Not quite farewell.

It's been a year now....It actually went faster than I thought this being away from my poly family.

Things aren't perfect here where I am at the moment either...nothing is perfect, you would think by this ripe old age I would know that! I am planning a trip back home hopefully this Fall...wish me luck!

I'm thinking of starting a new blog, since I have little to say about polygamy at the moment. I never really advocated nor did I ever feel disdain for polygamy/plural marriage. I just accepted it as a viable alternative lifestyle and for some people a religious belief. This has just been about my journey. The best and the worst of it.

I wish I was happier with the lifestyle. It could suit me so well as I like my independence and alone time...but that's not what my experience brought to the table. I am envious of those of you who have that experience, and of those of you who don't but at least have what you want.

My problem as the father of my children reminded me a couple of weeks ago, is that I've never been the submissive type...yes, he actually said that because I disagreed with something he said about the kids...but it applies to the experience I have in a plural marriage. Not that hubby ever expected me to be that way, but he did expect me to fall in line with the others when suitable. Hard to explain really. I think the hardest thing for me though is putting up and living within the same walls as sister wives. It just rubs me the wrong way I guess...I often say to them: I've had the college (and high school) dormitory experience long ago. This is way too much like that. I need a kitchen of my own, a bathroom of my own, I'm older and sharing space is not an agreeable option for me. Sigh. Oh well. They just don't get that. My sister wives are very much the sacrificing type...or is it just that all of the people in that house with the exception of hubby are their blood? I, on the other hand, have always been the outsider.

I don't know what the future will bring but I'm not sure I see the point of writing about this experience any more.

I congratulate D for writing her book! I feel joyous for her. It's something I always contemplated doing, whether about polygamy or something else...life always got in the way for me.

Ana, you are amazing! Your wisdom has been very appreciated.

BC, I worry about you and hope your life gets better.

To L and M....I love reading about your life your ups and downs and hope everyone is happy...I will continue reading.

Until I find my way to the authorship of another blog I will drop in here and say hello, perhaps with some updates.

Dreams and Ambitions and Life

So through the generosity of a family member I have had the good fortune to be able to watch a show on HBO TV called "Newsroom". I'll be honest the first episode didn't impress me except for the wonderful performance turned in by Sam Waterson. However, I felt compelled to keep watching. There have been 5 episodes thus far, each getting better and better, but that's not why I'm writing this.

I'm mostly writing this to remind myself of a couple of dreams and ambitions I've had throughout my life that were actually good!

As a child I wasn't a stellar student. I was what was known back then in the dinosaur age as an "underachiever." Today, many underachievers are diagnosed with ADHD or ADD. I wasn't hyperactive, I just preferred to sit in class and daydream. Dreaming of the typical young girl things like being a movie star like Tuesday Weld or Elizabeth Taylor soon progressed once I reached high school age. In a private Catholic boarding school one of the nuns recognized my ability to put my thoughts down on paper. I soon became a reporter for the school newspaper and in my senior year the editor of the Literary Magazine. College and the 1960's and 70's totally sidetracked me with an enormous interest in politics and the News. And then a couple of marriages and children got in the way. During the years I was a stay at home mother, volunteerism and activism fueled my soul. I volunteered at their schools; and campaigned for the environment mostly. Occasionally, I'm not sure why, I did PR work for whatever group I was active in. Newsletters, letters to the editor and guest editorials and features.

Then an eccentric woman who started a weekly newspaper with her grown son tapped me to work for her. At first I did everything but I stunk at selling advertisements so I stuck to reporting. In the newsroom, my nickname soon became "Front Page." I covered school board meetings, local crime (the most fun I hate to admit), and local politics. I can not describe how much I felt at home in the newsroom. I owe a lot to my now deceased mentor. To make a long story a little shorter, I wound up working for a Pol in PR and Press relations. I daydreamed occasionally that I worked for one of the TV stations I dealt with writing news. Though that never happened, it wasn't a bad ambition to have. It kept me focused on what was important to write and occasionally spin.

