Snowy Winter Blues

It's snowy and frigid here where I am making my new life. Sometimes I really miss the warm/hot climate where I lived in the plural family. Even if it got cold it never lasted long. I miss the heat. And I miss the little boy who stole my heart.

“If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever.” 

I said almost those exact words to him once. I am inside  your heart and you are inside mine. He would ask me to repeat it on occasion. I hope, I really, really hope, he remembers that. I hope they haven't contaminated his feelings for me. His brother was older by a few years and we weren't as close; his baby sister was not much more than newborn. He however was two years old and just learning to talk and do the things little boys do, when I moved there. He was and I'm sure is a sweetheart. I don't know why he loved me so, but he did, and his company kept me strong when I needed to be strong. He saved me from wallowing in my depression. He was my only joy during those days. One or two friends helped, but that little boy loved me, wrinkled and bald. And I am just so sorry I never said goodbye.

I am battling winter depression, this I know. But I think this year it's at it's worst. The weather isn't co-operating, and I'm spending a great deal of time alone and doing nothing. I'm not motivated to paint or write. I have a hard enough time starting a simple chore. I have my kids and my grandkids and my sisters; but I don't have one friend that lives nearby. No one to laugh with, have some wine and watch a stupid television show with. No one to shop with, or complain to. I babysit. That is what I do now. Then I go home or send them home, and collapse.

They are my joy now, my beautiful grandchildren. That should be enough I know. But I worry about them, for them and pray they will be fine. They love me and look forward to seeing me. They greet me with open arms and kisses. But I can't fully enjoy it because I am so worried about them. And I'm so depressed about just about everything.  I hope I will be in their hearts forever, because they will be in mine.

I wish I could snap out of this.

Maybe when the sun comes out and melts the snow.

Vanity, where are my teeth?

Did I mention my tooth loss issue? I really don't even like talking about it because it makes me feel stupid and a bunch of other things including angry.

I never liked dentists. Sorry. Just never did. But I've had extensive work done over the years. Lots of crowns and so forth. Right before I started on that journey of mine I had several root canals and crowns. I spent a ton of money. You could probably say that most of my teeth had root canals etc. And my teeth looked pretty good. This was necessary because I had been avoiding the dentist after having kids.

A year after moving across the country, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Bi-lateral breast cancer stage 2 to be precise. After a double mastectomy I had chemo, a reconstruction, and then started a therapy of after meds. That medicine it turns out is very hard on some people. Everyone, a little different.  I was avoiding the dentist again.

I started losing my teeth! Well the first one you couldn't see really. But as time went on another, then another. Turns out I wasn't losing my teeth I was losing crowns because the bone and the part of tooth that holds the crown was becoming bad. This is a rare side effect of the medication. A more common one is hair thinning. After a couple of years that happened too. :(  They say that will reverse when medication stops (I have another year and several months to go).  But back to my teeth.

After moving again I vowed to find a dentist I could tolerate. I finally did, and voila~ I am now the proud owner of dentures (uppers to be precise). Yuck. However this wasn't an easy process. It required extensive oral surgery, done in a hospital because of my lymphedema in both arms.

Yes, there are wonderful things in the world of medicine that save many lives afflicted by cancer. The down side is you will never be the same and the treatment takes its toll. The upside is you are ALIVE. So I'm not complaining here. But jeesh, my teeth? I never would have thought this would happen. It was a traumatic experience and I'm ashamed to say that it turns out I am a very vain person apparently. But I am alive. :)

Dream Ended

My journey in plural marriage is done. Foolishly I thought being away would perhaps spark the old feelings and rescue what was left of my part in the marriage...I was wrong.

The youngest boy kept me there...actually, I do believe he kept me alive during the worst of fighting breast cancer and during the worst of the marriage. I had known him since he was barely two years old and I could see my influence on him. Unlike his father and older brother, he is a social being. Dropping him off or picking him up from preschool was a joy. But I digress. Truth is, the youngest grandson in that house, also aided me in my decision to never return. I don't want to hurt him or his siblings by coming and going and coming and going. I hope someday someone will explain that to them.

