Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Religion In Our House For Those That Are Interested..

I was born and raised a Roman Catholic and I'm afraid I'm one of those who born a Catholic remains one even after falling from grace as they say in the Catholic Church. Not that I still go to church, because I don't, but when I go for a funeral or wedding I still feel it's home. And I hope when they bury me they have a Catholic mass. I have no idea why I feel that way either. Thus, I never converted to another organized religion. I have one I can use if I choose to stop being "fallen away," as they put it. During my life I toyed with the idea of becoming Unitarian, but anyone I ever knew who did that (and I know a few) was disappointed in the lack of "something." I have a melting pot of beliefs, I could become an Episcoplain in a heartbeat probably because at least they got rid of that whole Pope thing. Long before the scandals that have rocked the church and the credibility of Bishops etc, I discovered way too many of their human frailities to believe in following their lead. However, Buddhism holds some beliefs I adhere to as well. So basically, I don't deal well with with the Catholic heirarchy and don't feel like moving across the street to another church. I pray when the spirit moves me and I have big doubts about alot of things, including the bible.

Hubby is of no particular faith. He was born in to some Protestant religion but his family was not religious. He once studied briefly to be a Methodist minister but decided against it. He believes in God, but will not go to church. Period.

#1 is a Southern Baptist and attends services semi-regularly.
#2 is a Methodist but we don't know how she got there to tell the truth. She reads and studies the bible almost daily and goes to church almost every Sunday, taking the grandkids with her.
The teenage boy attends his mother's (#1) church on occasion. The 19 year old, no church. The grown boy, no church although when he goes it's with his mom, #1.
Oh and my kids - they were raised Catholic. I felt it was important to give them something. They don't go to church regularly although they used to. One is really quite Catholic in his morality and beliefs. They are both pro-life for instance. The other one became a born again Christian at one point, but is back to being Catholic. After a certain age I left it up to them what they wanted to do.

I have an ex husband who came from a family who all converted to Mormon. He rebelled against it because at the time, Mormons were known for their racism. (1960's). So that religion never really seemed attractive to me.

That my friends is what I tried to say in my brief introduction. I call us secular polygamists because we are not a plural family because of any religious belief. Ok well #2 likes to quote passages from her bible that refer to "more than one wife." ugh. That was thousands of years ago right?

Hubby has said "Christian Polygamists" but I'm pretty sure what he meant was we are polygamists who happen to be Christians.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Patience Among Wives, How Much Is Necessary?

Patience is something that is needed by all co-wives I think no matter where they are in the pecking order, don't you think?
I mean, the first wife - well basically alot if not all first wives are probably saints. I'm going to be blunt honest here. I don't think I would ever go for this plural marriage thing if my marriage started out as monogamous. Maybe if I had become frigid or tired or my husband and bitter. MAYBE. But let's face it first wives give up stuff.
The second wife I'm thinking needs patience with the first wife's acceptance of her. Then she needs patience with the third wife, sigh. The third wife, etc.

But I am out of patience! I have empathy for both my co -wives. I like one alot, she is beginning to feel like a sister. The other one I'm trying to like with all my heart. But I've run out of patience. We had one blow up already and I'm not ready for another but gosh. I need prayer. I need something to help me with her, #2. Now, just as things were simmering down, the schedule more or less better than it was...#2 and I actually not full blown competing etc..her work schedule changes!! She gets home later but leaves alot later, not until 12:30 pm!! She never stops yakking among other annoying habits..God help me! Plus she has started to whine again about housework. That totally pisses me off. Last night she did this thing she does whenever she washes her rather long, thick hair. I'm going to share it just so you don't think I'm a mean person.

After washing her hair, she calls hubby into the bathroom. EVERY time she washes her hair which thankfully is only 2-3 times a week. She calls, he runs. So a few weeks ago I asked him what she wanted. Are you ready for this? She needs him to...pick the loose hair off her wet back!! I'm not kidding.

