Christmas and New Years

I've always had a hot and cold relationship with the Holidays. As a child I used to throw up every Christmas Eve...I guess the excitement. As a teenager and college student New Year's Eve was always a time of angst for me. I wasn't allowed to go out with friends or even to a house party. I was expected to stay home with the family. We had a party at home and it wasn't all misery but it usually had me either embarrassed or angry or resentful. My parent's home always looked so beautiful for Christmas. I always found it odd that once we all moved and especially after my Dad passed, she didn't fuss about Christmas at all.

As an adult, and a parent Christmas was a huge amount of work, but fun non-the-less. A shopper I'm not. Shopping to me is a headache, a chore tolerated for the children's sake. I did always enjoy decorating the tree and collected ornaments that hold a great deal of sentimental value. All of them are at hubby's house. I love driving around and looking at all the outdoor decorations. Always sad when their time is up and the outdoors goes back to looking bleak.

In my plural family, hubby makes a huge deal over Christmas, decorating to the nines, shopping, cooking, the works. I have to admit he does a great job. We all help where we can but he's definitely in charge of it. I always found that to be somewhat of a relief, no pressure put on me to make the perfect Christmas. The only challenge was getting used to new traditions and trying to blend my taste with my sister wive's tastes.

Here where I am, I'm just Grandma. Not in charge of anything and that's ok. Not great but ok. I have a little fake tree that I bought some cheap ornaments for, and my sister will make a nice Christmas for all of us I'm sure. New Year's Eve I will probably be alone or with one of my boys. Very low key.

I'm beginning to understand my mother more and more. I miss her.

In case I don't blog before the holiday gets here, I hope you all have a good one filled with love.

My Thoughts on Child Abuse

This little rant may sound crazy if it's misunderstood but here goes~

I am horrified by the amount of child abuse in this country and for all I know elsewhere in the world. The number of children sexually abused; physically abused; neglected and/or murdered is astounding! Some days it almost seems that that is all there is on the news. The mental illness that precipitates these actions boggles the mind of experts. If only there were the resources to swoop down and take these poor children to safety the way they took the 400 plus children from Warren Jeff's compound!!

Yes there is terrible abuse or mistreatment of children in some fundamentalist polygamous sects, but I can't help thinking that the outrage from the world at large had more to do with the polygamy part than in concern for children in general. Sound stupid or crazy? Maybe. But the negative judgement of polygamy may have affected the authorities zeal for the raid. After all, where are the authorities or the relatives who may see or suspect abuse in the rest of the country. Look at the Penn State case. Everyone who could do something turned a blind eye on the situation. That shocks me. If nothing else, someone could have gone to a newspaper and told the story when no one else paid any attention.

Similar cases of ignoring pleas for help or horrible suspicions take place all the time. The Catholic Church for instance. The teachers or principals who ignore bruising, constant absences and malnutrition.

There is no band-aid solution to this national epidemic. But I think it would do well for authorities to concern themselves more with these children than how many wives a man may have.

Sons

Well, if you don't already know, I moved from Hubby's home more than 1600 miles to my sister's home to be closer to my kids, particularly the youngest who is ill, needs my help and who has given me the most amazing grandchildren.

My boys (young men) and I are pretty close considering their gender. However, it's not the same as the daughter/mother thing I see with my sisters who have daughters. So although I am the babysitter on call at any moment, and although my first born moved here as well, I still spend a great deal of time alone. It's frustrating at times. Not to mention that because of his illness, and because of his "marriage" he truly does need me to help him with some things...but he is resisting, based on the fact that he is an "adult."

I was both mother and father to them growing up as they aren't close to their dad at all. I feel badly about that. I see how close Hubby's sons are to him, and how much they enjoy each other's company and realize my kids have never had that with their dad.

I was the one who drove them to soccer practice, attended all their games, took them to their first major league baseball games, and listened to their woes about girls. But I don't think it's the same as having a dad do those kind of things. Their father took them camping, fishing and snowmobiling..he tried. Oddly though these aren't things they do as adults.

Anyway, sons are just different than daughters and sometimes I feel as though I'm in the way. They really don't seem to notice that mom is sitting in front of the tv for 3 days and at this point in their lives I'm not all that much fun, I guess. They have their lives to live. I never want to be the mother that meddles or inserts herself into things that aren't her business.

Am I feeling wistful and a little lonely? Yes. Do I want to have a pity party? No. It just is what it is.

None of this was forefront in my mind when I was caught up in falling in love, moving and changing my whole life. Which only makes me feel badly that I wasn't there for them for a few years. It also makes me miss the chaos that is back in Hubby's home. But notice, if you will, that I said Hubby's home.

