Monday, September 29, 2008

Missing things...a trip

I miss my kids. I miss my old friends. And I even miss parts of my old single life, especially my solitude in the morning. All of that is normal. I've only actually lived in my new home for 5 months.

Being a step parent is rewarding on the one hand but not the same at all as being a parent. I don't care how much you love them, like them or they you.

I've known these new kids of mine for quite a while. I'm not new to them, I'm just new to their home. Parenting is such a difficult issue. Such a difficult job. I'm not so sure I did such a great job with my own birth children to be honest. They are good people. So in that I was successful. Their love lives are a mess, which I blame on their not having a good model growing up. They have soft hearts. They aren't greedy or spoiled, not now anyway. But I'm sure growing up they had some excess material possessions even though we tried not to overdo it. I wasn't a great disciplinarian but I wasn't totally easy either. They got grounded, privileges taken away when necessary. Sent to their rooms and spanked on occasion. I don't believe in corporal punishment but it happens especially when a young child does something dangerous in disobedience.

In this house I live in, I had no input into how the kids were raised. It's an odd feeling. I think because of this, their is a lack of connection. So when one of the teenage boys said recently that he would take care of any of his moms if we were sick, I felt good about that.

It's a different thing, this non birth mother love especially when it's so new. It's like a friendship and yet it's not. It's like a mom feeling and yet it's not. For some reason Hubby calls on me to support him in his discipline of his kids. The other two moms not as much. It's something about one of them being too easy and the other one being too stern. It's not a great position to be in but in a way it has helped blend us faster than not.

I'm going to see my kid and some other family for 7 nights! It makes me both happy and sad. I miss my kids...I said that before. But I will miss these kids here too and really, really miss the grandkids.

I will miss Hubby. I will talk to him several times a day I"m sure and I will talk to #1 once a day or two. Last time I was gone, I didn't really talk to #2 and don't expect to this time. Yesterday I felt close to her as if our friendship and sister feelings were finally happening. Tonight, I just want to grrrrrr...nothing big, just very very annoyed. I wonder if we will ever adjust to each other completely.

I was hoping that because I'm going to be away for 6 nights and they each were getting an extra night during that time, that one of them would have thought to offer me tomorrow and the next (my last night home)...nope, not. Sigh. Hubby says I wouldn't either but I would like to think I would. He says the jealousies between me and #2 would never allow it. I would like to think that I wouldn't let that stop me from being a generous, good person.

But, I miss my kids and I'm going to get to see at least one of them and I'm not going to let negativity spoil the happy feeling I have inside :) And I will miss my family here, the toddler hugs and kisses, the highschooler with the new girlfriend, the not having to cook except when hubby doesn't, lots of things...... but I'll be coming back very soon.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

It's Been A Year of blessings mostly

It's been a year since I joined this family as the third wife. And what a year it's been! I willingly admit it hasn't always been easy or happy. But it's been an adventure, a satisfying one. Hubby tries very, very hard to make this a united and happy family. He is most tolerant and takes on much of the emotional burden and every day stress for all of us. This can leave us worried about him, his physical and mental health, as stress can be unhealthy.

I think we have a good marriage. We have two marriages, no we have ten marriages in total if you think about it. There is the marriage of two people (three of those) and then the marriage in total, giving each wife two marriages and hubby four. Wow. If you think about it that way, no wonder it's difficult at times. Think of how difficult just one marriage can be. I was in two monogamous marriages (well officially monogamous) before and believe me, it wasn't always easy.

But don't get me wrong here. It's also very enjoyable at times. During this year I moved in. That was an exciting time! I got to know two women much better than I had before. That wasn't always easy. I got in return for my efforts, three step children, a daughter - in - law and two step grandchildren. All of that in addition to my own brood of two plus a new grandchild. So my family has gotten much, much larger. I now get daily hugs and kisses from people of all ages!!