I feel relief. Sadness. Frustration. Some Anger, mostly at myself. I was surprised there has been no grieving on my part for relationships lost, a marriage gone. Then I realized that I had grieved for that long ago. I have never experienced as much heartbreak as I felt when I was there. I'm a person that cherishes alone time, but I grew to feeling so alone. More than being alone, I was always even in the midst of all the many people who were in and out of that house ... just alone.

There will be no contact with what had become my other family. No phone calls, emails, Christmas cards. I am sorry for any hurt I have caused. So sorry that the dream ended. The hopes I had for a new, better life; for love and happiness and fun have been gone for quite a while. Truth is only the young children missed me all this time I've been gone. I try to remember the good times, but it's a stretch because they are long ago. Unfortunately they are replaced by memories of deception and pain, as though I had been emotionally raped and stripped of everything I ever held dear; especially a lifetime of working on my self-esteem. Financially I have gone from sailing on a ship to far away places to being strapped and stressed beyond my wildest dreams.

So, while I may not disapprove of the plural lifestyle, for me the journey has ended. the dream has vanished. And I am, I hope, alone in a good way.

depression

I didn't realize how long it had been since I last posted. No excuses, I just haven't felt like it. This journey .... I don't know what to say anymore frankly. To be even more brutally honest, my depression seems to have overwhelmed me.

I've suffered from depression on and off for most of my adult life, or so it seems. Throughout my 20s, 30s and even 40s, I managed to control it by myself. I used to just chase it away when it would pop up. Plus, children, especially when they are young, have a way of helping you smile and laugh, and laughter truly is good medicine. I practiced yoga on and off for years; and I always had a large circle of friends. I was busy. If I woke up sad, I learned to brush it off. Unfortunately I think what happens when you are busy trying to keep your sanity is that you neglect other things; make bad decisions; clumsy mistakes; and sometimes let anger take over emotions. There were even times when I had such terrible anxiety that my nerves literally would get the best of me. Eventually, at one difficult time I sought help from a doctor and started taking anti-depression and anxiety medications.

Today I woke up confused. Is this sadness? Anger? Just a funk? Medication doesn't always work...better decision making helps just as much even more sometimes. Decision making has always and continues to be my worst character flaw I think. Two hours after waking up, I just sunk in to despair. All I could think of was how I had ruined my life, my kids lives, probably all three of the husbands I've had, and god knows who else's lives. Remorse and guilt swept over me like huge waves crashing on the beach. After about ten minutes of self-pity I stood up and took some deep breaths. I'll get over this just as I always have. I will hug my grand-babies and smile because that is what I do. I will accept, eventually, that a loving, happy relationship is just not meant to be. I will not let heartbreak and guilt overcome the rest of my life.

I finally understand how my mother (now deceased) felt years after my dad passed away. More than once she would say, "I just need to touch someone and have them touch me." I was so busy at the time being touched (hugged, grabbed, tickled, kissed, patted, etc)by my young children and husband that I didn't empathize at all....Ma, I am so sorry.

