Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Sometimes my jealousies run petty

Sigh. This is hard to explain without sounding like a whining, foolish, and bitchy person. I have more or less gotten over the sexual jealousy part of plural marriage...I have. I think mostly because Hubby makes it easy.

Sexual jealousy is natural in my opinion. But eventually it passes. I had alot of time to get used to it, so that helped. In the beginning when I first started sleeping here during visits from back home, I would take a xanax before bedtime. I was sleeping alone because we didn't want the kids to get confused or feel awkward that we weren't married. So once for instance I visited for 10 days! By the end of the first 5 days I honestly had gotten over it. More or less.

No my dear blog friends, my jealousies tend to be more practical in nature, or more about affections (like the hair thing or back rubs), or they are about things I can't even explain. Then, when it comes right down to it, my jealousies can be petty and selfish. I'll admit it right here.

I've been living here for several months but during that time finances have been rough. Most of our combined incomes has gone for moving me here, #2's trip to her parent's 50th wedding anniversary out of state with Hubby and the oldest boy, and for bills, just bills. To be blunt it has stunk. So none of us has gone out much. #2 for her birthday alone with Hubby; all of us on occasional shopping trips for necessities; me once for a very very nice lunch - not fast food lol. We each have 2 nights with hubby every week with one person getting the extra in turn. Usually those evenings are spent either watching a movie or swimming in the backyard pool with everyone invited, or just talking or being in front of the computer together.

Last night, Hubby and I had been doing some reminescing about our past travels. We needed to go to Walmart for a couple of necessities. Out of the blue he said, "well I think you need to get out of the house. How about before Walmart we stop at a tavern and I'll teach you how to play pool like you have asked?" I said really, can we afford it? He responded that a beer or two and a couple of games of pool wouldn't break the bank. So we went. Leaving the house at 10 pm and returning by 12:30 I believe. Not long really, but it was so good to get out.

We also share an avid interest in politics, Hubby and I. We watched the Democratic Convention last week together for the most part with whichever other wife's night it was. So today I said, we have to remember to catch Sarah Palin's speech tonight. His response?

You can I'm taking #2 out.

I said really? Why? And she can watch too, it will only be for a short while. He said, I took you out last night. OK I get it. But petty as it is, I was hoping our hour and a half playing pool was special. sigh. Petty jealousy go away!!

See it turns out that while I was busy doing something else today and #2 was home on her day off she asked several times to be "taken out" the way I was last night, ok fair I suppose. Since we don't go out often Hubby just drove to the same place, same pool table and poor thing made sure he was home in the same amount of time. All of this put him in a grumpy mood over all tonight and I resent that. I truly feel badly that she is so insecure in their 16 year marriage, but I can't help but feel that petty jealous thing creep up on me. I just would like to be "special" in some way because I'm new. I want to feel in love with this man without worrying about "getting more attention" or any of that. It's not plural marriage I'm doubting, I'm doubting if I'm able to do it well.


UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

I know what you mean. I can not explain it but I know. I tell hubby all the time I just want to feel special. In my opinion though he should have taken her out when it was HER night. Watching TV together on someone elses night is one thing but actually physically leaving the house on anothers night just was not very nice and I would be upset too....especailly since it put him in a crappy mood.

new#3 said...

oh no it was her night. But the point I was annoyed about was they only went because she brought it up to him that she should get a chance to go out AND to the same place. Understand that I know they should go out but Hubby wasn't feeling up to it and it wasn't as though we went on a date we did the fun in conjunction with an errand. The thing that is upsetting is the not feeling special part. It's like she stole that moment from me. What she does on others nights is things like the excessive smooch or the back rub or the hair thing.'s so hard to explain lol sorry.

PM said...

But I'm sure you are special -- just like his other two wives are special. When you sign on for the poly-life you know right off the bat you don't have that "one and only" kind of special relationship.

I actually think your husband showed great insight and patience and did the right thing. Sorry it put him in a crappy mood but the polygynous man has to take the bad with the good.


new#3 said...

I knew it PM, about the not having a one on one kind of marriage but it still hurts sometimes..but actually I don't mind him taking the other wives out at all..what I minded was, she insisted even tho he didn't feel like it, and they went to the same place. A public place not far from home where I would like to go again. That is the petty part of me showing...can't there be ONE or TWO places where no one knows that I'm not the only one?

See I think when a poly marriage is based on "love" and not religious belief, "love" becomes somewhat like the religion...the glue that holds you all together.

He has very good judgment and knows how to keep her happy. #1 and I he feels are stronger and don't need the pampering or pandering lol whatever it is, it's annoying :)

Deb said...

I get what you're saying, new. And don't beat yourself up so much...what you feel is what you feel. How you deal with it is what matters, and you seem to be handling it so well.

Me? I think I wouldn't. lol

Debra said...

I know what you are trying to say--you had a "special" day with hubby, and sw kind of took the specialness away by insisting on going to the same place.

Next time you have a chance for alone time with hubby, tell him you want a place that is just for the two of you. The others can establish their own special places.

There is nothing wrong with wanting something that is just for you and hubby to share. He has a special place for each of you in his heart that is not occupied by the others; you should also be able to have a special physical location that is not occupied by the others.

my two cents....


Meggin said...

I think that part of a poly is always going to suck. And if you didn't feel a little jealousy every now and then - I think that would mean you weren't as invested in your relationship as you should be. You're most certainly allowed to have petty jealousy - I think all of us do, poly or not. And this is where you vent that stuff, you shouldn't feel the least bit bad about it!

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

ohhhhh I get it now and I agree with Debra there shoudl be a special place just for you guys. Next time you go out you pick the place. That way it can be for the 2 of you guys.