Thursday, December 31, 2009


Since I last wrote, chemo treatments are finished...yay! Reconstruction has progressed...bah humbug! Honestly, I apologize for not keeping in touch here or elsewhere, but I just haven't had the strength to write. They say it can take months to feel back to normal. I'm not certain I ever will. After that stay in the hospital I just seemed to feel weak most of the time. I haven't painted either. I rest. That's what I do. I'm on a post treatment 5 year course of medication which has it's own potential side affects, some of them similar to chemo. Bone pain persists; my hair hasn't grown back yet; and the reconstruction process has become painful...all of which has me feeling very impatient.

I find myself questioning every decision I've ever made in my adult life. Why did I do this or that? What on earth was I thinking then? Could I have done this better? Things like that. I won't bore you with the details of each question because what's important is that I'm questioning everything - the way I brought up my kids; who and when I married; eating and sleeping's now 6 am, I've been awake since two having gone to bed at 10 pm with the television on. I suppose I could have taken a pain killer or sleeping pill but I am fearful of it becoming habitual.

Life in polygamy goes on. It's neither great nor bad, it just is. Hubby is getting less and less afraid of my condition which is good. Sister wives are tired of it, or that is what I perceive anyway. I am attempting to do more around the house but continue to long for my own home. I think I am better suited to have hubby two days/nights a week to myself, rather than being with him every day but it's not necessarily my day. I see this as a goal for the future, though no one else in the family sees eye to eye on this with me. But I think our relationship was built on escape from our every day problems. That's not especially a bad thing because the chaos that is living in a large group is very tiring.

Tomorrow(today) is New Year's Eve, never my favorite day of the year.