Saturday, June 16, 2012

depression

I didn't realize how long it had been since I last posted. No excuses, I just haven't felt like it. This journey .... I don't know what to say anymore frankly. To be even more brutally honest, my depression seems to have overwhelmed me.

I've suffered from depression on and off for most of my adult life, or so it seems. Throughout my 20s, 30s and even 40s, I managed to control it by myself. I used to just chase it away when it would pop up. Plus, children, especially when they are young, have a way of helping you smile and laugh, and laughter truly is good medicine. I practiced yoga on and off for years; and I always had a large circle of friends. I was busy. If I woke up sad, I learned to brush it off. Unfortunately I think what happens when you are busy trying to keep your sanity is that you neglect other things; make bad decisions; clumsy mistakes; and sometimes let anger take over emotions. There were even times when I had such terrible anxiety that my nerves literally would get the best of me. Eventually, at one difficult time I sought help from a doctor and started taking anti-depression and anxiety medications.

Today I woke up confused. Is this sadness? Anger? Just a funk? Medication doesn't always work...better decision making helps just as much even more sometimes. Decision making has always and continues to be my worst character flaw I think. Two hours after waking up, I just sunk in to despair. All I could think of was how I had ruined my life, my kids lives, probably all three of the husbands I've had, and god knows who else's lives. Remorse and guilt swept over me like huge waves crashing on the beach. After about ten minutes of self-pity I stood up and took some deep breaths. I'll get over this just as I always have. I will hug my grand-babies and smile because that is what I do. I will accept, eventually, that a loving, happy relationship is just not meant to be. I will not let heartbreak and guilt overcome the rest of my life.

I finally understand how my mother (now deceased) felt years after my dad passed away. More than once she would say, "I just need to touch someone and have them touch me." I was so busy at the time being touched (hugged, grabbed, tickled, kissed, patted, etc)by my young children and husband that I didn't empathize at all....Ma, I am so sorry.

5 comments:

Older and Weiser said...

Depression sucks. It saps your energy, and warps your perception. Do not accept that you will never experience a happy, fulfilling relationship. That is the depression talking.

You are right, however, not to let guilt rule your future. Forgive yourself, forgive others, and move on. Easier said than done, but it will lift a weight off of your shoulders.

Sending you cyber hugs. I know they are a poor substitute for the real thing, but they are genuine.

Border Collie said...

Please feel my cyber hugs as well. They are coming your way. You need my Mikey. He goes 100 miles an hour all day, and you can't touch him even as he runs past, he's that fast. The paramedics at 3 fire stations now know him and Patch, and enjoy them both. Anyway, at night, he will very gently crawl up my chest and nestle his head on my shoulder and rest oh so sweetly. He'll reach over and kind of nibble/lightly kiss along my jaw line a little. Feels very good.
I know depression and indecision very well. Hate it. I'm better off not giving myself choices whenever I can. I think many of us should live on the same street and be a support for one another. I thought that would be an advantage of polygamy but don't ever see any evidence of it at all. I've seen so much more support in a convent, and the women there admit it's not easy and they don't always like each other. They do a much better job of providing suport tho. More of us in society need to do this, and as time goes on, it is more and more necessary.
Will contact you again soon. As you know, I'm in crisis too. With great caring and regard for you, I am BC's mum.

new#3 said...

Both of you are so kind. Thank you for the hugs. Today is a better day thankfully.

D - I hope you are still happy in your new home. Thank you for the new posts, I hope you don't think I was prying.

BC's mum - Thank you for taking the time to comment. I appreciate it, especially considering all that you are going through. I think only in the very rare and very best of circumstances polygamy can provide loving support from the women involved. I know what you're talking about because I went (believe it or not) to a convent boarding school back in the dark ages when I was a teenager. I know you are going through a very rough time right now, but if you feel the need to vent just email me.

I always look forward to hearing from you...both of you.

Older and Weiser said...

Just checking it to see how you are doing. I have been thinking of you and worrying. I know how debilitating depression can be.

More cyberhugs.

new#3 said...

I'm feeling better thanks D. And I think I'm coming to some decisions, which may help.