Tuesday, December 30, 2008

A trilogy of haiku for Christmas...I hope you enjoy

A Christmas morning
smiles and laughter fill the air
small children and joy

Christmas mornings
bring memories of the good times
the sadness escapes

Bright and shiney times
shared with loved ones and best friends
Christmas morning love


Christmas! I have always had ambivalent feelings toward Christmas..I love it and I hate it all at once..I have to say though, Hubby makes a wonderful Christmas, unlike some other men I've known, he is really in to the preparations which makes it a whole lot easier for everyone! Clean up of wrapping paper and dinner dishes is much easier with more hands on deck too. Although three women trying to get along in one kitchen is a sight to see and can get loud.

The kitchen is my purview, mine and Hubby's, but everyone helps during the holidays, thank goodness.

I've added a new tradition to the family. They have always taken the decorations down on the 26th or 27th...we are going to wait this year until the Feast of the Epiphany, January 6th, is over. No one has complained yet, so thankfully this is smooth going so far!

This is not unlike trying to melt two families together after a divorce and someone remarries, only it's three times the melting. So anyone who thinks the women in plural marriages complain too much or bring up the negatives too often, has only to think of that analogy..We aren't necessarily unhappy, it's just constant adjusting and things to adapt to is all..There are blessings along the way which make it worth it.

Last year we stayed home on New Year's Eve, I hope that's the case this year..so much easier and less complicated. I've never been a have to go out on New Year's Eve person.

Happy Holidays to everyone!

Thursday, December 18, 2008


This is the second Christmas I'm not in my old home town with family and friends. My fourth Christmas not spent with my entire family, and for some reason this is the worst one yet.
We are all getting along famously here so that's not it. The only one criticising the way I do things is you know who, and I can't help that. I'm just sitting here wondering when I will if ever have the money to send for my children for the Holidays, or when will I ever get back there for a holiday, or when I will get used to being part of a new family. You see everything isn't always about polygamy. Sometimes it's just about a new marriage. Hubby god bless him is very good at holidays, if he weren't I would be miserable. He has one steadfast rule..no arguing or fighting during holiday time..wow it's wonderful. :)

I got most of my gifts mailed off so that's a good thing.

Melting into a new family sucks frankly. It's difficult but it's coming along. The second son, the high schooler I think is back in my court and has come to realize why he liked me in the first place. He is the one with all the poly questions. The other night he asked us the adults to all turn off the tv to ask us a question. He said his girlfriend wanted to know if any of us ever wished we were the only wife. #2 said sometimes, #1 was already asleep in their room, and I said nothing. He continued to say that his gf hopes he doesn't ever want to be polygamous and he told her NEVER! lol..

Oldest son well, he resents another person coming between he and his dad, another woman to compete for his dads attention or conversation.

Middle son could care less lol

The grandbabies feel like they are mine but I still miss the biological ones big time. I miss staying up all night and talking with my oldest kid, I miss my youngest's hugs. Heck I even miss his bitchy wife sometimes. lol

The friend issue is so unresolved. I've never had so few friends outside family. It feels unreal but I think it's a tough thing to make and keep friends in this situation other than job place friends. #1 comes close to being like a friend and a sister. #2 doesn't understand that if all she lives and breathes for is hubby than how can we be like sisters or best friends? Does anyone else find that kind of thing troublesome to them in their plural marriage?
Don't get me wrong, out of everyone I am closest to hubby and love him to death..but I'm used to having gfs to confide in, shop with, even watch tv with, have a glass of wine and be girly with.

Ah, the Holidays. They get you thinking and sometimes even a bit melancholy. But we can't live without them.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Some of my thinking has changed about plural marriage

This process has changed me for the better in a lot of respects. However my beliefs about polygamy have also changed somewhat. I thought, naively, that the best way to enter in to a polygamous marriage was through the "romantic" way. WRONG! That is probably the most difficult way to begin this journey.

At least that is what I have come to believe. Let me tell you why if I can..

I believe in romance. It concerns me when I hear about people who are in arranged marriages or marriages of convenience. Romantic love, I have always believed, is the heart and soul of a marriage. In some ways I still believe that but for a plural marriage it is the one thing through which difficulty arises, making sexual jealousy, compromise, sharing everything, children, legalities, housework, all pale.

Now I have truly come to believe that this is a situation best entered in to through the hearts of the women. When women in a marriage choose as best as they can, the new member of the family. Are you shocked at me? You see, I just can't bring myself to "love" #2 in a way that would make life easier around me. She annoys the hell out of me. Sorry. I've learned to get along with her. I even can tolerate her incessant talking more than before, and frankly I think she has come to respect that I can't LISTEN constantly. I rarely find a person I can't be friends with, but I have found one in her. I really am I swear, a pretty tolerant person. But this woman has so many character flaws, and immature qualities, that there is no way I would have ever chosen to spend this much time with her. I've probably said this all before but it bears repeating simply because I've also noted that there have been some improvements. The thing is, if you are going to live in the same house with someone who has NO OTHER LIFE, and they are totally dependent on you and hubby for conversation and entertainment, you best adore her company!

The thing is hubby DOES adore her company. He admits she annoys him. He'll admit she's a dingbat, matter of fact that is the family's nick name for her. He'll admit that she is childish and irresponsible. That she manipulates people into getting her own way even about simple things. But I can tell he enjoys her company, even though he doesn't enjoy her chatter. The reason is plain, she worships him. However, that is one of the qualities I find so annoying. I mean WORSHIP. She refuses to do anything but utter compliments and criticises me for having the nerve to occasionally say things like "dear, I don't think you want to do that" or "Honey, wouldn't it be better if we did this tomorrow." Or, when he asks for opinion, she always agrees with him even if in private she'll mutter disagreement to herself. YUCK.