"Sister Wives" Women in Love Need Time

I've watched the season finale of "Sister Wives" again, and I have to say as much as I admire the friendship between Meri and Robyn, I wish I could take more of a liking to Robyn. I wish I wasn't feeling unsettled about the Brown family, and disappointed in Kody.

I totally understand Christine and even Janelle's hesitancy toward her. Christine admits it...she hasn't been totally welcoming to Robyn. They may even miss the close relationship they thought they had, with Meri, but apparently wasn't enough for Meri...

Dare I say it's Kody's fault? Picture perfect Kody? He usually is so good at being loving toward everyone. However his blemishes have come out since Robyn became #4. He is still smitten with her like a school boy. And for some reason, the Brown children haven't completely accepted Robyn's children by her first marriage, and aren't thrilled with the new baby. This leads me to believe that Kody isn't spending enough quality time with all the children, and he really may want to think twice about he and Robyn having another.

As for Robyn's offer to Meri...If that would include transplanting a fertilized egg of Meri's in to Robyn then sure, I guess.

You know I realize it's difficult being a polygamous husband. I just think Kody added to his problems by adding a 4th wife. He may have enough love to go around to everyone including the kids, but there are only so many days in the week. His marriages are love marriages, not arranged by some prophet. Women in love require time. Which is why I always made such a big deal about a schedule.

If Kody doesn't figure out how to make everyone feel appreciated and equally loved he runs the risk of becoming very unhappy, which would be a shame. He thinks all his problems will be resolved by moving everyone to their very own cul-de-sac....Well it would be a start, but realistically when is that going to happen? The Browns seem to dream big. I hope they get their dream.

Waiting For The Spark

I watched the Conrad Murray sentencing yesterday on live tv, by myself. Before I go any further let me say honestly that I'm a news junkie; a crime junkie; a political junkie; and I'm not ashamed. It's a habit, all this news watching that I got from my mother. It was reinforced with the advent of the 24 hour news cycle and accelerated during and after the 9/11 tragedy. It's something hubby and I used to share. I miss that.

I'm missing him, even though I'm terribly angry with him. I don't even know all the reasons I'm angry...but somehow disappointment in certain things turned to anger. I am easy to forgive so please know I forgive him for the disappointments and the overwhelming challenges I faced entering in to a plural marriage. I'm not a child and I'm fairly smart and I knew it would be difficult. No one has ever accused me of wearing rose colored glasses. He says he misses me but I'm not sure I believe that.

So here I sit, waiting for a spark to reignite the fire, so to speak. Only then will the anger dissipate.

Thanksgiving

I am starting to miss the hustle and bustle of the holidays in our poly household. Hubby is really really good at holidays, as I've probably mentioned before. He, with the help of #1 and me, cooks up a storm. There is always a ton of leftovers. No bickering or fighting allowed, period. And just with the immediate family it's a crowd! When his brother, nieces and cousins join us like on Christmas Eve, it's quite festive and fun.

Thanksgiving is my favorite though because of the lack of pressure about gifts etc. I had to get used to not being "in charge" of the meal, but that wasn't too hard to do. lol... One time I stuffed a turkey as well as having the stuffing separate but that was only once. #2 threw a royal fit because he never allowed her to do that, so that was the only time. She took the joy out of that little tradition. However my mashed potatoes and gravy were added to the meal and stayed.

My sister's husband is cooking the meal this year. As he always does. He doesn't want help with it, which I guess is fine. It's just another reminder that I am basically homeless. I know that sounds dramatic. It's not like I don't have a roof over my head every night. Obviously I do. But it is always someone else's roof. This is a situation that won't be resolved any time soon so I just may as well get used to it and be thankful. I am cognizant of the fact that many, many people have far less than I have. We will be joined by my children, my grandchildren, and her husband's children. It will be very nice.

I am thankful also to have the love of my family; to have good food to eat; my health (except for the darn head cold) for the most part; to have children who have good hearts; and a bunch of other small stuff. I hope you all have a healthy and happy Thanksgiving too.

A reminder of a painful time

I finally found a primary care doctor here. That's the good news, because I have quite a few prescriptions. The bad news is doctors aren't always smart. I don't know if I mentioned it before but I have something called Lymphedemia. It's something breast cancer patients develop a good percentage of the time. It has to do with the removal of lymph nodes making the flow of blood up and down an arm difficult, and it is usually precipitated by too many needles, shots, infusions etc. During the course of my treatment, my "better" arm took a beating and eventually just pooped out. Consequently, unfortunately for me, I have lymphedemia in one arm and the very good possiblility of getting it in the other arm, the one missing the most lymph nodes. I wear a medic alert bracelet that says no needles or blood pressure BOTH arms. You see the swelling that can develop is quite painful, and can be dangerous. So fast forward to this week...the dang doctor said he couldn't get a good reading of blood pressure from my leg so he insisted on using the arm that hadn't developed lympedemia yet. Not only was it painful to have the bp taken in that arm but my arm has been aching terribly since.

