My journey in plural marriage is done. Foolishly I thought being away would perhaps spark the old feelings and rescue what was left of my part in the marriage...I was wrong.
The youngest boy kept me there...actually, I do believe he kept me alive during the worst of fighting breast cancer and during the worst of the marriage. I had known him since he was barely two years old and I could see my influence on him. Unlike his father and older brother, he is a social being. Dropping him off or picking him up from preschool was a joy. But I digress. Truth is, the youngest grandson in that house, also aided me in my decision to never return. I don't want to hurt him or his siblings by coming and going and coming and going. I hope someday someone will explain that to them.
I feel relief. Sadness. Frustration. Some Anger, mostly at myself. I was surprised there has been no grieving on my part for relationships lost, a marriage gone. Then I realized that I had grieved for that long ago. I have never experienced as much heartbreak as I felt when I was there. I'm a person that cherishes alone time, but I grew to feeling so alone. More than being alone, I was always even in the midst of all the many people who were in and out of that house ... just alone.
There will be no contact with what had become my other family. No phone calls, emails, Christmas cards. I am sorry for any hurt I have caused. So sorry that the dream ended. The hopes I had for a new, better life; for love and happiness and fun have been gone for quite a while. Truth is only the young children missed me all this time I've been gone. I try to remember the good times, but it's a stretch because they are long ago. Unfortunately they are replaced by memories of deception and pain, as though I had been emotionally raped and stripped of everything I ever held dear; especially a lifetime of working on my self-esteem. Financially I have gone from sailing on a ship to far away places to being strapped and stressed beyond my wildest dreams.
So, while I may not disapprove of the plural lifestyle, for me the journey has ended. the dream has vanished. And I am, I hope, alone in a good way.
Showing posts with label romance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label romance. Show all posts
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Love and Romance and Family
I would like to recommend to new readers that they read the posts listed under "romance" especially, Love, romance and how I got here and Yesterday, everyday. I want you to know that my relationship with hubby wasn't always so sour. It was rooted in romance and an amazing love and respect for each other. Also, I knew about his being a polygamist before we ever met, actually from our first conversation, so know I walked in to this with my eyes open, a spring in my step and a smile on my face.
As I think upon what possibly has gone wrong, more and more I think most, if not all, of it has to do with me missing my family. Have there been problems, especially with #2, yes. But 1600 plus miles is a long way to move even when your children are grown...unless you are like a friend of mine who has the money to travel back and forth for every occasion and then some. I just missed them a whole lot but even more than that they missed me. I could suffer leaving my career, and friends behind, but there has been a deep emptiness from missing my kids.
I am a firm believer in the theory that couples need to put their relationship as the primary relationship and their children as second. However in reality I'm not sure that always works. My children, I thought, would perhaps move to where I was someday. But as time went on it became clear that wasn't going to happen ... and why should it? Where I was may as well have been a different country, another world. I went away seeking a happier life. Somehow, without my telling them they seem to have sensed I wasn't totally happier. But I also think after my cancer operation and treatment, when they saw me with almost no hair, looking so much older...I think they started to speak their minds about wanting me closer to them. Truth is, I really wanted to get to know my natural born grandchildren as well.
I remember when I was feeling so sick how I longed for more hugs, more empathy. Selfish I know. But it started, I think, the feeling of being lonely for my kids and I missed them more and more.
Anyway, read that section if you haven't already. I just did and it made me smile :) Hopes were so high at that time. Love was in the air. And in some ways I felt better than I ever had.
I doubt I will ever find that degree of romance again. Long courtships are wonderful and that's what we had.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Schedules
I don't think I've ever elaborated about schedules here..in my old blog maybe. But schedules are important in polygamy in my humble opinion.
When I first arrived here the three who were in the marriage already didn't have a schedule at all..it was more or less equal time in the first few years from what I've been told, then it was catch as catch can..with #2 catching the most time (from what I've been told and can tell). All and all no one minded this arrangement, which also was pretty dependent on the work schedules of each individual. And they had a "marriage bed" that they all shared..I think I've mentioned that before.
Anyway, along comes little old me. I say, ok guys we need a schedule!! And I watch as they all fall down. I was imposing my belief on them and honestly I really thought it would be a piece of cake.