He even knows she isn't sincere. I THINK. Everyone in the family seems to see it anyway. But there you have it. My reason I would never choose her for a sister wife, or agree to have her here if she wasn't already here before me. And honestly, I'm sad about it. For the first time in my life, I find myself wanting to pray for help about something that isn't tragic, just annoying on a constant basis. What am I praying for? Not her poofing into thin air - but her changing just a little.

I mean she complained ferociously that I was allowed to put stuffing in to a Turkey (we made 2) for Thanksgiving, when it had never been done before in this family to her knowledge and she apparently asked to do it 16 years ago. (bear in mind no one will eat her cooking) She was yelling about it 2 days after the fact! Like a spoiled child who didn't get her way but someone else did. By the way, she likes stuffing cooked in the bird but she couldn't bring herself to enjoy it even though she ate it and didn't comment on whether or not she liked it. I mean REALLY.

I'm not giving up, but I know one thing for sure. If somehow someday I decide I made a big mistake by coming here and adopting this lifestyle, and I decide to leave, she will be the reason. I pray that doesn't happen.

Sorry if this post seems to be more of a rant. I need guidance from an experienced sister wife who has had similar experiences. I'm hoping I'm not alone.

I still believe in romance, I just think it's way more complicated in a plural marriage than I ever imagined and maybe it's best to have the romance come after becoming friends with the wives :)

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Kids Growing Up

Our youngest son is sixteen. The age when boys are perhaps at their most sexually curious, if not active. He told me the other day that the first time he saw his father kiss me he felt uncomfortable. It made me a little sad. He has never lived in anything but a plural family. When he was born, #2 was already here, and she had a big part in helping to raise him. I'm hoping his uncomforableness stems from the lengthy period of time between #2 and then my arrival. He has a girlfriend now and since having one he has become more open and communicative. I think the young lady asks questions about our lifestyle. She's a sweet girl.

None of hubby's sons (the only children who live here) are at all interested in living in polygamy. They don't "judge" it they just say it's not for them. I wonder if this is really so or if it is because our family's lifestyle isn't based on religious belief or salvation. As far as I know the married son has no desire for another wife, and she has out and out said she wouldn't want to share him. The middle son accepts our lifestyle but openly says he thinks it's "weird". When pushed to explain, he says things like: Why would anyone want that? In other words, no concrete answer. The young man with the new girlfriend says things like he just can't imagine loving more than one person.

So why do they reject how we live? This is something that weighs on hubby's mind. I think he worries that somehow they have been unhappy with his and his first wife's decision to have a plural marriage. Do we seem unhappy to them? I highly doubt that. To be honest, I think the two biggest negatives are the "out of the norm" way of life, and main streamed kids don't like to be different from their friends. The other negative would be lack of privacy. It is almost physically impossible to have secrets (not that I want any) and it seems as though everyone knows when Dad sleeps with who. I've mentioned bathrooms before and it sounds petty but it seriously isn't when you are a teenager, or even a middle aged woman like myself. A bigger house might help.

I think those two so called problems are even worse than the friendship issue. By the way, the poll indicated an even split among folks who voted. So the question of whether or not one can have a "normal" social life is still a big question.

But back to the kids. I believe I mentioned that they don't keep this secret for us. That indicates that they aren't embarassed or ashamed. But they still seem to reject the lifestyle for themselves. I think more pragmatically. I think how lucky they have been to always have a parent figure at home. In the past, the three adults more or less took turns depending on various things, either working from home or not going to work so someone would be here for the kids. That was a financial sacrifice. I think, they are very fortunate now to have built in babysitting for their young children, and a lovely home that we collectively bought so they could live nearby. Things like that. The neighbors tolerate us and have at times been friendly. The people next door over the years have invited this family to special gatherings in their home. There has really been no ostracism, in the neighborhood or at school. Hubby's extended family is warm and welcoming to all of us and they live nearby.

There are other practical matters that are positive too. For instance tonight Hubby wanted to watch a movie I had no inclination or desire to watch. But hey, not my night! lol :) Stupid things like I don't have to watch any Science Fiction or Star Wars stuff. I only have to cook every other night! Someone else makes sure the bills are all paid. It's really nice that I don't have to worry about that.

So what do you think the kids are rejecting?

Monday, November 10, 2008

Added a figet and ready to roll...life lately :)

As the seasons change and the holidays approach I've been doing some reflecting on life lately. What a couple of years I've had!

Married into a plural family, left my job and fast paced lifestyle, moved across the whole country, became a step parent and a grandmother almost all at once! It's no wonder my head still spins sometimes. As each obstacle or challenge comes it is dealt with but wow, it is still dizzying sometimes! Please take note~ I didn't say it was negative.

Oh there are still a few issues but I am starting to feel ready to deal with them in a better more positive light.

Life lately is good overall. The hippy commune/college dormitory style of living here isn't all that terrible, really it isn't. Would I still LOVE to have my own bathroom? Well of course! Doesn't everyone want one? :)

My relationship with my sister wives is getting closer. I have come to accept that #2 and I will probably always have issues, but we do have some things in common, I just have to focus on those things somewhat more. We both love comedy, things from "back home," we are both resistent to change in general, and we both love this family! Her lack of boundaries remains the largest issue, but I don't think it's possible to change another human being, and the Serenity Prayer comes in very handy at certain times. :)

Truth be told, right now my largest concern has little to do with the sister wives, the hubby, and more to do with ME. I am a social person. I am given to recluse when depressed, or lacking funds, but I have always had a bevy of friends and acquaintances to call upon for conversation, debate, hugs, and fun.