I'm so MAD because this isn't the first time I've run into this problem of doctors or nurses being ill prepared to take care of me because of the lymphedemia. Even in the Cancer Center I went to for all my treatments, the lab insisted on taking blood from my so called good arm. Luckily by the time my real good arm went bad the blood work was less frequent. But seriously, how can it be such a problem!!!? Why can't they just adjust and use my leg? I'll tell you why. Because if you've never had Lymphedemia, you can't understand how serious it is or how painful it is. It just looks like a little swelling. And even if you're a doctor, if you aren't a doctor that specifically treats lymphedemia (there is no such thing, doctors refer you to a physical therapy clinic, that's how they treat it, that and compression sleeves and gloves...really attractive btw), you apparently just don't know. Ugh. So aggravating.

All of this just served to remind me of all that has gone on in the past with my treatment of breast cancer. The endless doctor visits...all but the first few I did on my own by myself. Which in turn reminded me of the biggest problem in my marriage.......a problem that has little or nothing to do with polygamy. The fact that I felt so damn alone during that time. So unmarried. So friendless. So adrift. So freaking scared. Eventually, I ceased caring what I even looked like. I really didn't think anyone was ever looking at me. I never was one for a lot of makeup and trust me, cancer patients need make up like fish need water.

I'm sorry this is such a venting post. I'm just feeling very down, very confused and very angry .. mostly at myself.

Wake Up Thoughts

When I was at my worst phases of insomnia (hard to say, probably during menopause), I would lie awake most of the night unable to turn the "movie" off in my head. Those thoughts that keep going around and around inside your head - replays of the day; little aggravating thoughts about all kinds of things, not always so little; serious thoughts about finances, children, relationships - of course you know what I'm talking about. Those thoughts turn the hands on the clock from midnight to 4 am very quickly and can be quite troublesome. But I think I have topped them with my WAKE UP thoughts.

I'm not sure when these wake up thoughts first became problematic. All I know is they can be quite unsettling. These thoughts don't appear every morning and there is no way to prepare for them or to stop them.

Occasionally they are little sad thoughts. When hubby and I lived so very many miles away from each other, sometimes toward the middle of the time between our visits I would sometimes wake up and just as my eyes were opening, I would think of him and think "I miss him." Almost out loud.

When I was recuperating from my mastectomy, I would wake up angry! The thought - I'm so ANGRY- would literally form on my lips. It seems anger is a recurring theme in my "wake up thoughts." It can be about anything. It sometimes used to be about #2 and her possessiveness. Other times angry thoughts would emerge at dawn about something hubby had said or done that I found particularly upsetting. Occasionally, the thought would be about something sad, annoying, or almost trivial. Whatever the thoughts are about they have an urgency. They rouse me when usually I am difficult to awake.

The other day, I woke up and as clear as a bell my first thoughts were how I missed the 5 year old grandson I left behind. For some reason this startled me. I think I know why I had that wake up thought. That little boy was a constant source of affection for me. He hugged and hugged me, especially when no one else did. The human touch is so necessary. It is the sugar of life. When my father died for years I recall my mother saying: "I just want someone to touch me." This was disturbing to me because I know I hugged her on occasion, or took her arm crossing the street and so forth. I used to have a problem with being touched. I have an instinct to pull away. But that little boys hugs were more than welcome. They were the medicine I needed. And now I miss them.

Old friends...wow friends!

Just returned to my sister's home from a brief trip to visit with a few old friends in my hometown. At first I was feeling awkward (I just have a "thing" I guess about staying in other's homes) but soon I was feeling just fine. The trip was precipitated by one friend's illness. Her sister arranged for a couple of us to visit to cheer her up. I really miss my old friends. Because I didn't raise my kids anywhere near family members, my friends were really like family. I had lots of friends through the years. Friends with children similar ages, friends from the neighborhood, friends through work, friends who were parents of the kid's friends. Of course friends come and go but there was always a core group I saw on a regular basis. And some I saw rarely after a while but stayed in touch with.

FRIENDS. Something I lacked back home with hubby and #1 and #2. I'm sure I've posted about this before. It's no secret that it's difficult to maintain friends while practicing polygamy in the mainstream. Some folks manage it, I didn't seem to be able to for various reasons. And having a leisurely social life that includes some friends (especially girl friends to shop with and talk to and share and laugh with) is something I've missed.

Anyway, it was a busy 4 days and fun for me. I hope I don't go another year or two without seeing them. For me, my friends affirm who I am as a person. The person I grew to be. They know my foibles and my good points. They like me! Wow, friends!

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus...

