Monday, July 18, 2011

Off Course

Wow seems I'm posting a lot! There is just so much on my mind.
I feel like I've failed here. I feel as though no one here likes me, let alone loves me, except for the small children. Look, truth be told, I'm a pretty opinionated person, always have been. I've tried to keep it under check because folks here don't like opinionated people it seems. I'm from New York, New Yorkers tend to speak their mind. For thirty years I lived with a man who tried to suppress me, then I met this man and he seemed to like everything about me....well his family doesn't and his family is very important to him as it should be. I have been thinking of all of them as my family also but there is a great deal of truth to the old axiom "blood is thicker than water." None of my blood is involved in this family. Even #2 is the mother of the wife of hubby's oldest son. Ouch! Have I ever mentioned that before? Well it's true. Everyone here has a place, I'm the misfit. This is no one's fault. It just is. I am easily disposed of, not that anyone has tried to dispose of me god forbid, but it's an underlying truth.
I'm not sure why I'm feeling so negative, I think perhaps it's because I went through something that required me to be loved unconditionally and I wasn't. That's it.
Then honestly there is the fact that I didn't raise these grown-up children and I don't understand them anymore than they understand me. I don't feel respected by them.
Gosh, this post has gone way off course, sort of like my life. I'm just very, very sad that I'm leaving and I want them to want me to return. I want someone to show in someway that I will be missed. Someone just the other day asked me if hubby was spending more time with me than normal because I'm going away...I was puzzled. What do you mean I asked. The response was you know, has he said to the other wives, #3 and I need some extra time in the next few weeks, to do things together to cement our bond....WOW. What a concept! The answer..NOPE. And there doesn't seem to be any intention to do that. I casually mentioned this conversation to Hubby just now and he got that puzzled look he gets...and said, we spend every day in the office together. Um so does #2 so do all the that's not what I meant Hubby dear. And, just as when I was lying in bed suffering from my bi-lateral mastectomy and chemo, no special consideration was given then, none will be given now. That my friends is the crux of the problem. It's every woman for herself here.


Deorccwen said...

Ouch! :(

Is there any chance of sitting down with your husband to explain in plain words how you're feeling, your fears, and what you need from him to help you through? It's harder to ignore plain words than a hint. And honestly, some people are not so good at understanding that a hint *is* a hint, and need to have it spelled out to them.

Safe journey, and I hope things work out for the best for you.

Kimberlee said...

Just read this blog from the beginning... hope all works out for you!