To The Beach!

It's been three months since I've posted here and I miss it. I miss putting my thoughts down on virtual paper and getting insightful comments from followers and friends.

So here I am. It's almost the end of June. Still have not retrieved my things but I will when I'm ready. As Older and Wiser pointed out it's just stuff.

For the past 9 months I've lived alone in a little but nice studio apartment. Luckily for me it came furnished. It's very pleasant. The landlords live in the main part of the house but are not intrusive at all. There is even a little part of the yard that is mostly just mine. When I babysit here the kiddies like to go out there and it gives me a place for my morning coffee when weather allows. But yet, it is still just one room. Not quite a home. And at times the walls close in on me. However, after a year and a half of not having a car I managed to get one! It's in good shape and didn't cost much, which is good because it is almost 10 years old. It gets me to the grocery store and doctors appointments so I love it! It was god awful having to depend on others when I ran out of milk or bread let alone needing a whole shopping list of essentials.

Being alone is something I still have to get used to.The transition from a huge household to this is taking longer than I thought it would. The constant quiet can be unsettling and I find myself leaving the television on sometimes even when I sleep. I remember my mom doing that; and I remember her thoughts on being alone after raising 5 kids and having a husband passing. I'm sorry I didn't empathize with you more mom.

One thing I am perplexed by and will go in to in another post at some point. I have not heard from either sister wife at all. Nor any of the kids.

Summer is not only officially here but the weather is co-operating on that front. This is my time of the year. I finally have wheels! To the beach I will go on a semi-regular basis....when I can. Repeat. :)

Suggestions anyone? And a brief update.

I feel the need to start another blog on another site, just because. Haven't decided on the new site yet and still thinking about subject matter. I know it could just be ramblings but I'm not sure I want to do that. So - I've thought about a "Grandma" blog. Would call it, "Gramma's blog" and muse about being a grandmother and all that positive usually anyway lol stuff. A little advice for other grandmas and some personal stuff.

However, I have always wanted to do a more political type blog. My opinions; a little humor maybe. Not sure.

Then of course I could just do a blog about my experience learning how to paint...

Or a poetry blog.

And the ideas go on and on...

Several reasons for looking for a new site include that on this site lately, whether I have the captcha on or not, my comment box gets filled with spam. Some of it very weird. Some advertising blogs. Another reason is that I don't want a new blog connected to my formerly plural lifestyle blog and on this site that can't be helped.

I'm going to need emails of folks here that would like to follow any new blog I write. Please.

Update:
I have still not gone to get my stuff out of storage ... it's more than 1000 miles away and my fear of flying; my not wishing to bump in to anyone; my not knowing how I will pay for the trip which I estimate will take almost a week; my not wanting to stay with friends the whole time; ugh..can you say procrastinating?? I would love to see his family and a couple of friends but I just don't know what to do. His extended family became very dear to me over the years and I miss them but not sure .....so not sure about so many things lately.

Relationship markers; internet friends and some other stuff

First Christmas without your ex; first Valentine's Day etc...I must confess missing my plural relationship is not a daily thing..it had just gotten too hard. One thing I've noticed though is that it must have really filled up my life because I have too many days with not much to do.

I am glad to see NTPW posting again and Older and Weiser having some well deserved success. It seems many of the blogs I follow are pretty inactive these days. Border Collie, a very loyal blog reader, has lost her beloved husband and I'm sure is going through the healing process. I noticed in one of her comments on another blog she mentions that it's strange that internet friends can mean so much. It's not really strange. These internet friendships come in many shapes, sizes, colors and types and have one thing in common ...well mostly...there is no need for pretense. I also find them refreshing and wonderful and miss many of those folks I have connected with over the years.

Living alone, sadness, poor real life relationships - all are reasons that internet friends are a positive in our lives. There have been times in my past when they were almost all I had. Anyone who doesn't understand this, I don't know how to explain it.

This winter has been so much worse than the last one. Lots and lots of snow and a real honest to goodness blizzard. My doctor thinks I may have that winter blues syndrome - I forget what it's called. I think he may be on to something. I can't wait for summer.

