Thursday, January 26, 2012

Cancer Changed Things

I wasn't able to fly home for my 6 month check up with my oncologist, so I found one here...It was kind of weird going to a different doctor but I did it yesterday. Somehow this feels like an accomplishment :) I didn't fly for several reasons, the two most important: 1) It was too expensive. and 2) I was nervous about it.

It seems like I've been gone so long...I am worried about my relationship with Hubby. We don't seem to communicate from a distance with the ease I thought we would. After all, we had a long distance relationship for many years, why isn't this working this time? I honestly thought putting a distance between us would help bring us closer again. I really thought it would, but it hasn't. Oh my god I miss those grand babies! I don't think they could possibly understand how much. But I didn't enter in to this plural marriage for the grand babies it included, so I have to try not to focus on my love for them so much. I even miss the extended family..nieces, etc. I miss the practicality of #1 and her sisterly ways. I wish I could say I miss #2 but I'm not sure I do. Hubby, well I'm just confused about him. I miss him and yet it's different than when I used to miss him.

Having cancer changed me. It changed our relationship too. But it didn't change me necessarily for the better or our relationship either. I don't want to say I've become a selfish, self-absorbed person, but I do find myself focusing on myself. I want what I want. I don't feel like doing a lot of things I used to do regularly, like writing for instance, or cooking. The changes in the relationship with Hubby are super complicated and hard to explain, but they are bold and bothersome.

I keep thinking these issues are going to resolve....but honestly, I don't think he misses me one bit. Ok, maybe one bit but not much more than that. At one time I thought we had an extremely close relationship, like best friends...but I'm not feeling that vibe so to speak at the moment and haven't ever since I got sick. Having and fighting cancer changed all that.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Politically Speaking This Is Me

Politically I guess you would say I'm a liberal some that would seem a contradiction to plural marriage. To me it makes sense.

Political conservatives (and most Republicans) are not in my humble opinion socially inclusive. Most don't believe gays should marry, or adopt, or in some cases even exist. Polygamy? Plural marriage? Alternative life styles are not their cup of tea. Which brings up the Tea Party Republicans who I don't quite understand at all.

Liberals and I venture to say most Democrats and some Libertarians are broad minded enough to be able to embrace folks who live differently than the mainstream.

And then there are the poor among us. The Bible is full of passages in both the New and Old Testament about our obligation to take care of the poor and disadvantaged. Those I would identify in that category would be the unemployed, the disabled, the elderly, young children and others who are homeless. And yet many among us particularly those who wish to be in "power" in our country, seek to eliminate "entitlements" they consider not to be of their unemployment benefits, medicare, social security, medicaid, etc. etc. Oh they seem to say, we have millions of folks without healthcare? Oh well, not my fault they are lazy.

The irony of the Evangelical Christian Right is not lost. Someone posted this quote from Stephen Colbert on my facebook page and it made me sit up...

“If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.”

You don't have to be a "Christian" to see the truth in that. Most religions have as a tenant to help the poor.

Yet every time a politician wants to do something to forward the poor and unfortunately now, what used to be the middle class, he or she is beaten back by a stick wielded by a political conservative. Thus, I simply cannot relate to those who identify themselves as such.

Of course I would like to see a balanced budget and lower taxes. All though I will never understand why the rich don't pay more. Of course I want our country to fight terrorism. Yes, of course I would like to see your business prosper and our citizens safe. Yes, I am conflicted about the undocumented residents harbored inside our borders, I am after all the grandchild of immigrants, but I also recognize the problems. And of course I would like to stop the flow of drugs in to our country. Being liberal doesn't equate to being stupid or un-American or even a socialist.

You may disagree with me of course, as is your privilege, and I will like you anyway, as is my way. I just wanted to open a window for you to see who I am.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Forgiveness is the Solution to Everything....Courtesy of Steven Tyler

I haven't written here in a while mostly because I was feeling like I was whining too much. But I have something I would like to share.

I'm not a HUGE fan of Oprah Winfrey but occasionally she does something that strikes a chord in me. She has started a new show on her network OWN, called The Next Chapter. Her first show was a two hour long interview with rock icon Steven Tyler at his home in New Hampshire. I knew I always like Aerosmith's lyrics and I know lead singer Tyler has had a tumultuous life, in large part because he was/is a drug addict. But he is enormously talented and apparently a strong person with strong ties to his family and his roots. This interview was amazing..

At one point in the interview Oprah asks him how he has survived what with his infamous drug use, his conquering hepatitis C and his professional/personal troubles. He says something like..Forgiveness is the solution to everything..or the answer to everything..I can't remember which even though I watched it twice. But the concept struck a deep chord within me. I sometimes have trouble forgiving. And then when I do manage to forgive, I can't seem to "forget." That's a problem I will always have to work on.

Forgiveness. What does that mean? Why is it so hard to forgive? And why is it so necessary?

Years ago, an acquaintance of mine lost her 19 year old son in a terrible car accident that was probably the fault of the driver of the car her son was in. At the funeral in the church, the young man sat next to her. He came out of the accident barely injured physically. The whole family embraced him and comforted him as he comforted them. He was never quite the same afterwards but he eventually moved forward, joined the Navy and had a did they. Of course they were deeply saddened but they were able to continue in a way their son would have wanted.

A few years later a good friend lost her young son in a car accident when the driver of the vehicle fell asleep at the wheel and they hit an enormous tree. Again the driver was barely hurt. But he did not appear at the funeral and my friend never spoke to him. Both she and her husband became unhappy and bitter. I don't think the sadness ever lifted from their eyes and their professional and personal lives suffered.

I remember at that first funeral remarking to someone how heart warming it was to see the family and the driver together. The answer I got was similar to Steven Tyler's thoughts on forgiveness.

Even if forgiving just chases the negative thoughts out of our heads it's worth a try. But I think, from what I have seen, it can do so much more.