An Old Dog's Tricks

Cancer news:

I had my 2nd treatment a week ago this past Tuesday and once again my white blood cells have bottomed out right on schedule. No raw veggies, no pets/animals, no young children, no crowds and a slew of other restrictions. This time no Nupegen shots just antibiotics. Lots of fatigue but no rashes or anything so I consider myself lucky.

Normal News

Life here on what we affectionately call The Compound is back to normal now that summer is done. Summer is my very favorite season, even in Texas where it gets desert hot and dry. For us, autumn means less company coming over and more peace and quiet. #1 has struck up a friendship with my middle sister, the one that was here for my surgery. #2 has behaved better lol. Sorry but tis true. I have discovered since my illness that she means well for the most part. She is still overly chatty but I'm learning to tune her out. It only took a year and a half! Hubby has been great lately :)
Do I still yearn for my own living room and bathroom? Of course! I don't think that will ever change but I have grown to accept how polygamy works here finally. I think there would be less stress if we each had her own house but I understand where Hubby is coming from when he says it would be too much of a change for the other wives. He's right! A quick history story:
A long while ago there was almost another #3. She came very close to it. There was the getting to know the whole family thing, etc. She lived in the next town and had no desire to move here, so they tried it. No dice! Apparently, #2 has always felt that 9 am is the bewitching hour for her day! I can laugh now but honestly it's not amusing. The new let's try being a sister wife would pick up hubby in the late afternoon/evening when she got done with work. At 9 am SHARP #2 would be at her door looking to pick hubby up! No coffee or breakfast together or anything. When you consider that hubby's normal bedtime is after 2 am this was a huge problem to the new gal. HUGE. It didn't matter that her house was a 20 minute drive away. She was not going to get a minute of his time past 9 am. Oh, and both #1 and #2 would have to call in their good nights. I know how she felt, it's very disconcerting. #2 has done that to me and I live under the same roof!

It is very, very difficult to change an old dog's tricks. Do you think it's possible?

hair and polygamy

Well, my hair decided to fall out the slow way...thinning, not in clumps. Just as yucky a way though if you ask me. Finally, yesterday, I had enough of it and asked Hubby to shave the rest off. It wasn't pleasant for him but he did it. It's an odd feeling, having no hair. wow.

One thing about the living situation here that is a plus for me while I am going through this, Hubby is always here. I don't have to wait for my day to ask him to do something like that. I'm not totally alone in the house five nights a week. And there is usually a sister wife around...well, that's not always a plus lol but sometimes it is!

I miss painting and writing and I wish I had the ability to concentrate on those things. Other than that this has been a week of feeling pretty good.

Hubby keeps reminding me he loves me and keeps apologizing for having such a difficult time dealing with things. Sometimes I just wish he would shut up lol...I hope the sister wives appreciate all the "extra" time they have been having with him because when all is said and done I intend to make up for lost time!

Things seem to get worse before getting better don't they?

Well shortly after writing the last post I had my first post chemo treatment blood test. Not a good result. My white blood cell were down off the chart and I was put on a shot to boost them back to normal. I cannot tell you how lousy I felt. This particular shot gives some folks horrible bone pain, I was lucky that I only had that for a day..but what a day it was. On the third day the next blood test proved that I had mended quite well and I've started to feel better. So it seems I will have 2 yucky weeks and 1 good week. Hey that's better than all of them being bad right?

At the moment I'm feeling pretty good and hoping that Hubby notices. He has been getting very down about the way I feel and my lack of energy to do almost anything. I may even cook dinner tonight for the family! That will be great.

I may even venture to art class this week. Hopefully I will be lucky to have chemo treatment 2 be easier on me.

Everyone has been helpful, I feel badly that I complain but I know I do...one of the not so great character traits I've inherited I think.

I think I will take some of the advice posted here. Perhaps forgetting about the cancer for a day will be healing :) Thank you D~

Can I be honest?

Cancer sucks. Yes. I know all about the people who fight this dreadful disease with a smile on their face, a quick joke on their lips, and the courage of a whole army. I'm not one of them. I tried. Honestly, I did try in the beginning. Everyone said I took the diagnosis really well, and I did. I didn't panic; I read; I asked questions; I assured everyone around me that I was going to survive; I went to a wedding; I made this plans or that. I comforted my husband and he decided to keep himself busy and act like everything with me was fine or would be soon. BUT IT'S NOT.

And it won't be for months.

