Thursday, March 25, 2010

Just another day of feeling obsolete

I really hate coming here to complain, but this is the only place where anyone would truly understand. I just don't feel right in a plural marriage at this point :/

It's the sister-wives. I've tried I think to empathize with them; to not interfere too much in their lives; and to be a friend to them. It's not working.

I've said before that I love #1. She is a trooper. She's loyal and steadfast and dependable. I don't know what I would have done without her after my surgery. I love her for accepting me and for being there for me. But...there is only one way to say it, she's gotten on my nerves of late. I'm starting to see the traits, after 2 years, that hubby used to talk about. She has taken to being a tad bossy and seems to lurk so that there is no chance for private talk in this house. Plus she calls the house roughly 12 times a day, sometimes more!!!! Ok so all of that isn't really that bad when I see it in print lol..

#2 is another story and frankly it's not ever going to change. She says she has tried to give me privacy with hubby. She claims she has accepted me...not. And her overt shows of PDA have lessened but just barely. The problem is two-fold. One, just her personality is irritating. By that I mean her lack of understanding and basic intelligence. Her life is all about her husband, our husband. She has nothing else, no friends outside the marriage and a job she dislikes and is always on the verge of losing. She's annoying in the way she repeats stories from her high-school days constantly and thinks she's an expert in everything - a quality that is laughable at best. Sorry to be mean but it's how I see it. While we get along better than we did in the past, I don't honestly see how we have achieved that. Second, I believe she really lives in her fantasy of the perfect white picket fence monogamous's soooooo pitiful. Now, she has taken to once again complain about things that have to do with #1 and me to hubby behind our backs. ugh!! I hate that. Horrible to say, but it seems like he takes her word for it all the time because she gives off this religious, happy go lucky face all the time that you wouldn't think she was capable of deceit, or manipulation but trust me she is. Her latest thing is that #1 complains that #2 doesn't do enough around the house, so she complains that I don't do anything around the house. I will admit that I could do more and I did at first, until it got to be a thorn in my side. I, after all, did not raise the messy children, nor did I organize this household. Therefore I stick to certain chores. I do household laundry when it needs to be done, we all pitch in with that. I cook every other night except when I was at my sickest and couldn't. I do dishes when needed, I straighten and vacuum the living room and I clean up after myself as well as the grandkids when I'm taking care of them. Silly as it may seem I don't see why the other two feel that because they work outside the house they should be exempt from cleaning chores. We had a casual agreement that #2 would do the floors and the bathrooms. #1 would help with household laundry and dishes. And the last one to eat dinner (unfortunately for her usually #2) would put up the food for the night; finish loading and start dishwasher. Oh well.

All this brings me to today, my day - one of two. Hubby has had the stomach virus going around the family for the past three days. Apparently he felt hungry very early this morning and had #2 make him an egg!! Well what do you know? He got sick to his stomach again! Consequently, he has been in bed all day. Their bed. And she didn't leave his side until the very last minute she had to leave for work this afternoon, including giving him a sponge bath!! I felt like I was allowed to make him tea, and whipped up some jello for later. I was going to offer to draw him a bath after she left for work but... My point is, I feel totally unnecessary here, obsolete. That's really the brunt of my complaint. And I'm having a difficult time with it because it's something I have felt off and on since I got here. Oh and to top it off, #1 insists on taking him to the emergency room when she gets home in a little while.

I'm still longing for my own home. Something I feel everyone grown woman deserves.


Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry you are having a hard time. I really am.

I was involved in a plural relationship and loved it...but it wasn't easy as our guy favored one of us over the others, which he wouldn't change...but that's another story.

What I can tell you is what helped bring me peace and taught me to get along better with everyone in my marriage: I read a book called The 4 Agreements and I then practice the 4 agreements in my life with EVERYONE. This has improved all my interpersonal relationships - with my mom, with my friends, with ALL my loved ones.

It took LOADS of compassion towards myself and others, and loads of sincerity within myself about my feelings of insecurity. This will not change how #2 deals with the emptiness in her own life but it will make a difference inside you and how you relate to her which might help her in kind.

Take good care my dear...

Anonymous said...

I'm sending you a <<<>>>. I think you need one. I wish I could send you a vacation,too. Withay

Bethany said...

I don't know if I am allowed or even eligible to comment here... I really can't believe I am saying this "Can this really be happening?" I am watching a show about Mormonism and I am a non-denotational Christian woman. I do not believe in churches as they have shown to be more ran like a business but that is not the point of my comment. My heart goes out to you. I have a husband who has been gone one month into his tour in Iraq. Whether or not you agree with the war he is there fighting for what America Is. We are the Land of the Free! I can't even imagine sharing my husband. I am a jealous woman, yet that is not an issue as he is faithful. I wish I could snatch you up and show you life beyond this primitive thinking. I want to encourage you as you truly sound heavy hearted. My sweet sister in Christ...religious views cannot separate my love for another burdened follower of Christ. I feel your pain of loneliness yet in a different way. I ache for my husband as I learned today a soldier from his battalion was killed. I pray he stays safe as today is our anniversary. Please know you are in my heart, my thoughts and my prayers.

Ana said...

Hi new#3!
I hope you are well. I think about you often, although I don't write much. I'm finding plural marriage isn't easy for any of us, regardless of who we are. I then think about monogamous marriages and I truly believe they aren't much better. I think we're all in want of something more.

Bethany's comment, "I wish I could snatch you up and show you life beyond this primitive thinking" cracked me up. I think she may have gotten it backwards. You need to snatch her up and show her life beyond her primitive thinking LOL...

new#3 said...

Bethany, I may sound heavy hearted at times but when I was in a "monogamous" marriage I was INSANE. Marriage, as Ana notes, is difficult at times, I think no matter what type of marriage you have. I sincerely hope your husband is safe and sound..

Anonymous I wish you would share your story.

Anonymous said...

This was written years ago so I don't think I will get an answer. I have been readign your blog and I often wonder...does your husband work outside of the home or does he work from home, or does he not work at all?