Harmless you say? Uh huh, that's what I thought too! Somewhat needy and childish but harmless. So last night it happened again. I was tempted to shout out, "You know #2 it would be easier and quicker to just powder your back and use your towel." But no, I zipped my mouth because I'm trying.

Guess what I found out? Come on you already guessed, and you're right. I know this because hubby told me finally because he wasn't feeling well and because it happened to be my night.

Should I confront her? I'm not sure. Hubby hates those confrontations. He would rather I do something like next time follow him into the bathroom and say something sassy, which will cause him to laugh and say something smart back. Break the ice then have the conversation. So, I'm going to TRY to be patient about it.

What do you think? I am hoping for a male's perspective too, anyone lurking my blog who fits that gender description, please chime in.

Thursday, August 21, 2008


In other places I have written about compromising. To me it is the number 1 negative in a plural marriage even above sharing.
Some one recently wrote in their polygamy blog that they hate living with cats!! Oh did I so relate!
I hope you all don't get tired of reading about compromising because I am fixated on it. As a plural wife, compromising is a huge part of my life and I have to assume with most plural wives.

Whether it's living with cats, dogs, turtles or ferrets...
What color to paint the bathroom...
Where to hang the new hammock in the yard...
Or cleanliness standards...
Compromising is a pain, and a constant reminder that it's not your nest. If nothing else.

I guess if everyone had their own house like on HBO's Big Love, it might be simpler. But no matter what, so much time is spent together, at least in our marriage, and then of course there are the inevitable compromises in the schedule - if there is a schedule. We have one, I highly recommend it.

Compromising so much puts a lump in my throat, is that childish? That's the way I'm feeling tonight, sort of childish and selfish.

#2 here does the least compromising. I always wanted to be one of those girls in high school who has things under control "one way or another." She's one of those girls and I'll be damned but I will figure out one day how she does it.
#1 is total sacrifice and compromise. Makes me sad some days.
Me- I am not sure where I'm at on it cept I don't like it. It was really hard moving in to someone else's house though. I want to take the whole kitchen and rearrange every last thing so stuff is where I need it when I cook. Hubby says I will do that one day and to just be patient. It bothers him that I get sad about compromising, but I can't help it. This is all still very new.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Sister wives and friends...

I miss my friends. I don't speak to my old friends every day anymore, and I miss them. I miss being dragged out of the house when I'm in a funk and having a good time laughing over a glass of wine in spite of myself. I just got off the phone with a friend from back east and it suddenly hit me....other than family, I haven't made a single friend here in my new home. It reminded me of a post I wrote back in January, so I am repeating it (shortened up a bit) here because I think it's relevant to the experience I'm having.

One of the positive things I keep hearing about havng sister wives is that you wind up with built in friends. That puzzles me to some extent. Well, I guess if the pool of candidate wives consists of women the existing wives already know and like, that would be the case. But some of us have sister wives that either are there first, or are chosen by the husband for the family's approval. To me that makes them more like traditional family members..and we all know we can't really choose our family and don't always like them!

My particular dilema with this is that I have always had friends. I imagine that when I am permenantly settled hereI will establish a small circle of friends of both sexes. Most likely I will either volunteer or work part time outside of the home and I am friendly. It suddenly occured to me that my sister wives will be curious about my friends, want to meet them, befriend them much like if they were real sisters. wow. They may even develop jealousies regarding them. Holy wow. #1 has friends at work but never brings them home. One wishes #2 would make some friends but she doesn't. Hubby loved making friends when he was spending time back east with me. And he has a childhood friend that visits regularly. Friends. Do suburban plural families not affiliated with any church/religion, ever really have "friends?" Good question.One I'm going to be pondering for a while I think.