I am grateful in a way that isn't always tangible. I complain, I whine, I lament about compromise, sharing, noise, messiness, and lack of privacy. A recent anonymous poster commented on 3rd's blog that they are amazed at how plural women act as though they are shocked/surprised at their lot in life, or words to that affect. Well, yes duh. So what? To be honest here, there is no way one could prepare for all this unless they were born in to polygamy, and I wasn't. Would I choose this lifestyle for one of my children? I've been asked that question and the answer is probably not. Just as I wouldn't choose for one of my children to be "gay". But not because I disapprove of it, it is because it isn't for everyone and isn't the easiest path in life.

Am I always miserable and unhappy, hell no! I have a kind, considerate, and sometimes very romantic husband and a wonderful extended family. I have everything I need in life...well I could use more privacy, but nothing is absolutely perfect now is it?

Life is good. It beats the alternative and it's better than before.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

If a man needs 3 wives to get to the celestial kingdom, is that the right number?

How many wives should it take to make a man content and happy? I'm not a mormon and neither is anyone in our family, but it is a discussion we have occasionally. Hubby thinks 4 but then he'll turn around and agree that he couldn't handle a 4th lol. I think my question is really, why would a man even think about more wives? Hell, I wouldn't if I were a man.

Women are complicated people. Cliche as it sounds, men are from mars women are from venus. It takes practice understanding each other. It takes work keeping each other happy. Thus a husband with many wives has much to do.

I sometimes think Hubby could use a break. It's not just about sex this happiness thing either. 3rd lady touched on it in her blog recently. It's little things. Personalities. Emotional things. Time, togetherness. It's a demanding job.

#2 for all her faults believes in the marriage as a whole. She's probably right. And religious polygamists would surely agree with her most likely. Like tonight she wanted to have a night where all of us did something together. Unfortunately it's difficult to force that, and oops I fell asleep during the movie we were all watching!

I've heard people say that someday it will all come together and blend and we will find a rythmn to our collective marriage. Hopefully so. lol but each time a wife is added the rythmn becomes interrupted and the balance gets thrown off. So why continue to add?

Then there is the financial aspect. The time aspect, that damned calendar!

If you want my opinion and shush don't spread this around, two is the ideal number. Managable and not over done so to speak. But I"m a 3rd so I should just keep quiet on that one. The third, according to hubby and the rest of the family is supposed to create the balance emotionally. Lessen the burden on hubby to a degree. I sure hope I do that. But in my efforts to do that I find myself feeling edgy, sort of needing hugs a lot.

OUr 16 year old calls me the "cool" one. Not his Mom Mom, nor his #2 mom, just his new mom. Somehow he likes that. The oldest doesn't really like all these moms around I sense. He doesn't say it, but I think he is a born monogomist and will always be.

I think a 4th is too much to ask of the kids at this point. Perhaps if they were younger it would be different.

Anyway, I'm rambling ~ it's something I do when my mind bubbles with thoughts.

I put a poll up on the subject.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Yesterday everyday

Yesterday was my birthday!

I have found celebrations in plural marriage to be somewhat complicated emotionally and logistically, but was pleasantly surprised yesterday.

NO ONE is better at birthdays than hubby. I would challenge anyone.
First, he let me sleep. The night before he came into my room very late to ask what my favorite meal was. I don't have one and he knows this but thought perhaps he had just missed it. lol...
I knew we didn't have the money to go out, so I told him to just make anything he thought I would like.
Then, after I awoke, he wouldn't let me tidy up as I usually do and even made a point of leaving me alone to write without interruption.

Near dinner, he made me a romantic, aromatic whirlpool bath complete with candles and soothing music.

Dinner was delicious as always and he went out of his way to try a couple of new dishes to make the dinner special. Also baked me a cake!

After dinner, hubby feeling disappointed that we didn't go to Mexico for my birthday as we had for the past few years, made some margarittas and sat outside with me for a couple of hours just enjoying the coolish evening.