Good news and conflicts I think about constantly

Some good news...I am painting again. Completed two new paintings and gave them away. I wasn't very thrilled about them because they were in a new medium for me, acrylics, but the people I gave them to liked them so voila, instant gift! D asked to see some of my work, as soon as I can figure that out I will share. Some not so good not so sure news...I still don't know when I will be returning to Hubby's house. It's a huge distance and I do miss the family, but not all the confusion to be honest. I find I miss Hubby's friendship and companionship, oddly enough most often when I am watching tv alone at night. I miss the grandchildren tremendously. My conflicts are too many and too confusing to list here in full but I know for certain what some of them are. My biological family. They really don't want me to go back except to pick up my things, which would be an enormous project. And very, very emotional. As I get older conflict is not something I look forward to. But I do miss some of my things, particularly books and photographs. I have become very attached to the grandchildren here. At the point at which I left our finances were strained in that we were all living pay check to pay check, and not always so well. I brought half my income here so that I can exist, but I find more and more that it isn't enough. Easy solution would be to go back, a much more difficult would be to take more money from the family pot. In a way I'm not sure that's fair to them since they are going through some major financial problems at the moment. #2 lost her job and hasn't found a new one! The eldest son needs surgery and can't go back to work until that is finished and he goes through rehab. The conflict? One of my sons is out of work, the one with a family. It is super expensive to live here. I feel, perhaps irrationally, very torn up inside about all this. Another problem that has multiple facets to it is the state of our marriage....see? I could go on and on.... More good news is that the coldest of the weather seems to be gone. Spring, my second favorite season, is here! I haven't started keeping a daily journal again...I don't know why. And I haven't gone back to writing for the website I used to write for, again, not sure why that is. I wish some of my favorites like NTPW/H and Older/Wiser would start blogging again, I miss reading them. And BC, you should really start a blog!

An Update of Sorts

I haven't posted in almost a month because honestly, I don't have much news. Things are the same. The new doctor was nice enough and I have no bad news to report from tests and such. Thanks for asking though BC.

Well, ok, there is something that is irking me. Hubby's youngest son is getting married. It's not the marriage that is irking me, although I am one of those people who believes in folks waiting until their life is on track before taking that leap. He and his fiance are young. Too young in my opinion but they've been together through high school and initially were going to wait even longer (he's only 19 and she's just about 18) but they have their parents blessing. So what irks me is they are getting married on hubby and my anniversary! Not their fault. Hubby and the sister wives forgot. Then the plan was made and there was no turning back. Honestly, I don't know how they could have forgotten because anniversaries were always a big deal in our house. Perhaps they just didn't think I would care. In any event, it irks me.

I don't think I've ever mentioned this but this young couple, again with both sets of parents agreeing, are living in my room at the moment, until they get a place of their own which could be god only knows when. Now what bothers me about this besides the obvious things, is that supposedly (and I hope so) my "things" were packed up and put away safely. I guess I'm feeling frustrated at the moment. I just hope and pray that my personal belongings aren't "lost" in a storage shed somewhere. Or worse, still in the room being used by everyone, or should I say "broken." A trip down there isn't feasible at the moment I'm sorry to say.

To add icing to this "delightful" cake, my family here has turned against hubby and the whole plural marriage thing. I think another fall out from my illness has been that my family, kids, sisters, etc. wants me to be near them more than they did. When I first moved across the country for a new life, though skeptical about polygamy (once they knew about it), they were at least glad for me that I felt I had found happiness. It was hard not to notice at the time how changed for the better I was after meeting hubby. Someone commented once that it was as if I had come back to life. I looked younger, happier, prettier, and was definitely more actively engaged in the world at large instead of just my "career."

Anyway, that's it for today. I will try to post more frequently.

Cancer Changed Things

I wasn't able to fly home for my 6 month check up with my oncologist, so I found one here...It was kind of weird going to a different doctor but I did it yesterday. Somehow this feels like an accomplishment :) I didn't fly for several reasons, the two most important: 1) It was too expensive. and 2) I was nervous about it.

It seems like I've been gone so long...I am worried about my relationship with Hubby. We don't seem to communicate from a distance with the ease I thought we would. After all, we had a long distance relationship for many years, why isn't this working this time? I honestly thought putting a distance between us would help bring us closer again. I really thought it would, but it hasn't. Oh my god I miss those grand babies! I don't think they could possibly understand how much. But I didn't enter in to this plural marriage for the grand babies it included, so I have to try not to focus on my love for them so much. I even miss the extended family..nieces, etc. I miss the practicality of #1 and her sisterly ways. I wish I could say I miss #2 but I'm not sure I do. Hubby, well I'm just confused about him. I miss him and yet it's different than when I used to miss him.