Well...it's interesting - the mental/emotional differences between men and women. For instance a recent conversation with Hubby about his desire for me to return to the fold sooner than planned:

We just need to argue less. That's more or less what he said. How can he honestly think that arguing was our biggest problem unless he is from Mars?

There is nothing here in this blog that I haven't told him. He knows how I felt when I was undergoing chemotherapy. He knows how I feel about living all under one roof. He knows how I feel about what I can only describe as our lack of intimacy. And of course, he knows how #2 irritates the hell out of me. He even knows, and knew all along how differently I felt about money management than he feels. Jeesh...he knows because those were the things we argued about mostly. Oh ya, occasional arguments about other things but nothing worth mentioning. In actuality I've wondered along the way how our little "debates" during courtship turned in to arguments later on. Marriage? Quite possibly. Marriage, the single easiest way to start taking someone for granted, a love for granted, or have them take you for granted is to marry. Daily living? Maybe.

All I know is when he said that about arguing, a little laugh came out of me. I don't think he understood what I thought was humorous.

The sad thing is that he sounded like #2 to me when he said that. She has this way of simplifying EVERYTHING lol..seriously. And I can't tell you how many times in 3 1/2 years she admonished me for arguing with hubby. I would always respond, trust me, I am not arguing as much as I would like to. Just to hush her. Soooooooooo annoying coming from someone who is renowned for her hissy fits and sulking and pouting!!!!

Another thing that is odd is that we argued about living arrangements and such more in the beginning when I first moved in. Later on, ok I would mention that some things made me unhappy but I don't recall tons of arguing. I'll admit I have a bad habit of beating a dead horse sometimes. There! I admitted it.

Happiness, Is it the Key to Life?

How true how true! It's just common sense isn't it? Or maybe John Lennon's mother was just very wise. I think she was on to something. How to obtain happiness is the question.

Steve Jobs told everyone to "love what you do" or words to that effect. Love what you do for a living. Love your lifestyle choices. Love your home; love a hobby; etc. etc.

Love and happiness should go together like peanut butter and jelly in my humble opinion. Find someone to love who makes you happy...at least as happy as you allow yourself to be. Ahhh...that can be a problem for some people I think.

I seem to fall in love with men who have a difficult time being happy. Perhaps they feel they don't deserve to be happy. They have a hard time feeling comfortable with happy. Just my observation but I think I'm correct about this. What about this trait makes them attractive to me, or am I attracted in spite of their lack of overall happiness? Unfortunately, it's a trait that becomes annoying. In hubby's case, I have always tried to brush his "unhappy" off; or tried to replace it with "happy." Sometimes I was successful.

Anyway, happiness for me comes and goes. I'm happy about certain things but not everything, and in my mind not enough things. But there are things that definitely make my heart sing. All of my grandchildren for instance. Summer is a big source of "happy" for me. The ocean. Holy cannoli, bring me to the ocean and everything changes for the better...my allergies disappear; I smile, a lot; life feels better in general. Good food. Being near my children. Travelling to fun and/or relaxing places. A good book or movie. Finishing a painting. Writing something I'm satisfied with. A man who loves me including and in spite of my numerous faults.

Love and Romance and Family

I would like to recommend to new readers that they read the posts listed under "romance" especially, Love, romance and how I got here and Yesterday, everyday. I want you to know that my relationship with hubby wasn't always so sour. It was rooted in romance and an amazing love and respect for each other. Also, I knew about his being a polygamist before we ever met, actually from our first conversation, so know I walked in to this with my eyes open, a spring in my step and a smile on my face.

As I think upon what possibly has gone wrong, more and more I think most, if not all, of it has to do with me missing my family. Have there been problems, especially with #2, yes. But 1600 plus miles is a long way to move even when your children are grown...unless you are like a friend of mine who has the money to travel back and forth for every occasion and then some. I just missed them a whole lot but even more than that they missed me. I could suffer leaving my career, and friends behind, but there has been a deep emptiness from missing my kids.

I am a firm believer in the theory that couples need to put their relationship as the primary relationship and their children as second. However in reality I'm not sure that always works. My children, I thought, would perhaps move to where I was someday. But as time went on it became clear that wasn't going to happen ... and why should it? Where I was may as well have been a different country, another world. I went away seeking a happier life. Somehow, without my telling them they seem to have sensed I wasn't totally happier. But I also think after my cancer operation and treatment, when they saw me with almost no hair, looking so much older...I think they started to speak their minds about wanting me closer to them. Truth is, I really wanted to get to know my natural born grandchildren as well.

I remember when I was feeling so sick how I longed for more hugs, more empathy. Selfish I know. But it started, I think, the feeling of being lonely for my kids and I missed them more and more.

Anyway, read that section if you haven't already. I just did and it made me smile :) Hopes were so high at that time. Love was in the air. And in some ways I felt better than I ever had.

