This process has changed me for the better in a lot of respects. However my beliefs about polygamy have also changed somewhat. I thought, naively, that the best way to enter in to a polygamous marriage was through the "romantic" way. WRONG! That is probably the most difficult way to begin this journey.
At least that is what I have come to believe. Let me tell you why if I can..
I believe in romance. It concerns me when I hear about people who are in arranged marriages or marriages of convenience. Romantic love, I have always believed, is the heart and soul of a marriage. In some ways I still believe that but for a plural marriage it is the one thing through which difficulty arises, making sexual jealousy, compromise, sharing everything, children, legalities, housework, all pale.
Now I have truly come to believe that this is a situation best entered in to through the hearts of the women. When women in a marriage choose as best as they can, the new member of the family. Are you shocked at me? You see, I just can't bring myself to "love" #2 in a way that would make life easier around me. She annoys the hell out of me. Sorry. I've learned to get along with her. I even can tolerate her incessant talking more than before, and frankly I think she has come to respect that I can't LISTEN constantly. I rarely find a person I can't be friends with, but I have found one in her. I really am I swear, a pretty tolerant person. But this woman has so many character flaws, and immature qualities, that there is no way I would have ever chosen to spend this much time with her. I've probably said this all before but it bears repeating simply because I've also noted that there have been some improvements. The thing is, if you are going to live in the same house with someone who has NO OTHER LIFE, and they are totally dependent on you and hubby for conversation and entertainment, you best adore her company!
The thing is hubby DOES adore her company. He admits she annoys him. He'll admit she's a dingbat, matter of fact that is the family's nick name for her. He'll admit that she is childish and irresponsible. That she manipulates people into getting her own way even about simple things. But I can tell he enjoys her company, even though he doesn't enjoy her chatter. The reason is plain, she worships him. However, that is one of the qualities I find so annoying. I mean WORSHIP. She refuses to do anything but utter compliments and criticises me for having the nerve to occasionally say things like "dear, I don't think you want to do that" or "Honey, wouldn't it be better if we did this tomorrow." Or, when he asks for opinion, she always agrees with him even if in private she'll mutter disagreement to herself. YUCK.
He even knows she isn't sincere. I THINK. Everyone in the family seems to see it anyway. But there you have it. My reason I would never choose her for a sister wife, or agree to have her here if she wasn't already here before me. And honestly, I'm sad about it. For the first time in my life, I find myself wanting to pray for help about something that isn't tragic, just annoying on a constant basis. What am I praying for? Not her poofing into thin air - but her changing just a little.
I mean she complained ferociously that I was allowed to put stuffing in to a Turkey (we made 2) for Thanksgiving, when it had never been done before in this family to her knowledge and she apparently asked to do it 16 years ago. (bear in mind no one will eat her cooking) She was yelling about it 2 days after the fact! Like a spoiled child who didn't get her way but someone else did. By the way, she likes stuffing cooked in the bird but she couldn't bring herself to enjoy it even though she ate it and didn't comment on whether or not she liked it. I mean REALLY.
I'm not giving up, but I know one thing for sure. If somehow someday I decide I made a big mistake by coming here and adopting this lifestyle, and I decide to leave, she will be the reason. I pray that doesn't happen.
Sorry if this post seems to be more of a rant. I need guidance from an experienced sister wife who has had similar experiences. I'm hoping I'm not alone.
I still believe in romance, I just think it's way more complicated in a plural marriage than I ever imagined and maybe it's best to have the romance come after becoming friends with the wives :)