Saturday, September 22, 2012

Dream Ended

My journey in plural marriage is done. Foolishly I thought being away would perhaps spark the old feelings and rescue what was left of my part in the marriage...I was wrong.

The youngest boy kept me there...actually, I do believe he kept me alive during the worst of fighting breast cancer and during the worst of the marriage. I had known him since he was barely two years old and I could see my influence on him. Unlike his father and older brother, he is a social being. Dropping him off or picking him up from preschool was a joy. But I digress. Truth is, the youngest grandson in that house, also aided me in my decision to never return. I don't want to hurt him or his siblings by coming and going and coming and going. I hope someday someone will explain that to them.

I feel relief. Sadness. Frustration. Some Anger, mostly at myself. I was surprised there has been no grieving on my part for relationships lost, a marriage gone. Then I realized that I had grieved for that long ago. I have never experienced as much heartbreak as I felt when I was there. I'm a person that cherishes alone time, but I grew to feeling so alone. More than being alone, I was always even in the midst of all the many people who were in and out of that house ... just alone.

There will be no contact with what had become my other family. No phone calls, emails, Christmas cards. I am sorry for any hurt I have caused. So sorry that the dream ended. The hopes I had for a new, better life; for love and happiness and fun have been gone for quite a while. Truth is only the young children missed me all this time I've been gone. I try to remember the good times, but it's a stretch because they are long ago. Unfortunately they are replaced by memories of deception and pain, as though I had been emotionally raped and stripped of everything I ever held dear; especially a lifetime of working on my self-esteem. Financially I have gone from sailing on a ship to far away places to being strapped and stressed beyond my wildest dreams.

So, while I may not disapprove of the plural lifestyle, for me the journey has ended. the dream has vanished. And I am, I hope, alone in a good way.

7 comments:

Older and Weiser said...

I hope you are able to find peace and strength along your journey, wherever it may lead you.

Warm hugs,

~D

new#3 said...

D, I'm staying at this blog until I figure out another one...thank you for the well wishes, but this isn't the last you will hear from me :) I just thought I would put to rest any speculation that my relationship was over...it most definitely is.

Border Collie said...

I finally have a computer that works again so have the chance to post. I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted them to, but so glad you see that the best thing to do was to get out. The way you were treated astounded me. Certainly the disrespect and lack of caring were evident during your illness, and the happiest memories for you are of your little one and the ladies in the painting class. The little boy will always be in your heart, and the painting will enrich you forever. I so look forward to more posts on any topic.

wiccanwoman said...

I send you love. I have felt what you now feel, but that was long ago, and my world is so much better now.

Namaste.

http://wiccanwoman.wordpress.com/

Natja's Natterings said...

Wishing you all the best in the future xx133

Cameron VSJ said...

Hi,

I have a quick question about your blog, would you mind emailing me when you get a chance?

Thanks,

Cameron

new#3 said...

Cameron you didn't give me your email address..ask the questions in "comments" and say don't publish and then give me your email address to answer. thanks