Having cancer changed me. It changed our relationship too. But it didn't change me necessarily for the better or our relationship either. I don't want to say I've become a selfish, self-absorbed person, but I do find myself focusing on myself. I want what I want. I don't feel like doing a lot of things I used to do regularly, like writing for instance, or cooking. The changes in the relationship with Hubby are super complicated and hard to explain, but they are bold and bothersome.

I keep thinking these issues are going to resolve....but honestly, I don't think he misses me one bit. Ok, maybe one bit but not much more than that. At one time I thought we had an extremely close relationship, like best friends...but I'm not feeling that vibe so to speak at the moment and haven't ever since I got sick. Having and fighting cancer changed all that.

Forgiveness is the Solution to Everything....Courtesy of Steven Tyler

I haven't written here in a while mostly because I was feeling like I was whining too much. But I have something I would like to share.

I'm not a HUGE fan of Oprah Winfrey but occasionally she does something that strikes a chord in me. She has started a new show on her network OWN, called The Next Chapter. Her first show was a two hour long interview with rock icon Steven Tyler at his home in New Hampshire. I knew I always like Aerosmith's lyrics and I know lead singer Tyler has had a tumultuous life, in large part because he was/is a drug addict. But he is enormously talented and apparently a strong person with strong ties to his family and his roots. This interview was amazing..

At one point in the interview Oprah asks him how he has survived what with his infamous drug use, his conquering hepatitis C and his professional/personal troubles. He says something like..Forgiveness is the solution to everything..or the answer to everything..I can't remember which even though I watched it twice. But the concept struck a deep chord within me. I sometimes have trouble forgiving. And then when I do manage to forgive, I can't seem to "forget." That's a problem I will always have to work on.

Forgiveness. What does that mean? Why is it so hard to forgive? And why is it so necessary?

Years ago, an acquaintance of mine lost her 19 year old son in a terrible car accident that was probably the fault of the driver of the car her son was in. At the funeral in the church, the young man sat next to her. He came out of the accident barely injured physically. The whole family embraced him and comforted him as he comforted them. He was never quite the same afterwards but he eventually moved forward, joined the Navy and had a life...as did they. Of course they were deeply saddened but they were able to continue in a way their son would have wanted.

A few years later a good friend lost her young son in a car accident when the driver of the vehicle fell asleep at the wheel and they hit an enormous tree. Again the driver was barely hurt. But he did not appear at the funeral and my friend never spoke to him. Both she and her husband became unhappy and bitter. I don't think the sadness ever lifted from their eyes and their professional and personal lives suffered.

I remember at that first funeral remarking to someone how heart warming it was to see the family and the driver together. The answer I got was similar to Steven Tyler's thoughts on forgiveness.

Even if forgiving just chases the negative thoughts out of our heads it's worth a try. But I think, from what I have seen, it can do so much more.

Christmas and New Years

I've always had a hot and cold relationship with the Holidays. As a child I used to throw up every Christmas Eve...I guess the excitement. As a teenager and college student New Year's Eve was always a time of angst for me. I wasn't allowed to go out with friends or even to a house party. I was expected to stay home with the family. We had a party at home and it wasn't all misery but it usually had me either embarrassed or angry or resentful. My parent's home always looked so beautiful for Christmas. I always found it odd that once we all moved and especially after my Dad passed, she didn't fuss about Christmas at all.

As an adult, and a parent Christmas was a huge amount of work, but fun non-the-less. A shopper I'm not. Shopping to me is a headache, a chore tolerated for the children's sake. I did always enjoy decorating the tree and collected ornaments that hold a great deal of sentimental value. All of them are at hubby's house. I love driving around and looking at all the outdoor decorations. Always sad when their time is up and the outdoors goes back to looking bleak.

In my plural family, hubby makes a huge deal over Christmas, decorating to the nines, shopping, cooking, the works. I have to admit he does a great job. We all help where we can but he's definitely in charge of it. I always found that to be somewhat of a relief, no pressure put on me to make the perfect Christmas. The only challenge was getting used to new traditions and trying to blend my taste with my sister wive's tastes.