Then, instead of 3 or 4 am, he came to bed early.

It was a lovely day.
It was the first day since coming here to live in April, that I have felt special and as close to him as I did during our courtship.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Funny in a Plural Marriage Kind of way

So I have mentioned before that all three wives here have agreed and told Hubby that 3 is enough! There just aren't enough days in the week to divide him anymore, even though we all live under one roof and see him everyday. We agree, he teases about it, then he'll say he's just kidding etc. But I do feel badly sometimes because I know he would like another child and I can't give him one.

Last night was my night and we went to bed very, very late in the wee hours of the morning. At about 7:30 am Hubby woke and said he would be right back. At about 9:30 #2 opened my door and said we had surprise company, a cousin that just moved back here, and hubby was visiting with her. Well, to be honest I didn't know if she (the cousin) knew or not about our lifestyle so I decided to stay in my room. During that time, #1 called from work to say that someone needed to pick up the 16 yr old from school because he was sick. Hubby said well I can't because I'm busy interviewing #4 for the job and she wants to talk to you. Cousin got on the phone in the sexiest voice she could muster and said hello I'm looking forward to meeting you tonight what time will you be home? #1 replied, late, very LATE. Then of course Hubby grabbed the phone and told her who it was LOL.

As #1 said, funny in a plural marriage kind of way. We all had a good laugh though.

And laughs have been hard to come by for me lately.

Today is #2's day off and luckily for her, her day with Hubby. Yes, she considers the whole day to be her day even though we live under one roof and I'm retired. She's weird that way, it stems from before I got here and she would have a week day off that #1 didn't have so she would have him all to herself from morning through night. Then I move here and I'm retired, hubby works from home, and she thinks I have all this "spare" private time with him. Not taking into consideration the kids, the kids friends, the grandkids I babysit etc. So on her day, the grandkids don't come over, she dresses all pretty and sits around, not doing housework until a day comes that's not "hers" and she is off. This puts me in an unfunny frame of mind lol. Consequently the day starting off with a joke was a nice thing :)

I don't know whether I'm just naturally selfish or just a cranky person but living like this under one roof does get in my craw at time. I am starting to think though that some spirituality might help me cope.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Right before moving story continued

This post I made on a different site that concentrated on the decision and my may find it interesting and hopefully it explains more background and contains some things I have learned up till now :)

3 days till D day
Mar 18, 2008
It's Tuesday. Friday all that I have weeded through and left to be moved across the country, will be picked up. So here I sit. In the middle of several piles, stagnate and trying to push myself. This is driving hubby crazy. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry he and #2 think it represents a hesitance on my part, because that just isn't so. I've made decisions..something I truly dislike doing. Saturday I will drive to RI bringing along some of my youngest son's things he left behind here. I will drop off my car so that it will be there for me when I return to RI when the baby is born. ~ I need something to find an internet cafe with I will also either give him the car or sell it up there. Ok so that decision isn't quite made. I will return to NY to pick up my last paycheck, and fly out from here, on the 27 or 28th. And I am EXCITED and joyful and sad all at once. Is it possible that men can't multi-task emotions ? I am ready to meet the challenges head on. Thank goodness for a level headed First wife! And for kids who seem to genuinely be happy I am arriving! And for a husband who is trying very hard to make me happy! And for a 2nd wife I can disagree with. I'm feeling a Serenity prayer coming on lol.. Speaking of #2, she asked for the phone the other night when she heard hubby say he was unhappy with my indecision, my seemng to him to be some hesitance etc etc... Oh man, I didn't like that. I'm sorry to all of you that love the bible but please don't quote it to me when it comes to relationships. Is that harsh of me? Maybe, but heck I can't be easy going and tolerant 24/7 lol. This is so difficult this move. I've learned things about friendships that are both good and bad. I've learned that you really can't depend on anyone else but yourself. I've learned that I am a horder..honest I didn't know that about myself. And I'm feeling my age in ways I can't describe. I am longing to be like one of Fen's young girls. Ready, willing and playful. And so desired that I can do no wrong. On the other hand I am learning that I am resilient more than I had thought. That I have a family larger than I had thought. And that I am vital to my larger family. That I can do this! I don't even think that the jealousy thing is going to be as difficult as I originally thought. Something seems to happen inside polygamy that transcends it. Oh it will be there I'm sure. But it may even become laughable. You take three women, all with different, VERY DIFFERENT, relationships with one man and for some unknown reason I THINK what happens is you start to enjoy the complexity of the man and his abilities. Is that possible really? Yes I think so. At any rate, here it is 3 days till D day and I'm on the computer. Some things never change. Procrastination is genetic I think and I am passing it on to the next generation. But am I sad about that. Not really. We are none of us perfect, and it is a far cry better than passing on psychosis. I see in my boys, hearts big as the ocean. I hope I had something to do with that. So my friends, I'm not sure I will be adding another blog post until I am settled in but ya never know!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Sometimes my jealousies run petty