Cancer in a poly family has it's pros and cons. #1 and even #2 have been helpful. They have tried, each of them separately, to encourage more interaction between me and hubby and more alone time. They have counseled him on my behalf. It gets a little better each day. But it's still not fine to have cancer.

Let's face it, I came here for the love of a man. I am happy to have a better relationship with #2 and to have the help of #!. It's good that they are here for me. But I really didn't need more sisters. And they are not my blood sisters who would have hugged me and laughed when I had my steroid rage the other day.The women here don't understand me.

Losing both my breasts has been awful. A long recovery on top of a very traumatic surgery for me. Breast cancer has been in my top fears as long as I can remember. For two weeks after surgery, I grieved their loss; barely speaking a word unless spoken to and avoiding tears. Then the pain of reconstructive surgery lingered and lingers still. It's a constant reminder.It's very difficult not to be depressed and fearful. At some point in the future will I ever be the person who can joke about it?

Chemo treatment is, well it's not good. Had my first one a few days ago, accompanied by steroid medication to ease affects of any allergies I might have to meds and to fight nausea. I did well. No reactions during treatment and the day after except for some heartburn. Once the steroid was stopped, it's another story. I woke up yesterday feeling like I'm getting the flu. I'm uncomfortable and achy. My head itches; everything tastes the same; and I can't shake the overall feeling of malaise. I"m so glad I don't have nausea on top of this!

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When I get feeling somewhat better I'll write more. They say the worst part passes after about 10 days or so. I hope so. It's hard to concentrate on the page, but I thought I would offer my explanation for being away.

One of many

This has been a couple of interesting weeks. Ups and downs in feelings; but the physical discomfort is somewhat abated, thank goodness. I'm even hoping I can get the go ahead from the doctors this week to DRIVE. Oh that would be wonderful!

Last Sunday I even got to go out to dinner! I was feeling pretty good.

Sundays are my days. Yes, I got the short end of the weekend stick. With a family this large, very often Sunday becomes family day. We have a pool; it's summer; friends and family show up.

I had to go in for day surgery this past Thursday (my other day) to have the incisions fixed by the plastic surgeon. They weren't healing the way he would have liked. I'm told this is because I have been a smoker most of my life. I've cut myself down to about 3-4 cigarettes a day now and sometimes none if I sleep alot. Consequently I am weepy, cranky and sullen. HaHaHa!!! ok realistically I'm MORE weepy, cranky and sullen than I would be.

One good thing about being in a plural family - I have lots of help around the house and I'm not lonely. But I long for a day of just me and hubby going for a drive or watching old movies, funny movies. I'm searching for laughter.

I'm about to change my diet over to mostly fruit and veggies. I don't have much of an appetite anyway and fruit and veggies are cancer fighters. They will also boost my immune system in preparation for chemo which will start in about 8 days.

In polygamy you are one of many people who have needs to be met. I;m pretty sure that when you have cancer, and have lost two of your body parts, it would be preferable to be one of two or three.

Two weeks or so out

I actually left the house yesterday!! Seriously, I am seriously bored. All this hanging around the house is frustrating. Only thing is I seem to have pulled a muscle in my side by getting out of bed on my own instead of asking for help. All in all though I'm doing well post surgery. I've had some moments that have been depressing or blue, but it's getting better.

This hasn't been the "bonding" experience I thought it might be for our family. When I figure out why I'll let you know. Suffice to say that #2 and I are no closer and I feel almost out of place. Older. Too old. Hubby doesn't understand what I'm going through and the constant discomfort I'm in is making me cranky. Maybe when I can drive I'll feel better.

A week ago

It's been 8 days since surgery. Whatever made me think that I would be blogging when I first got home from the hospital, it was definitely not happening! I slept the first couple of days and barely remember them honestly. To be brutely honest, all I remember was being in terrible pain. The pain has eased up though there remains that god awful pressure feeling at the incisions and occasional waves of pain. Mostly, I'm functioning. I would love to have more use of my arms though because I can't even brew a cup of coffee on my own yet.

#1 and my sister have struck up a friendship! My sister loved her! #1 is my awesome nurse now that I'm home. So far all tests are negative but a pet scan has been ordered for next week and one node shows a VERY small "something". I know the doctor was more detailed with me than that but I'll be darned if I can remember everything.

Hubby's cousin took me to my appointment today, she was a big help since I can't drive yet and she's an upbeat person. I find I can't stay on topic too long or sit still long enough to write much else today, so there may be a spat of brief entries for a while.