Life can get in the way of our ambitions. I've often thought I never reached my potential because I have always been an "underachiever." But I think my point today is that I didn't do so poorly...I worked in a field I loved. As I watch the show, Newsroom, my pulse beats a little faster; a smile comes over my face even though serious topics are being discussed.

I come to life for that brief hour. For that time I am not worried about finances; nor am I torn between polygamy and my life with my biological family. I am not sad and I'm not lonely. I have no regret. It's my Calgon moment. It's wonderful!

depression

I didn't realize how long it had been since I last posted. No excuses, I just haven't felt like it. This journey .... I don't know what to say anymore frankly. To be even more brutally honest, my depression seems to have overwhelmed me.

I've suffered from depression on and off for most of my adult life, or so it seems. Throughout my 20s, 30s and even 40s, I managed to control it by myself. I used to just chase it away when it would pop up. Plus, children, especially when they are young, have a way of helping you smile and laugh, and laughter truly is good medicine. I practiced yoga on and off for years; and I always had a large circle of friends. I was busy. If I woke up sad, I learned to brush it off. Unfortunately I think what happens when you are busy trying to keep your sanity is that you neglect other things; make bad decisions; clumsy mistakes; and sometimes let anger take over emotions. There were even times when I had such terrible anxiety that my nerves literally would get the best of me. Eventually, at one difficult time I sought help from a doctor and started taking anti-depression and anxiety medications.

Today I woke up confused. Is this sadness? Anger? Just a funk? Medication doesn't always work...better decision making helps just as much even more sometimes. Decision making has always and continues to be my worst character flaw I think. Two hours after waking up, I just sunk in to despair. All I could think of was how I had ruined my life, my kids lives, probably all three of the husbands I've had, and god knows who else's lives. Remorse and guilt swept over me like huge waves crashing on the beach. After about ten minutes of self-pity I stood up and took some deep breaths. I'll get over this just as I always have. I will hug my grand-babies and smile because that is what I do. I will accept, eventually, that a loving, happy relationship is just not meant to be. I will not let heartbreak and guilt overcome the rest of my life.

I finally understand how my mother (now deceased) felt years after my dad passed away. More than once she would say, "I just need to touch someone and have them touch me." I was so busy at the time being touched (hugged, grabbed, tickled, kissed, patted, etc)by my young children and husband that I didn't empathize at all....Ma, I am so sorry.

A good day for America and for us

I don't know if any of you are for or against gay marriage. It doesn't really matter to me because I truly believe that we are all entitled to our different opinions. I just happen to agree with Clint Eastwood,over 50% of our citizens including Dick Cheney, and the President of the United States. After all, as Robin Williams has joked, why shouldn't gay people have the same right to be miserable as the rest of us!

All joking aside, yesterday was a good day for our country and for polygamists if you think about it. We are one more step, however small or large, to our neighbors accepting different marital lifestyles as the norm. That's an excellent thing.

NTPW posted recently about a colleague seeing her husband and his other wife out to dinner. This is an awkward moment for a professional woman, should I explain or not? No, I'll just brush over it...no, it's no one's business really, etc. etc. etc. Truth is it would be nice not to have to even think about it. Truth is, the family I (new#3)was born in to have never really accepted it. At first they expressed surprise and shock, then grudging acceptance that soon faded away the very second I expressed any concern, unhappiness or doubt.

For me the whole issue of gay marriage is one of liberty and equality. I have gay friends who have been praying for acceptance of gay marriage for years. I'm not sure I totally emphasized with them until I entered in to a plural marriage. To this day I don't talk about my marriage to certain people and don't mention it at all in social situations unless I am with hubby and he brings it up first. That has happened occasionally especially in the beginning when we would be on vacation surrounded by strangers...I was often surprised at the reaction...rarely did anyone care or say anything negative. Usually there would be a lot of curiosity. Which was fine.

So really, what's the big deal about gay marriage? I don't know but unfortunately several of my more conservative friends have expressed outrage which makes me sad. For some it's just another thing to hold against the President. Well, like him or not. Agree with his administration's policies or not. I admire his courage. And I'm happy for my gay friends.