The other day, I mentioned to hubby that I don't know how I will ever make friends here. His response was to get a part-time job. Easier said than done. I tried for a while. I was either over qualified, too old (yes I know that shouldn't matter but ask anyone who has experienced age discrimination, it exists), or there was nothing available that I was qualified to do! I gave up, but I will go back to looking.

I'm not sure that is the answer though. I wish I knew what the answer is. The plural lifestyle is inhibiting. I don't want my family to be a "curiosity" for acquaintances I make or friends I cultivate. I honestly don't know how to handle this particular problem. Also, all my life I have had friends of every persuasion, color, sexual orientation and gender. No one else in this family has friends of the opposite sex for instance. I can foresee it being problematic. But I may be worrying about nothing.

The largest obstacle to outside friendships though is the lack of privacy to entertain. This isn't a small house, but there are alot of people in it. Plus there would have to be a certain level of trust in the friendship before I would consider inviing folks over. The friendships that already exist here are long standing, none of them 'my" friendships. Sometimes I see where the people who live on compounds have it easier in that regard..ONLY in that regard though. If you've ever watched Big Love on HBO, you can see that the women have few if any outside friends, there is the one plural family they associate with and that's basically it. The teenagers have limited friendships and poor Margene wanted Pam the neighbor, for a friend which worked out badly. I think it's a fair portrayal of the social interaction in plural lives.

On the plus side, it almost is impossible to be lonely!

If anyone has any advice, counsel or commentary on this subject I would love to hear it.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Blogging Issues

I haven't posted in almost a month, not because I've had nothing to say, but more because I find it hard lately to choose where to start, or what topic to choose. Also there is the issue of comments.

Sometimes I get what I consider to be quite a few comments. Yay, someone is reading! Then other times no comments at all. Boo! No one likes me so why bother..lol bloggers are sensitive people!

The worst however are the comments I don't want to publish. Go ahead and criticize me if that is what floats your boat. Tell me that you think this lifestyle is nuts, too hard, not for you, goes against your religious beliefs, makes you skeeve etc. Tell me you think I'm an idiot even. But please don't degrade others who read and comment here. That's a no no. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and beliefs in my book.

Then, recently, I got a very nasty comment that I rejected w/o thought. It was unnecessarily rude and borderline obscene. Basically it was this:

"Do you enjoy sharing a penis?" This was written by anonymous, of course.

Now you say, why share it now? Mostly because I am illustrating the type of comment that will be rejected. But there is something else.

Polygamy isn't about sex. As a matter of fact, of all my three marriages I've had since a young woman, this is the least amount of sex I've ever had.

Polygamy is mostly about our family. The blending of our families. It is about taking care of the children and fostering a home filled with love and compassion. The adults here all probably go out far less than in monogamous families. There is always someone home except on rare occasion.

Polygamy is about love, not lust, and not religion at least not in this family. It is about loving a man enough to share him. Some of you may not understand that.

In my case, polygamy is about coming to a point in my life where I don't need a husband all to myself to have on my arm like a trophy. I don't need to have a husband to define my identity.

Is it always easy? No. As a person I once admired often said, If it were easy, everyone would do it.
Is it always fun? Hell no. But often times it is.
Is it always peaceful. Ha Ha Ha! Only today when someone went to move one of the cars and found that another person had carelessly forgotton to put away a tarp and left it beside it beside the car and under one wheel - they discovered one of the cats in the process of giving birth inside the tarp and behind a wheel. There are many times I look at hubby and remark...You couldn't make this stuff up, we should be a bad sitcom :) Funny times, remarkable times, loud times and sometimes sad times. We juggle time, meals, the bathrooms, the television, the nights out. We are not always disciplined. And sometimes someone will be brought to tears out of frustration, other times out of joy.

We are not unlike every family except if we all want to go to Six Flags at once, well..it's sitcom time!

So dear anonymous reader,

If you choose to be vulgar, degrading or anything similar, your comment won't be published. If you choose to use my page to insult one of my readers, you won't be published. It's that simple.

I'm sorry if repeating the latest rude comment has offended anyone but I figure we are adults and have heard that word before.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Schedules...a necessary evil?

I am reprinting a post I wrote back in July. when the "schedule" we had was something like this..I had Mondays and Wednsdays, #2 had Thursday and Fridays, #1 had Tuesday and Saturdays and we alternated Sundays. The whole schedule concept was MY idea in the first place. Remember dear reader, basically I had moved in to a home that was reminiscent of a 1960's "hippy" bohemian lifestyle. As with anything new or different, it takes time to make the necessary adjustments..this post points that out!

I've Had it With The Damn Schedule! - July 25
Yes you read the title of topic of this post correctly. I've had it with the damn schedule. Not that it's going to change anytime in the next millenium but I'm going to make a valid attempt ... any day now.

See, the schedule was brought up by me. Validated by me. Now, I see the mistakes in it but I don't know that anyone else does. I finally had a screaming match with S the other night and boy oh boy did it feel GOOD. I'm not ashamed to say that either. She and I have been getting along better, some. I've been trying and she's been trying and maybe I've learned how to tune her out, some. However...... change is not something she takes to. I thought I had a problem with change! Compared to her I'm practically a chameleon. It may just be the one characteristic she and R have in common. The hatred of change.

T's dad was having surgery on Monday and on Monday and Tuesday (her night) she was staying at her parent's house about an hour away to help out. Wednsday is my night, when she would be returning. So I offered to switch with her so she wouldn't miss one of her days this week. Later on Tuesday when S came home from work I told her that T and I had worked it out this way and she was all well not upset but questioning it and didn't seem happy. Later that night when T called R and reminded him and told him about the switch he said he didn't know we had worked it out and wished we had informed him earlier. "Now S has to sleep alone two nights in a row, she's not going to be happy." Well. A "discussion"broke out between T, me and S wiht T on the phone. It wasn't pleasant. S kept saying how she wasn't "used" to sleeping alone two nights in a row, etc. I blew my top at her. R, wisely, stayed out of it.

