Relationship markers; internet friends and some other stuff

First Christmas without your ex; first Valentine's Day etc...I must confess missing my plural relationship is not a daily thing..it had just gotten too hard. One thing I've noticed though is that it must have really filled up my life because I have too many days with not much to do.

I am glad to see NTPW posting again and Older and Weiser having some well deserved success. It seems many of the blogs I follow are pretty inactive these days. Border Collie, a very loyal blog reader, has lost her beloved husband and I'm sure is going through the healing process. I noticed in one of her comments on another blog she mentions that it's strange that internet friends can mean so much. It's not really strange. These internet friendships come in many shapes, sizes, colors and types and have one thing in common ...well mostly...there is no need for pretense. I also find them refreshing and wonderful and miss many of those folks I have connected with over the years.

Living alone, sadness, poor real life relationships - all are reasons that internet friends are a positive in our lives. There have been times in my past when they were almost all I had. Anyone who doesn't understand this, I don't know how to explain it.

This winter has been so much worse than the last one. Lots and lots of snow and a real honest to goodness blizzard. My doctor thinks I may have that winter blues syndrome - I forget what it's called. I think he may be on to something. I can't wait for summer.

Wake Up Thoughts

When I was at my worst phases of insomnia (hard to say, probably during menopause), I would lie awake most of the night unable to turn the "movie" off in my head. Those thoughts that keep going around and around inside your head - replays of the day; little aggravating thoughts about all kinds of things, not always so little; serious thoughts about finances, children, relationships - of course you know what I'm talking about. Those thoughts turn the hands on the clock from midnight to 4 am very quickly and can be quite troublesome. But I think I have topped them with my WAKE UP thoughts.

I'm not sure when these wake up thoughts first became problematic. All I know is they can be quite unsettling. These thoughts don't appear every morning and there is no way to prepare for them or to stop them.

Occasionally they are little sad thoughts. When hubby and I lived so very many miles away from each other, sometimes toward the middle of the time between our visits I would sometimes wake up and just as my eyes were opening, I would think of him and think "I miss him." Almost out loud.

When I was recuperating from my mastectomy, I would wake up angry! The thought - I'm so ANGRY- would literally form on my lips. It seems anger is a recurring theme in my "wake up thoughts." It can be about anything. It sometimes used to be about #2 and her possessiveness. Other times angry thoughts would emerge at dawn about something hubby had said or done that I found particularly upsetting. Occasionally, the thought would be about something sad, annoying, or almost trivial. Whatever the thoughts are about they have an urgency. They rouse me when usually I am difficult to awake.

The other day, I woke up and as clear as a bell my first thoughts were how I missed the 5 year old grandson I left behind. For some reason this startled me. I think I know why I had that wake up thought. That little boy was a constant source of affection for me. He hugged and hugged me, especially when no one else did. The human touch is so necessary. It is the sugar of life. When my father died for years I recall my mother saying: "I just want someone to touch me." This was disturbing to me because I know I hugged her on occasion, or took her arm crossing the street and so forth. I used to have a problem with being touched. I have an instinct to pull away. But that little boys hugs were more than welcome. They were the medicine I needed. And now I miss them.

Our Marriage Has Suffered...but feeling better

Wow I hadn't realized it had been a whole month since I last posted! BTW I also had been keeping a handwritten journal dealing with my illness and dropped that over a month ago. I think I was burned out.

Right now I'm feeling pretty ok. I have some lingering neuropathy, insomnia and forgetfulness but that's about all. I take a medication that is supposed to block estrogen to my system but oddly enough I am feeling more and more like my old self even in regard to sexuality.

I have resumed painting and am trying to get back to writing articles and poetry. It's slow going.