I doubt I will ever find that degree of romance again. Long courtships are wonderful and that's what we had.

All Relationships take work

Relationships with my kids, my grandkids, my sisters and with the family I've left behind for now, have been making me sad lately. I have been letting the guilt I feel when it comes to my kids get to me. I'm hoping it will pass as it usually does but to make matters worse Hubby all of a sudden seems to be missing me and pressuring me to come back. The holidays are approaching and he has a tendency to be sad around this time ... even though he does the actual holidays pretty well. He doesn't understand why I have to be here. The thing is I'm missing the grandkids on the other side of the country a lot and I am missing the nice warm Octobers they have there but I'm not missing all the built in stress of dealing with #1 and #2.

My relationship with #1 had deteriorated by the time I left. Something that was very distressing. She is basically a dear person. She has called me a few times and she answers the phone frequently so we talk. She also sends me photos of the kids. I've only talked to #2 once in these past couple of months and that was because she answered the phone and spoke to me very briefly; hubby was in the shower and she never gave him the message!!! Typical.

In my opinion plural marriage has pros and cons and one of the cons is the difficulty in dealing with sister wives. As I watch the TLC show Sister Wives I really concentrate on how well they get along. Even with the jealousies and all that, they truly like each other, love each other or so it seems. In the last episode I watched Kody, the husband, talks about how intricate and complicated the relationship is. First there is the "marriage" of all 5 of them. Then there are the separate and distinct "monogamous" relationship he has with each of the 4 wives. According to them they work on those a lot. Then, there are the relationships between each wife with one another! That's a lot of relationships!!! So in order for things to run smoothly all of those relationships have to be working. Of course I'm sure it's not perfect all the time, and they allude to the difficulties but the point is they each agree that it is all worth working on and they don't seem to have any animosities.

Another thing I've noticed is that they all seem to act like adults and don't go to Kody with their individual conflicts, when and if they occur. Even Christine, who has been worrying about her relationship with Kody, doesn't blame Robyn that Kody pays so much attention to her, she blames Kody and herself. It's refreshing.

I'm not sure #2 and I can ever live harmoniously with each other. Yes, we have some things in common, but our differences really stand out. If you came to our house you would notice it right away. In one of the recent Sister Wives episodes Janelle makes fun of (in a nice way of course) the way Robyn runs her relationship with Kody, all romantic and all...and Robyn defends herself saying that's the way her parents were all the time. That's what #2 does. The difference is #2 gets on everyone's nerves with the way she hovers over Hubby, and waits on him hand and foot like he is helpless or something. And the overtly sexual ways she has, the flirting and constant touching...oh and she'll complain out loud if she doesn't think she is having enough "private" time lol. It's quite annoying. Nope, sorry I don't miss that. She definitely has the Christine syndrome where she was used to being the "new" one for 15 years then I came along and spoiled that for her...in her mind, because Hubby certainly did his best to protect her feelings. It's hard for me to forget that it was her doing that led to me not living in my separate house.

I miss a lot of things. I miss watching tv with Hubby, discussing politics with him, cooking meals with him, but I don't miss the "marriage" of the 4 of us....yet. I feel badly about that but it's the truth. All of our separate and collective relationships need to be worked on,with the possible exception of Hubby and #2's marriage, and have for a long time. We tried occasionally to have little "wife meetings" which never seemed to change much of anything. Both of the other wives still go to hubby with their complaints about me, and I;m ashamed to admit I got in the habit as well....sigh.. I wish the others would understand that we need to "work" on all of it.

I should be stressed to the max...

Seriously, I should be biting my fingernails (not one of my vices thank goodness), or screaming, or burying myself in sleep, or spending mind numbing hours playing inane computer games, but I'm not.

1) I still haven't gotten back on depression meds or found a doctor here for primary care or cancer care, nor a dentist.

2) I'm far from what I have called home for several years and thus have few of the personal possessions I usually find comfort in. (books, trinkets, blankets, etc.)

3) I hate the weather here, may as well live in England or Seattle it's rained so much.

4) I miss those grandbabies back there terribly.

5) I even miss hubby's jokes (but not his mood swings).

6) The lack of appropriate funds is getting on my nerves.

7) I'm living in someone else's home (maybe I got used to that being a poly wife and living the way we do.)

8) I miss my bed. Omg, my bed! When I was so terribly unhappy in my former marriage I spent the last several years of it sleeping on a small two cushion loveseat in my home office. Once I moved to my own apartment I had all second hand stuff except for my one splurge....my expensive (at least in my opinion) queen size mattress and box spring. It was heaven! Gone were my chronic morning back aches. While I still had intermittent insomnia, when I did sleep I slept like a baby with a full tummy and a dry diaper. When I moved across the country I sold or gave away all the hand me down furniture I had collected but I dragged that bed with me. :( I miss it. Is that silly?

