Thursday, July 28, 2011


When I was young I had a hard enough time picturing myself as a mother let alone a grandmother but now here I am, the proud grandma to 6+. I have 3 grown grandkids that I was never that close to. Three "step" grandkids here and three back home. All of those last six are quite young. Notice I put the word step in quotations. Fact is they feel biological to me. I love all my grandchildren to death. They are awesome.

Out of necessity I am going back home for a while. The truth is, on top of all the other matters I am dealing with - the frustrations, disappointment, and so forth, I also feel it's necessary for me to get to know my biological grandchildren much better than I do. I feel a certain amount of guilt for showering so much love and attention on the children here, and so much less of all that on my "own." Is that normal? I think it is. I've practically raised the last two here. I diaper, feed, comfort and take to school. I play, spoil and in general enjoy their company and they mine. It's become almost 24/7 but that is another story for another day. All I know is I don't want them to think I'm leaving them forever. I want, no matter what to be some part of their lives. I feel very close to them, even though I am not related to them in the strictest sense of the word. And I certainly didn't raise their parents.

This has depressed me lately. The feeling I may be forgotten by them. At the same time I yearn to be this close to the other grandchildren.

One would think by this ripe old age things would be worked out and smooth sailing.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Off Course

Wow seems I'm posting a lot! There is just so much on my mind.
I feel like I've failed here. I feel as though no one here likes me, let alone loves me, except for the small children. Look, truth be told, I'm a pretty opinionated person, always have been. I've tried to keep it under check because folks here don't like opinionated people it seems. I'm from New York, New Yorkers tend to speak their mind. For thirty years I lived with a man who tried to suppress me, then I met this man and he seemed to like everything about me....well his family doesn't and his family is very important to him as it should be. I have been thinking of all of them as my family also but there is a great deal of truth to the old axiom "blood is thicker than water." None of my blood is involved in this family. Even #2 is the mother of the wife of hubby's oldest son. Ouch! Have I ever mentioned that before? Well it's true. Everyone here has a place, I'm the misfit. This is no one's fault. It just is. I am easily disposed of, not that anyone has tried to dispose of me god forbid, but it's an underlying truth.
I'm not sure why I'm feeling so negative, I think perhaps it's because I went through something that required me to be loved unconditionally and I wasn't. That's it.
Then honestly there is the fact that I didn't raise these grown-up children and I don't understand them anymore than they understand me. I don't feel respected by them.
Gosh, this post has gone way off course, sort of like my life. I'm just very, very sad that I'm leaving and I want them to want me to return. I want someone to show in someway that I will be missed. Someone just the other day asked me if hubby was spending more time with me than normal because I'm going away...I was puzzled. What do you mean I asked. The response was you know, has he said to the other wives, #3 and I need some extra time in the next few weeks, to do things together to cement our bond....WOW. What a concept! The answer..NOPE. And there doesn't seem to be any intention to do that. I casually mentioned this conversation to Hubby just now and he got that puzzled look he gets...and said, we spend every day in the office together. Um so does #2 so do all the that's not what I meant Hubby dear. And, just as when I was lying in bed suffering from my bi-lateral mastectomy and chemo, no special consideration was given then, none will be given now. That my friends is the crux of the problem. It's every woman for herself here.

Sunday, July 17, 2011


In less than a month I'll be flying back to where I came from, sort of. I'm no where near packed and thinking about it consumes me. What to pack, how much to pack, how to pack, to ship or carry. Sigh. Would be easier if I didn't have such a heavy heart.
Hubby and I have been fighting off and on and it's very discouraging. I truly don't know what to do. I'm worried about so many things. How will I be able to afford to live up there for one thing. How will they manage down here for another. I'm hoping the separation will allow them to miss me, appreciate me. But then again, I'm very doubtful of that. It's sad.
In the best of all worlds I would divide my time between families. LOL that makes me laugh. It sounds so weird that I should have to think about that. The truth is, I've given myself to this plural family for over three years in person and for five years prior to that I did what I could for them. My "blood" family needs me at this time and I am starting to resent being made to feel guilty about that. I mean wouldn't you think if they wanted me to return here whole-heartedly that they would give me their blessings and all that? Shouldn't they be helping me with my torn feelings instead of saying things like "you'll probably never come back"? I'm not sure what I would do in their shoes but I can't see where they really want me here either. I'm the first to admit I'm not the fun gal I once was :(
Anyway, I've started the process of throwing away and packing and it's really hard on me.