Thursday, August 21, 2008


In other places I have written about compromising. To me it is the number 1 negative in a plural marriage even above sharing.
Some one recently wrote in their polygamy blog that they hate living with cats!! Oh did I so relate!
I hope you all don't get tired of reading about compromising because I am fixated on it. As a plural wife, compromising is a huge part of my life and I have to assume with most plural wives.

Whether it's living with cats, dogs, turtles or ferrets...
What color to paint the bathroom...
Where to hang the new hammock in the yard...
Or cleanliness standards...
Compromising is a pain, and a constant reminder that it's not your nest. If nothing else.

I guess if everyone had their own house like on HBO's Big Love, it might be simpler. But no matter what, so much time is spent together, at least in our marriage, and then of course there are the inevitable compromises in the schedule - if there is a schedule. We have one, I highly recommend it.

Compromising so much puts a lump in my throat, is that childish? That's the way I'm feeling tonight, sort of childish and selfish.

#2 here does the least compromising. I always wanted to be one of those girls in high school who has things under control "one way or another." She's one of those girls and I'll be damned but I will figure out one day how she does it.
#1 is total sacrifice and compromise. Makes me sad some days.
Me- I am not sure where I'm at on it cept I don't like it. It was really hard moving in to someone else's house though. I want to take the whole kitchen and rearrange every last thing so stuff is where I need it when I cook. Hubby says I will do that one day and to just be patient. It bothers him that I get sad about compromising, but I can't help it. This is all still very new.


3rd... said...

I guess your husband finds it difficult to understand since #2 and #1 found a way to make it work, probably because #1 is all about sacrifice so #2 was able to get her way.. but you disrupt the balance
All four of you have to find a new balance and then things will probably be much better

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

I moved into my friends house and I did that....I told her if I was going to cook EVER I needed it that way. Anyway I still could not do it. I could not live together with CW even though there are only 2 of us. We both like our freedom where affection is concerned. I don't think decorating and organising would be too difficult for us because we have very much the same tastes in things. Our problem would be the affection part plus we are both very sensetive in regards to hubbys affection towards us so she and I both know it would not work....we could live in a duplex type deal but that is as close as it gets. It blows my mind though that #1 and #2 share a room ....that is a little too close for comfort.

Dee and Elijah Sue said...

You are right about the compromises. I am more like wife number one in your family, my sisterwife is more like wife number 2. It works for us. If we ever added a third, she would have to be somewhere in the middle, or it would really throw things out of balance.

I did have a very difficult time "letting go" of some things. The kitchen was my domain, so I had a horrible time giving that up. I still cook, don't get me wrong, but since I am the working wife, and ES is the stay at home wife, she needed the kitchen to be the way she wanted it. She has to be able to have things where she can find them and where they work for her.

It took an adjustment period, but I got over it. I had to if our family was going to survive. So yes, compromise is a big part of plural marriage. But it is a big part of ANY marriage, right? Marriage is about give and take, coming up with what works best for everyone. Sometimes that means making sacrifices. We love each other, so we do what we can to make it work. Marriage is a continual work in progress.

I love my husband with my whole heart. I love my sisterwife with my whole heart. And I know they love me.

I don't think compromise is a negative thing. I think it is a growth exercise. I guess it is the difference between wanting and needing. I want the kitchen a certain way, but ES NEEDS it a certain way. Her needs exceed my wants. Does that make sense at all?

ES just had surgery and is coming home (finally) on Tuesday. I had to rearrange her kitchen. It pained me to do it, but I had to make sure it was wheelchair accessible. I had to smile, because I know I have grown enough to accept that it is HER kitchen.

I am going to add your blog to our bloglist, if you don't mind. We all have struggles, and it is nice to have others to empathize with and learn from.


new#3 said...

thank you for your thoughts and comment D, and of course add my blog I'll add yours if that's ok.

YOu are right any marriage has compromises, just not this many do they? lol..I'm adjusting, it will take some time. I think I am the one in the middle, not sure but I think so. Which is balance for hubby, just too bad #2 doesn't feel the balance yet I guess. I think my arrival threw her off balance.

Vee said...

I don't mean any offence. But to me a marriage is so intimate, so sacred. That having another person in it would seem like she were trespassing on my heart. I honestly don't get this.