A Town and a Nation Broken Hearted

There is nothing worse than losing a child.My parents lost a child, my infant brother. Relatives say my mother was never the same. I only knew her really after the fact and she seemed fine to me, but I'm sure they know what they were talking about. I know she was overly cautious with us at times. I don't really remember her having a sense of humor. And she never talked about it. Never. Neither did my father.

While I have been watching the news coverage of the horrific shooting in Connecticut, more than anything else I am haunted by those 20 children. Twenty little children whose lives were cut down so violently; whose last sounds and images were filled with fear. Our minds can't wrap around the enormity of the horror......and then our minds switch to the parents. The siblings. The grand-parents. The world is broken-hearted.

The unspeakable turns in to the unimaginable when I learn the children and adult victims remain in the school building over night. That their families have not seen them, did not get to hold them one last time. That mothers and fathers spent the night filled with unimaginable grief and emptiness.

The internet, facebook, I imagine twitter, and phone lines, fill up with anti-gun sentiment. Pro-gun sentiment is there as well. Mental health issues and concerns about lack of treatment land on my computer screen. It's still going on today.

I have to tell you that I remain shocked as ever by the pro-gun fanaticism. I have believed in gun control for decades. This after all isn't the first tragedy to hit my television screen. But please notice I said "control". It seems to me the pro-gun people think control is something different than I do, something sinister. Something against our constitutional rights. They don't care about statistics. Nor do they want to hear that the fanatical gun culture in the United States has given us the highest gun violence death rate of any civilized country in history. England, China, France, Australia...many more...all with death rates from guns in the low double digits per year..the United States is up in the thousands...more than 10,000 to be exact. PER YEAR.

So I don't feel any differently about guns than I ever did. You want to hunt deer? Pass a test, get screened, buy a deer hunting rifle. Same if you want to protect your home and family. But there is no reason on God's earth for any civilian to own a gun that can shoot 6 bullets per second. No reason for a gun show to sell an automatic weapon to a teenager, or anyone else that hasn't been screened. No reason for a troubled twentysomething to be able to purchase thousands of rounds of ammunition and explosives off the internet as the Aurora shooter did. No reason, quite frankly for any one other than military or law enforcement to have guns like that. Limiting access to those guns DOES NOT TAKE AWAY YOUR SECOND AMENDMENT RIGHTS. All it does is make us safer as a nation.

All it does is allow parents to confidently send their children off to school in the morning.

All it does is make sense.

We are being sent a message, but will we listen?

Thanksgiving Reflection

Wow, didn't realize it had been two months since my last post. Settled in to a small, very small apartment, more like a room with a closet of a kitchen, but oh well. Who do I have to cook for?

I have reflected some on what I have to be thankful for this year:
For one, I am closer to my children both physically and emotionally. Although since I spent almost every day the past year with my oldest,, I think he may be tired of his mom.

My youngest boy is doing better. Both boys are back to school, I should refer to them as men. I am both surprised and proud of that.

My three absolutely beautiful, fun, and loving grand children. The oldest, only 4 is wise beyond his years and just a lot of fun. My delightful grand daughter, 16 months, who makes me smile everyday. She is a handful just as her dad was as a youngin, but she is a kisser and a hugger and I need her presence in my life. The baby, 6 months, who I worried about them having and not being able to afford him..he is adorable and embedded in my heart at this point, that I barely remember wishing he wasn't coming along..and regret thinking those thoughts.

My sisters, all three, ......imperfect, bossy, sometimes judgmental. I don't care. They are my best friends and I only recently discovered that.

My niece. One of three, she is so kind and beautiful, and I am so proud of her. The rest of those cousins I have not gotten close to but they are all grown and don't live close.

The roof over my head. So many have recently become homeless due to Hurricane Sandy, I can't imagine their loss.

My parents. Long gone, but their influence stays with me. They instilled a strong moral compass in us that I have occasionally strayed from, but never got completely lost, and always find my way back.Everything about the way they lived their lives taught me to care about other people; try to do the right thing; and never lose sight of family.

