Saturday, June 25, 2011

Next Phase

I don't know who of my old readers still look for my blog, some have stopped writing theirs. I hope this reaches some of them, and for the new readers please note..unless you read my whole blog you may misunderstand some of this.
I haven't written in quite a while. Some of this is due to that after becoming ill with breast cancer I just didn't have the energy to keep up with a blog. Some is due to the fact that I really don't want to be negative about polygamy. I am an avid follower of the TV series "Sister Wives" and I think it is true enough to be able to assume that it is totally possible to be happy in a plural marriage. It just depends on the participants.
That said. I am unhappy. At the on set of my illness I had great hope that this living situation would enable me to have more than my fair share of comfort and support. I found unfortunately that it was quite the opposite.
Hubby just was totally freaked out about the possibility of my dying (unreasonably so in my opinion). Wife #1 was a wonderful caretaker, she is in the medical field, works in an outpatient surgical facility, and was not squeamish at all about caring for me physically. Wife #2was at first distant and took to caring after the freaked out hubby, but eventually came around to where I have to admit we became closer. The problems began after surgical recovering and after chemotherapy started. The medicines in chemotherapy have many affects on the patient, not all of them are physical. I became quite cranky, and selfish. This is a house of many people, my patience was not up to par. Even though the married children live in another house, they spend a great deal of their time here in this house, and their children for all intent and purposes live here. They have had a third child. In any event, everyone more or less lost their patience with me. Especially #1 and hubby. Yes hubby.
That said, I will also let you know dear reader if you don't already, that a post menopausal, post chemotherapy patient who is currently taking post chemo medications goes through physical changes (probably emotional changes too). Not only am i self conscious of my new fake breasts, but I have other difficulties that are directly related to intimacy as well. Couple all of that with hubby's inability to feel physically close to me because he looked at me as a "patient" and you can only imagine what has happened. An almost irreparable schism in our physical and emotional relationship.
Now to be honest, none of this is uncommon in couples who have been through what we have been through. However, take in to account that we share a bedroom only 2x a week, and that many of those nights are also shared by a toddler who has sleep separation can get the idea.
I don't know what will become of us, truthfully. I am moving out temporarily to relatives across the country. Not in anger but out of necessity, we have a family emergency there that I must pay attention to. I am concerned though that it will force the end of what once was a beautiful dream.