9) I haven't spent this much time with my grown children in....YEARS...gosh more than the three and half years I have been living in the southwest. For some reason, my kids are stuck in their teenage years, or at least in my mind they are, and I fret and worry even more when they are close than when they are far away. Ok maybe it's equal, but not as intense.

10) I don't have enough clothes with me for this climate.

Anyway, I should be stressed to the max and totally out of my mind but for some odd reason I'm not. I think about this stuff but it's not driving me to the brink of anything. It could be simply because my life is so simple, I'm not sure.

Me

I doubt I've ever mentioned some personal things about me that in retrospect may help in eventually understanding why a woman gives up everything near and dear to her to move FAR away and in to a plural marriage..although, the plural part is only part of it, as you may have realized by now.

For starters, I suffer from depression. I think throughout my life it has been an issue but became more acute as my children and I lived in an unhappy, stressful home. I never took medication for it until approximately 7 or 8 years ago. I did however occasionally see a therapist through the years. In other ways I handle stress well. I had an extremely stressful career for 15 years and for the most part was successful and enjoyed the work. Before that I worked for a small newspaper and loved, loved the grind to a deadline type of atmosphere there. I've worked on political campaigns and trust me they are more stressful than you can imagine. Anyway, I have depression. I have been off the meds for about 3 months now and have noticed that little things, like one of my adult children having a problem (not necessarily a big problem btw) can trigger weeping. So I'm on a search for a doctor. I need a doctor here in this location anyway.

I am indecisive. Please don't ask me to pick the restaurant or the flight time or anything else. Give me at the most 2 choices! Better yet, you decide. Because of this I think parts of my life have been left to others. If you read older posts you'll see how that has affected me. For instance, not moving in to my own house when I joined hubby and his 2 other wives. BIG MISTAKE.

I have trouble letting things go. Getting better at this when it comes to small stuff but still I have a tendency to go on and on about some things, especially in my head. This as you can imagine sometimes leads to insomnia, and lately along with my cancer medication and my age... I worry.

I hate the cold! Hate it. One of the things I looked forward to when I moved across the country 3 and a half years ago was the warmer climate. In a perfect world I would live in Mexico. I'm a beach person, unfortunately where I moved to was far from any beach. Now I'm near the ocean but the weather has turned. I used to like autumn but not so much anymore I'm discovering. I am a summer person.

I wrote for a living for quite a long time and thus sometimes I just want to write and write. So sorry to bore you with all this personal, not really poly type stuff. Did I mention I miss my real breasts?

Sister Wives, the show and me

So...the new season of the TLC show Sister Wives started last night. For about a week or so, the Brown family, minus a pregnant Robin, made appearances on early morning talk/news shows and were the subject of commentary on other shows. I didn't pay much attention except I did get annoyed when a talk show host I otherwise admire made some derogatory comments like, "it's kind of disgusting" and such, and lumping the Browns and others like them in with the "bad" polys like the infamous compound in Texas. I couldn't believe it.

Let me just say this about the Browns. You should watch the show, even try to see the last season if possible on demand or however. It's so interesting! I remember feeling upset when they decided to add a 4th wife, but they handled it very well, and I got over my feeling that the others would have to sacrifice too much. The husband first of all, jeesh, I don't know where to start, but he should be cloned. He has faults I'm sure, and that is evident in the insecurities that were discussed when they were adding #4, but he is unbelievably fair. He has his struggles but he really seems to let the wives run the family in daily matters. Their original living arrangement was awesome! All three wives under one roof but separate apartments, which gave them dignity, respect and autonomy. By the way they did and still do now that they are in 4 separate homes, have an every 3/4 night rotation. The schedule I have always preferred, so everyone gets their chance at a Saturday night or whatever it is you want. Even. Fair.They don't discuss their sex lives at all but we know that means where he sleeps, and spends time.

I ADORE these people! They are far from disgusting! They are almost awe inspiring. They took a huge, perhaps unnecessary risk outing themselves on national TV and thus went under investigation in Utah. They are maybe a tad too idealistic. But they genuinely love and respect one another...really, you should check it out.

That said, I get to feeling a little bit wistful when I watch the Browns. I wish my life had turned out so peacefully and even keeled. There may be something to the notion of wives choosing the wives..Merri wife #1 grew up in polygamy and basically chose #2 who basically introduced everyone to #3 and then years later, Merri encouraged Kody to consider #4...she still felt jealous but it's worked itself out. Jealousy at the Browns as in I'm guessing other poly homes, is rarely if ever about sex..

Curious if any of you have watched and what you think..I'll admit it's a bit Polyannaish but I like it!