I am thankful that I have had this blog and it's readers during this journey.

That through all my past mistakes; all the pain I mostly self inflicted on myself; through a tremendous health crisis; through every trial and tribulation I have ever experienced ~ I have survived.

Dream Ended

My journey in plural marriage is done. Foolishly I thought being away would perhaps spark the old feelings and rescue what was left of my part in the marriage...I was wrong.

The youngest boy kept me there...actually, I do believe he kept me alive during the worst of fighting breast cancer and during the worst of the marriage. I had known him since he was barely two years old and I could see my influence on him. Unlike his father and older brother, he is a social being. Dropping him off or picking him up from preschool was a joy. But I digress. Truth is, the youngest grandson in that house, also aided me in my decision to never return. I don't want to hurt him or his siblings by coming and going and coming and going. I hope someday someone will explain that to them.

I feel relief. Sadness. Frustration. Some Anger, mostly at myself. I was surprised there has been no grieving on my part for relationships lost, a marriage gone. Then I realized that I had grieved for that long ago. I have never experienced as much heartbreak as I felt when I was there. I'm a person that cherishes alone time, but I grew to feeling so alone. More than being alone, I was always even in the midst of all the many people who were in and out of that house ... just alone.

There will be no contact with what had become my other family. No phone calls, emails, Christmas cards. I am sorry for any hurt I have caused. So sorry that the dream ended. The hopes I had for a new, better life; for love and happiness and fun have been gone for quite a while. Truth is only the young children missed me all this time I've been gone. I try to remember the good times, but it's a stretch because they are long ago. Unfortunately they are replaced by memories of deception and pain, as though I had been emotionally raped and stripped of everything I ever held dear; especially a lifetime of working on my self-esteem. Financially I have gone from sailing on a ship to far away places to being strapped and stressed beyond my wildest dreams.

So, while I may not disapprove of the plural lifestyle, for me the journey has ended. the dream has vanished. And I am, I hope, alone in a good way.

Not quite farewell.

It's been a year now....It actually went faster than I thought this being away from my poly family.

Things aren't perfect here where I am at the moment either...nothing is perfect, you would think by this ripe old age I would know that! I am planning a trip back home hopefully this Fall...wish me luck!

I'm thinking of starting a new blog, since I have little to say about polygamy at the moment. I never really advocated nor did I ever feel disdain for polygamy/plural marriage. I just accepted it as a viable alternative lifestyle and for some people a religious belief. This has just been about my journey. The best and the worst of it.

I wish I was happier with the lifestyle. It could suit me so well as I like my independence and alone time...but that's not what my experience brought to the table. I am envious of those of you who have that experience, and of those of you who don't but at least have what you want.

My problem as the father of my children reminded me a couple of weeks ago, is that I've never been the submissive type...yes, he actually said that because I disagreed with something he said about the kids...but it applies to the experience I have in a plural marriage. Not that hubby ever expected me to be that way, but he did expect me to fall in line with the others when suitable. Hard to explain really. I think the hardest thing for me though is putting up and living within the same walls as sister wives. It just rubs me the wrong way I guess...I often say to them: I've had the college (and high school) dormitory experience long ago. This is way too much like that. I need a kitchen of my own, a bathroom of my own, I'm older and sharing space is not an agreeable option for me. Sigh. Oh well. They just don't get that. My sister wives are very much the sacrificing type...or is it just that all of the people in that house with the exception of hubby are their blood? I, on the other hand, have always been the outsider.

I don't know what the future will bring but I'm not sure I see the point of writing about this experience any more.

I congratulate D for writing her book! I feel joyous for her. It's something I always contemplated doing, whether about polygamy or something else...life always got in the way for me.

Ana, you are amazing! Your wisdom has been very appreciated.

BC, I worry about you and hope your life gets better.

To L and M....I love reading about your life your ups and downs and hope everyone is happy...I will continue reading.

Until I find my way to the authorship of another blog I will drop in here and say hello, perhaps with some updates.