My thinking now is to say the schedule stinks and needs to be revisited and instead of actual days of the week, have the schedule be every other night, or third night. And this way, no one always has Saturday or Friday night etc.

T agrees with me. But I fear she is the only one. No, I know she is the only one.

So, we shall see how long it takes me to convince S of the fairness of this new kind of schedule. Don't let's hold our breath.

Intellectually I still believe in a schedule, and emotionally too. It just isn't easy to stick to it all the time.

Since writing that post, I suceeded in getting the schedule changed to an every third night type of schedule. Much, Much better :) HOWEVER, both hubby and #2 get confused or annoyed or upset, whenever anyone requests a switch or change of any kind. Jeesh! Frankly, I don't care. The schedule we are on now is much happier, and fairer! If you don't already know, the schedule means this in our house - if it's your day/night, and you are home, you supposedly get some quality alone time with hubby...a movie perhaps, just sitting talking, a shopping trip for groceries or sundries, maybe a dinner out or a lunch, watching a tv show, whatever floats your collective boat. You also sleep together that night. Bear in mind that in a family this size, if alone time wasn't scheduled it may never happen :)

Monday, September 29, 2008

Missing things...a trip

I miss my kids. I miss my old friends. And I even miss parts of my old single life, especially my solitude in the morning. All of that is normal. I've only actually lived in my new home for 5 months.

Being a step parent is rewarding on the one hand but not the same at all as being a parent. I don't care how much you love them, like them or they you.

I've known these new kids of mine for quite a while. I'm not new to them, I'm just new to their home. Parenting is such a difficult issue. Such a difficult job. I'm not so sure I did such a great job with my own birth children to be honest. They are good people. So in that I was successful. Their love lives are a mess, which I blame on their not having a good model growing up. They have soft hearts. They aren't greedy or spoiled, not now anyway. But I'm sure growing up they had some excess material possessions even though we tried not to overdo it. I wasn't a great disciplinarian but I wasn't totally easy either. They got grounded, privileges taken away when necessary. Sent to their rooms and spanked on occasion. I don't believe in corporal punishment but it happens especially when a young child does something dangerous in disobedience.

In this house I live in, I had no input into how the kids were raised. It's an odd feeling. I think because of this, their is a lack of connection. So when one of the teenage boys said recently that he would take care of any of his moms if we were sick, I felt good about that.

It's a different thing, this non birth mother love especially when it's so new. It's like a friendship and yet it's not. It's like a mom feeling and yet it's not. For some reason Hubby calls on me to support him in his discipline of his kids. The other two moms not as much. It's something about one of them being too easy and the other one being too stern. It's not a great position to be in but in a way it has helped blend us faster than not.

I'm going to see my kid and some other family for 7 nights! It makes me both happy and sad. I miss my kids...I said that before. But I will miss these kids here too and really, really miss the grandkids.

I will miss Hubby. I will talk to him several times a day I"m sure and I will talk to #1 once a day or two. Last time I was gone, I didn't really talk to #2 and don't expect to this time. Yesterday I felt close to her as if our friendship and sister feelings were finally happening. Tonight, I just want to grrrrrr...nothing big, just very very annoyed. I wonder if we will ever adjust to each other completely.

I was hoping that because I'm going to be away for 6 nights and they each were getting an extra night during that time, that one of them would have thought to offer me tomorrow and the next (my last night home)...nope, not. Sigh. Hubby says I wouldn't either but I would like to think I would. He says the jealousies between me and #2 would never allow it. I would like to think that I wouldn't let that stop me from being a generous, good person.

But, I miss my kids and I'm going to get to see at least one of them and I'm not going to let negativity spoil the happy feeling I have inside :) And I will miss my family here, the toddler hugs and kisses, the highschooler with the new girlfriend, the not having to cook except when hubby doesn't, lots of things...... but I'll be coming back very soon.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

It's Been A Year of blessings mostly

It's been a year since I joined this family as the third wife. And what a year it's been! I willingly admit it hasn't always been easy or happy. But it's been an adventure, a satisfying one. Hubby tries very, very hard to make this a united and happy family. He is most tolerant and takes on much of the emotional burden and every day stress for all of us. This can leave us worried about him, his physical and mental health, as stress can be unhealthy.

I think we have a good marriage. We have two marriages, no we have ten marriages in total if you think about it. There is the marriage of two people (three of those) and then the marriage in total, giving each wife two marriages and hubby four. Wow. If you think about it that way, no wonder it's difficult at times. Think of how difficult just one marriage can be. I was in two monogamous marriages (well officially monogamous) before and believe me, it wasn't always easy.

But don't get me wrong here. It's also very enjoyable at times. During this year I moved in. That was an exciting time! I got to know two women much better than I had before. That wasn't always easy. I got in return for my efforts, three step children, a daughter - in - law and two step grandchildren. All of that in addition to my own brood of two plus a new grandchild. So my family has gotten much, much larger. I now get daily hugs and kisses from people of all ages!!

I am grateful in a way that isn't always tangible. I complain, I whine, I lament about compromise, sharing, noise, messiness, and lack of privacy. A recent anonymous poster commented on 3rd's blog that they are amazed at how plural women act as though they are shocked/surprised at their lot in life, or words to that affect. Well, yes duh. So what? To be honest here, there is no way one could prepare for all this unless they were born in to polygamy, and I wasn't. Would I choose this lifestyle for one of my children? I've been asked that question and the answer is probably not. Just as I wouldn't choose for one of my children to be "gay". But not because I disapprove of it, it is because it isn't for everyone and isn't the easiest path in life.

