Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Good news and conflicts I think about constantly

Some good news...I am painting again. Completed two new paintings and gave them away. I wasn't very thrilled about them because they were in a new medium for me, acrylics, but the people I gave them to liked them so voila, instant gift! D asked to see some of my work, as soon as I can figure that out I will share. Some not so good not so sure news...I still don't know when I will be returning to Hubby's house. It's a huge distance and I do miss the family, but not all the confusion to be honest. I find I miss Hubby's friendship and companionship, oddly enough most often when I am watching tv alone at night. I miss the grandchildren tremendously. My conflicts are too many and too confusing to list here in full but I know for certain what some of them are. My biological family. They really don't want me to go back except to pick up my things, which would be an enormous project. And very, very emotional. As I get older conflict is not something I look forward to. But I do miss some of my things, particularly books and photographs. I have become very attached to the grandchildren here. At the point at which I left our finances were strained in that we were all living pay check to pay check, and not always so well. I brought half my income here so that I can exist, but I find more and more that it isn't enough. Easy solution would be to go back, a much more difficult would be to take more money from the family pot. In a way I'm not sure that's fair to them since they are going through some major financial problems at the moment. #2 lost her job and hasn't found a new one! The eldest son needs surgery and can't go back to work until that is finished and he goes through rehab. The conflict? One of my sons is out of work, the one with a family. It is super expensive to live here. I feel, perhaps irrationally, very torn up inside about all this. Another problem that has multiple facets to it is the state of our marriage....see? I could go on and on.... More good news is that the coldest of the weather seems to be gone. Spring, my second favorite season, is here! I haven't started keeping a daily journal again...I don't know why. And I haven't gone back to writing for the website I used to write for, again, not sure why that is. I wish some of my favorites like NTPW/H and Older/Wiser would start blogging again, I miss reading them. And BC, you should really start a blog!


Border Collie's Mum said...

I've thought about a blog, but it would not have a theme so don't know what I'd call it. Part life, part my loves (the dogs), part relationships, part philosophy, part politics==eclectic musings?

Don't know what to say about your current situation. I know you say you miss the grandchildren at the other home, but did you also say you've gotten close to the grandchildren that are the biological ones, or did I misunderstand & you have no biological grandkids? I always think the blood connection is the one that really stands up. At least in most cases, and they do clarify that they really want you. That counts for a lot.

I have no talent for painting, but eventually want to make some clothes pretty with iron on and embroider on, that sort of thing just for fun. Also want to dabble in ancestry for a year or so. Not right now. When the husband goes, I have to think of where to go to have backup for me if hospitalized, and someone to take dogs if I go first, and inherit what I have. I have someone in mind here in Ca. and someone in N.C. It would be so much cheaper to live in N.C. Well, I'll think about it later. I have a lot of going crazy, I'm sure, to do first.

So good to see you posting again.

Non-Traditional Polygamist Wife said...

I will be blogging again in the new few days. We have made a few changes that have kept us super busy. We moved into a new house and I have been busy painting and decorating.

It is the super busy time of year for my work, so I often am working very late into the night or early morning.

And at the moment, my gallbladder is rebelling so I am on massive meds. But it not serious.

I simply have not had time to post, but I have notes all over hte place of topics I want to cover.

I will also respond to your post probably tomorrow because as always I have my two cents to add (laughs)

Border Collie's Mum said...

What bothers me is that when your family thought you looked so fresh and happy, you were "dating" your husband. That relationship seemed to be for longer than the living together part. From then on, it seems there were plenty of problems. That's natural, of course. But still..... And now you give them half of what you have financially and your reward is what? I don't see the caring and missing you I'd like to see. I see you being moved around when you are there, and boxed up and put away when you are not. I feel like that is bad treatment, and I like you and don't like to see it. I hate to see suffering (your cancer as well as your spirit) and would expect more of the new family. I honestly have come to really like you and care about you, and feel, maybe wrongly, that the biological family actually have your back.

Anonymous said...

I have been following you for quite some time, and I hate to say it, but it is GLARINGLY OBVIOUS to me that your marriage is over. Like you know, many relationships do not survive sickness, and throughout yours, his level of commitment showed all too well. Even if you put aside your issues with #2, you don't have a happy marriage to go back to. Where's the confusion? I agree that relationships take work, but there comes a point that it's like you're trying to build a castle out of pebbles. You have said you wanted to try polygamy because you failed at monogamy, but I'm thinking you're just not falling in love with men that make you happy. Forget the labels. Whatever you and your "husband" had, the spring is now gone from your step and the smile is now gone from your face. Cut your losses, and be thankful there's no divorce papers to file. As far as your money, WHY do you think it's fair that they are getting half of your income while you're not even there? They are currently no more than your ex-roommates who don't miss you- so WHY should they get any money at all? I'm sorry for being harsh, and I know you invested 3 whole years with that group, but wake up and take control of your life. You're not old, and there are other men in the world. Get a house near your children, and make yourself a real life!

new#3 said...

BCM - I value your opinions and I'm tucking them inside to brew. Yes I have biological grandchildren as well as the others. My family puts up with a lot from me and I love them more than I can express. I also have guilt feelings that are difficult to get over.

Anonymous - Not harsh, but blunt. lol..and that's fine. I wish you didn't post anonymously since there are so many who do.

You both must think I'm foolish and sometimes I feel I am. I just don't know, if you know what I mean by that. I just don't know. I hate it when dreams crash. I thank you for your honesty.