Thursday, January 26, 2012

Cancer Changed Things

I wasn't able to fly home for my 6 month check up with my oncologist, so I found one here...It was kind of weird going to a different doctor but I did it yesterday. Somehow this feels like an accomplishment :) I didn't fly for several reasons, the two most important: 1) It was too expensive. and 2) I was nervous about it.

It seems like I've been gone so long...I am worried about my relationship with Hubby. We don't seem to communicate from a distance with the ease I thought we would. After all, we had a long distance relationship for many years, why isn't this working this time? I honestly thought putting a distance between us would help bring us closer again. I really thought it would, but it hasn't. Oh my god I miss those grand babies! I don't think they could possibly understand how much. But I didn't enter in to this plural marriage for the grand babies it included, so I have to try not to focus on my love for them so much. I even miss the extended family..nieces, etc. I miss the practicality of #1 and her sisterly ways. I wish I could say I miss #2 but I'm not sure I do. Hubby, well I'm just confused about him. I miss him and yet it's different than when I used to miss him.

Having cancer changed me. It changed our relationship too. But it didn't change me necessarily for the better or our relationship either. I don't want to say I've become a selfish, self-absorbed person, but I do find myself focusing on myself. I want what I want. I don't feel like doing a lot of things I used to do regularly, like writing for instance, or cooking. The changes in the relationship with Hubby are super complicated and hard to explain, but they are bold and bothersome.

I keep thinking these issues are going to resolve....but honestly, I don't think he misses me one bit. Ok, maybe one bit but not much more than that. At one time I thought we had an extremely close relationship, like best friends...but I'm not feeling that vibe so to speak at the moment and haven't ever since I got sick. Having and fighting cancer changed all that.


Border Collie said...

Husband has cancer along with heart failure and so many problems you wouldn't believe it. I know a lot of the time he is just plain scared. I don't blame him. But he never talks about anything. He's been sick in bed all week and I don't know what's wrong with him.

Being sick does change you and you surely have to redirect your energy. I was exhausted for a long time with worry for husband and taking him to doctors of one kind or another or for treatments for 2 years. I dread starting up with again.

He was good about; didn't complain about chemo and radiation. Had a lot of surgeries too that he was fairly good about. I think the cancer scares him a lot. You need to concentrate on you, and realize that with the other situation, it is what it is. You know he should have more concern; he doesn't. You have your life now to look forward to. I think of you a lot and wish the best for you.

Older and Weiser said...

I think you are going through a self-awareness/growth phase. You are doing what you need to do for YOU. I am proud of you for finding a doctor locally. I think this time away, though hard, is giving you some much needed perspective and has helped you to determine more what you want and don't want in a relationship.

When you are ready, you will talk with your plural family about all that you have learned about yourself, and what the experience was like when you were at your lowest days battling the cancer. Be ready to listen to things from their perspective as well. They may have felt shut out, helpless, angry, guilty, clueless...

Don't beat yourself up. I know you miss the grandbabies. Would it be possible for hubby to come for a visit so you could have some much needed one-on-one time to talk?

As always, I am wishing you wellness and wholeness, in body, mind and spirit.


Deborah said...

I found your blog in my search on plural families. It breaks my heart knowing all you are going through and yet you seem all alone. It might be that you need this time alone and that is why it's being given to you - to think, meditate...pray
I hope things went well at the oncologist and that you have not posted in a while because you are talking with your plural family and getting things back on track! Wishing you the best of everything.

Border Collie said...

Would love to have an update from you, how you are feeling. Can't see an email for you so hope you check and see this

new#3 said...

Thanks for your comments. BC I've posted sort of an update today. D I'm wishing for a visit from Hubby and the little ones at some point. Deborah, please keep in touch. I would love to read your blog and hoping you can send me the link. Yes, I desperately needed time alone!

new#3 said...

By the way Border Collie, I receive email alerts when someone leaves a comment. :)