So, three wives, 7 days, I suggest 2 days/nights each with a rotation somehow of the 7th day/night. We all look at the calendar and the other two wives each want one of their days off of course, and preferably two (all). Well that wasn't always going to work. We also occasionally switched nights which Hubby found confusing and unsettling. I think in the beginning we did 2+2+2+1. Then someone noticed that someone would be getting 3 in a row once in a while..revisit the calendar.
Then we changed to what I liked which was every other day kind of thing, what is referred to sometimes as a Round Robin Schedule. This was pretty fair in my opinion. Of course some months or weeks someone would get the third day/night therefore initiating talk and strife over the whole dang thing. #2 HATED this schedule because her time didn't always fall on her days off. After a month or two of her whining, Hubby took control of it and changed the schedule.Each of us with 2 days/nights and the supposed extra or 7th day/night being his to do with what he liked, go out, play cards, spend more time with the kids or whatever. He turned out to rarely do that. Which I of course knew would happen. I dislike this schedule for reasons that make me sad. At first Hubby would alternate his place of sleeping on that "extra day" then slowly, especially after my surgery, he took to always sleeping in the other room. He says he thinks of that as his room because it was for so many long years..advice to those contemplating a polygamous marriage...try not to enter in to one where all other parties involved have been involved for many, many years. Makes sense if you think about it.
Anyway, I took to researching this schedule thing. One family I found on the internet did a three/four; three/four; on alternating weeks and nicely if one wife was away for a few days she got a day or two extra to re-bond with the husband. If the husband and one wife went away to see family or vacation, the wife left home would get that extra day or two upon their return. This was an extremely civilized family who unfortunately don't blog anymore or I would point you in that direction.
Everyone seems to have their own type of schedule, some not as organized. It is supposed to help with jealous feelings, resentment etc and I think it does.
Now, for an odd reason I find myself thinking to hell with the schedule let's just do whatever comes naturally or whatever hubby wants, or something along those lines..let's just chuck it all out and be less organized and more free spirited. Let's have some spontaneity .. let's be romantic???? Maybe
When I first arrived here the three who were in the marriage already didn't have a schedule at all..it was more or less equal time in the first few years from what I've been told, then it was catch as catch can..with #2 catching the most time (from what I've been told and can tell). All and all no one minded this arrangement, which also was pretty dependent on the work schedules of each individual. And they had a "marriage bed" that they all shared..I think I've mentioned that before.
Anyway, along comes little old me. I say, ok guys we need a schedule!! And I watch as they all fall down. I was imposing my belief on them and honestly I really thought it would be a piece of cake.
So, three wives, 7 days, I suggest 2 days/nights each with a rotation somehow of the 7th day/night. We all look at the calendar and the other two wives each want one of their days off of course, and preferably two (all). Well that wasn't always going to work. We also occasionally switched nights which Hubby found confusing and unsettling. I think in the beginning we did 2+2+2+1. Then someone noticed that someone would be getting 3 in a row once in a while..revisit the calendar.
Then we changed to what I liked which was every other day kind of thing, what is referred to sometimes as a Round Robin Schedule. This was pretty fair in my opinion. Of course some months or weeks someone would get the third day/night therefore initiating talk and strife over the whole dang thing. #2 HATED this schedule because her time didn't always fall on her days off. After a month or two of her whining, Hubby took control of it and changed the schedule.Each of us with 2 days/nights and the supposed extra or 7th day/night being his to do with what he liked, go out, play cards, spend more time with the kids or whatever. He turned out to rarely do that. Which I of course knew would happen. I dislike this schedule for reasons that make me sad. At first Hubby would alternate his place of sleeping on that "extra day" then slowly, especially after my surgery, he took to always sleeping in the other room. He says he thinks of that as his room because it was for so many long years..advice to those contemplating a polygamous marriage...try not to enter in to one where all other parties involved have been involved for many, many years. Makes sense if you think about it.
Anyway, I took to researching this schedule thing. One family I found on the internet did a three/four; three/four; on alternating weeks and nicely if one wife was away for a few days she got a day or two extra to re-bond with the husband. If the husband and one wife went away to see family or vacation, the wife left home would get that extra day or two upon their return. This was an extremely civilized family who unfortunately don't blog anymore or I would point you in that direction.
Everyone seems to have their own type of schedule, some not as organized. It is supposed to help with jealous feelings, resentment etc and I think it does.
