Monday, August 25, 2008

Patience Among Wives, How Much Is Necessary?

Patience is something that is needed by all co-wives I think no matter where they are in the pecking order, don't you think?
I mean, the first wife - well basically alot if not all first wives are probably saints. I'm going to be blunt honest here. I don't think I would ever go for this plural marriage thing if my marriage started out as monogamous. Maybe if I had become frigid or tired or my husband and bitter. MAYBE. But let's face it first wives give up stuff.
The second wife I'm thinking needs patience with the first wife's acceptance of her. Then she needs patience with the third wife, sigh. The third wife, etc.

But I am out of patience! I have empathy for both my co -wives. I like one alot, she is beginning to feel like a sister. The other one I'm trying to like with all my heart. But I've run out of patience. We had one blow up already and I'm not ready for another but gosh. I need prayer. I need something to help me with her, #2. Now, just as things were simmering down, the schedule more or less better than it was...#2 and I actually not full blown competing etc..her work schedule changes!! She gets home later but leaves alot later, not until 12:30 pm!! She never stops yakking among other annoying habits..God help me! Plus she has started to whine again about housework. That totally pisses me off. Last night she did this thing she does whenever she washes her rather long, thick hair. I'm going to share it just so you don't think I'm a mean person.

After washing her hair, she calls hubby into the bathroom. EVERY time she washes her hair which thankfully is only 2-3 times a week. She calls, he runs. So a few weeks ago I asked him what she wanted. Are you ready for this? She needs him to...pick the loose hair off her wet back!! I'm not kidding.

Harmless you say? Uh huh, that's what I thought too! Somewhat needy and childish but harmless. So last night it happened again. I was tempted to shout out, "You know #2 it would be easier and quicker to just powder your back and use your towel." But no, I zipped my mouth because I'm trying.

Guess what I found out? Come on you already guessed, and you're right. I know this because hubby told me finally because he wasn't feeling well and because it happened to be my night.

Should I confront her? I'm not sure. Hubby hates those confrontations. He would rather I do something like next time follow him into the bathroom and say something sassy, which will cause him to laugh and say something smart back. Break the ice then have the conversation. So, I'm going to TRY to be patient about it.

What do you think? I am hoping for a male's perspective too, anyone lurking my blog who fits that gender description, please chime in.


Hanieh said...

"Come on you already guessed, and you're right."

... Maybe I'm slow?

new#3 said...

Sorry I wasn't clearer on this hanieh..I was trying to be "delicate." The answer is SEX.
Apparently she uses those times as an "opportunity for privacy".

I think I mentioned this in my introduction, not sure, but #1 and #2 share a room and always have shared a room with hubby. I have my own room. There is resentment because of that, but it's not my fault, or at least that is the way I feel.

Deb said...

Sex on YOUR night? Um, no. I don't think I'd want to share my night in any way with the other(s)...even the picking the hair thing. Yeah...I'd feel like you.

Meggin said...

Since there is a schedule - your husband needs to man-up and take responsibility for his actions. If its your night - its your night - he is perfectly capable of saying no. He chose to have 3 wives - he owes them all equal respect and that situation is very disrespectful to you and #1. And when the situation arrives - he can also take that time to remind #2 of the schedule. It should certainly not be up to you to deal with that. Maybe the whole family needs to have a meeting about things.

new#3 said...

Oh Meggin Hubby did stand up and told her (reminded her) that it was my night. Nothing happened, but that isn't the problem. The problem is I think an underlying one. She is not adjusting to me being there. Previous to my arrival there was no schedule. I was the one who insisted on it.

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

Argggg I feel angry for you. I am not feeling like typing now but I have had me fair share of that crap. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Here is an extremly bitchy way to deal with that...on her night find something anything you can call him in to do for you...even if you don't have sex keep him in there longer than you should and see how she feels about. I am sure she will confront you about it and when she does tell her I did that because remember when you...blah blah blah....

3rd... said...

I'm starting to dislike #2...

I get that she wants her time with him alone.. and its quite sad she has to use the bathroom to do so. If there was a spare room why didn't they just take separate bedrooms before you came? It really blows my mind.. how does that work?

Anyway - I think the idea which hubby proposes - of you stepping in when she calls him again - is really silly. He should manage better. I think if you want to confront the subject then do so in an adult way, call in a family meeting and speak frankly.

I am mean they have been sharing a room for 15 years.. this should not be a touchy subject anymore right??

Meggin said...

Oh Good!!! That is great. Then #2 needs a "come to Jesus" meeting. It sounds like she rules the roost and if she isn't happy - nobody's happy. That is crap. I know you said #1 compromises way too much, but maybe you can all sit down and talk together and air out the dirty laundry. I would guess that you having your own room was established before you ever moved in. She agreed to it - she needs to get past it. Maybe a meeting of just the 3 wives and then with all of you and hubby. I'd be afraid that you following him into the bathroom on one of those times would be way to confrontational and might end up feeling like 2 against 1. You may not be able to avoid the ganging up on her field, but maybe if you approach it with a "lets all lay out what we need" meeting it could be better. Maybe if you all agree to make a list of what you feel you need and how the others can help? I don't know - there's always got to be 1 that causes trouble, doesn't there.

new#3 said...

ty all for the suggestions..I like the turn the tables on her idea but to be honest the have a meeting idea is more like me. Last time though that #1 and I did that #2 felt ganged up on.
Look, I know she's having a hard time adjusting, but she's not alone with that. It's new to all of us.
Yes everyone knew I would have my own room. Originally it was going to be a whole house so I thought this would make her happier, she said it would. I think just that she thinks my own room gives me more time is the problem.

