Monday, March 30, 2009

Suburban Polygamy #2

A typical Sunday in our house.

I get to sleep late Sunday morning because Saturday night is first wife's night, Sunday morning #2 goes to church and Sunday School with the grandbabies, and I like to give #1 and hubby some alone time before I wake up and get going, since Sunday is my day (in our godforsaken new schedule) I know I'm going to be spending alot of time with him.

Since I don't work and I don't have any classes on Sundays I try to spend time writing or painting if hubby is busy, if not we generally do some kind of shopping together. If we get out of the house early enough we might go out for lunch. #1 is off all day and 2 lately has been going to work in the mid afternoon. #1 likes to visit her parents on Sundays for a little while, or her sister who lives nearby. This is the day we might cook dinner together or just bring something in. If the weather is nice we hang out in our big yard, hopefully this summer we will swim in the pool and play with the grandkids for a while.The 16 year old usually has friends around on the weekends when he isn't at his girlfriend's house. Everything is very unstructured and relaxed here in many ways.

We both like to spend time on the computer so we'll do that together, listen to music while we do and then get ready for Sunday night tv. It's like a marathon tv session with Big Love, United States of Tara, Desparate Housewives, Brothers and Sisters and if none of that is available we'll watch a movie. Everyone is in and out all day. The teenagers, the grown kids and the wives. Errands and such are pretty much the same during Sunday although we try not to be too busy and just relax.

Errands seem to take up a lot of our time I think because there are so many of us. It's very hard to judge how much milk or bread we need to buy and a few other essentials. Other than that we are just a typical suburban family doing our Sunday thing. We don't socialize much with the neighbors but sometimes extended family stops by. I think there is a certain lonliness to Suburban Polygamy. Afterall, no one around us lives like we do. Polygamists who base their lifestyle on a religious belief have it easy that way, they have their church friends or whatever.

Hubby likes to say we live like hippies in a commune. Sometimes I like that analogy. We are in a way very self sufficient. I know much as I would like to have more friends I don't know how I would fit an active social life in!


Hidden Sage said...

I'm guessing most polygamous marriages don't really socialize with others all that much, they really don't need to. They have each other, right?

new#3 said...

HS, socializing with one's family isn't socializing it's spending time with the family, at least in my definition. You know you can't always choose your family but you can choose your friends.
For me not having as much opportunity to socialize is one of the negatives of plural marriage especially if you all live under the same roof.

MeganC said...

I'm guessing most polygamous marriages don't really socialize with others all that much, they really don't need to. They have each other, right?

I know not everyone is alike but my family connects with four other families near here and we also have connections to groups in Oregon, Washington, and Alaska so there is a lot of people to connect with if you want. I like it because I have a few wives my age to talk to about things I need to know about.

Ana said...

Hi Journey In Plural Marriage,

I've been here reading your blog and your life is very interesting. It's amazing how the Internet connects us quickly and slowly at the same time. I searched the Internet for the last two years trying to find women who were living polygamy in real life so I could determine whether I was just weird.

We have a lot in common. I love doing Yoga. Yoga has been so good for me in helping to calm my mind and help me stay focused. I meditate on God while doing yoga.

When you said you took Zanax before going to bed when you first married your hubby, I thought wow; I feel a lot of anxiety before going to bed, since my husband married his second wife. I felt the anxiety when I first married him, as well.

When you spoke of your husband's second wife who is "territorial," I thought...that is me. So, it appears you and I definitely wouldn't be getting along if we were married to the same man, living in the same house.

Thank you for adding my blog to your blog list on your page. I'm leaving my comment to you on my page, as well.

Let's try to stay as strong as we can. I like that saying, "Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger."

new#3 said...

Ana, I like that saying too. I may have used the word territorial in the wrong way. What our #2 did when I arrived here was step up her affection toward hubby with very frequent public displays of affection. Then I found out later she used my lack of doing that as a sign that I didn't love him well enough. It was just weird, but it's eased up somewhat and we have learned to live with one another...unfortunately under the same roof...something that has it's pros and cons. :) glad to make your acquaintance Ana, please comment often!

Anonymous said...

I am looking for some help :) My husband and I have been married for 10 years. About 5 months ago he fell in love with another woman. He and I seperated and at that time he began dating her. I begged him to break up with her, but he just couldn't do it. He loved her too much. But when I said I would get a divorce, he begged and begged me not to. He loved me too much. I loved him so much I couldn't bring myself to file for a divorce without him. I would pray for guidance and would always get the same answer: do not divorce him, just be patient. Last week he came to me and said that he finally got an answer to his prayer: his calling was to have both of us as his wives. He asked me to meet this woman, whom I had detested and seen as my replacement for 5 months. Something miraculous happened...she and I hit it off immediately. All of the anger and hatred turned to love. I could easily see her as my best friend and sister. HOWEVER, I am stuggling so badly with the thought of sharing the man whom I love with all of my heart. I also struggle with the thoughts of how this will effect my children. I am so torn. I love my husband so much and do not want to lose him nor do I want to not see my 5 children every day. And I do love this woman. I am not sure how to deal with this situation. How do I get past this affection of her and the thoughts of him being intimate with her and the things that they will share without me?

new#3 said...