Now, for an odd reason I find myself thinking to hell with the schedule let's just do whatever comes naturally or whatever hubby wants, or something along those lines..let's just chuck it all out and be less organized and more free spirited. Let's have some spontaneity .. let's be romantic???? Maybe
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Love, Romance, and How I got here.
Some plural families are formed out of religious belief as we all know, and some are not. All of Hubby's wives are here in this family out of love. At the time I first met our husband I had given up believing in romance; I had failed miserably at it before so it was something I thought was best to not even think about. But love came back into my life when as the cliche goes, I was least expecting it.
I was unhappily co-existing with my then husband. I had older teenage children that I was praying would hurry up and grow up so that I could make my move toward independence. We met online originally but soon struck up a real friendship. I found him very easy to talk to and I think he did me. I knew he had two wives from the very first, before we ever met in person. It seemed to me at the time that all of his life angst came directly from the living in a plural situation and needing to be all things to all people. That's not exactly true but it was definitely part of it. We both suffered from depression, he more than I or at least I thought so. As time went on our friendship grew to something else. I was desperately in love with a man who would never be mine. We didn't see each other for a year and a half. Our lives were very busy without each other. But I couldn't get him out of my mind and we talked everyday. We've always talked frequently. Once I was estranged from my marriage we saw each other again as though we had never stopped. But the question of plural marriage loomed behind us like a cloud about to burst into storm.
Polygamy goes against my traditional thoughts of romance and love. Doesn't everyone want to be someone's one and only? After much back and forth I agreed to visit where he lived and meet the women who could wind up being my sister wives. I don't think they liked me much at the start, but I was pleasantly surprised and taken off guard by their overall loving plural marriage. I'm not sure what I expected but I didn't think real love would have anything to do with it.Hubby seemed happy with them, I was somewhat disappointed, I'll admit. Disappointed and jealous. I'll admit that too. When I pointed out to Hubby that the situation wasn't what I had expected; that I thought he was miserable with them; he pointed out that all that was missing in his life was me. He loved them of course but he couldn't shake that he needed me in his life to feel content.
I'd been in love before and it has never ended well. I just didn't know what to do in this case. We were so close I wondered how well I could do without him.
He made me laugh, smile and feel younger than my years. He thought I was funny and he made me feel prettier than I am. He didn't mind that I was smart. I made him feel loved for who he is, with no further expectation or agenda. I think I gave him a certain confidence. We went on several trips; our relationship was full of love and adventure. Was I ready to give that up and go back to being plain old me? The answer obviously was no. I struggled with my decision for a very long time. I didn't want the music to end but wasn't quite ready to leap into the fire of a plural marriage.
I had all my life been a very jealous person. By some magic I learned to deal with my jealousies. I will say that Hubby is very good at putting me at ease. There has been from the beginning resistance from #2 but everyone else in the family welcomed me with open arms. Once I realized that 2's resistance came from feeling in some ways threatened by me, I realized that jealousy works both ways. Oddly that made me feel better.
It wasn't just the jealousy that had me concerned. It was also all of their collective history, of which I was no part. I was a newcomer, the noob, the outsider. That scared me. Then Hubby made it clear in an indirect way that he couldn't be happy without adding to the family and that he wished that person to be me but if not, this was who he is. I would never be his one and only but he would do his darndest to make me feel special in other ways.
So that is how I came to be a plural wife. For all it's flaws it's a situation that works for him, and now for me. It is built on love. It may be different than your love but it is love just the same. A love story with a twist as Hubby's niece has called it.
The transition from a candidate for plural wife and actually being one has been messy at some times; frustrating and even hurtful. It's also been fun and frantic. I think I might just be getting used to it.
I was unhappily co-existing with my then husband. I had older teenage children that I was praying would hurry up and grow up so that I could make my move toward independence. We met online originally but soon struck up a real friendship. I found him very easy to talk to and I think he did me. I knew he had two wives from the very first, before we ever met in person. It seemed to me at the time that all of his life angst came directly from the living in a plural situation and needing to be all things to all people. That's not exactly true but it was definitely part of it. We both suffered from depression, he more than I or at least I thought so. As time went on our friendship grew to something else. I was desperately in love with a man who would never be mine. We didn't see each other for a year and a half. Our lives were very busy without each other. But I couldn't get him out of my mind and we talked everyday. We've always talked frequently. Once I was estranged from my marriage we saw each other again as though we had never stopped. But the question of plural marriage loomed behind us like a cloud about to burst into storm.