Am I always miserable and unhappy, hell no! I have a kind, considerate, and sometimes very romantic husband and a wonderful extended family. I have everything I need in life...well I could use more privacy, but nothing is absolutely perfect now is it?

Life is good. It beats the alternative and it's better than before.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

If a man needs 3 wives to get to the celestial kingdom, is that the right number?

How many wives should it take to make a man content and happy? I'm not a mormon and neither is anyone in our family, but it is a discussion we have occasionally. Hubby thinks 4 but then he'll turn around and agree that he couldn't handle a 4th lol. I think my question is really, why would a man even think about more wives? Hell, I wouldn't if I were a man.

Women are complicated people. Cliche as it sounds, men are from mars women are from venus. It takes practice understanding each other. It takes work keeping each other happy. Thus a husband with many wives has much to do.

I sometimes think Hubby could use a break. It's not just about sex this happiness thing either. 3rd lady touched on it in her blog recently. It's little things. Personalities. Emotional things. Time, togetherness. It's a demanding job.

#2 for all her faults believes in the marriage as a whole. She's probably right. And religious polygamists would surely agree with her most likely. Like tonight she wanted to have a night where all of us did something together. Unfortunately it's difficult to force that, and oops I fell asleep during the movie we were all watching!

I've heard people say that someday it will all come together and blend and we will find a rythmn to our collective marriage. Hopefully so. lol but each time a wife is added the rythmn becomes interrupted and the balance gets thrown off. So why continue to add?

Then there is the financial aspect. The time aspect, that damned calendar!

If you want my opinion and shush don't spread this around, two is the ideal number. Managable and not over done so to speak. But I"m a 3rd so I should just keep quiet on that one. The third, according to hubby and the rest of the family is supposed to create the balance emotionally. Lessen the burden on hubby to a degree. I sure hope I do that. But in my efforts to do that I find myself feeling edgy, sort of needing hugs a lot.

OUr 16 year old calls me the "cool" one. Not his Mom Mom, nor his #2 mom, just his new mom. Somehow he likes that. The oldest doesn't really like all these moms around I sense. He doesn't say it, but I think he is a born monogomist and will always be.

I think a 4th is too much to ask of the kids at this point. Perhaps if they were younger it would be different.

Anyway, I'm rambling ~ it's something I do when my mind bubbles with thoughts.

I put a poll up on the subject.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Yesterday everyday

Yesterday was my birthday!

I have found celebrations in plural marriage to be somewhat complicated emotionally and logistically, but was pleasantly surprised yesterday.

NO ONE is better at birthdays than hubby. I would challenge anyone.
First, he let me sleep. The night before he came into my room very late to ask what my favorite meal was. I don't have one and he knows this but thought perhaps he had just missed it. lol...
I knew we didn't have the money to go out, so I told him to just make anything he thought I would like.
Then, after I awoke, he wouldn't let me tidy up as I usually do and even made a point of leaving me alone to write without interruption.

Near dinner, he made me a romantic, aromatic whirlpool bath complete with candles and soothing music.

Dinner was delicious as always and he went out of his way to try a couple of new dishes to make the dinner special. Also baked me a cake!

After dinner, hubby feeling disappointed that we didn't go to Mexico for my birthday as we had for the past few years, made some margarittas and sat outside with me for a couple of hours just enjoying the coolish evening.

Then, instead of 3 or 4 am, he came to bed early.

It was a lovely day.
It was the first day since coming here to live in April, that I have felt special and as close to him as I did during our courtship.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Funny in a Plural Marriage Kind of way

So I have mentioned before that all three wives here have agreed and told Hubby that 3 is enough! There just aren't enough days in the week to divide him anymore, even though we all live under one roof and see him everyday. We agree, he teases about it, then he'll say he's just kidding etc. But I do feel badly sometimes because I know he would like another child and I can't give him one.

Last night was my night and we went to bed very, very late in the wee hours of the morning. At about 7:30 am Hubby woke and said he would be right back. At about 9:30 #2 opened my door and said we had surprise company, a cousin that just moved back here, and hubby was visiting with her. Well, to be honest I didn't know if she (the cousin) knew or not about our lifestyle so I decided to stay in my room. During that time, #1 called from work to say that someone needed to pick up the 16 yr old from school because he was sick. Hubby said well I can't because I'm busy interviewing #4 for the job and she wants to talk to you. Cousin got on the phone in the sexiest voice she could muster and said hello I'm looking forward to meeting you tonight what time will you be home? #1 replied, late, very LATE. Then of course Hubby grabbed the phone and told her who it was LOL.

As #1 said, funny in a plural marriage kind of way. We all had a good laugh though.

And laughs have been hard to come by for me lately.

Today is #2's day off and luckily for her, her day with Hubby. Yes, she considers the whole day to be her day even though we live under one roof and I'm retired. She's weird that way, it stems from before I got here and she would have a week day off that #1 didn't have so she would have him all to herself from morning through night. Then I move here and I'm retired, hubby works from home, and she thinks I have all this "spare" private time with him. Not taking into consideration the kids, the kids friends, the grandkids I babysit etc. So on her day, the grandkids don't come over, she dresses all pretty and sits around, not doing housework until a day comes that's not "hers" and she is off. This puts me in an unfunny frame of mind lol. Consequently the day starting off with a joke was a nice thing :)

I don't know whether I'm just naturally selfish or just a cranky person but living like this under one roof does get in my craw at time. I am starting to think though that some spirituality might help me cope.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Right before moving in..my story continued

This post I made on a different site that concentrated on the decision and my move..you may find it interesting and hopefully it explains more background and contains some things I have learned up till now :)

