quite troublesome. But I think I have topped them with my WAKE UP thoughts.

I'm not sure when these wake up thoughts first became problematic. All I know is they can be quite unsettling. These thoughts don't appear every morning and there is no way to prepare for them or to stop them.

Occasionally they are little sad thoughts. When hubby and I lived so very many miles away from each other, sometimes toward the middle of the time between our visits I would sometimes wake up and just as my eyes were opening, I would think of him and think "I miss him." Almost out loud.

When I was recuperating from my mastectomy, I would wake up angry! The thought - I'm so ANGRY- would literally form on my lips. It seems anger is a recurring theme in my "wake up thoughts." It can be about anything. It sometimes used to be about #2 and her possessiveness. Other times angry thoughts would emerge at dawn about something hubby had said or done that I found particularly upsetting. Occasionally, the thought would be about something sad, annoying, or almost trivial. Whatever the thoughts are about they have an urgency. They rouse me when usually I am difficult to awake.

The other day, I woke up and as clear as a bell my first thoughts were how I missed the 5 year old grandson I left behind. For some reason this startled me. I think I know why I had that wake up thought. That little boy was a constant source of affection for me. He hugged and hugged me, especially when no one else did. The human touch is so necessary. It is the sugar of life. When my father died for years I recall my mother saying: "I just want someone to touch me." This was disturbing to me because I know I hugged her on occasion, or took her arm crossing the street and so forth. I used to have a problem with being touched. I have an instinct to pull away. But that little boys hugs were more than welcome. They were the medicine I needed. And now I miss them.

Happiness, Is it the Key to Life?

How true how true! It's just common sense isn't it? Or maybe John Lennon's mother was just very wise. I think she was on to something. How to obtain happiness is the question.

Steve Jobs told everyone to "love what you do" or words to that effect. Love what you do for a living. Love your lifestyle choices. Love your home; love a hobby; etc. etc.

Love and happiness should go together like peanut butter and jelly in my humble opinion. Find someone to love who makes you happy...at least as happy as you allow yourself to be. Ahhh...that can be a problem for some people I think.

I seem to fall in love with men who have a difficult time being happy. Perhaps they feel they don't deserve to be happy. They have a hard time feeling comfortable with happy. Just my observation but I think I'm correct about this. What about this trait makes them attractive to me, or am I attracted in spite of their lack of overall happiness? Unfortunately, it's a trait that becomes annoying. In hubby's case, I have always tried to brush his "unhappy" off; or tried to replace it with "happy." Sometimes I was successful.

Anyway, happiness for me comes and goes. I'm happy about certain things but not everything, and in my mind not enough things. But there are things that definitely make my heart sing. All of my grandchildren for instance. Summer is a big source of "happy" for me. The ocean. Holy cannoli, bring me to the ocean and everything changes for the better...my allergies disappear; I smile, a lot; life feels better in general. Good food. Being near my children. Travelling to fun and/or relaxing places. A good book or movie. Finishing a painting. Writing something I'm satisfied with. A man who loves me including and in spite of my numerous faults.