Our marriage has suffered..the marriage between hubby and myself. The one between us all is a little bit better but not enough to have me dancing in the streets lol..What can I say, 3 women, 1 bathroom, 1 kitchen, 1 living room..ugh!! Thankfully Hubby purchased a good tv for my room when I first was diagnosed...at least I can disappear inside my own four walls. Our individual marriage? We are working on it. It's difficult to overcome some of the hard feelings I had during my recovery process. I wish I could explain it in more detail but I don't know if I can just yet. To make matters worse, in the past couple of months I have hosted the young grandchildren in my room very frequently, the youngest even staying in my room during sleepovers. During the day, the children prefer my television, for some reason, to the one in our living room which they have to share with whoever is around. My sanctuary has been violated but I love them still they are awesome grandkids. However, the opportunity for intimacy of any kind between myself and Hubby is less.

We have a schedule, a cock-eyed one, but a schedule non-the-less. My days are Thursday and Sunday.We each have two days/nights with Hubby having one supposedly to himself. I'm curious if those of you who have schedules have this "extra" day and what is done with it? Ana?

Anyway, I think polgamy is not a great place for reviving a marriage...just my two cents!

Mother's Day Reflections

I think this is my first Mother's Day here..last year I was with my new grandbaby. It was nice. Hubby bought us each a dozen roses and cooked a good meal for us. I got to sleep very late this morning. The sixteen yr old bought me Arby's for lunch! My boys sent flowers and the littles here gave us all cards. A nice day, truthfully nicer than it would have been in my old life. Somehow my ex skewed Mother's Day but I don't remember how.

I never really had a craving to be a mom until I was about 30 years old then it hit me big time. It's a really rough and tough job though and I don't recommend it for everyone. All the jokes you hear about being a mother are dead on true. I never dreamt I would ever take on the task of being a stepmother too! Raising a teenager again is my worst nightmare!!! But here I am. The good part is that it's not just me. The real mom and older step mom are here and Hubby is a very attentive and participating dad. I've honestly never seen a dad that is more liked by his kids than hubby. He is each of his kids favorite person.

Motherhood in polygamy for me is a trip! It's both easier and more difficult. If I were a kid I wouldn't want three moms in the same house.......sometimes I have the feeling they feel that way here and I don't blame them. But I love them. The truth is that loving them is part of loving hubby.

I wish my own kids knew more about my living situation. I know the oldest worries about me. The younger one is just glad I'm happy. But neither knows the truth of my situation and that pains me. In every other way we are close. We always were even closer than many moms and sons...their father called us a conspiracy of three, he envied my relationship with them. It's a pity because sons really need to be close to their dads. When I was in therapy, I was told that a good portion of my sons problems were due to the fact that after they reached puberty (that weird time between 11 and 13) their relationship with their father waned. It did. I couldn't stop that from happening and I regret it.

With the boys here I am more friend I think than mom. I have an active role in disciplining them but I am much stricter than their biological mom and dad are. Because of that I tend to back away from the discipline role because I learned as soon as I got here that it was a waste of my time. A kid is formed very young.

I wonder what kind of relationship other plural moms have with the children in the family. Most bloggers seem to focus on the adults and their feelings. I would love to hear other's stories on this topic.

Yogic Philosophy and such

I am very very tempted to tell my yoga instructor about my living situation. But I probably won't. I'm feeling ambivalent about the yoga at the moment anyway. What I enjoyed about her class when it was at the community college is that because the students were all seniors she went at a relatively slow pace with exercises and understood if there were just some things you couldn't do. Plus there was just the "right" amount of yoga, or yogic as I tend to call it, philosphy without being overbearing. She appears to have had an ephiphany or something because this last class I went to we had 35 minutes of meditation instead of 10 minutes of relaxation. I need a tad more exercise and a tad less spirituality. On the other hand I would so love to have a real friend who would accept and not question my choice of polygamy and I think she possibly would be the one. Will have to think more on it I suppose.

I've tried explaining the purpose of yoga breathing and the concept of being in the NOW to both hubby and #2..neither understands that they could do so much more for themselves to be happier people. Hubby particularly needs to learn the art of relaxation and the positive affects it has on your health etc.

Yet another challenge..