Here where I am, I'm just Grandma. Not in charge of anything and that's ok. Not great but ok. I have a little fake tree that I bought some cheap ornaments for, and my sister will make a nice Christmas for all of us I'm sure. New Year's Eve I will probably be alone or with one of my boys. Very low key.

I'm beginning to understand my mother more and more. I miss her.

In case I don't blog before the holiday gets here, I hope you all have a good one filled with love.

Off Course

Wow seems I'm posting a lot! There is just so much on my mind.

I feel like I've failed here. I feel as though no one here likes me, let alone loves me, except for the small children. Look, truth be told, I'm a pretty opinionated person, always have been. I've tried to keep it under check because folks here don't like opinionated people it seems. I'm from New York, New Yorkers tend to speak their mind. For thirty years I lived with a man who tried to suppress me, then I met this man and he seemed to like everything about me....well his family doesn't and his family is very important to him as it should be. I have been thinking of all of them as my family also but there is a great deal of truth to the old axiom "blood is thicker than water." None of my blood is involved in this family. Even #2 is the mother of the wife of hubby's oldest son. Ouch! Have I ever mentioned that before? Well it's true. Everyone here has a place, I'm the misfit. This is no one's fault. It just is. I am easily disposed of, not that anyone has tried to dispose of me god forbid, but it's an underlying truth.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling so negative, I think perhaps it's because I went through something that required me to be loved unconditionally and I wasn't. That's it.

Then honestly there is the fact that I didn't raise these grown-up children and I don't understand them anymore than they understand me. I don't feel respected by them.

Gosh, this post has gone way off course, sort of like my life. I'm just very, very sad that I'm leaving and I want them to want me to return. I want someone to show in someway that I will be missed. Someone just the other day asked me if hubby was spending more time with me than normal because I'm going away...I was puzzled. What do you mean I asked. The response was you know, has he said to the other wives, #3 and I need some extra time in the next few weeks, to do things together to cement our bond....WOW. What a concept! The answer..NOPE. And there doesn't seem to be any intention to do that. I casually mentioned this conversation to Hubby just now and he got that puzzled look he gets...and said, we spend every day in the office together. Um so does #2 so do all the children...um..no that's not what I meant Hubby dear. And, just as when I was lying in bed suffering from my bi-lateral mastectomy and chemo, no special consideration was given then, none will be given now. That my friends is the crux of the problem. It's every woman for herself here.

Our Marriage Has Suffered...but feeling better

Wow I hadn't realized it had been a whole month since I last posted! BTW I also had been keeping a handwritten journal dealing with my illness and dropped that over a month ago. I think I was burned out.

Right now I'm feeling pretty ok. I have some lingering neuropathy, insomnia and forgetfulness but that's about all. I take a medication that is supposed to block estrogen to my system but oddly enough I am feeling more and more like my old self even in regard to sexuality.

I have resumed painting and am trying to get back to writing articles and poetry. It's slow going.

Our marriage has suffered..the marriage between hubby and myself. The one between us all is a little bit better but not enough to have me dancing in the streets lol..What can I say, 3 women, 1 bathroom, 1 kitchen, 1 living room..ugh!! Thankfully Hubby purchased a good tv for my room when I first was diagnosed...at least I can disappear inside my own four walls. Our individual marriage? We are working on it. It's difficult to overcome some of the hard feelings I had during my recovery process. I wish I could explain it in more detail but I don't know if I can just yet. To make matters worse, in the past couple of months I have hosted the young grandchildren in my room very frequently, the youngest even staying in my room during sleepovers. During the day, the children prefer my television, for some reason, to the one in our living room which they have to share with whoever is around. My sanctuary has been violated but I love them still they are awesome grandkids. However, the opportunity for intimacy of any kind between myself and Hubby is less.

We have a schedule, a cock-eyed one, but a schedule non-the-less. My days are Thursday and Sunday.We each have two days/nights with Hubby having one supposedly to himself. I'm curious if those of you who have schedules have this "extra" day and what is done with it? Ana?