3 days till D day
Mar 18, 2008
It's Tuesday. Friday all that I have weeded through and left to be moved across the country, will be picked up. So here I sit. In the middle of several piles, stagnate and trying to push myself. This is driving hubby crazy. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry he and #2 think it represents a hesitance on my part, because that just isn't so. I've made decisions..something I truly dislike doing. Saturday I will drive to RI bringing along some of my youngest son's things he left behind here. I will drop off my car so that it will be there for me when I return to RI when the baby is born. ~ I need something to find an internet cafe with afterall..lol~ I will also either give him the car or sell it up there. Ok so that decision isn't quite made. I will return to NY to pick up my last paycheck, and fly out from here, on the 27 or 28th. And I am EXCITED and joyful and sad all at once. Is it possible that men can't multi-task emotions ? I am ready to meet the challenges head on. Thank goodness for a level headed First wife! And for kids who seem to genuinely be happy I am arriving! And for a husband who is trying very hard to make me happy! And for a 2nd wife I can disagree with. I'm feeling a Serenity prayer coming on lol.. Speaking of #2, she asked for the phone the other night when she heard hubby say he was unhappy with my indecision, my seemng to him to be some hesitance etc etc... Oh man, I didn't like that. I'm sorry to all of you that love the bible but please don't quote it to me when it comes to relationships. Is that harsh of me? Maybe, but heck I can't be easy going and tolerant 24/7 lol. This is so difficult this move. I've learned things about friendships that are both good and bad. I've learned that you really can't depend on anyone else but yourself. I've learned that I am a horder..honest I didn't know that about myself. And I'm feeling my age in ways I can't describe. I am longing to be like one of Fen's young girls. Ready, willing and playful. And so desired that I can do no wrong. On the other hand I am learning that I am resilient more than I had thought. That I have a family larger than I had thought. And that I am vital to my larger family. That I can do this! I don't even think that the jealousy thing is going to be as difficult as I originally thought. Something seems to happen inside polygamy that transcends it. Oh it will be there I'm sure. But it may even become laughable. You take three women, all with different, VERY DIFFERENT, relationships with one man and for some unknown reason I THINK what happens is you start to enjoy the complexity of the man and his abilities. Is that possible really? Yes I think so. At any rate, here it is 3 days till D day and I'm on the computer. Some things never change. Procrastination is genetic I think and I am passing it on to the next generation. But am I sad about that. Not really. We are none of us perfect, and it is a far cry better than passing on psychosis. I see in my boys, hearts big as the ocean. I hope I had something to do with that. So my friends, I'm not sure I will be adding another blog post until I am settled in but ya never know!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Sometimes my jealousies run petty

Sigh. This is hard to explain without sounding like a whining, foolish, and bitchy person. I have more or less gotten over the sexual jealousy part of plural marriage...I have. I think mostly because Hubby makes it easy.

Sexual jealousy is natural in my opinion. But eventually it passes. I had alot of time to get used to it, so that helped. In the beginning when I first started sleeping here during visits from back home, I would take a xanax before bedtime. I was sleeping alone because we didn't want the kids to get confused or feel awkward that we weren't married. So once for instance I visited for 10 days! By the end of the first 5 days I honestly had gotten over it. More or less.

No my dear blog friends, my jealousies tend to be more practical in nature, or more about affections (like the hair thing or back rubs), or they are about things I can't even explain. Then, when it comes right down to it, my jealousies can be petty and selfish. I'll admit it right here.

I've been living here for several months but during that time finances have been rough. Most of our combined incomes has gone for moving me here, #2's trip to her parent's 50th wedding anniversary out of state with Hubby and the oldest boy, and for bills, just bills. To be blunt it has stunk. So none of us has gone out much. #2 for her birthday alone with Hubby; all of us on occasional shopping trips for necessities; me once for a very very nice lunch - not fast food lol. We each have 2 nights with hubby every week with one person getting the extra in turn. Usually those evenings are spent either watching a movie or swimming in the backyard pool with everyone invited, or just talking or being in front of the computer together.

Last night, Hubby and I had been doing some reminescing about our past travels. We needed to go to Walmart for a couple of necessities. Out of the blue he said, "well I think you need to get out of the house. How about before Walmart we stop at a tavern and I'll teach you how to play pool like you have asked?" I said really, can we afford it? He responded that a beer or two and a couple of games of pool wouldn't break the bank. So we went. Leaving the house at 10 pm and returning by 12:30 I believe. Not long really, but it was so good to get out.

We also share an avid interest in politics, Hubby and I. We watched the Democratic Convention last week together for the most part with whichever other wife's night it was. So today I said, we have to remember to catch Sarah Palin's speech tonight. His response?

You can I'm taking #2 out.

I said really? Why? And she can watch too, it will only be for a short while. He said, I took you out last night. OK I get it. But petty as it is, I was hoping our hour and a half playing pool was special. sigh. Petty jealousy go away!!

See it turns out that while I was busy doing something else today and #2 was home on her day off she asked several times to be "taken out" the way I was last night, ok fair I suppose. Since we don't go out often Hubby just drove to the same place, same pool table and poor thing made sure he was home in the same amount of time. All of this put him in a grumpy mood over all tonight and I resent that. I truly feel badly that she is so insecure in their 16 year marriage, but I can't help but feel that petty jealous thing creep up on me. I just would like to be "special" in some way because I'm new. I want to feel in love with this man without worrying about "getting more attention" or any of that. It's not plural marriage I'm doubting, I'm doubting if I'm able to do it well.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Religion In Our House For Those That Are Interested..

