Friday, June 5, 2009

Tested

I'm being tested. Just when I think I've conquered most if not all of my challenges another one comes along. A couple of weeks ago Hubby discovered a large lump on my breast, large enough to be visible to the eye although under my breast where my bra goes. How neither of us noticed this before I don't know as it is 2x2 cm. A day and a half later I was at the doctors office who sent me for a mammogram. Since then, I've had yet another mammogram, several ultrasounds and won't know for certain what these lumps are. #1 has been quite helpful in regard to helping me locate the right caretakers and doctors. #2 hugs me more than usual and Hubby is treating me like I'm made of glass. I somehow have avoided freaking out.

If the news is very bad I'm going to be awfully pissed off at God for bringing me his challenge at this point in my life. I feel like I only started really living in the past couple of years. If the news is so so I'll/we'll deal. If the news is positive that's even better! This development has brought many changes to my life already. Hubby decided that I needed to tell my sisters about my lifestyle. I fought it but eventually gave in.

I'm sad about this.

So far two sisters know about my plural marriage. They told me they loved me no matter what. Then in the next conversation expressed sadness even grief that I seem to have "such low self esteem" as it was put! Asked to explain, very nicely they told me that they can't think of any other rational explaination which would allow me to "share" a man instead of having one of my own. It seems a good portion of the world shares that view. It's a view that may be true for some, but I don't think it applies to me. I know their opinion comes from the way we were brought up but nonetheless it bothers me. At the same time they acknowledge that they know Hubby takes good care of me. And that I am happy.

They also see my move to this state and this family as an escape from reality...in their minds I have run away from my former life, my children and them. One sister cries tears of sorrow that she lives too far away to be any help to me.

What to do? What to say in this situation? I have not a clue, truthfully.

I continue to work on my garden, though frustrated that the dogs and cats have wrecked some havoc. Watering the garden is like therapy for me.

I continue yoga instruction. And I continue painting.

All I would like is for life to keep going and for us all to be happy with our own lives and not judge.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

New #3,
I am so sorry that I have not caught this news until now. Life gets in the way sometimes. I will remember you in my prayers that this will pass as one of those unexplained bumps and knots we sometimes get that "just go away." I am glad that you have decided to tell your sisters and hope they will come to understand your marriage. Blass you, Cat

new#3 said...

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers Catherine..our internet friendship over time has become dear to me :)

Big Love Over Logic said...

Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Right now, my best friend is fighting breast cancer as well. She is 39 years of age and has 2 small children. The hardest part of us moving, is that I'm not going to be here or close as she continues her fight. So in a way I understand how your sisters feel.

I do not get that people think that low self esteem go hand and hand with woman who choose polygamy. For the most part I think to properly deal with jealousy issues you need higher self esteem. You have to be secure in your husbands love and know that it doesn't mean you are loved any less. The way they said, "A man of your own", makes it seem like you can 'own' people.... You can't.

Blessings, M & Scott