A Date Finally

I finally got a date for my surgery!!!

Thank god because the not knowing was driving me crazy. It feels like a pin was pushed into me like a balloon and the craziness is leaking out. Now I have to decide, silicone or saline. Oh, did I mention that I am going to have immediate reconstruction? I can't believe I'm doing that but I am. I realized long ago that my fear of getting breast cancer had as much to do with vanity as it did with fear of dying and the C word.

I'm hoping when this is all over I will have my femininity intact and feel good about myself. When I say "vanity" I mean I was afraid of disfigurement. Women don't say that out-loud too often. They either say their breasts don't define them or something equally as evolved and self-confident; or they just avoid the topic. I was told that the recovery from the reconstruction is longer and more painful than recovery from the double mastectomy. I'm anxious.

So, email me if you would like to know the exact date. I don't mind sharing if I know your name. I will say here that it is in about two weeks. Today I had a full body bone scan. It was yet another needle in my arm and about 20 minutes of staying perfectly still. The results could be scary but right now I'm feeling positive.

There has been a little tension here - between me and hubby and #2 and hubby and me. Like a circle. It's hard to explain, I don't know where to start. If I figure that out I'll post on it soon. It's not horrible, just annoying and makes me a tiny bit sad.

Speaking of sad, some people don't know the difference between sad and depressed, but there is a difference. Throughout my life I think I battled depression, on and off. I am accustomed to how it feels. Sad is a feeling I'm not used to. If I ever encountered it during my life I somehow got over it quickly. Crying is not something I do the way some women do. I've known women who can sit on their couch and can muster up tears without much trouble. They do it because they need a cathartic moment or ten. They emerge renewed. I will admit to enjoying a good cry at a movie or a book, so I understand the cathartic thing, I just never got into it. Heartbreak can make me cry but fear never. I grew to learn how to stare fear down during my lengthy and unhappy marriage. It was not something I learned easily. Consequently, it may take me a while to cry when someone passes away. I never cried the entire time my 16 year old's son hung in the balance, nor when my mother was dying. I don't know why. But here's the thing...now, I don't sit and cry but the littlest thing will bring a burning sensation to my eyes or a choked up feeling. Even teary-eyed. This, so far, has been the hardest part. That and the PMS feeling I have, grouchy/moody/giddy ugh.