3rd - sometimes I dislike her too. But then she'll do something very sweet or nice for me. So I'm trying to understand. She's not malicious, she's just inconsiderate in a broad sense, and insecure.

Sigh, this is why I think separate houses is the easiest way to live in a plural marriage if you can afford to do that.

PM said...

Ok, I'm not getting something here. Are you saying that hubby shares a room with both of them -- meaning the 3 of them sleep together 2 out of 3 nights (assuming he is with you on the 3rd one)? Are we talking threesome? And then she wants one on one, too?

I think this is his issue to handle.


new#3 said...

PM- no no..well I don't know what they did when they were much younger but now it is merely a sleeping arrangement that #2 didn't want to give up. They all said they are used to it, and it works for them. I think originally it was a matter of actual space. However we are all middle aged pretty average people. It's not about three somes. But I believe it makes opportunity for intimacy more difficult for them. Know what? Not my that selfish? maybe.
Everyone was happy before I got here so I do sometimes feel some guilt. But then I remember that they knew the day I would move here and be with them all was coming.

Deb said...

No way are you selfish. lol Considering how much thought you are putting into #2 before reacting to situations, I'd say you are the opposite.

In your introduction entry, you said you have a blog or so elsewhere. Would you be comfortable linking us to those? I'm enjoying getting to know you.

Zeke said...

You've got some good advisors here, New. Meggin & UmmAbdur-Rahmaan were especially interesting, I thought.

I've been around the situation a lot longer and am a little more familiar than some of the others probly.

We know there's a failure to communicate going on there. It's delicate, it's been allowed to grow with a certain amount of dysfunction and now someone's gotta be the bad guy.

I think the pattern has been established that the husband wants the right thing to be done without bringing the bad news. So, you just have to suck it up & get it done -- everyone will back you -- you have a Barb & Nicki type meeting & tell Margene that she can't go around making all those train whistle noises with the kids around.

That's a metaphor, of course, but the facts are simple -- these are her patterns appreciated by nobody and tolerated barely by the husband. There is only one way these patterns can continue -- if nobody talks about them -- that's the only way she wins.

So, you just have to have a meeting & make sure no.1 is clearly on your side -- yes, you get your stories straight and you out-vote her 2-1, then when she runs to the husband the vote will be 3-1, so you gotta make sure he knows to back you up before D-day.

Now you know what Dr. Laura always says -- now, go do the right thing. :)

cathy said...

Now that the sleeping arrangements have been clarified, I can understand why she tries to lure hubby into the bathroom!!!

Sounds like #1 isn't interested in intimacy and #2 is desperate for 1 on 1 time.

IMO, the least hubby can do is provide a private space for each of his wives!

However, shame on #2 for infringing on your night!

Disciple said...

In your introduction you wrote that you are "all of different religions and none at all".

Could you share with me who adheres to what religion. That would help me orient myself better.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps,since she needs help with her hair, Hubby could send you to assist her with this next time. I'm pretty sure you could help her more quickly since you will not have anything "extra" to do! You could tell her he sent you because he was getting ready for bed since it is "your" night. Just a subtle way of telling her you know the score and that neither you or hubby are going to play that game anymore.
Funny, I have had waist length, thick hair most of my life and have never needed that type of help.

Hanieh said...

AH, okay, now I understand.

Maybe the women should all take a road trip together to talk out issues. I can be extremely confrontational and just enjoy when everything is laid out on the table. It seems that #2 is really insecure and feels threatened by you? Maybe if you guys all just talked through it, it would help?

Am I being naive here? I admit my lack of knowledge of how polygamous families work (but I readily admit my fascination).

new#3 said...

thanks guys all of your comments have been helpful.

Disciple, I have posted an answer to your religion question in a new post.

Deb- I haven't figured out how to do that yet, but you can try looking for it on the HBO Big Love website. If I figure it out I will.

Zeke and Cathy - hey guys :) thanks for visiting and commenting. And thank you for your friendship. Hubby would provide all separate bedrooms but they chose to stay together as they did when that was impossible. Who knows why? Not me that's for certain lol.

Anonymous said...

Your husband showed a lack of respect for you by having sex on your night with the other wife. IMO it also shows favoritism and weakness. He's giving special consideration at the expense of his other wives for this one.

Huge flag to pay attention to.

new#3 said...

to the last Anonymous comment:

nooo he doesn't go in there to have sex!! It was just my thought that that was what she wanted. He's more considerate than that, and he's definitely not what I would call weak. It just bothered me, the whole thing, looking back on this now a couple of months later, it doesn't bother me at this point.