Monday, April 19, 2010

Aloneness

Loneliness - different than feeling alone? I think so. The same yet different. A person can feel lonely temporarily, even for a moment. Alone on the other hand, or aloneness is a chronic condition and I'm afraid being in a plural marriage has resulted in that condition for me.

It started out as small spats of loneliness that would pass. But as time goes on, more and more I feel simply alone here. Life seems to pass around me. There are lots of people, comings and goings. There is laughter and sadness. Normal things really. There are happy times and there are quarrels. But I find myself feeling as though I am alone on a bridge looking in to dark waters. And the connection with hubby lessens by the day. Is it me, my fault? Did my illness isolate me? Or is it him? Or perhaps it's just normal life. But I lie in my bed in the wee hours on most days and feel absolutely alone in this world.

Dear blog readers, don't panic, I'm not going anywhere. I just need to find my life again.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think that any time someone faces a major illness it causes them to examine their life. And you were already in a time of change when this happened. Initially, you are concerned with just getting through the treatments and surviving. Now that most of it is behind you, upi are becoming introspective. I think that is normal.Hang in there and do not do anything rash or impulsive. Prayers fly.... Withay

Tiffany said...

Dear #3,
You, of course, have the right to your own opinion about plural marriage. I, however, believe you deserve to have the same love I do with my husband. We are monogamous and grow CLOSER every day we are together. We are building a life together, not working out a schedule to be together. I'm not attacking your way of life; I am simply saying that if you feel that alone, maybe you should listen to your feelings. Why don't you deserve your own man? You said on this blog that this marriage is about loving a man enough to share him. So I ask you, what does he love you enough to do? He doesn't love you enough to share you...rather he somehow deserves the love and affection of 3 women, while looking for a 4th. I acknowledge man as the dominate sex, but I don't believe God intended for a man to enjoy multiple women while the women are forced to be faithful. I'm not a feminist, but I do believe women should believe they deserve more than what they can get out of a plural marriage. YOU DESERVE MORE. You deserve a pure love in which you and your partner love each other more than anyone else on the planet, and FORSAKE all others on the planet....like it says in wedding vows.

new#3 said...

Withay, I simply love you that you are still reading my blog!!! I sorely miss the debates we all used to have on the old hbo site believe it or not lol..And, yes, I think you're correct about becoming introspective. Only last night I picked up my copy of Susan Love's Breast Book and re-read the section about post treatment and she said almost the same thing you did!
Thank you friend :)

Tiffany, I appreciate your comment. I think it is possible that monogamous marriages can work. They just never did for me and the lord knows I tried..twice. As we get older our definition of happiness can change, especially if one has never been really happy in a marriage before. Were I of child bearing age I don't think I would ever have considered a plural marriage. I do love my husband enough to share him, I love his company and his caring ways. I enjoy him and that usually is enough for me. It's not really unlike having an affair with a married man, the way some women do, except that the wives all know. Not your cup of tea, I totally understand. I thank you for expressing your opinion and feelings with me.

Megs said...

Hey Tiffany,
I've been reading this blog for awhile now since I am new to the whole plural marriage thing and I kind of feel like I want to speak to your ideas of "deserving a man all to myself."

I am in the "child bearing years," in fact I'm actually not even 25. My mother has decided to disown me because of my decision to embark on a plural marriage. But yet, I know deep in my heart of hearts that this man is my soulmate. His current wife and he have had their share of problems, it's true. But they have a lovely child who I adore like my own and I can't wait to be a part of bringing little siblings into the family.

I love my fiance's wife like a sister. She is a wonderful and kind-hearted person. She is caring and selfless and completely supportive of the love I share with her husband (my future husband). I never thought this would be the life I would have, and I admit it definitely takes getting used to but the love that I have found with my future husband is more than worth it.

Did I want to find a monogamous relationship and get married? Yes. But would I be willing to leave the amazing love I have at the chance that I might find a man without the baggage that my current one comes with? Hell no!

So, I would just like to say... I'm new to this and as a future second wife I appreciate all the support I can get!

Gary K. said...

Neither monogamy nor plural marriage is a solution to anything, especially inter-personal issues. Both are lifestyles only. Child-rearing, illness, financial, and compatability issues arise in both and cause strains in both. Plural marriage itself is not the problem. In any form of marriage, the maturity of the partners and their ability and willingness to compromise is crucial, but the greater complexity of plural marriage makes those qualities vital. But monogamous couples are not notably happier. In times of crisis and unhappiness, such as yours, the partners must support and love one another. If that is missing, the marriage has problems regardless of its form.

