Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Week from Hell

Damn her! yes - I don't care if that sounds horrid. If you read my back story at all you know how important the schedule is and how elated I was when it changed to something I was more comfortable with. The problem started last Sunday and it's been..well welcome to my week from hell.

Hubby and #1 wanted to surprise me by taking me to the casino (something I've expressed an interest in since the casino story in Big Love) and a place where Hubby and #1 have gone on infrequent occasion to relax. They never bring much - Hubby says never bring more than you're willing to lose. Anyway, it had been a long time since any of us had done anything frivolous and they had just received their tax refund. They tried to plan it for #1's day but the plan got foiled by the kiddos. The next day, mine, something else got in the way. Sunday was #2's day. She usually goes to church but had decided not too so off we went. Only #1 and hubby knowing exactly where at first. Well true to form #2 clung to hubby's side all day even though he gave us each a small amount of money to play the slot machines with. I didn't care because it was fun anyway and I didn't lose anything except winnings, broke even. We had a really nice time, ate a nice meal, and enjoyed ourselves except that #2 was antsy to get going home and somehow managed to royally piss off hubby (unusual for her) as we were leaving. Of course this resulted in pouting and sulking the whole way home. And I swear this almost 50 year old woman reverses to the posture of a child when she sulks. It's sooooo annoying. We were home by 7pm I think.

The next morning the weather report was bad, saying we might get an ice storm (btw it didn't arrive for a couple of days) so mid morning #1 called me to ask if I would mind switching days with her since she would stay at relatives near work. Let me explain.

We used to have assigned days broken up evenly with a different one getting 3 each week. To me it seemed unrealistic and sometimes I would have 4 or 5 days in between. Plus it meant that whoever had Saturday always had Saturday etc. We changed all that to a rotation schedule. Something #1 and I brought up to #2 and she agreed, as it turns out reluctantly because if she didn't get one of her days off (which happened occasionly ) she would be upset to have only the evenings and mornings. ugh. Of course when HER work schedule changed to where she didn't leave for work until 12:30 pm, she wound up with every morning anyway but thats' a WHOLE nother story

So of course I said of course but hubby overheard and said NO, we weren't going to do any switching because the schedule needed to be changed. omg! I nearly dropped the phone and #1 was going oh no on the other end. We went back to assigned days with hubby giving #2 one of her days off each week.

Apparently, according to hubby, someone was unhappy with the schedule and it had to be changed. That someone didn't come to her sister wives to talk about it, she went directly to hubby at 3 am when he was trying to sleep!

As #1 said, she got her way. Took her several months to get it but she got it. Now for the great part. You have to just love karma! The very next day, her boss changed her days off!!!!! I kid you not. All hubby said to her was...we are NOT changing the schedule again. pfft.

Well today was her day off. He always has to pander to her and go on some kind of excursion whether he wants to or not. As I said to him, her demand make the rest of us back away to give him space. They returned from their excursion with hubby in a mood. Apparently the purpose for the trip to the mall was so she could talk uninterrupted and spend time griping about me! (along with her usual "wish I could stay home and take care of the house and hubby instead of going to work" gripe. How well she and #1 got along before I came along but now 1 and I gang up on her, talk about her, and all kinds of other good stuff. How happy they all were before they had to fit me into their lives. WHY on earth he would tell me she said all this I don't know, but I'm saving it. Putting it in a little drawer somewhere to be pulled out when I need it. My response to hubby was - yes everyone was happy because #1 would spend the entire evening every evening in her room watching tv while #2 played house - monogomy house! And if you were to ask #2 if that was fair she would say - #1 chose to do that and besides she is the only one who can visit him in the hospital, etc etc etc.............

You know what's weird? This all happened immediately after I had a night with hubby and we were discussing how FINALLY everything seemed to be falling into place, how the household had developed at last a nice rythmn, how are financial problems were ironing out and we were all getting along and how happy he was feeling.

One good thing happened this week though - I started my classes!


Meggin said...

Wow - I'm always amazed at how ridiculous #2 acts. I really do wonder how your husband thinks she's so great. i know that is only 1 part of her and I only hear a certain perspective. But still, it sounds like your husband needs to take a step back and tell her that she has to talk to you and #1 about the schedule - its not for him to decide. I would hateto have to walk on egg shells everyday around someone like her. And if she is going tosit there and bash you - hubby needs to intervene and tell her he won't hear it. If she has a legit problem, she needs to call a family meeting.

Anonymous said...

Your husband is acting like a parent with a spoiled child. He rewards #2 for her bad behavior and gives her her way when she throws a temper tantrum or manipulates him. Unfortunately for you, your husband and #1 have given into this bad behavior for many years which has set up a pattern which will be very difficult to break at this point.

Maybe you could hold a family meeting and discuss that you are a family with 4 adults. Any decisions that are made for the adults should be discussed in a family meeting and a consensus or at least a majority vote of the 4 adults should happen before things are changed or implemented. Decisions that affect all 4 adults need to be made by all 4 of the adults, not by one of the adults because of someone's manipulation behind the others back.

If your husband runs a patriarchal household, as it sounds like he does, you could ask that he not make decisions unless they are brought up in family meetings first where all are allowed to express their opinions. His decision then could be announced in another family meeting with an explanation of why he made it.

Your husband is not being fair to you and #1 and seems to be treating you all like children.

I hope you can work things out.
Good Luck, I think you are going to need it.

Anonymous said...

As I just re-read your post, it dawned on me that your problem is not really with #2, your real problem is with your husband.

First, he allows #2 to manipulate and control the family, at yours and #1's expense. As you said before, the squeaky wheel gets the grease, or in your case she gets her way.

Second, he is not fostering friendhip or love between his wives. He allows you to complain about each other to him and then he tells you about the complaints. What's with that?

Third, he makes a decision that affects you all without even discussing it with you first. He just announces the decision out of the blue. This is the way it is and that's final!!

I ask this question with sincere intent to understand, what benefit do you get from this marriage that makes put up with all this!

new#3 said...

Meggin - hubby does tell her he doesn't want to hear it but she talks anyway :) and yes a family meeting would have been better. We usually do that but not always, regretably.

Anonymous - thank you for your thoughtful comments. You are on target, this has been going on long before I got here and it's difficult to break if possible at all. It is the one cross to bear in this otherwise happy marriage. When things are going swimmingly it's wonderful. Remember that #2 is out of the house alot for work. Hubby works from home mostly and I am retired. He would like all of the wives to be sisters and friends but he doesn't foster it I agree, and it is something I have taken up with him. I think from now on i'll just say, stop please, if #2 has complaint about me let her tell me herself.

What benefit do I get? I have a loving husband, a large extended family and many good times. Unfortunately, sister wives can be troublesome from what I hear of other plural marriages. I don't deny however that if #2 grew up AND hubby kept what is said if anything about the others private things would be smoother.

In my former life I might not be so willing to put up with things like this. My former marriage was patriarchial in its own way and I couldn't stand it. However, it wasn't as loving a marriage. There were cross words every day. We dn't have that here. The majority of the time I feel like an adult in a good relationship, but then things like this happen and it all goes topsy turvy.

3rd... said...

it seems karma served her right .. her days got switched, and their excursion was ruined..

sometimes you can just sit back and let God do the work for you


I wish I could say she will change, but I dare not since she is already 50 and has been with hubby for 16 years

The great thing is that you and #1 seem to be on the same page. That's so important..