Sigh. This is hard to explain without sounding like a whining, foolish, and bitchy person. I have more or less gotten over the sexual jealousy part of plural marriage...I have. I think mostly because Hubby makes it easy.

Sexual jealousy is natural in my opinion. But eventually it passes. I had alot of time to get used to it, so that helped. In the beginning when I first started sleeping here during visits from back home, I would take a xanax before bedtime. I was sleeping alone because we didn't want the kids to get confused or feel awkward that we weren't married. So once for instance I visited for 10 days! By the end of the first 5 days I honestly had gotten over it. More or less.

No my dear blog friends, my jealousies tend to be more practical in nature, or more about affections (like the hair thing or back rubs), or they are about things I can't even explain. Then, when it comes right down to it, my jealousies can be petty and selfish. I'll admit it right here.

I've been living here for several months but during that time finances have been rough. Most of our combined incomes has gone for moving me here, #2's trip to her parent's 50th wedding anniversary out of state with Hubby and the oldest boy, and for bills, just bills. To be blunt it has stunk. So none of us has gone out much. #2 for her birthday alone with Hubby; all of us on occasional shopping trips for necessities; me once for a very very nice lunch - not fast food lol. We each have 2 nights with hubby every week with one person getting the extra in turn. Usually those evenings are spent either watching a movie or swimming in the backyard pool with everyone invited, or just talking or being in front of the computer together.

Last night, Hubby and I had been doing some reminescing about our past travels. We needed to go to Walmart for a couple of necessities. Out of the blue he said, "well I think you need to get out of the house. How about before Walmart we stop at a tavern and I'll teach you how to play pool like you have asked?" I said really, can we afford it? He responded that a beer or two and a couple of games of pool wouldn't break the bank. So we went. Leaving the house at 10 pm and returning by 12:30 I believe. Not long really, but it was so good to get out.

We also share an avid interest in politics, Hubby and I. We watched the Democratic Convention last week together for the most part with whichever other wife's night it was. So today I said, we have to remember to catch Sarah Palin's speech tonight. His response?

You can I'm taking #2 out.

I said really? Why? And she can watch too, it will only be for a short while. He said, I took you out last night. OK I get it. But petty as it is, I was hoping our hour and a half playing pool was special. sigh. Petty jealousy go away!!

See it turns out that while I was busy doing something else today and #2 was home on her day off she asked several times to be "taken out" the way I was last night, ok fair I suppose. Since we don't go out often Hubby just drove to the same place, same pool table and poor thing made sure he was home in the same amount of time. All of this put him in a grumpy mood over all tonight and I resent that. I truly feel badly that she is so insecure in their 16 year marriage, but I can't help but feel that petty jealous thing creep up on me. I just would like to be "special" in some way because I'm new. I want to feel in love with this man without worrying about "getting more attention" or any of that. It's not plural marriage I'm doubting, I'm doubting if I'm able to do it well.