Thursday, September 25, 2008

It's Been A Year of blessings mostly

It's been a year since I joined this family as the third wife. And what a year it's been! I willingly admit it hasn't always been easy or happy. But it's been an adventure, a satisfying one. Hubby tries very, very hard to make this a united and happy family. He is most tolerant and takes on much of the emotional burden and every day stress for all of us. This can leave us worried about him, his physical and mental health, as stress can be unhealthy.

I think we have a good marriage. We have two marriages, no we have ten marriages in total if you think about it. There is the marriage of two people (three of those) and then the marriage in total, giving each wife two marriages and hubby four. Wow. If you think about it that way, no wonder it's difficult at times. Think of how difficult just one marriage can be. I was in two monogamous marriages (well officially monogamous) before and believe me, it wasn't always easy.

But don't get me wrong here. It's also very enjoyable at times. During this year I moved in. That was an exciting time! I got to know two women much better than I had before. That wasn't always easy. I got in return for my efforts, three step children, a daughter - in - law and two step grandchildren. All of that in addition to my own brood of two plus a new grandchild. So my family has gotten much, much larger. I now get daily hugs and kisses from people of all ages!!

I am grateful in a way that isn't always tangible. I complain, I whine, I lament about compromise, sharing, noise, messiness, and lack of privacy. A recent anonymous poster commented on 3rd's blog that they are amazed at how plural women act as though they are shocked/surprised at their lot in life, or words to that affect. Well, yes duh. So what? To be honest here, there is no way one could prepare for all this unless they were born in to polygamy, and I wasn't. Would I choose this lifestyle for one of my children? I've been asked that question and the answer is probably not. Just as I wouldn't choose for one of my children to be "gay". But not because I disapprove of it, it is because it isn't for everyone and isn't the easiest path in life.

Am I always miserable and unhappy, hell no! I have a kind, considerate, and sometimes very romantic husband and a wonderful extended family. I have everything I need in life...well I could use more privacy, but nothing is absolutely perfect now is it?

Life is good. It beats the alternative and it's better than before.


Anonymous said...


Honestly, if you had a choice in a perfect world would you:

Prefer a monogamous relationship with your husband over the polygamous one you have now or vice versa?

Anonymous said...

The fact that you say you could never have prepared yourself for the emotional rollercoaster a plural marriage sparks tells me that you must not have thought the thing through.

Did you not expect to feel insignificant and unsure of your decision while laying in your bed at night missing the company of your husband, knowing that he's lying with another woman? How could you not be concerned before hand and prepare yourself on how to deal with any incompatibility between you and the SW's?

These are very raw and fundamental issues that one doesn't have to be "born into polygamy" to understand as potential pitfalls. That's like saying, "Gee, I didn't know that writing bad checks was wrong because I wasn't born into a banker's family."

The jealousy, the lonliness for your husband, the manipulation, the tension, the insecurities, the frustration and the vagueness of disclosing your lifestyle should not have been a surprise to you. If they were then maybe you weren't ready for this type of relationship.

I have to say that when you write:

"Life is good. It beats the alternative and it's better than before."

It sounds as if the lifestyle really isn't your preference but it's better than nothing. It sounds like a compromise to me. Another interesting remark you say is:

"I have everything I need in life..."

There's a big difference between what you need and what you want. Need defines having bare necessaties or basics. Want denotes contentment and fulfillment.

Despite all that you write I detect a sigh of disappointment that you are sharing a husband with other women. Like you really want the whole pie, but if you can't have it then you'll settle for any crumbs that get thrown your way.

new#3 said...

Anonymous - re your first question:
Not that it's of any concern of yours but as I said in this post, I've had two failed "monogamous" marriages. Notice the quotation marks. Read this also as an answer to your.."it's better than before" question.

I never said I was on an emotional roller coaster. One of the purposes of my blog is to educate people who are curious or interested in this lifestyle so they know that plural life isn't just one big orgy of fun and frolicking. It's a real lifestyle that has it's ups and downs, like any other. None of it was a "surprise" I was prepared for whatever it would be and I thought it could even be worse at times. Jealousy, tension, insecurity prevail in many relationships.
You must either be very young or naive to think that marriage is always going to be a bed of roses.

I'm curious though as to why you persist in being so critical. As though you feel you can somehow "save" me or others from this life.
I have no problem answering questions if you have no problem toning down your condescending tone.

ps. I don't ever feel "insignificant."

Meggin said...

Wow - Ms. Anonymous sure is bashing the poly lifestyle today! I think its great that you made this decision for your life and looking back a year later are happier for it! I aslo think anonymous lives in a bubble if she's never had an experience that she wasn't 100% prepared for. You can prepare for lots of things, but some things you just can't "know" until you experience them. Obviously people who enter a poly life know these things are going to happen, but you really can't prepare for how you'll really feel/deal with it until you experience it.

Anonymous said...

I'm 46 and have been married a total of 26 years so I think I've got enough experience to know about relationships as much as the next person.

I don't live in a bubble and I can honestly say that before entering into anything voluntarialy I look at it from every angle and have a plan for whatever unfolds. That's how one becomes a survivor, not a victim.

I'm not bashing polygamy I'm merely stating observations. It's truly beyond me how anyone particiating in a plural relationship can be the least be surprised when they discover negative emotions and thoughts as a result of the dynamics of all involved in the plural relationship.

If I was contemplating on entering into such a relationship I can guarantee you that I would have run through every emotional scenario and had a strategy lined up to protect me from any disappointment or heartache. I would also seek psychological counseling in order to prepare myself mentally for the realities of such a relationship.

Regardless of how much I loved the man who might be my husband I would not let love overshadow the reality speed bumps of sharing him with other women or for go a lot of soul-searching as to how living a lifestyle like this would impact my birth family, friends, children, my career and my social standing in my community.

I'm not naive, just pragmatic. If women who participate in polygamy would approach it from a pragmatic standpoint they would save themselves a lot of grief and be better prepared to hand the emotional pitfalls they experience.

Dee and Elijah Sue said...

We marry for better or worse, whether monogamously or polygamously; you cannot plan for every little contingency or bend in the road.

LIFE is a rollercoaster, for cryin' out loud. But I would rather have a rollercoaster than a flat, straight road anyday.

You have made it a year, and that is a milestone. May you have many, many more milestones, and may the adventure have more pleasure than pain, more joy than sorrow.

~D of the Trouple House

Anonymous said...

Wow, Anonymous has lots of suggestions for anyone entering into a polygamous marriage. The thing is that almost all of her suggestions could be applied to someone considering entering a monogamous marriage also. The reality is that marriage is seldom a totally pragmatic decision, whether the marriage is mono or poly. I think she needs to step back and not be so judgemental.

3rd... said...

I think anonymous is boring.. who would want to be married to someone that has everything planned out and know exactly how to respond to any circumstance and is never emotional - experiences no lows .. gosh - I get tired just by reading your words..

When there are lows, there are also highs - we are no robots, there is no need to control everything - to be in control of every emotion. What kind of childhood did you have that made you so wary of feelings I wonder..
It sounds to me as if you are hiding fear of life, of being human, of being weak, by claiming this superior position of control - of having it all figured out.

Disciple said...

Congratulations, new, on your 1st anniversary!

And on your recent birthday! Your husband had some very nice ideas for you ... took some notes, you know :-) ...

Wishing you many happy returns of both occasions!

(I really don't think that a bed of roses would be the least bit comfortable BTW.)