I was born and raised a Roman Catholic and I'm afraid I'm one of those who born a Catholic remains one even after falling from grace as they say in the Catholic Church. Not that I still go to church, because I don't, but when I go for a funeral or wedding I still feel it's home. And I hope when they bury me they have a Catholic mass. I have no idea why I feel that way either. Thus, I never converted to another organized religion. I have one I can use if I choose to stop being "fallen away," as they put it. During my life I toyed with the idea of becoming Unitarian, but anyone I ever knew who did that (and I know a few) was disappointed in the lack of "something." I have a melting pot of beliefs, I could become an Episcoplain in a heartbeat probably because at least they got rid of that whole Pope thing. Long before the scandals that have rocked the church and the credibility of Bishops etc, I discovered way too many of their human frailities to believe in following their lead. However, Buddhism holds some beliefs I adhere to as well. So basically, I don't deal well with with the Catholic heirarchy and don't feel like moving across the street to another church. I pray when the spirit moves me and I have big doubts about alot of things, including the bible.

Hubby is of no particular faith. He was born in to some Protestant religion but his family was not religious. He once studied briefly to be a Methodist minister but decided against it. He believes in God, but will not go to church. Period.

#1 is a Southern Baptist and attends services semi-regularly.
#2 is a Methodist but we don't know how she got there to tell the truth. She reads and studies the bible almost daily and goes to church almost every Sunday, taking the grandkids with her.
The teenage boy attends his mother's (#1) church on occasion. The 19 year old, no church. The grown boy, no church although when he goes it's with his mom, #1.
Oh and my kids - they were raised Catholic. I felt it was important to give them something. They don't go to church regularly although they used to. One is really quite Catholic in his morality and beliefs. They are both pro-life for instance. The other one became a born again Christian at one point, but is back to being Catholic. After a certain age I left it up to them what they wanted to do.

I have an ex husband who came from a family who all converted to Mormon. He rebelled against it because at the time, Mormons were known for their racism. (1960's). So that religion never really seemed attractive to me.

That my friends is what I tried to say in my brief introduction. I call us secular polygamists because we are not a plural family because of any religious belief. Ok well #2 likes to quote passages from her bible that refer to "more than one wife." ugh. That was thousands of years ago right?

Hubby has said "Christian Polygamists" but I'm pretty sure what he meant was we are polygamists who happen to be Christians.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Patience Among Wives, How Much Is Necessary?

Patience is something that is needed by all co-wives I think no matter where they are in the pecking order, don't you think?
I mean, the first wife - well basically alot if not all first wives are probably saints. I'm going to be blunt honest here. I don't think I would ever go for this plural marriage thing if my marriage started out as monogamous. Maybe if I had become frigid or tired or my husband and bitter. MAYBE. But let's face it first wives give up stuff.
The second wife I'm thinking needs patience with the first wife's acceptance of her. Then she needs patience with the third wife, sigh. The third wife, etc.

But I am out of patience! I have empathy for both my co -wives. I like one alot, she is beginning to feel like a sister. The other one I'm trying to like with all my heart. But I've run out of patience. We had one blow up already and I'm not ready for another but gosh. I need prayer. I need something to help me with her, #2. Now, just as things were simmering down, the schedule more or less better than it was...#2 and I actually not full blown competing etc..her work schedule changes!! She gets home later but leaves alot later, not until 12:30 pm!! She never stops yakking among other annoying habits..God help me! Plus she has started to whine again about housework. That totally pisses me off. Last night she did this thing she does whenever she washes her rather long, thick hair. I'm going to share it just so you don't think I'm a mean person.

After washing her hair, she calls hubby into the bathroom. EVERY time she washes her hair which thankfully is only 2-3 times a week. She calls, he runs. So a few weeks ago I asked him what she wanted. Are you ready for this? She needs him to...pick the loose hair off her wet back!! I'm not kidding.

Harmless you say? Uh huh, that's what I thought too! Somewhat needy and childish but harmless. So last night it happened again. I was tempted to shout out, "You know #2 it would be easier and quicker to just powder your back and use your towel." But no, I zipped my mouth because I'm trying.

Guess what I found out? Come on you already guessed, and you're right. I know this because hubby told me finally because he wasn't feeling well and because it happened to be my night.

Should I confront her? I'm not sure. Hubby hates those confrontations. He would rather I do something like next time follow him into the bathroom and say something sassy, which will cause him to laugh and say something smart back. Break the ice then have the conversation. So, I'm going to TRY to be patient about it.

What do you think? I am hoping for a male's perspective too, anyone lurking my blog who fits that gender description, please chime in.

Thursday, August 21, 2008


In other places I have written about compromising. To me it is the number 1 negative in a plural marriage even above sharing.
Some one recently wrote in their polygamy blog that they hate living with cats!! Oh did I so relate!
I hope you all don't get tired of reading about compromising because I am fixated on it. As a plural wife, compromising is a huge part of my life and I have to assume with most plural wives.

Whether it's living with cats, dogs, turtles or ferrets...
What color to paint the bathroom...
Where to hang the new hammock in the yard...
Or cleanliness standards...
Compromising is a pain, and a constant reminder that it's not your nest. If nothing else.

I guess if everyone had their own house like on HBO's Big Love, it might be simpler. But no matter what, so much time is spent together, at least in our marriage, and then of course there are the inevitable compromises in the schedule - if there is a schedule. We have one, I highly recommend it.

Compromising so much puts a lump in my throat, is that childish? That's the way I'm feeling tonight, sort of childish and selfish.

#2 here does the least compromising. I always wanted to be one of those girls in high school who has things under control "one way or another." She's one of those girls and I'll be damned but I will figure out one day how she does it.
#1 is total sacrifice and compromise. Makes me sad some days.
Me- I am not sure where I'm at on it cept I don't like it. It was really hard moving in to someone else's house though. I want to take the whole kitchen and rearrange every last thing so stuff is where I need it when I cook. Hubby says I will do that one day and to just be patient. It bothers him that I get sad about compromising, but I can't help it. This is all still very new.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Sister wives and friends...

