Monday, May 24, 2010

Schedules

I don't think I've ever elaborated about schedules here..in my old blog maybe. But schedules are important in polygamy in my humble opinion.

When I first arrived here the three who were in the marriage already didn't have a schedule at all..it was more or less equal time in the first few years from what I've been told, then it was catch as catch can..with #2 catching the most time (from what I've been told and can tell). All and all no one minded this arrangement, which also was pretty dependent on the work schedules of each individual. And they had a "marriage bed" that they all shared..I think I've mentioned that before.

Anyway, along comes little old me. I say, ok guys we need a schedule!! And I watch as they all fall down. I was imposing my belief on them and honestly I really thought it would be a piece of cake.

So, three wives, 7 days, I suggest 2 days/nights each with a rotation somehow of the 7th day/night. We all look at the calendar and the other two wives each want one of their days off of course, and preferably two (all). Well that wasn't always going to work. We also occasionally switched nights which Hubby found confusing and unsettling. I think in the beginning we did 2+2+2+1. Then someone noticed that someone would be getting 3 in a row once in a while..revisit the calendar.

Then we changed to what I liked which was every other day kind of thing, what is referred to sometimes as a Round Robin Schedule. This was pretty fair in my opinion. Of course some months or weeks someone would get the third day/night therefore initiating talk and strife over the whole dang thing. #2 HATED this schedule because her time didn't always fall on her days off. After a month or two of her whining, Hubby took control of it and changed the schedule.Each of us with 2 days/nights and the supposed extra or 7th day/night being his to do with what he liked, go out, play cards, spend more time with the kids or whatever. He turned out to rarely do that. Which I of course knew would happen. I dislike this schedule for reasons that make me sad. At first Hubby would alternate his place of sleeping on that "extra day" then slowly, especially after my surgery, he took to always sleeping in the other room. He says he thinks of that as his room because it was for so many long years..advice to those contemplating a polygamous marriage...try not to enter in to one where all other parties involved have been involved for many, many years. Makes sense if you think about it.

Anyway, I took to researching this schedule thing. One family I found on the internet did a three/four; three/four; on alternating weeks and nicely if one wife was away for a few days she got a day or two extra to re-bond with the husband. If the husband and one wife went away to see family or vacation, the wife left home would get that extra day or two upon their return. This was an extremely civilized family who unfortunately don't blog anymore or I would point you in that direction.

Everyone seems to have their own type of schedule, some not as organized. It is supposed to help with jealous feelings, resentment etc and I think it does.

Now, for an odd reason I find myself thinking to hell with the schedule let's just do whatever comes naturally or whatever hubby wants, or something along those lines..let's just chuck it all out and be less organized and more free spirited. Let's have some spontaneity .. let's be romantic???? Maybe

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ironic, isn't it, that the person who thought a schedule was needed is now the one who is thinking it's too complicated? One one hand, I understand the desire for a schedule, I am a very structured person. On the other hand, romance and a need for affection don't often happen on a schedule.... I also understand about how adding another person to any relationship can be problematic. When i was in college, I kept the same roomate in the dorm for 3 years. After we graduated and moved to the Big City, we were planning to share an apartment. We thought since we had shared a dorm room for three years, an apartment would be a piece of cake! Then a mutual friend asked if we would consider sharing with her also. Sounded like a great idea. We never anticipated how things that had long been resolved between the two of us would have to be revisited now that we were three. And we did not have to deal with the added complication of marital relationships!
Life is soooo complicated!!!!
Withay

Anonymous said...

I think that (forgetting about scheduling) is the only way it is going to work for you. I know it is hard for you, but think of how #1 and #2 surely feel. Someone new marching in and demanding that they change the very core of how they have lived for so many years. But as far as I can tell they have grinned and dealt (1 more so than 2) You said once that you felt #2 was living in a dream of monogomy (to paraphrase of course) I think you are the one who is doing that though. You are choosing to distance yourself from the collective family, first with your own bedroom, then your own days, and finally with your own house. That is kind of selfish IMO and it doesnt seem you fit in well with this family at all. Why do you stay, it cant be completely for DH can it? It isnt making sense to me... why would you stay when the whole situation is making you so upset?
I cannot wait for the day my sister wife can move into our home... then we can be done with schedules as well and finally be happy.
But all in all, thanks for blogging about this all. It really is helping me transition from being the one and only to being #1.

Anonymous said...

I think you stay because of financial reasons and that you don't want to be alone.

Southern Gal said...

Hi,

I've been worried about you. I check your blog frequently. We connect to people through their blogs. In a small way, I feel like were neighbors. Hope your doing ok.

