Friday, July 17, 2009

A Date Finally

I finally got a date for my surgery!!!

Thank god because the not knowing was driving me crazy. It feels like a pin was pushed into me like a balloon and the craziness is leaking out. Now I have to decide, silicone or saline. Oh, did I mention that I am going to have immediate reconstruction? I can't believe I'm doing that but I am. I realized long ago that my fear of getting breast cancer had as much to do with vanity as it did with fear of dying and the C word.

I'm hoping when this is all over I will have my femininity intact and feel good about myself. When I say "vanity" I mean I was afraid of disfigurement. Women don't say that out-loud too often. They either say their breasts don't define them or something equally as evolved and self-confident; or they just avoid the topic. I was told that the recovery from the reconstruction is longer and more painful than recovery from the double mastectomy. I'm anxious.

So, email me if you would like to know the exact date. I don't mind sharing if I know your name. I will say here that it is in about two weeks. Today I had a full body bone scan. It was yet another needle in my arm and about 20 minutes of staying perfectly still. The results could be scary but right now I'm feeling positive.

There has been a little tension here - between me and hubby and #2 and hubby and me. Like a circle. It's hard to explain, I don't know where to start. If I figure that out I'll post on it soon. It's not horrible, just annoying and makes me a tiny bit sad.

Speaking of sad, some people don't know the difference between sad and depressed, but there is a difference. Throughout my life I think I battled depression, on and off. I am accustomed to how it feels. Sad is a feeling I'm not used to. If I ever encountered it during my life I somehow got over it quickly. Crying is not something I do the way some women do. I've known women who can sit on their couch and can muster up tears without much trouble. They do it because they need a cathartic moment or ten. They emerge renewed. I will admit to enjoying a good cry at a movie or a book, so I understand the cathartic thing, I just never got into it. Heartbreak can make me cry but fear never. I grew to learn how to stare fear down during my lengthy and unhappy marriage. It was not something I learned easily. Consequently, it may take me a while to cry when someone passes away. I never cried the entire time my 16 year old's son hung in the balance, nor when my mother was dying. I don't know why. But here's the thing...now, I don't sit and cry but the littlest thing will bring a burning sensation to my eyes or a choked up feeling. Even teary-eyed. This, so far, has been the hardest part. That and the PMS feeling I have, grouchy/moody/giddy ugh.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I remember that feeling. The choking feeling in the throat and burning eyes without tears. I think it is a way for your body to express fear when you are refusing to..at least it was for me.
Remember, you have lots of cyber-friends in addition to your family and other friends thinking of and praying for you. W

new#3 said...

W - My cyber-friends are a real source of strength for me these days and I so appreciate your thoughts and prayers, thank you.

Marshall said...

Hey L, reconstructive surgery huh? So you'll be lookin like a Vegas show girl when this is done, sumthin like that?

So, is insurance pickin up the tab for this boondoggle?

Seriously tho, one of the first classes I took a few years ago in my Web Design thing was a class on how to use Photoshop -- and we had to put together this portfolio thing. And this one woman in there was obsessed big time with big breasts and she gave me a picture she made of these budweiser girls with open black jackets and barely concealed 44DD's or sumthin close to that.

I was like, OK why is she giving me this picture and should I keep it hidden from my wife? Well, it turns out (she told me soon after that) that she had a double mastectomy (is that the term?) and she missed the D cups she left behind.

She had some good support from some nice biker people she knew but she missed her ta-ta's and it was obvious. It was a grieving process for her & it's good to grieve those we grow attached to, right?

I hope everything comes out OK. Do some before and after pics, huh? I mean nothing too revealing -- unless you want to, hehe.

Well, anyway luv ya kid, I'll pray for ya, may the Force be with you always. :)

Namaste' Zeke (JH)

Debra said...

I'm glad you have a date set, and I think you are wise to get it all done at once. Who wants to have surgery and recovery twice, for cryin' out loud?

Send me a quick e-mail when you can and let me know the day and time so I can focus my positive energy on you.

Huggers!

~D