Polygamy goes against my traditional thoughts of romance and love. Doesn't everyone want to be someone's one and only? After much back and forth I agreed to visit where he lived and meet the women who could wind up being my sister wives. I don't think they liked me much at the start, but I was pleasantly surprised and taken off guard by their overall loving plural marriage. I'm not sure what I expected but I didn't think real love would have anything to do with it.Hubby seemed happy with them, I was somewhat disappointed, I'll admit. Disappointed and jealous. I'll admit that too. When I pointed out to Hubby that the situation wasn't what I had expected; that I thought he was miserable with them; he pointed out that all that was missing in his life was me. He loved them of course but he couldn't shake that he needed me in his life to feel content.
I'd been in love before and it has never ended well. I just didn't know what to do in this case. We were so close I wondered how well I could do without him.
He made me laugh, smile and feel younger than my years. He thought I was funny and he made me feel prettier than I am. He didn't mind that I was smart. I made him feel loved for who he is, with no further expectation or agenda. I think I gave him a certain confidence. We went on several trips; our relationship was full of love and adventure. Was I ready to give that up and go back to being plain old me? The answer obviously was no. I struggled with my decision for a very long time. I didn't want the music to end but wasn't quite ready to leap into the fire of a plural marriage.
I had all my life been a very jealous person. By some magic I learned to deal with my jealousies. I will say that Hubby is very good at putting me at ease. There has been from the beginning resistance from #2 but everyone else in the family welcomed me with open arms. Once I realized that 2's resistance came from feeling in some ways threatened by me, I realized that jealousy works both ways. Oddly that made me feel better.
It wasn't just the jealousy that had me concerned. It was also all of their collective history, of which I was no part. I was a newcomer, the noob, the outsider. That scared me. Then Hubby made it clear in an indirect way that he couldn't be happy without adding to the family and that he wished that person to be me but if not, this was who he is. I would never be his one and only but he would do his darndest to make me feel special in other ways.
So that is how I came to be a plural wife. For all it's flaws it's a situation that works for him, and now for me. It is built on love. It may be different than your love but it is love just the same. A love story with a twist as Hubby's niece has called it.
The transition from a candidate for plural wife and actually being one has been messy at some times; frustrating and even hurtful. It's also been fun and frantic. I think I might just be getting used to it.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Anniversary
Our hubby has not one, two or three anniversaries to remember but 4! We have our individual anniversary - #1 their original wedding day. #2 I think it's the day they commerate her joining the family. #3 (me) The day we met. #4!!! The day I officially joined the family and we had a collective ceremony. The other day was my personal anniversary. And it was lovely!
Hubby surprised me with breakfast in bed, then we went out for a very extravagent and wonderful dinner in a romantic spot. When we got home, we had cake with the grandkids and kids and sister wives. He also had flowers delivered to our home.
He is very good at special days. I'm not. :( I always seem to botch them in some way and never really know what to do, if a gift is appropriate or all that.
Yes, yes, there were moments that tugged me back to the realities...you can guess what they were, I don't want to spoil my mood. But it really was a lovely day and it happened to fall on my usual day so there wasn't any switching around or anything. thankfully because it's always a hassle when we do that.
Other good news:
#2 if finally back to work - she was laid off for two whole weeks!
I seem to be getting along with the teenagers somewhat better!
I've been here 11 months and I think the worst of the adjustment period is over!
Interesting note:
The 16 yr old son woke me up during a nap before dinner on my anniversary night with a startling question: "Do you think it's right for Dad to kiss #2 on your Anniversary day?" wow
THAT was out of the blue. I think I said something like well that depends why? And he said something like, well I don't. And he walked out of my room!! Turns out he also confronted his dad with that question!!!
Hubby tried to explain to him that he would never reject affection from his wives and that there was nothing wrong with an affectionate kiss on anyone's day. I explained to hubby that probably the question arose because #2 is KISSY very frequently and it amuses us all to an extent and it also is odd given the length of their relationship...of course he responded that we all hug him or vice versa any day but that #2 was just expressing her insecurities on my special day as per usual and I didn't seem so upset about it, why should it upset his son? hmmmm
Hubby surprised me with breakfast in bed, then we went out for a very extravagent and wonderful dinner in a romantic spot. When we got home, we had cake with the grandkids and kids and sister wives. He also had flowers delivered to our home.