Friends Who Ask Nothing

I don't really see myself as a painter/artist, writing is what I do, but I've been painting quite a bit lately. It's relaxing. the lighthouse is an old painting done for the painting class when I first moved across the country. I remember going to that class, a senior education class at a junior college, and feeling so strange with a roomful of strangers. I came to feel like that class was an oasis and those strangers my only friends.

They were women mostly, and approximately my age. They were so hospitable and nice, and some of them quite talented. The teacher was great...easy going and encouraging. She provided a list of needed supplies; and she never said an unkind word. Some of them had taken the yoga class I took for a while. None of them knew my circumstances or lifestyle and there was no need to go in to all that in order to be friendly. All they knew was that I had moved from the Northeast; married a man much younger; and had children, step-kids, and grand-kids. We didn't socialize outside of class but they did invite me to shows an art organization they belonged to held on occasion. They invited me to join, but I never did. Once I drove to the teacher's home to give her a kitten she wanted to adopt. Sometimes one of them would bake and bring goodies in to share. We exchanged small gifts at Christmas or hand-painted greeting cards. When after a year or so I became sick, they comforted me. They were empathetic and offered help that I graciously turned down. When I returned to class some months later with a bandanna around my bald head they complimented me. When my hair grew back they were thrilled for me. We spent the class painting and swapping stories about our grandchildren. I sorely miss those women.

People you meet in life who ask nothing of you except occasional camaraderie are undervalued. They are the best kind of friends. When I left, after that last class, I sat in the parking lot in the car and cried.

Good news and conflicts I think about constantly

Some good news...I am painting again. Completed two new paintings and gave them away. I wasn't very thrilled about them because they were in a new medium for me, acrylics, but the people I gave them to liked them so voila, instant gift! D asked to see some of my work, as soon as I can figure that out I will share. Some not so good not so sure news...I still don't know when I will be returning to Hubby's house. It's a huge distance and I do miss the family, but not all the confusion to be honest. I find I miss Hubby's friendship and companionship, oddly enough most often when I am watching tv alone at night. I miss the grandchildren tremendously. My conflicts are too many and too confusing to list here in full but I know for certain what some of them are. My biological family. They really don't want me to go back except to pick up my things, which would be an enormous project. And very, very emotional. As I get older conflict is not something I look forward to. But I do miss some of my things, particularly books and photographs. I have become very attached to the grandchildren here. At the point at which I left our finances were strained in that we were all living pay check to pay check, and not always so well. I brought half my income here so that I can exist, but I find more and more that it isn't enough. Easy solution would be to go back, a much more difficult would be to take more money from the family pot. In a way I'm not sure that's fair to them since they are going through some major financial problems at the moment. #2 lost her job and hasn't found a new one! The eldest son needs surgery and can't go back to work until that is finished and he goes through rehab. The conflict? One of my sons is out of work, the one with a family. It is super expensive to live here. I feel, perhaps irrationally, very torn up inside about all this. Another problem that has multiple facets to it is the state of our marriage....see? I could go on and on.... More good news is that the coldest of the weather seems to be gone. Spring, my second favorite season, is here! I haven't started keeping a daily journal again...I don't know why. And I haven't gone back to writing for the website I used to write for, again, not sure why that is. I wish some of my favorites like NTPW/H and Older/Wiser would start blogging again, I miss reading them. And BC, you should really start a blog!

Writing and Painting

I used to think I couldn't paint...well I can't lol very well...but it is the hobby I took up when I moved to Hubby's part of the world, as a way of meeting people etc. I believe Hidden Sage first suggested it. I met this group of women roughly my age who while I didn't have a hell of a lot in common with them, I liked them. Of course, the friendships only went so far as I didn't feel I could share my lifestyle choice with them, but in a way I miss them. And I missed the painting so I've begun to pick it up again, it relaxes me. It has taken the place of my writing for the most part. Writing is more disciplined and exact, and my concentration isn't great at the moment.

I admire those who can just sit down and write. I need either inspiration or an assignment...and I have neither right now. This blog has taken the place of a journal. Unfortunately, it's not daily. I think it would be even more boring to people than it is now, if I were to start blogging every single day. So...where is my notebook? lol