Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Snowy Winter Blues

It's snowy and frigid here where I am making my new life. Sometimes I really miss the warm/hot climate where I lived in the plural family. Even if it got cold it never lasted long. I miss the heat. And I miss the little boy who stole my heart.

“If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever.” 

I said almost those exact words to him once. I am inside  your heart and you are inside mine. He would ask me to repeat it on occasion. I hope, I really, really hope, he remembers that. I hope they haven't contaminated his feelings for me. His brother was older by a few years and we weren't as close; his baby sister was not much more than newborn. He however was two years old and just learning to talk and do the things little boys do, when I moved there. He was and I'm sure is a sweetheart. I don't know why he loved me so, but he did, and his company kept me strong when I needed to be strong. He saved me from wallowing in my depression. He was my only joy during those days. One or two friends helped, but that little boy loved me, wrinkled and bald. And I am just so sorry I never said goodbye.

I am battling winter depression, this I know. But I think this year it's at it's worst. The weather isn't co-operating, and I'm spending a great deal of time alone and doing nothing. I'm not motivated to paint or write. I have a hard enough time starting a simple chore. I have my kids and my grandkids and my sisters; but I don't have one friend that lives nearby. No one to laugh with, have some wine and watch a stupid television show with. No one to shop with, or complain to. I babysit. That is what I do now. Then I go home or send them home, and collapse.

They are my joy now, my beautiful grandchildren. That should be enough I know. But I worry about them, for them and pray they will be fine. They love me and look forward to seeing me. They greet me with open arms and kisses. But I can't fully enjoy it because I am so worried about them. And I'm so depressed about just about everything.  I hope I will be in their hearts forever, because they will be in mine.

I wish I could snap out of this.

Maybe when the sun comes out and melts the snow.


Anonymous said...

Hi their, I have just read your entire blog in one set. I am trying to learn about living in a polygamous relationship. Because I have been approached about joining one. We are all at the very early stages with it all. But I feel it is good to think about it. Anyway thank you for your blog and sharing your journey with people.

Jeffro2574 said...

Whoa. Had some rare time to myself, found you, and read your blog start to finish. I feel like I should KNOW you, but I guess I just know a few chapters of your life that you have on here. Firstly, I want to thank u for all you shared-and to say I think it brave and admirable! I plan on checking in so I hope u do too! I suppose its odd but I care for you and hope to hear more. You may have left plural marriage but I betcha the world, like me, wants to see your "chapters" that are to come. Oh, I want to mention the fact u felt like a failure relating to the end of your plural marriage. I do not agree. Looks like you gave much more than u took in those relationships. You said too all have got to give it their all and compromise. I think that you made some mistakes, sure...but you have it your all. How can you expect more than that? I don't kno your feelings about it, but if I were treated the way u were when u were so sick, i'd pack as soon as I was well. Folk's true colors come thru at hard times, and you saw all u needed to make a choice. That was brave, too! Thanks again and take care!