I've been here several months and this is worrying me. I'm afraid I will become lonely. Not the all alone kind of lonely, but the "no girlfriends to meet for lunch" kinda lonely. Neither #1 nor #2 would be my friend except for the fact that we have been more or less thrown together. If #1 were a co-worker she would probably become my friend after a while. She's sweet and generous and she likes to go places. Wife #2 is someone I would never choose as a roommate or a friend. I can't figure out how Hubby would have chosen her. It's little things like how she never shuts up, or how she leaves dirty pots out over night. How she acts and dresses younger than her years. Other things too...She's annoying and I'm no saint.

Saturday, August 16, 2008


let's see... Hubby and I met over a shared hobby, became really close friends and eventually fell in love...however, knowing he was a practicing polygamist with two wives already, I was not keen on the idea of sharing him so I didn't think the day would ever come that I would become his wife. Over a period of approximately 5 years,we would drift apart, we would stay close friends and confidantes, we would fight our feelings and then start all over...his wives knew he was considering me for a 3rd and wanted to meet me, we met...I guess they liked me. The kids all combined liked the idea of "us." It just was a very difficult decision for me to make because on top of never ever having him to myself, I knew I would have to move several states away, half way across the country, which for me was a huge sacrifice and change at my age.

Finally after weeks of waiting for #2's ideas on the whole subject and give her blessing, we had a ceremony last September with the four of us. #1 liked me from the get go and we had almost an instant kindred spirit sort of thing between us from the start. I was, and sometimes think will always, be wary of #2.

For several months, and after visiting and staying at the house many times (uncomfortably I will add),I was concerned about where to live when I move down permanently. That is really a tough tough decision. So tough I keep putting it off. Choices are: 1)my own room in the house Hubby currently shares with #1 and #2. 2) My own house which at the moment is occupied by a son and daughter-in law and 2 grandbabies and is next door to the other house. 3) Somehow share that house with the children or 4) build an addition on to the house the other members live in at the moment so that every wife has her own room. (presently they share a room). Hubby said I should start off in the first home so I get used to all living under one roof. But I so like my space so we'll see.

At any rate, I came to realize too late that #2 didn't like the idea of me having my own home to escape to, or for Hubby to escape to. It seems she thought, even though she had been told that it would probably happen, that there would never be a #3, and as it turns out of all of us, she is the least comfortable with plural marriage. This doesn't stop her from quoting the Bible on polygamy every now and then though...but that's a story for another time.

So..that is more or less how it came to be that all three wives in our marriage live under one roof. I have my own room thankfully, but it's not something I would recommend for anyone seeking peace and quiet.

Thursday, August 14, 2008


I have been blogging in different venues for a couple of years and actually have a blog on this topic on HBO's website under Big Love. Since I haven't figured out how to transfer those blog posts to here I will give you a synopsis of my story up until now. I'm sorry if this leaves holes or questions unanswered but I will do my best to eventually get all that information to this site eventually. In the meantime if you comment with questions I will try to answer.

I am pretty new to a plural family. I use that term because we are not Mormons, nor fundamentalists. As a matter of fact we are all of different religions and none at all. Some would refer to us as secular polygamists.

I feel it's important to get out information about people who live this lifestyle who are basically the folks next door. Ours is a story you may find helpful or interesting, well I hope anyway. This family began as a monogamous marriage, approximately 9 or 10 years later a second wife was added, and 15 years after that, I became the third wife. How I met my husband and how and when I was convinced to join this family is a story unto itself. I intend along the way for it to unfold. I joined the family officially almost a year ago, but only moved into our home this past March. So, I call myself "new#3".

Our family consists of hubby, wife#1, their two sons, wife #2, myself, my children who are grown and who don't live with us, and a son of hubby's from another marriage. One of his sons with wife#1 lives next door with his wife and two small sons. The reason I don't use our real names is to protect certain family members who would rather not have our life stories exposed to the public. Our husband is aware that I blog about our life and approves.

Right now I'm feeling frustrated because I would love to include my Big Love Blog here as an archive, maybe what I'll do is copy and paste occasionally. Until then I'll just wing it I guess. I hope you stay tuned.