Deorccwen said...

In all honesty, this sounds to me like depression. I am not a medical person, but I have experienced post-natal depression myself. What you have posted sounds a lot like depression to me.

It might be a temporary result of illness or medication, or of the stress caused by experiencing a life-threatening illness, or it may be something more deep-seated. Either way, it is probably worth investigating if it gets any worse.

Only you can know whether the circumstances of your daily life are such that this feeling of aloneness is reasonable. If it is reasonable, then if it were me, I would address the root of the problem rather than try to medicate the feeling out of existence. But if you genuinely think it is an exaggerated response, but still experience it this deeply emotionally, then it is probably worth mentioning to your doctor.

There are non-medical things you can do to help ease depression. I can't remember off-hand what they are, except for exercise, which may not yet be possible for you. There is probably further information about non-medical techniques online. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful.

I hope you feel much better soon.

Big Love Over Logic said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling so alone. Even though I haven't been on blogger in a long time, my prayers for you continued. While I was walking in support of a friend here in AZ, I also thought of you on the day of the Komen walk in October.

I know several friends who after treatment, felt similar feelings. Everyone deals with these things in different ways, but give yourself time. You've been through a lot and pat yourself on the back for all you've gone through. You are going to continue to kick cancers @ss!

Hugs, Love and Support, M

Anonymous said...

Hi. I am a 27 year old only wife to my husband. I am a Chistian. He is amazing, he ticks all the boxes. He loves me to bits, yet at times I feel so alone and lonely. I am a stay at home mother, have not many friends and live in a foreign country away from my family. So a lot of times I feel so alone, so much that I desire for my husband to marry another wife, my best friend who visits us now and again. I hope some day my hubby will be open to plural marriage.

I have been reading your blog a while. One thing I find very discouraging about your life is that you do not sleep with your husband every night. I can not go to sleep without my husband next to me. I strongly believe that we do not get married to spent nights alone, we might as well be single. I hate sleeping on my own, and I believe no wife should do that, its horrible.

One thing I despise about most plural marriages is that women take turns to sleep with their husband. This is a recipe for disaster and its whats at the heart of jelousy between wives.I find it all very disturbing, and many women in plural marraiges will feel lonely because of this.

If my husband ever married another woman, which is very unlikely but I hope it happens someday, I will not sleep alone while my husband sleep in another room with his other wife. We will all sleep in one bed every night, there is nothing in scripture that says this is a sin and I believe its the way it should be! A man is supposed to sleep with his wife every night! Regardless how many wives he has...thats something that people who choose plural marriage should consider before getting into it. If you find the whole idea of sharing a bed with your hubby and his other wives/wife uncomfortable, then maybe polygamy is not for you. The thing is women who cant do this yet they are in plural marriage contradict themselves, and are trying to live monogomous marriage in a plural marriage. If you cant share your husband intimately, as in be intimate with him with his other wives, then I am afraid plural marriage is NOT for you, and you are in for a long life of jelousy, pain and lonliness. I love and desire plural marriage, the only dark side I see to it is when people have routines about sleeping arrangements. Sex is meant to be between husband and wife, that does not mean it cant be done with a husband and his wives at the same time...

I believe your sleeping arrangements in your household play a huge part in the way you are feeling. In the state you are in, You should not be sleeping on your own without your husband. I hope things will work out for you.

Ana said...

I understand you feeling alone, new#3. I agree with Anonymous that when we're faced with major life changes we begin to take a closer look at our lives and everything around us. I can't stress enough how I admire your strength and perseverance. You give others hope.

Regarding the comment you received about all sleeping together. To each his own. I just think a man sleeping with more than one of his wives in the same bed makes for an unhealthy relationship and is morally incorrect. It's not plural marriage. It's an innovation and perversion. I don't think it need to be mentioned in the scripture that it's not allowed for anyone to know it's sinful. Those are just my thoughts about it.

As I mentioned, everyone's different. When my marriage was monogamous, I used to love sleeping alone when my husband was away on business trips and didn't come home. I used to be in bliss. Now that we're polygamous, I still enjoy those days that he's away. Every now and again, I may get lonely, but that's a rarity.

Continue to hang in there, new#3

new#3 said...

I appreciate all your helpful and insightful comments. Yes, I believe I have been going through a very depressed time following treatment. I don't know who you are Deorccwen, but your comments hit the nail on the head and I found them to be very affirming of the way I felt and why. I am feeling better these days, not 100 percent, I won't lie, but better!!