Age, Aging, Growing Old

I've had another birthday, and for that I am grateful...but man oh man, how did I get so old? I'm not kidding, I've never thought of myself as an old person. My parents were old...my aunts and uncles and grandparents. I am still the rebellious 20something who never did the ordinary thing. The underachieving, late blooming daughter, sister, wife, mother. When I turned 30 I was depressed for days. The good news is I have never looked my age, I've always looked younger, as did my parents..it's in the genes. The bad news is depression can still make you feel old even when you barely qualify.

When I met hubby, he was 15 years younger than I. He still is. I was in my mid 50s, and was feeling it, largely because of my unhappiness. Physically, I felt great. I had spent 25 years in a very unhappy marriage, a lonely marriage with a man who didn't encourage socializing. lol What an odd way to put it. Anyway, according to my children, I ran off to a new life to feel better about myself.

When I arrived in my new life, different part of the country, plural marriage and so forth, things changed. On the rare occasion hubby and I did something alone, perhaps a Jimmy Buffett concert, I felt happy and young. But we were rarely doing anything alone. And the first year was very, very hard. Just as everything was starting to click, I got sick..pretty damned sick. For the first time in my life I really felt my age, and looked it too. Chemotherapy will do that to you. What I'm trying to say also is that my age was an issue in my new family.. how different they are than my blood family.

Joking about my age, my oldness became a nightly sport around the dinner table. Then there was my role as grandma in chief, as far as babysitting duties were concerned. The climate where we live is not good for old people skin! Suddenly I had wrinkles and lines in my face. The diet put weight on me. I let my hair go (long story). During treatment I was bald anyway. I fell and re-injured a knee during that first year..so now I limped. Ugh, let's just cut to the chase..I had become old. I was not aging gracefully.

I was no longer attractive to my hubby...a man who didn't deal with illness well to begin with. The man who took me out of my cocoon and made me feel young and happy, contributed to my feeling old and decrepit. How did this all happen? I want to roll back the clock to my mid 50s and have a do-over.

Hubby said he missed spending my birthday with me...we used to go on vacation for my birthday and laugh, dance, horseback ride, eat, drink, and just always had a blast. For the 3 years and 4 and a half months I lived inside my plural marriage, we never took a vacation. It was lucky if we got out to dinner once a year without another wife or the whole bunch. We really were barely ever alone. And, I aged.

Arrived

I'm here. Away from hubby, the wives, kids and grandkids, and with my "other" family. It's better in some ways for me and in some ways it's not. It is what it is. It's been a couple of weeks now and still no routine, I still feel like a visitor and I am.

Honestly, the worst part is the grandkid. I miss the ones I left behind, very much. Young children aren't great telephone talkers. The new ones go on with their lives just with a new person in it. Me. Frankly, they don't know me.

I crave the beach. I am a fish out of water. No one has time to go with me.. I'm sad to see summer ending.

On the positive side, right now I have my own bathroom!!!! :) That is no small thing when you've been sharing with so many people for what seems like an eternity!!!

Grandchildren

When I was young I had a hard enough time picturing myself as a mother let alone a grandmother but now here I am, the proud grandma to 6+. I have 3 grown grandkids that I was never that close to. Three "step" grandkids here and three back home. All of those last six are quite young. Notice I put the word step in quotations. Fact is they feel biological to me. I love all my grandchildren to death. They are awesome.

Out of necessity I am going back home for a while. The truth is, on top of all the other matters I am dealing with - the frustrations, disappointment, and so forth, I also feel it's necessary for me to get to know my biological grandchildren much better than I do. I feel a certain amount of guilt for showering so much love and attention on the children here, and so much less of all that on my "own." Is that normal? I think it is. I've practically raised the last two here. I diaper, feed, comfort and take to school. I play, spoil and in general enjoy their company and they mine. It's become almost 24/7 but that is another story for another day. All I know is I don't want them to think I'm leaving them forever. I want, no matter what to be some part of their lives. I feel very close to them, even though I am not related to them in the strictest sense of the word. And I certainly didn't raise their parents.

This has depressed me lately. The feeling I may be forgotten by them. At the same time I yearn to be this close to the other grandchildren.

One would think by this ripe old age things would be worked out and smooth sailing.

Off Course

Wow seems I'm posting a lot! There is just so much on my mind.

I feel like I've failed here. I feel as though no one here likes me, let alone loves me, except for the small children. Look, truth be told, I'm a pretty opinionated person, always have been. I've tried to keep it under check because folks here don't like opinionated people it seems. I'm from New York, New Yorkers tend to speak their mind. For thirty years I lived with a man who tried to suppress me, then I met this man and he seemed to like everything about me....well his family doesn't and his family is very important to him as it should be. I have been thinking of all of them as my family also but there is a great deal of truth to the old axiom "blood is thicker than water." None of my blood is involved in this family. Even #2 is the mother of the wife of hubby's oldest son. Ouch! Have I ever mentioned that before? Well it's true. Everyone here has a place, I'm the misfit. This is no one's fault. It just is. I am easily disposed of, not that anyone has tried to dispose of me god forbid, but it's an underlying truth.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling so negative, I think perhaps it's because I went through something that required me to be loved unconditionally and I wasn't. That's it.