I miss my friends. I don't speak to my old friends every day anymore, and I miss them. I miss being dragged out of the house when I'm in a funk and having a good time laughing over a glass of wine in spite of myself. I just got off the phone with a friend from back east and it suddenly hit me....other than family, I haven't made a single friend here in my new home. It reminded me of a post I wrote back in January, so I am repeating it (shortened up a bit) here because I think it's relevant to the experience I'm having.

One of the positive things I keep hearing about havng sister wives is that you wind up with built in friends. That puzzles me to some extent. Well, I guess if the pool of candidate wives consists of women the existing wives already know and like, that would be the case. But some of us have sister wives that either are there first, or are chosen by the husband for the family's approval. To me that makes them more like traditional family members..and we all know we can't really choose our family and don't always like them!

My particular dilema with this is that I have always had friends. I imagine that when I am permenantly settled hereI will establish a small circle of friends of both sexes. Most likely I will either volunteer or work part time outside of the home and I am friendly. It suddenly occured to me that my sister wives will be curious about my friends, want to meet them, befriend them much like if they were real sisters. wow. They may even develop jealousies regarding them. Holy wow. #1 has friends at work but never brings them home. One wishes #2 would make some friends but she doesn't. Hubby loved making friends when he was spending time back east with me. And he has a childhood friend that visits regularly. Friends. Do suburban plural families not affiliated with any church/religion, ever really have "friends?" Good question.One I'm going to be pondering for a while I think.

I've been here several months and this is worrying me. I'm afraid I will become lonely. Not the all alone kind of lonely, but the "no girlfriends to meet for lunch" kinda lonely. Neither #1 nor #2 would be my friend except for the fact that we have been more or less thrown together. If #1 were a co-worker she would probably become my friend after a while. She's sweet and generous and she likes to go places. Wife #2 is someone I would never choose as a roommate or a friend. I can't figure out how Hubby would have chosen her. It's little things like how she never shuts up, or how she leaves dirty pots out over night. How she acts and dresses younger than her years. Other things too...She's annoying and I'm no saint.

Saturday, August 16, 2008


let's see... Hubby and I met over a shared hobby, became really close friends and eventually fell in love...however, knowing he was a practicing polygamist with two wives already, I was not keen on the idea of sharing him so I didn't think the day would ever come that I would become his wife. Over a period of approximately 5 years,we would drift apart, we would stay close friends and confidantes, we would fight our feelings and then start all over...his wives knew he was considering me for a 3rd and wanted to meet me, we met...I guess they liked me. The kids all combined liked the idea of "us." It just was a very difficult decision for me to make because on top of never ever having him to myself, I knew I would have to move several states away, half way across the country, which for me was a huge sacrifice and change at my age.

Finally after weeks of waiting for #2's ideas on the whole subject and give her blessing, we had a ceremony last September with the four of us. #1 liked me from the get go and we had almost an instant kindred spirit sort of thing between us from the start. I was, and sometimes think will always, be wary of #2.

For several months, and after visiting and staying at the house many times (uncomfortably I will add),I was concerned about where to live when I move down permanently. That is really a tough tough decision. So tough I keep putting it off. Choices are: 1)my own room in the house Hubby currently shares with #1 and #2. 2) My own house which at the moment is occupied by a son and daughter-in law and 2 grandbabies and is next door to the other house. 3) Somehow share that house with the children or 4) build an addition on to the house the other members live in at the moment so that every wife has her own room. (presently they share a room). Hubby said I should start off in the first home so I get used to all living under one roof. But I so like my space so we'll see.

At any rate, I came to realize too late that #2 didn't like the idea of me having my own home to escape to, or for Hubby to escape to. It seems she thought, even though she had been told that it would probably happen, that there would never be a #3, and as it turns out of all of us, she is the least comfortable with plural marriage. This doesn't stop her from quoting the Bible on polygamy every now and then though...but that's a story for another time.

So..that is more or less how it came to be that all three wives in our marriage live under one roof. I have my own room thankfully, but it's not something I would recommend for anyone seeking peace and quiet.

Thursday, August 14, 2008


I have been blogging in different venues for a couple of years and actually have a blog on this topic on HBO's website under Big Love. Since I haven't figured out how to transfer those blog posts to here I will give you a synopsis of my story up until now. I'm sorry if this leaves holes or questions unanswered but I will do my best to eventually get all that information to this site eventually. In the meantime if you comment with questions I will try to answer.

I am pretty new to a plural family. I use that term because we are not Mormons, nor fundamentalists. As a matter of fact we are all of different religions and none at all. Some would refer to us as secular polygamists.

I feel it's important to get out information about people who live this lifestyle who are basically the folks next door. Ours is a story you may find helpful or interesting, well I hope anyway. This family began as a monogamous marriage, approximately 9 or 10 years later a second wife was added, and 15 years after that, I became the third wife. How I met my husband and how and when I was convinced to join this family is a story unto itself. I intend along the way for it to unfold. I joined the family officially almost a year ago, but only moved into our home this past March. So, I call myself "new#3".

Our family consists of hubby, wife#1, their two sons, wife #2, myself, my children who are grown and who don't live with us, and a son of hubby's from another marriage. One of his sons with wife#1 lives next door with his wife and two small sons. The reason I don't use our real names is to protect certain family members who would rather not have our life stories exposed to the public. Our husband is aware that I blog about our life and approves.

Right now I'm feeling frustrated because I would love to include my Big Love Blog here as an archive, maybe what I'll do is copy and paste occasionally. Until then I'll just wing it I guess. I hope you stay tuned.