The new year has brought us another challenge!
For about 15 months the oldest son here and his wife plus two kids have lived in a house behind ours. The house I originally purchased for myself.
They are very young and don't manage their finances well, and over the holidays let their utility payments go, you can guess that result!
So they have moved in here for a week until things get taken care of...let's hope it's a week.

As it is I babysit anywhere from 3-6 days a week while they are working if they have a schedule conflict. I am crazy about those children so it's not much of a burden usually. However..now with this new situation they are ALL sleeping here and here 24/7 - its' the weekend so they are off.
OMG, there are 10 of us in this one house at the moment!

In cases like this (emergencies) I tend to go with the flow and just raise up my hands and give in to it....but you have NOOOOO idea how messy these young people are! And how tight it is in the house. Under ordinary circumstances they are here a lot anyway, but now they don't leave at 7 or 8 pm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The living room is totally taken up by their MESS. It's hard on them I'm sure, but it is really a test for us.

#2 is particularly cranky lately...more on that another time.
#1 is getting cranky which is unusual for her.
Hubby has conceded that his privacy and living room time are severely compromised!!!
and I am trying to stay out of the way!

So here I sit in front of the computer...it's no more private in here...remember it's the weekend, and the teenager isn't in school and had the audacity to invite a friend for the weekend! oh my friends that is another topic...how I differ from everyone else in child rearing/teenager dealing!

People wonder what I get from blogging?

Blogging Issues

I haven't posted in almost a month, not because I've had nothing to say, but more because I find it hard lately to choose where to start, or what topic to choose. Also there is the issue of comments.

Sometimes I get what I consider to be quite a few comments. Yay, someone is reading! Then other times no comments at all. Boo! No one likes me so why bother..lol bloggers are sensitive people!

The worst however are the comments I don't want to publish. Go ahead and criticize me if that is what floats your boat. Tell me that you think this lifestyle is nuts, too hard, not for you, goes against your religious beliefs, makes you skeeve etc. Tell me you think I'm an idiot even. But please don't degrade others who read and comment here. That's a no no. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and beliefs in my book.

Then, recently, I got a very nasty comment that I rejected w/o thought. It was unnecessarily rude and borderline obscene. Basically it was this:

"Do you enjoy sharing a penis?" This was written by anonymous, of course.

Now you say, why share it now? Mostly because I am illustrating the type of comment that will be rejected. But there is something else.

Polygamy isn't about sex. As a matter of fact, of all my three marriages I've had since a young woman, this is the least amount of sex I've ever had.

Polygamy is mostly about our family. The blending of our families. It is about taking care of the children and fostering a home filled with love and compassion. The adults here all probably go out far less than in monogamous families. There is always someone home except on rare occasion.

Polygamy is about love, not lust, and not religion at least not in this family. It is about loving a man enough to share him. Some of you may not understand that.

In my case, polygamy is about coming to a point in my life where I don't need a husband all to myself to have on my arm like a trophy. I don't need to have a husband to define my identity.

Is it always easy? No. As a person I once admired often said, If it were easy, everyone would do it.
Is it always fun? Hell no. But often times it is.
Is it always peaceful. Ha Ha Ha! Only today when someone went to move one of the cars and found that another person had carelessly forgotton to put away a tarp and left it beside it beside the car and under one wheel - they discovered one of the cats in the process of giving birth inside the tarp and behind a wheel. There are many times I look at hubby and remark...You couldn't make this stuff up, we should be a bad sitcom :) Funny times, remarkable times, loud times and sometimes sad times. We juggle time, meals, the bathrooms, the television, the nights out. We are not always disciplined. And sometimes someone will be brought to tears out of frustration, other times out of joy.

We are not unlike every family except if we all want to go to Six Flags at once, well..it's sitcom time!

So dear anonymous reader,

If you choose to be vulgar, degrading or anything similar, your comment won't be published. If you choose to use my page to insult one of my readers, you won't be published. It's that simple.

I'm sorry if repeating the latest rude comment has offended anyone but I figure we are adults and have heard that word before.