We just need to argue less. That's more or less what he said. How can he honestly think that arguing was our biggest problem unless he is from Mars?
There is nothing here in this blog that I haven't told him. He knows how I felt when I was undergoing chemotherapy. He knows how I feel about living all under one roof. He knows how I feel about what I can only describe as our lack of intimacy. And of course, he knows how #2 irritates the hell out of me. He even knows, and knew all along how differently I felt about money management than he feels. Jeesh...he knows because those were the things we argued about mostly. Oh ya, occasional arguments about other things but nothing worth mentioning. In actuality I've wondered along the way how our little "debates" during courtship turned in to arguments later on. Marriage? Quite possibly. Marriage, the single easiest way to start taking someone for granted, a love for granted, or have them take you for granted is to marry. Daily living? Maybe.
All I know is when he said that about arguing, a little laugh came out of me. I don't think he understood what I thought was humorous.
The sad thing is that he sounded like #2 to me when he said that. She has this way of simplifying EVERYTHING lol..seriously. And I can't tell you how many times in 3 1/2 years she admonished me for arguing with hubby. I would always respond, trust me, I am not arguing as much as I would like to. Just to hush her. Soooooooooo annoying coming from someone who is renowned for her hissy fits and sulking and pouting!!!!
Another thing that is odd is that we argued about living arrangements and such more in the beginning when I first moved in. Later on, ok I would mention that some things made me unhappy but I don't recall tons of arguing. I'll admit I have a bad habit of beating a dead horse sometimes. There! I admitted it.
7 comments:
Its late and I am sleepy as all get out but I wanted to chime in here. Please don’t take this wrong, but if he truly believes the issue is to argue less, but is not willing to address the issues that caused the arguments there are going to continue to be arguments. This is a MAJOR PROBLEM in my book and one worth considering before jumping back in.
I have to agree that one way to take someone for granted or to be the one who taken for granted is to get married. In a plural marriage this is often multiplied. I do not believe M, or myself ever take each other for granted. He tends to sense if I am starting to feel that way and takes the time to let me know I am loved.
I also learned very young in life to never ever neglect to express how you feel to someone as there may not be another time to do so. I am sure he may be tired of hearing it, but each time we are going to be apart my last words to him are I love you. After nearly every phone call I tell him the same thing. I do not care if we will be back home together in less than an hour I want to always know he is aware of how much I love him.
For me it’s the little things he does that lets me know he cares. From a simple note on the refrigerator, to a kiss for no reason, or the telephone call in the middle of the day for no reason, it all matters to me.
I am also lucky in I can honestly say in our three years together we have only had one argument and I would not even say that is an argument, but a major misunderstanding that was resolved without issue. Sure we do agree aggravated from time to time with each other, but never anything so severe it leads to an argument.
I really believe this is because we acknowledge the problem, and each other’s point of view. We may not agree on the topic but we have an understanding and sometimes compromise is made to resolve a potential issue. There is where I believe the source of your frustration lies. Hubby is refusing to acknowledge your issues and feelings and refuses to even consider a compromise. Thus more arguments ensue because you want to be heard and acknowledged.
Again we are by no means experts on plural marriage and are learning as we go, but maybe your hubby should talk to my hubby on how to perhaps fix the problems so you both can move forward together.
Again sorry if my word are harsh, and they are just my opinion but really you have BIG problems in my mind because it sounds as if hubby won’t even acknowledge how you feel or your comfort and happiness, and expects you to be the only one doing the compromising. At some point a breaking point will be reached.
I am just wondering if it wouldn't behoove all of you to enter in to group therapy? Sometimes an outsider with fresh eyes can help us to see that which we can't see when we are wrapped up in the middle of it...sounds like hubby is in major denial if he thinks arguing is the problem. He is avoiding the root of the problem. The arguing is just an outlet for the issues that are not being constructively resolved.
You are a writer. Put your concerns in writing. Say what you feel, and don't hold back. Say up front that you are not trying to be hurtful, but rather, these are the issues that are hurting your relationships in the marriage. I am not sure how receptive hubby will be, but he is the primary relationship, the sisterwives are secondary relationships. If things aren't right with hubby, the rest just doesn't matter...
Just my suggestions. I am glad that you are actually blessed with the distance right now, as it is giving you more time to process, evaluate, and plan where you go from here.
NTPW- don't worry about sounding harsh, I welcome your comments. As far as my hubby talking to your hubby...I doubt he would be receptive to that at the moment but perhaps when I go back home I can discuss the possibility with him. Right now I think I have to let him push through his denial on his own.
D - we actually started talking about group therapy a couple of years ago. One of hubby's niece's was studying to be a therapist and she and a friend of hers were completing some sort of project. As part of the project the friend held one session with all of us and was willing to continue (she was close to getting her license) but we never could find a time when #2 was available the same time the rest of us were, and eventually I was the only one pushing for it. Perhaps that's another thing I can instigate after I return.
Hi there, new#3
I have a lot of catching up to do with you, my friend. I see you're having a problem I'm all too familiar with. You said sometimes you feel like you're beating a dead horse. I know the feeling all to well.
Reading what your wrote suddenly made a light bulb go off in my head. The problem isn't going to get resolved by them (our husbands). The problem is simply something they are not going to address. So, we could keep revisiting the problem, but should anticipate the same response we've been receiving. There is nothing magically that is going to get them to see things differently. Just as you're staunch with regard to how you feel and see things, so is he.
We're just going to have to learn to accept the situation as it is or change ourselves, which you've done by removing yourself from the home temporarily. So, you must decide to remain away or come back home and accept what he's unwilling to change.
Most (not all) men don't like getting advice and help from outsiders, unlike women. It makes them feel like failures. When they feel a need for help they seek it out on their own. To suggest to him that he needs help is to step all over his manhood. If you want to slap him in the face (not literally), during an argument, tell him he needs help and see how well that goes over. I wouldn't suggest it. Arguing less is good. When we argue our power departs. It resolves nothing. It only aggravates the situation.
new#3, after five years, I think I may have arrived at the point where I'm not beating my head against the wall any longer by trying to get something from my husband that he is not willing to give. I've come to accept it.
When you've reached a deadlock, someone has to give in, or there's no deal
All will be OK, my friend. Hang in there!
new#3
Maybe you already mentioned it, but I haven't read yet, but have you read the book, "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus"? I read, I think, just about all of Dr. Gray's books. They are excellent. I applied to my life much of what he said and it works.
Your number 2, if I'm correct in which number she is, is playing your husband and it seems to be working. Maybe you need to take some lessons from her, IF SHE'S NOT DOING ANYTHING EVIL. I believe nothing good comes from evil. Evil begets evil. It turns on the one that plots it.
Ana - yes I've read the book it was excellent. #2 never crosses the line into the "evil" zone, but I'm still not sure I can be like her. I will admit however that she knows how to get her way!
As soon as i get the chance I'm going to write about something interesting that happened between she and hubby and I recently..right now I'm visiting friends in my old hometown and don't have the inclination to concentrate .:)
I couldn't agree more. Your topic is definitely a must read. To Non-Traditional Polygamist Wife, your words are a lesson to learn for every one here.
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