Anyway, I think polgamy is not a great place for reviving a marriage...just my two cents!

Dear HBO.COM and some real stuff

My heart is broken! The new website gives me no choice but to give away my identity to my family and friends and frankly that leaves me feeling I have to be careful of what I say. Plus they don't warn you until the end when you have to choose between three of THEIR suggestions, all of which contain either first name and last initial, first initial and last name or both names!! wth! grrrr withay where ever you are please tell me I'm wrong :) Plus I couldn't find a member created thread anywhere:/

I broke down last. At about 2 am I came out of my room and walked into Hubby and my office where #2 was sitting reading and Hubby was on the computer. I asked for a few minutes to talk to Hubby in private and then proceeded to cry uncontrollably and then Hubby called a family member who is a counselor and asked them to call the house. It was very helpful to talk to someone who had some understanding of my feelings. Of course unfortunately, this monopolized the rest of Hubby's night. I'm not sure if #2 was making a dig or not when she mentioned today that I had asked for a few minutes. Mind you, Tuesdays are Hubby's to do with as he pleases; Tuesday doesn't belong to any of the wives.

I think I am going to search poly blogs for posts about schedules...

One of many

This has been a couple of interesting weeks. Ups and downs in feelings; but the physical discomfort is somewhat abated, thank goodness. I'm even hoping I can get the go ahead from the doctors this week to DRIVE. Oh that would be wonderful!

Last Sunday I even got to go out to dinner! I was feeling pretty good.

Sundays are my days. Yes, I got the short end of the weekend stick. With a family this large, very often Sunday becomes family day. We have a pool; it's summer; friends and family show up.

I had to go in for day surgery this past Thursday (my other day) to have the incisions fixed by the plastic surgeon. They weren't healing the way he would have liked. I'm told this is because I have been a smoker most of my life. I've cut myself down to about 3-4 cigarettes a day now and sometimes none if I sleep alot. Consequently I am weepy, cranky and sullen. HaHaHa!!! ok realistically I'm MORE weepy, cranky and sullen than I would be.

One good thing about being in a plural family - I have lots of help around the house and I'm not lonely. But I long for a day of just me and hubby going for a drive or watching old movies, funny movies. I'm searching for laughter.

I'm about to change my diet over to mostly fruit and veggies. I don't have much of an appetite anyway and fruit and veggies are cancer fighters. They will also boost my immune system in preparation for chemo which will start in about 8 days.

In polygamy you are one of many people who have needs to be met. I;m pretty sure that when you have cancer, and have lost two of your body parts, it would be preferable to be one of two or three.

A week ago

It's been 8 days since surgery. Whatever made me think that I would be blogging when I first got home from the hospital, it was definitely not happening! I slept the first couple of days and barely remember them honestly. To be brutely honest, all I remember was being in terrible pain. The pain has eased up though there remains that god awful pressure feeling at the incisions and occasional waves of pain. Mostly, I'm functioning. I would love to have more use of my arms though because I can't even brew a cup of coffee on my own yet.

#1 and my sister have struck up a friendship! My sister loved her! #1 is my awesome nurse now that I'm home. So far all tests are negative but a pet scan has been ordered for next week and one node shows a VERY small "something". I know the doctor was more detailed with me than that but I'll be darned if I can remember everything.

Hubby's cousin took me to my appointment today, she was a big help since I can't drive yet and she's an upbeat person. I find I can't stay on topic too long or sit still long enough to write much else today, so there may be a spat of brief entries for a while.

A good one.

I'm back home a week now. It's been the week to buckle down and take care of the cancer business. So I saw the oncologist and the plastic surgeon this week. Also had a full body cat-scan. I'm always afraid of what any test will find and this was no different. I won't know for another day or so and by then it will come mixed up with the pre-surgery visit to the breast surgeon and the total body bone scan. It's almost at the point now where there is no time to freak out so if I'm going to I better hurry up and do it.

