Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Waiting For The Spark

I watched the Conrad Murray sentencing yesterday on live tv, by myself. Before I go any further let me say honestly that I'm a news junkie; a crime junkie; a political junkie; and I'm not ashamed. It's a habit, all this news watching that I got from my mother. It was reinforced with the advent of the 24 hour news cycle and accelerated during and after the 9/11 tragedy. It's something hubby and I used to share. I miss that.

I'm missing him, even though I'm terribly angry with him. I don't even know all the reasons I'm angry...but somehow disappointment in certain things turned to anger. I am easy to forgive so please know I forgive him for the disappointments and the overwhelming challenges I faced entering in to a plural marriage. I'm not a child and I'm fairly smart and I knew it would be difficult. No one has ever accused me of wearing rose colored glasses. He says he misses me but I'm not sure I believe that.

So here I sit, waiting for a spark to reignite the fire, so to speak. Only then will the anger dissipate.


Non-Traditional Polygamist Wife said...

There is nothing wrong with angry when it is addressed in a positive way. For example, once I was angry with M. I mean seeing red angry, but had no idea why I was upset. It would be days before I could narrow down the reason for the anger and we used it to address what had me upset.

It may take time for you to understand the exact reasons why you are angry, but it could lead to ways to resolve the issues if your husband is willing to listen to your anger and work with you to resolve the issues that made you angry in the first place.

Border Collie said...

Well hi, first thing I've seen this blog. Never been associated with polygamy. But I am a fellow junkie extraordinaire. Perhaps we can have some fun with those interests. Conrad seems to have no realization that he did anything wrong, and so got the max from the judge. Lucky for him, due to overcrowding and California being broke, it will be easy time, and short time. But chatting up his honeys while charged with keeping Michael alive was a bad idea, for one.

Border Collie said...

First time visitor, not poly. But am a fellow junkie so perhaps we can have fun. IMO Murray has no idea he did wrong. That's why he got max time, which will be cut in half and done in easy jail due to money situation in California. He doesn't seem to see that while employed to keep Michael alive, he shouldn't be out of the room chatting up his honey.

new#3 said...

Welcome to my blog Border Collie. I recognize you from the Non-Traditional Family blog. You're spot on about Conrad Murray..truly bizarre that he is in such denial that he did anything wrong, especially considering he must have known he shouldn't have order all that proferal (sp?) delivered to girlfriend's house..when I watched, he always seemed to be in a trance.

Border Collie said...

Well by golly, HI there New#3. Quite happy to drop by here. Sorry for the multiple posting. Thought I made a mistake and the first one didn't take. Then later I saw it has to be approved first.

I'll get around to reading older posts to know you better. EZ for me because of insomnia. Hope we can find a lot to talk about. The news and politics and the world in general ought to do it for 2 old junkies. Isn't it odd that so many people are so incredibly boring because they have gone through life apparently taking in no news accurately or at all, and can't connect what little they do know to anything else, or use even a little logic. I sometimes feel like I'm just dying to converse, and rapidly get bored to death.

Hope to have a nice blog relationship.

Border Collie said...

Told you I was an insomniac. Starting reading here and there, then switched to newest to oldest posts. The one that intrigued me was the May 21, 2009 post. I will go back to it for more thought.

I'm 66, never had kids. Don't like babies and rarely toddlers. Have an ill husband which I can speak of later. Lost my mum at 95 almost 2 years ago. I like some kids very well, have been a great informal mentor with great success. Want to scream at the damage the real family does, though.

Bored to death talking to people I would see most often. Can and do go anywhere and chat up perfect strangers and have a great time. Go figure. I'm sure we'll have a nice relationship. I don't do poly, and like you don't like being touched much though it didn't actually impinge on my consciousness until a couple of years ago. Until then I never said to myself, "I don't like being touched".

Like to hold hands, cuddle sometimes, envy people who hug but feel very weird doing so. No real family. I'll be alone with my illnesses whatever they may be. Will have to deal with it.

Up and down emotionally until pills. Now I don't cry, don't care much emotionally. Intellectually yes, emotionally no. Don't like the pills but the alternative is worse. Groups suck. Love to walk in and have first person say, "Hi, I'm bi-polar", or "I have lingering results from recently remembered abuse from childhood." I am ready to get my coat and run. Last time a guy came over after hearing this and seeing my face and said, Hi I used to do heroin, and I'm fine now. He was my best bud.

So there is a little about me. Interested in the world at large, not the nitty-gritty about deep feelings. My favorite poster, which i had framed in my kitchen, is snoopy on top of his dog house saying, "Hey, I'm tired of trying to figure out people. Let them try to figure out me for awhile".

new#3 said...

Thank you for sharing Border Collie... we have quite a few things in common, except I love babies and toddlers~ lol..

It's not good to be alone during an illness...sounds like you could use some girlfriends. Although even with all the people around me I felt very alone during the worst of my cancer battle.