Saturday, June 25, 2011

Next Phase

I don't know who of my old readers still look for my blog, some have stopped writing theirs. I hope this reaches some of them, and for the new readers please note..unless you read my whole blog you may misunderstand some of this.
I haven't written in quite a while. Some of this is due to that after becoming ill with breast cancer I just didn't have the energy to keep up with a blog. Some is due to the fact that I really don't want to be negative about polygamy. I am an avid follower of the TV series "Sister Wives" and I think it is true enough to be able to assume that it is totally possible to be happy in a plural marriage. It just depends on the participants.
That said. I am unhappy. At the on set of my illness I had great hope that this living situation would enable me to have more than my fair share of comfort and support. I found unfortunately that it was quite the opposite.
Hubby just was totally freaked out about the possibility of my dying (unreasonably so in my opinion). Wife #1 was a wonderful caretaker, she is in the medical field, works in an outpatient surgical facility, and was not squeamish at all about caring for me physically. Wife #2was at first distant and took to caring after the freaked out hubby, but eventually came around to where I have to admit we became closer. The problems began after surgical recovering and after chemotherapy started. The medicines in chemotherapy have many affects on the patient, not all of them are physical. I became quite cranky, and selfish. This is a house of many people, my patience was not up to par. Even though the married children live in another house, they spend a great deal of their time here in this house, and their children for all intent and purposes live here. They have had a third child. In any event, everyone more or less lost their patience with me. Especially #1 and hubby. Yes hubby.
That said, I will also let you know dear reader if you don't already, that a post menopausal, post chemotherapy patient who is currently taking post chemo medications goes through physical changes (probably emotional changes too). Not only am i self conscious of my new fake breasts, but I have other difficulties that are directly related to intimacy as well. Couple all of that with hubby's inability to feel physically close to me because he looked at me as a "patient" and you can only imagine what has happened. An almost irreparable schism in our physical and emotional relationship.
Now to be honest, none of this is uncommon in couples who have been through what we have been through. However, take in to account that we share a bedroom only 2x a week, and that many of those nights are also shared by a toddler who has sleep separation can get the idea.
I don't know what will become of us, truthfully. I am moving out temporarily to relatives across the country. Not in anger but out of necessity, we have a family emergency there that I must pay attention to. I am concerned though that it will force the end of what once was a beautiful dream.


Amal said...

I'm so sorry things aren't going well, but am very relieved to see you back writing. I was worried and I know many others were as well.

Older and Weiser said...

Thanks for posting! I keep you in my favorites and check in from time to time to see if you have posted anything. Know that my heart goes out to you and all that you and your family have gone through. I hope you continue posting during this transition, and that you find "happy" again.


Anonymous said...

My prayers go out to you. I know nothing about plural marriage, but I do know that you need love, care, and understanding at this time. If your hubby is not capable of supporting you through this, perhaps its time to move on. If you cant depend upon him now, you never can. Blessings to you.

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Blue said...

Hello. I'm Blue, and I just stumbled across your blog from PolyMom's blogroll. I haven't read much else yet, but this post really made me pause and think.

I watched my mom go through breast cancer, chemo, double mastectomy; the memory loss, the premature onset of menopause, the throwing up, weight loss, depression. I was seventeen when my mom died, and sadly, my strongest memories of her are the ones I wish I could forget.

That being said, the relationship between my mom and my dad (who, at that time, was living with us) was always tumultuous. I would like to say that the cancer brought them together, but I know that they always loved each other even though it was clear, through long periods of separation, that they just didn't like each other very much. My dad cared about her enough to stay when she was sick, though he could have just left. And to cry as she was dying, and to cry when she was dead. I never got along with him, and saw very little of him as I was growing up, but I had respect for him at some degree because he "manned up" and did this for my mom.

But cancer changes a lot.

I could see myself being the wife who distances herself from the person in the poly relationship when someone gets cancer.

To me, cancer is death.

Reading your post made me feel angry, at first, because I was thinking, how can these people who love you be so harsh? It isn't your fault you got cancer.

But then I felt empathy for them. But then I felt joy for you... because cancer wasn't death for you.

Cancer touched and changed my life, and it's still changing yours. I hope things get better for you, and I hope you find happiness and that the people you love find happiness. Anger is like cancer, too--don't let it get a hold on you.

Writing Our Own Rules said...

This post made me sad, I can't understand your hubby at all. But everyone deals with cancer and those types of events differently. I guess because my husband has always dealt with things so differently, especially my ovarian tumor illness most recently, I often feel shocked when other significant other's are the same. I expect them to be... I think its good for me to be reminded they are not always this way... That said, I mourn for the loss of what once was something different for you. I'm glad you wrote, I've been so busy. I'm glad you are physically getting stronger. I pray that whatever the situation is with your family emergency it works out. Please let us know how that goes! I've missed you, will continue to pray for you. And thanks for checking in on my blog, perhaps you could email me sometime. I don't want to lose touch with you!

new#3 said...

I so appreciate the kind responses I got to this post.
DeeDee, I miss your old blog and will follow this new one, hope you and yours are well.
All of you are wonderful followers :)

Hijabi said...

Such a sad post, really made me rethink some things in my life. May Allah swt be with u.