Lol did I mention we have been baby sitting the grandkids for three solid days now? Actually, they've been very good. Just tiring.

Then Saturday night we all went to an x-treme wrestling match, which isn't normally my cup of tea but the boys love it and hubby is managing a small group of wrestlers. They are all having a great deal of fun with it and it's nice to see everyone having a good time. Especially hubby. There are just some weeks that I feel my age :)

Oh, a side note about hubby/my sisters and polygamy. (please refer to the post where I mention telling them about our family. ~

I asked my sister what she thought of hubby since this was the first time they met. First she made note that she hadn't really sat down to talk to him, and then, almost under her breath she said: "You finally got a good one." ha! ha!

Decisions

I'm going with the poll results and going to incorporate the breast cancer into this polygamy blog. I may do a separate one also at some point.

Yesterday Hubby and I went to see the first breast surgeon I'm interviewing. #1 met us there. This is the surgeon I'm doubtful about but she turned out to be very nice. In my heart though I still have the nagging feeling I need another opinion. So I have an appointment with another surgeon in a few days..Someone highly recommended and with lengthy credentials and lots of years of experience. The problem is she's an hour or more away. This will be a big decision and a difficult one to make.

The good news is this doctor didn't feel that the cancer has spread. She said she can't be one hundred percent sure but she's pretty positive.

Here's the difficult thing about being in a plural marriage - it's hard to be selfish and self serving. But when you don't feel well, that's what you want to be. When you're scared that's what you want to be. When you're angry that's what you want to be. When you're sad that's what you want to be. More than ever I want Hubby to myself, but at the same time I'm grateful when someone else goes somewhere with him so I can sit at the computer and write, or hang out in my room and cry or nap.

Here's the good thing about being in a plural marriage - there are other people to do chores! It's hard to be depressed when surrounded by people laughing, swimming and in general having a good time.

Don't you just love summer? I love summer. Summer here is hot as hell but you can count on the sunshine which is great! It's always been my favorite time of the year. I feel younger, healthier and prettier in the summer. I don't get winter people.

I've been working on a garden in the area #2 wanted a new garden, it's been rough going because I got a late start and because the cats got to it, but Hubby's nephew is helping me now so hopefully something will grow and bloom there :)

Example of quirky difficulty in a plural marriage:

Buying beach or pool towels. I know that sounds stupid, and it is. I decided the four of us needed two towels each. Sounds simple. Of course they have to be different so you can tell which are yours. Try pleasing everyone... For some reasons a little decision like that can result in conflict believe it or not! I guess I still feel the need to please everyone. Hubby has been complaining lately that he always feels like he has to please so many people at the same time. I know what he means.

Anyway, I'm lousy at decisions in general. Breast cancer involves many decisions. This part is going to be rough.

Important Things

Here I am again!
2 posts/ 1 day
I'm impressing myself.

Anyway, if you scroll down you'll see a breast cancer awareness pink ribbon. I confess that I used to avoid those. Walks, runs, benefits, all avoided because of the symbolic pink ribbon. In my private world, breast cancer did not exist. Out of the blue not long ago I started to let go on the avoidance somewhat. There are all these cute, upbeat, breast cancer sayings on the internet.I haven't missed the irony of having those particular words in one sentence.

"Save second base," is one. Very cute, almost sexy and geared for my generation. Does second base even exist today?

"Save the TaTas," is another. Girlfriendy (sorry not a real word)and sassy.

There are others. I like them. They send their message without making me think of death.

They are many times accompanied by the pink ribbon. Hubby and his oldest son got tattoos of the pink ribbon with my name in it. I was deeply touched.So..the pink ribbon is added to my blog.

Gosh, you all have become my girlfriends in my new life, even you Hidden Sage! I mean that in the best sense you can think of HS. This is what I'm missing from my sister wives. Much as I love #1 and have come to appreciate some of #2's qualities,somehow I can't ramble with them, or vent, or gossip or any of that girl chatter we women can do that is as meaningful as it is silly. You, the readers here, are that for me. Even, I dare say those anonymous folk from a few months ago that trolled our blogs just to pick a fight. We all have had girlfriends that rubbed us the wrong way at times.