Then honestly there is the fact that I didn't raise these grown-up children and I don't understand them anymore than they understand me. I don't feel respected by them.

Gosh, this post has gone way off course, sort of like my life. I'm just very, very sad that I'm leaving and I want them to want me to return. I want someone to show in someway that I will be missed. Someone just the other day asked me if hubby was spending more time with me than normal because I'm going away...I was puzzled. What do you mean I asked. The response was you know, has he said to the other wives, #3 and I need some extra time in the next few weeks, to do things together to cement our bond....WOW. What a concept! The answer..NOPE. And there doesn't seem to be any intention to do that. I casually mentioned this conversation to Hubby just now and he got that puzzled look he gets...and said, we spend every day in the office together. Um so does #2 so do all the children...um..no that's not what I meant Hubby dear. And, just as when I was lying in bed suffering from my bi-lateral mastectomy and chemo, no special consideration was given then, none will be given now. That my friends is the crux of the problem. It's every woman for herself here.

Packing

In less than a month I'll be flying back to where I came from, sort of. I'm no where near packed and thinking about it consumes me. What to pack, how much to pack, how to pack, to ship or carry. Sigh. Would be easier if I didn't have such a heavy heart.

Hubby and I have been fighting off and on and it's very discouraging. I truly don't know what to do. I'm worried about so many things. How will I be able to afford to live up there for one thing. How will they manage down here for another. I'm hoping the separation will allow them to miss me, appreciate me. But then again, I'm very doubtful of that. It's sad.

In the best of all worlds I would divide my time between families. LOL that makes me laugh. It sounds so weird that I should have to think about that. The truth is, I've given myself to this plural family for over three years in person and for five years prior to that I did what I could for them. My "blood" family needs me at this time and I am starting to resent being made to feel guilty about that. I mean wouldn't you think if they wanted me to return here whole-heartedly that they would give me their blessings and all that? Shouldn't they be helping me with my torn feelings instead of saying things like "you'll probably never come back"? I'm not sure what I would do in their shoes but I can't see where they really want me here either. I'm the first to admit I'm not the fun gal I once was :(

Anyway, I've started the process of throwing away and packing and it's really hard on me.

Next Phase

I don't know who of my old readers still look for my blog, some have stopped writing theirs. I hope this reaches some of them, and for the new readers please note..unless you read my whole blog you may misunderstand some of this.

I haven't written in quite a while. Some of this is due to that after becoming ill with breast cancer I just didn't have the energy to keep up with a blog. Some is due to the fact that I really don't want to be negative about polygamy. I am an avid follower of the TV series "Sister Wives" and I think it is true enough to be able to assume that it is totally possible to be happy in a plural marriage. It just depends on the participants.

That said. I am unhappy. At the on set of my illness I had great hope that this living situation would enable me to have more than my fair share of comfort and support. I found unfortunately that it was quite the opposite.

Hubby just was totally freaked out about the possibility of my dying (unreasonably so in my opinion). Wife #1 was a wonderful caretaker, she is in the medical field, works in an outpatient surgical facility, and was not squeamish at all about caring for me physically. Wife #2was at first distant and took to caring after the freaked out hubby, but eventually came around to where I have to admit we became closer. The problems began after surgical recovering and after chemotherapy started. The medicines in chemotherapy have many affects on the patient, not all of them are physical. I became quite cranky, and selfish. This is a house of many people, my patience was not up to par. Even though the married children live in another house, they spend a great deal of their time here in this house, and their children for all intent and purposes live here. They have had a third child. In any event, everyone more or less lost their patience with me. Especially #1 and hubby. Yes hubby.

That said, I will also let you know dear reader if you don't already, that a post menopausal, post chemotherapy patient who is currently taking post chemo medications goes through physical changes (probably emotional changes too). Not only am i self conscious of my new fake breasts, but I have other difficulties that are directly related to intimacy as well. Couple all of that with hubby's inability to feel physically close to me because he looked at me as a "patient" and you can only imagine what has happened. An almost irreparable schism in our physical and emotional relationship.

Now to be honest, none of this is uncommon in couples who have been through what we have been through. However, take in to account that we share a bedroom only 2x a week, and that many of those nights are also shared by a toddler who has sleep separation problems....well..you can get the idea.

I don't know what will become of us, truthfully. I am moving out temporarily to relatives across the country. Not in anger but out of necessity, we have a family emergency there that I must pay attention to. I am concerned though that it will force the end of what once was a beautiful dream.