The rest of the year.........

Summer's almost over. That bothers me, I never feel that it's long enough - like a kid who doesn't want to go back to school, I mourn the end of summer. There are a few things I like about autumn/fall. The leaves turning beautiful colors. Crisp but not totally cold air. The smell of a school all cleaned up, polished and ready for its students. Indian summer....when and if we have one. That's about it. Otherwise, you can keep it.

Keep Halloween please; as well as that other fall holiday, Thanksgiving. Halloween because after the kids in your life are 9 years old it's just a bother. Make that 7. Thanksgiving because while I love the food spread associated with it. What's the point really? No one that I know has ever been truly thankful. They just say they are. And then there's the fact that fall leads to winter very rapidly. Humbug.

The madness of Christmas. The cold, frigid temperatures. The SNOW! The ice. Black ice. Gray unsightly days. The dreaded month of February. When I was raising children I always wondered why, oh why, give the kids a whole week off from school when it's miserable outside? Oh yeah, you can take them skiing; or if you really want to blow money you can drag them away from the bad weather to some paradise island. Fun? Maybe if you're lucky. But If I'm going to paradise young children are not who I want to bring with me. Much as I love my grandkids I am pretty sure I don't want to take them either. Tweens and teens? Good gracious, I'm not that crazy. Staying home and being miserable until spring actually sounds better.

Easter. The holiest holiday in the Christian calendar, has always been iffy for me. Honestly. Even when as a youngster, while I enjoyed the dressing up in new Easter outfits, and the family dinner with cousins and aunts and uncles, the purpose of this holiday always was a blur for me. More so than Christmas even. Is it a holy day? Are we meditating on the death and resurection of Christ; or has the Easter bunny left me enough chocolate to last a lifetime? At various stages of my life I immersed myself in to the holy part of it. Holy Thursday; Good Friday visiting what seemed like a kazillion churches with my mother; Holy Saturday Easter Vigil; and the the Easter Bunny, the bonnet, the shiny shoes, chocolate and ham. All mixed together like a hodgepodge of life. Serious yet festive. Borderline morose and the silliness of hunting for plastic Easter eggs. Just a strange holiday if you ask me. And god forbid it rains and all that festivity is spoiled. The truly one thing nice about spring is it's not cold anymore and the flowers start to bloom. That's it. Oh, and summer is on its way.

Beloved summer. Warm, hot, sticky, lazy summer. The smell of suntan lotion and salt water just never loses its appeal to me. Sand in my hair, down my bathing suit, and stuck to my feet is not at all bothersome. It's just a reminder of how nice it is outside; how little work one is expected to get done; and that this will last almost 3 months. Even chlorine smells good to me, clean in a way nothing else is clean. Long days when the sun doesn't go down until after 9 pm and when it starts its journey people stop in awe. Summer's holiday, July 4th, is passable. It's a do what you find fun kind of a day. People. No people. Beach. No beach. Barbeque. No barbeque. Fireworks or not. Truthfully, I could go on and on and on about the virtues of summer.......and now it's almost over.

Summer Musings

I am not going to complain today! That is my new mantra. I hope it helps.

My little garden~ Outside my kitchen door I have use of a small part of the yard. There is a small, very small, little slate area and then grass. The landlord said I could do whatever I want back there. So..I made a pot garden! lol Pots with plants on either side of the door. I have lavender, Italian parsley, chives, rosemary and mint on one side. On the other just 2 tomato plants and 1 eggplant. I fret over them every day and water when necessary. No weeding!!! That is the plus side to a pot garden. The downside is ...the plants don't get to big. One tomato plant has just 3 tomatos growing on it, the other has 7! And of course I have no clue as to why one is doing so much better than the other..it's almost like having children.

The beach! ~ I go to the ocean at least once a week. The bay area not so much which is odd because it's easier to get to...I don't know what I would do without the beach.

I have two sisters who haven't spoken in a while because of some rift which they aren't sure they remember. Last weekend I managed to get them together..yay me.

I see my grandchildren almost every day these days. It's lovely.

Years ago I started a Gratitude Journal. It may be something I try again. Haven't had time for painting because of the little ones, but I might be able to start some freelance web writing again. We shall see.

Happy Summer!

To The Beach!

It's been three months since I've posted here and I miss it. I miss putting my thoughts down on virtual paper and getting insightful comments from followers and friends.

So here I am. It's almost the end of June. Still have not retrieved my things but I will when I'm ready. As Older and Wiser pointed out it's just stuff.

For the past 9 months I've lived alone in a little but nice studio apartment. Luckily for me it came furnished. It's very pleasant. The landlords live in the main part of the house but are not intrusive at all. There is even a little part of the yard that is mostly just mine. When I babysit here the kiddies like to go out there and it gives me a place for my morning coffee when weather allows. But yet, it is still just one room. Not quite a home. And at times the walls close in on me. However, after a year and a half of not having a car I managed to get one! It's in good shape and didn't cost much, which is good because it is almost 10 years old. It gets me to the grocery store and doctors appointments so I love it! It was god awful having to depend on others when I ran out of milk or bread let alone needing a whole shopping list of essentials.

Being alone is something I still have to get used to.The transition from a huge household to this is taking longer than I thought it would. The constant quiet can be unsettling and I find myself leaving the television on sometimes even when I sleep. I remember my mom doing that; and I remember her thoughts on being alone after raising 5 kids and having a husband passing. I'm sorry I didn't empathize with you more mom.

One thing I am perplexed by and will go in to in another post at some point. I have not heard from either sister wife at all. Nor any of the kids.

Summer is not only officially here but the weather is co-operating on that front. This is my time of the year. I finally have wheels! To the beach I will go on a semi-regular basis....when I can. Repeat. :)

Me

I doubt I've ever mentioned some personal things about me that in retrospect may help in eventually understanding why a woman gives up everything near and dear to her to move FAR away and in to a plural marriage..although, the plural part is only part of it, as you may have realized by now.