So the point is, it crossed my mind that the forces more powerful than I, won the avoid the pink ribbons battle with me. Let me tell you I'm not talking about God, but something or someone whose intention is to get my attention. Or, something that could be saying, "pay back's a bitch." Karma perhaps. However, in an attempt to stay positive and receptive to good power, I'm pushing those thoughts from my mind.

Now you know why I'm angry. Important things high up on the shelf went ignored for years. I'm angry at myself.

A Poll of Importance to Me

Dear Readers/followers:

Please read the previous post here before reading further.

I need to make a decision about this blog. I want to keep on blogging about my choice in lifestyle, but at the same time I feel the need to blog about my breast cancer. Writing is what I do, have always done, and sometimes is the way I deal with things.

The choice I have to make is whether or not to make it all one blog. My fear is that my breast cancer journey will over shadow my plural marriage journey or vice versa. I am asking for your opinion. In the end I may not agree with the poll; I may do just the opposite of your advice but it will help me in the decision process, really it will.

Oh - I'm sorry to say that yes I have breast cancer and may have more. I got the first diagnosis this afternoon. I woke up feeling angry, mostly at myself, but also just angry for no reason. Like a premonition. Then I got the call on the results for the first set of biopsies. No prognosis yet and probably won't be for a few weeks. There are two more lumps to be biopsied. The results I got today are from both breasts, similar but different lumps. I won't go in to too much detail here, but there are another two, one in each breast. I have every reason to be hopeful of a good result so I am going to try to remain positive as I can.

Hubby shaved his head today which made me both smile and be annoyed. The whole gang is going tonight to get pink ribbon tattoos. Not me. It's a lovely gesture and I appreciate it but I'm still adjusting to this new knowledge...

I will say this - plural marriage means extra support.

Tested

I'm being tested. Just when I think I've conquered most if not all of my challenges another one comes along. A couple of weeks ago Hubby discovered a large lump on my breast, large enough to be visible to the eye although under my breast where my bra goes. How neither of us noticed this before I don't know as it is 2x2 cm. A day and a half later I was at the doctors office who sent me for a mammogram. Since then, I've had yet another mammogram, several ultrasounds and won't know for certain what these lumps are. #1 has been quite helpful in regard to helping me locate the right caretakers and doctors. #2 hugs me more than usual and Hubby is treating me like I'm made of glass. I somehow have avoided freaking out.

If the news is very bad I'm going to be awfully pissed off at God for bringing me his challenge at this point in my life. I feel like I only started really living in the past couple of years. If the news is so so I'll/we'll deal. If the news is positive that's even better! This development has brought many changes to my life already. Hubby decided that I needed to tell my sisters about my lifestyle. I fought it but eventually gave in.

I'm sad about this.

So far two sisters know about my plural marriage. They told me they loved me no matter what. Then in the next conversation expressed sadness even grief that I seem to have "such low self esteem" as it was put! Asked to explain, very nicely they told me that they can't think of any other rational explaination which would allow me to "share" a man instead of having one of my own. It seems a good portion of the world shares that view. It's a view that may be true for some, but I don't think it applies to me. I know their opinion comes from the way we were brought up but nonetheless it bothers me. At the same time they acknowledge that they know Hubby takes good care of me. And that I am happy.

They also see my move to this state and this family as an escape from reality...in their minds I have run away from my former life, my children and them. One sister cries tears of sorrow that she lives too far away to be any help to me.

What to do? What to say in this situation? I have not a clue, truthfully.

I continue to work on my garden, though frustrated that the dogs and cats have wrecked some havoc. Watering the garden is like therapy for me.

I continue yoga instruction. And I continue painting.

All I would like is for life to keep going and for us all to be happy with our own lives and not judge.