Anonymous - w/o knowing you and the other two it's difficult to advise you well, but I would like to very much. You say you love this woman and can see yourself doing it (polygamy) - well that's a good reason to try. However, loving her will not erase jealousy. It's a difficult thing to erase and perhaps never completely goes away, but again, worth trying. I still feel pangs..not of sexual jealousy, just things that are everyday sometimes. I think that's probably normal.
You have 5 would be a good idea for you and your husband to have the children get to know this woman and learn to love her before bringing her into the family!
My last suggestion is something you and the other adults might not agree with - have your husband come home until this is all worked out! If the other woman protests too much, then I would say that SHE is ill equipped to be the 2nd wife in your family and perhaps your husband should reconsider. Men have suffered far worse than disappointment and a broken heart take it from me. If your husband refuses to come home and work all this out, most likely will have too difficult a time adjusting to a plural marriage with this woman. Therefore, you will have a sad choice to make.
Best regards and if I can be of further assistance let me know :)

Lori said...

I put my name as anonymous, but my name is Lori. Thank you for your thoughts. My husband did come home a few weeks ago with promises to break up permanently with the other woman, but alas could not. It was this inability to leave her or me that brought the three of us to meet and discuss the possibility of plural marriage. I had his "girlfriend" over last night so that we could all spend some quality time talking and she met my three younger children. They all seemed to really like her. We had dinner and just hung outuntil about midnight. This morning I felt so confused...I love her and can't picture my life without her. I know that I can pray for my feelings of jealousy (sexual and just everyday stuff) to be removed from me. My husband is begging me. He can't feel complete without me. He feels that I would be an excellent first wife. She is 10 years younger than me and is very lost in the world and I know I can help her. When she left last night she knew that he and I were going to be intimate and she struggled with it, but handled it well. I think she would be a great second wife. I see that we could possibly be very happy with each other. I don't want to But at the same time, I feel that this is wrong. Do I want to bring my children up in this type of an environment? Why do I feel so relucant? I feel like I can't do this. But what is the alternatve? NOt seeing my children everyday, and seeing the man that I love so dearly suffer without me as he struggles to be with only one of the women that he loves. And this other woman seems to have just fallen completely for me. I know I will hurt her if I leave as well. I know that I can be happy on my will just take time. It would be a peaceful life. I would miss him so much, but I miss him when he is home too, because he isn't all mine. I just am so confused.

Lori said...

Me again...I want to add that the two oldest of my children are ages 13 and 15. They are also my step children of 10 years. My daughter despises this woman because she knows that my husband was with her while we were seperated. She at least would not be accepting of this woman or this lifestyle. I am afraid that I will lose her forever. My husband feels that she will come around and as long as I tell her how happy I am, she will follow me. In addition to this, I have no idea how I would handle telling my mom and siblings. It all seems too much to bear no matter what I choose!

new#3 said...

Oh Lori, I don't know what to say except you have to be comfortable with this before you proceed. As for your daughter/step-daughter, I doubt you will lose her, like your husband said, if you're happy she will be ok. However, be prepared, children who aren't brought up in this environment can be very judgemental. As for your mom and I know how you feel..Mine don't know and because I live far from my siblings I can get away with that. Otherwise it would be a huge problem for me. I can see myself on my death bed confessing to them lol..morbid I know, but I can see them accepting it only then!
Perhaps you should have your husband read polygamy blogs so he can see what folks go through.

Trueheart12 said...


It's been a year. What have you done since April 2009?

Our society is very, very, very negative about loving more than one's spouse. Much of your anxiety is the stress of trying to shift your biases from society's to an acceptance of the poly idea.

Jealosy is almost entirely from insecurity. Your hubby's girlfriend is 10 years younger than you, and he won't give her up when you demand it of him. Of course you are insecure. You are insecure of his continuing love for you. I think with good reason.

The problem with monogamistic society is that they view a love triange as a situation where someone has to lose. If you make hubby decide between you and her, he will lose one or both of you, and one or both of you will lose him.

Alternatively, you could ask yourself, "Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a girlfriend around all the time, to share girl things, girl talk, and to gang up on hubby together with? Yes, you know it would. The down side of that closeness with a girlfriend is that she can't be so close to your and hubby without also being hubby's lover, same as you. No red blooded man and/or normal woman can be in close association every day, possibly living in the same house, and not feel sexual desires.

Naturally, if you had found a girlfriend and wanted to keep her close, so you asked hubby to accept her as a second wife, that would have been so much smoother than you deal, where hubby found a girlfriend and now wants you to accept her. That's got to be tough.

It would help if you were bi-sexual and could kiss this girl and be interested in her for yourself. That would make for a triangle relationship, instead of a Vee. I'll presume for the moment, that is not where your libido is at.

What you need to do is spend time with her alone/without hubby. First away from your house, then in your house while hubby is away. If you start to like her, and want her needs to be met; and want hubby's loving heart to have the joy of loving her too, so you feel like scheduling occasions for them to enjoy one another; then you're ready for poly marriage.

I wish you luck, love and patience. It will strain your heart and mind, but love should be shared and multiplied. This could be the start of a life of increased joy.

Tell us how it came out, please?