Gabrielle

Anonymous said...

I'm reading your posts, and I've heard plural wives say that all-in-all, they're happy with sharing a husband. But, this isn't the message I'm getting from your blog.

My husband and I share a very private relationship that is ours alone. We even have our own language of sorts... ha ha. He truly is my best friend and we share a very close bond.

So, I guess I can't understand the idea of sharing a husband as we've both discussed that we could never be in a plural marriage. We would feel that our bond was broken. A bond that we hold sacred.

But, if you say you're truly happy, then okay. To each his own. I guess I don't understand, and maybe I'm not supposed to.

Natja's Natterings said...

Wow, four people named anon....wild.

Anyhow, to Anon 4, what is the point in all that?? Blogger is full of people in many different poly configurations, we might not understand aspects of your lifestyle either. Nice to know you and your husband share a special bond but that has nothing to do with monogamy, that is just your own bond with him.

What I am getting from your message is a veiled judgement of the OP and her perceived unhappiness. Perhaps it makes you comfortable to think that if people don't fit into your dyadic norms they would be miserable, but I ask you to read more poly peoples stories before making your mind up with that.

regards,

Natja

Jaiyana Muslima said...

Salaams, interesting post. Interesting insight from a 3rd wife. I am a first wife , maybe there will be a 2nd. will be following thanks.
I have a blog also
http://the1stwivesclub.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

Is it worth it, to spend your life in such angst over schedules, #2, etc? Is this what you were put on this earth to do?

Savannah said...

We have 4 wives (I am #3) and we just ended up sharing a bed. Before though, we did alternating days. Of course, with the 4 of us it meant that usually one person only got one day a week with Mr., but he was always really good about making other time outside of "spending the night" time. Does that make sense.
He also gave us one big date every month each. I know not everyone can afford that, but it was nice.

Shalisha Raiyaan said...

Asalaam Alaikum,

Wow sis, im so excited this blog seems very intresting. I am about to embark into polygamy very soon Insha Allah and this post was very intresting. Im new to blogging is there anyone else out there who is involved in polygamy???
please let me know so i can join your pages insha Allah

Anonymous said...

Hi There,

I hope you don't mind me contacting you here. I am working on a documentary regarding plural marriages, joining one, living in one, or leaving one. If you would be interested in speaking with me, please let me know. I can be reached at (212) 846-2140.

Thanks!

Kristen
MTV Networks

Anonymous said...

I'm just wondering about polygamy & you....were you raised in a polygamist family?Are you a Christian that was raised in a polygamist family?Are you Mormon or Muslim?Or if not any of the above just how & why have you decided to be in a poly family?Or were you told to join a poly family?Was it your own personal choice in the matter?

Cindy said...

Hi, there. I'm working on a TV series for the Discovery Fit & Health network called, "I'm Pregnant And..." We're searching for women who are currently 5-8 month pregnant and in a plural marriage. If you're pregnant and interested in having a phone conversation with me, you can e-mail me at TVcastingIPA@gmail.com. Thank you!

The LADY's Daughter said...

ok just read it all from start to finish in one go and I have to say that I am both envious and a huge admirer of you. I envy the love you have all found and the tolerance/patience you seem to have somehow managed to have of some of the fire and brimstone types that seem to feel it their duty to troll your blog and put you down. An I admire you for the strength and honesty you have shown by giving us all this window into your life. you have inspired me to try and make my own window.
Thankyou
I hope this is not the last we he@r from you.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I am a student from Nebraska and am researching information about the evolution of marriage and the different ways people find love. Would you be willing to answer a few questions about your lifestyle? I found your blog very interesting. Please contact me at lckoch@unomaha.edu if this is something you would be interested in. Thanks!

The Copper Pony said...

Any updates?

Arya samaj said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anjali said...

Nice blog dear I like your blog it’s looking so cool according to blog theme. I would like to join your blog again and again. Procedures of arya samaj marriage, Procedures of arya samaj marriage in faridabad

new#3 said...

Schedules are a necessity, plain and simple. Spontaneity isn't easy even in single marriages..work, children, grandchildren etc. etc. But this doesn't mean we have to like it.
No, I was not born into polygamy. I was raised a Catholic and raised my children Catholic.
My angst does not come from polygamy it comes from the situation aside from polygamy. If you read my blog from beginning to end you can see that I think.
Thank you all for your comments :)

Harveer said...

Hello, I love reading through your blog, I wanted to leave a little comment to support you and wish you a good continuation. Wish you best of luck for all your best efforts. arya samaj wedding, arya samaj delhi.