For starters, I suffer from depression. I think throughout my life it has been an issue but became more acute as my children and I lived in an unhappy, stressful home. I never took medication for it until approximately 7 or 8 years ago. I did however occasionally see a therapist through the years. In other ways I handle stress well. I had an extremely stressful career for 15 years and for the most part was successful and enjoyed the work. Before that I worked for a small newspaper and loved, loved the grind to a deadline type of atmosphere there. I've worked on political campaigns and trust me they are more stressful than you can imagine. Anyway, I have depression. I have been off the meds for about 3 months now and have noticed that little things, like one of my adult children having a problem (not necessarily a big problem btw) can trigger weeping. So I'm on a search for a doctor. I need a doctor here in this location anyway.

I am indecisive. Please don't ask me to pick the restaurant or the flight time or anything else. Give me at the most 2 choices! Better yet, you decide. Because of this I think parts of my life have been left to others. If you read older posts you'll see how that has affected me. For instance, not moving in to my own house when I joined hubby and his 2 other wives. BIG MISTAKE.

I have trouble letting things go. Getting better at this when it comes to small stuff but still I have a tendency to go on and on about some things, especially in my head. This as you can imagine sometimes leads to insomnia, and lately along with my cancer medication and my age... I worry.

I hate the cold! Hate it. One of the things I looked forward to when I moved across the country 3 and a half years ago was the warmer climate. In a perfect world I would live in Mexico. I'm a beach person, unfortunately where I moved to was far from any beach. Now I'm near the ocean but the weather has turned. I used to like autumn but not so much anymore I'm discovering. I am a summer person.

I wrote for a living for quite a long time and thus sometimes I just want to write and write. So sorry to bore you with all this personal, not really poly type stuff. Did I mention I miss my real breasts?

Arrived

I'm here. Away from hubby, the wives, kids and grandkids, and with my "other" family. It's better in some ways for me and in some ways it's not. It is what it is. It's been a couple of weeks now and still no routine, I still feel like a visitor and I am.

Honestly, the worst part is the grandkid. I miss the ones I left behind, very much. Young children aren't great telephone talkers. The new ones go on with their lives just with a new person in it. Me. Frankly, they don't know me.

I crave the beach. I am a fish out of water. No one has time to go with me.. I'm sad to see summer ending.

On the positive side, right now I have my own bathroom!!!! :) That is no small thing when you've been sharing with so many people for what seems like an eternity!!!

Decisions

I'm going with the poll results and going to incorporate the breast cancer into this polygamy blog. I may do a separate one also at some point.

Yesterday Hubby and I went to see the first breast surgeon I'm interviewing. #1 met us there. This is the surgeon I'm doubtful about but she turned out to be very nice. In my heart though I still have the nagging feeling I need another opinion. So I have an appointment with another surgeon in a few days..Someone highly recommended and with lengthy credentials and lots of years of experience. The problem is she's an hour or more away. This will be a big decision and a difficult one to make.

The good news is this doctor didn't feel that the cancer has spread. She said she can't be one hundred percent sure but she's pretty positive.

Here's the difficult thing about being in a plural marriage - it's hard to be selfish and self serving. But when you don't feel well, that's what you want to be. When you're scared that's what you want to be. When you're angry that's what you want to be. When you're sad that's what you want to be. More than ever I want Hubby to myself, but at the same time I'm grateful when someone else goes somewhere with him so I can sit at the computer and write, or hang out in my room and cry or nap.

Here's the good thing about being in a plural marriage - there are other people to do chores! It's hard to be depressed when surrounded by people laughing, swimming and in general having a good time.

Don't you just love summer? I love summer. Summer here is hot as hell but you can count on the sunshine which is great! It's always been my favorite time of the year. I feel younger, healthier and prettier in the summer. I don't get winter people.

I've been working on a garden in the area #2 wanted a new garden, it's been rough going because I got a late start and because the cats got to it, but Hubby's nephew is helping me now so hopefully something will grow and bloom there :)

Example of quirky difficulty in a plural marriage:

Buying beach or pool towels. I know that sounds stupid, and it is. I decided the four of us needed two towels each. Sounds simple. Of course they have to be different so you can tell which are yours. Try pleasing everyone... For some reasons a little decision like that can result in conflict believe it or not! I guess I still feel the need to please everyone. Hubby has been complaining lately that he always feels like he has to please so many people at the same time. I know what he means.

Anyway, I'm lousy at decisions in general. Breast cancer involves many decisions. This part is going to be rough.

A learning experience for all of us

I think I shall write books, and get rich and famous; that would suit me, so that is my favorite dream. Louisa May Alcott

I'm loving the quote of the day on my blog! As a child Louisa May Alcott was my favorite author and a heroine to me. I completely wore out my copy of Little Women! I saw myself as her...writing books and becoming rich and famous. Can you imagine that?! Instead I blog lol..

So today I'm going to tell you about this neat thing that was #2's idea and it's going to be great! We have an old wooden shed in the yard that she's been working on, and with the help of a contractor relative it will be airconditioned, water proof and all..it will be finished before the summer so that's a good thing. It will be our little hideaway, private space if we need it, or a place to share if we need that too. We both write, I paint and she has hobbies. So does #1 so it will kind of be a hobby place! Hubby takes photographs and wants to start doing portraits so he'll set up a portable studio in there for that. I really think it will work out to be very nice, enlarge our living space and maybe even be something to bond over :)

I named this blog, My Journey....because that's what it is. A journey, a learning experience. But not just for me, for all of us. OK well maybe mostly for me since I'm new lol..I think it is going to be a wonderful summer this year.