I wasn't able to fly home for my 6 month check up with my oncologist, so I found one here...It was kind of weird going to a different doctor but I did it yesterday. Somehow this feels like an accomplishment :) I didn't fly for several reasons, the two most important: 1) It was too expensive. and 2) I was nervous about it.
It seems like I've been gone so long...I am worried about my relationship with Hubby. We don't seem to communicate from a distance with the ease I thought we would. After all, we had a long distance relationship for many years, why isn't this working this time? I honestly thought putting a distance between us would help bring us closer again. I really thought it would, but it hasn't. Oh my god I miss those grand babies! I don't think they could possibly understand how much. But I didn't enter in to this plural marriage for the grand babies it included, so I have to try not to focus on my love for them so much. I even miss the extended family..nieces, etc. I miss the practicality of #1 and her sisterly ways. I wish I could say I miss #2 but I'm not sure I do. Hubby, well I'm just confused about him. I miss him and yet it's different than when I used to miss him.
Having cancer changed me. It changed our relationship too. But it didn't change me necessarily for the better or our relationship either. I don't want to say I've become a selfish, self-absorbed person, but I do find myself focusing on myself. I want what I want. I don't feel like doing a lot of things I used to do regularly, like writing for instance, or cooking. The changes in the relationship with Hubby are super complicated and hard to explain, but they are bold and bothersome.
I keep thinking these issues are going to resolve....but honestly, I don't think he misses me one bit. Ok, maybe one bit but not much more than that. At one time I thought we had an extremely close relationship, like best friends...but I'm not feeling that vibe so to speak at the moment and haven't ever since I got sick. Having and fighting cancer changed all that.