He is very good at special days. I'm not. :( I always seem to botch them in some way and never really know what to do, if a gift is appropriate or all that.
Yes, yes, there were moments that tugged me back to the realities...you can guess what they were, I don't want to spoil my mood. But it really was a lovely day and it happened to fall on my usual day so there wasn't any switching around or anything. thankfully because it's always a hassle when we do that.
Other good news:
#2 if finally back to work - she was laid off for two whole weeks!
I seem to be getting along with the teenagers somewhat better!
I've been here 11 months and I think the worst of the adjustment period is over!
Interesting note:
The 16 yr old son woke me up during a nap before dinner on my anniversary night with a startling question: "Do you think it's right for Dad to kiss #2 on your Anniversary day?" wow
THAT was out of the blue. I think I said something like well that depends why? And he said something like, well I don't. And he walked out of my room!! Turns out he also confronted his dad with that question!!!
Hubby tried to explain to him that he would never reject affection from his wives and that there was nothing wrong with an affectionate kiss on anyone's day. I explained to hubby that probably the question arose because #2 is KISSY very frequently and it amuses us all to an extent and it also is odd given the length of their relationship...of course he responded that we all hug him or vice versa any day but that #2 was just expressing her insecurities on my special day as per usual and I didn't seem so upset about it, why should it upset his son? hmmmm
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Some of my thinking has changed about plural marriage
This process has changed me for the better in a lot of respects. However my beliefs about polygamy have also changed somewhat. I thought, naively, that the best way to enter in to a polygamous marriage was through the "romantic" way. WRONG! That is probably the most difficult way to begin this journey.
At least that is what I have come to believe. Let me tell you why if I can..
I believe in romance. It concerns me when I hear about people who are in arranged marriages or marriages of convenience. Romantic love, I have always believed, is the heart and soul of a marriage. In some ways I still believe that but for a plural marriage it is the one thing through which difficulty arises, making sexual jealousy, compromise, sharing everything, children, legalities, housework, all pale.
Now I have truly come to believe that this is a situation best entered in to through the hearts of the women. When women in a marriage choose as best as they can, the new member of the family. Are you shocked at me? You see, I just can't bring myself to "love" #2 in a way that would make life easier around me. She annoys the hell out of me. Sorry. I've learned to get along with her. I even can tolerate her incessant talking more than before, and frankly I think she has come to respect that I can't LISTEN constantly. I rarely find a person I can't be friends with, but I have found one in her. I really am I swear, a pretty tolerant person. But this woman has so many character flaws, and immature qualities, that there is no way I would have ever chosen to spend this much time with her. I've probably said this all before but it bears repeating simply because I've also noted that there have been some improvements. The thing is, if you are going to live in the same house with someone who has NO OTHER LIFE, and they are totally dependent on you and hubby for conversation and entertainment, you best adore her company!
The thing is hubby DOES adore her company. He admits she annoys him. He'll admit she's a dingbat, matter of fact that is the family's nick name for her. He'll admit that she is childish and irresponsible. That she manipulates people into getting her own way even about simple things. But I can tell he enjoys her company, even though he doesn't enjoy her chatter. The reason is plain, she worships him. However, that is one of the qualities I find so annoying. I mean WORSHIP. She refuses to do anything but utter compliments and criticises me for having the nerve to occasionally say things like "dear, I don't think you want to do that" or "Honey, wouldn't it be better if we did this tomorrow." Or, when he asks for opinion, she always agrees with him even if in private she'll mutter disagreement to herself. YUCK.
He even knows she isn't sincere. I THINK. Everyone in the family seems to see it anyway. But there you have it. My reason I would never choose her for a sister wife, or agree to have her here if she wasn't already here before me. And honestly, I'm sad about it. For the first time in my life, I find myself wanting to pray for help about something that isn't tragic, just annoying on a constant basis. What am I praying for? Not her poofing into thin air - but her changing just a little.
I mean she complained ferociously that I was allowed to put stuffing in to a Turkey (we made 2) for Thanksgiving, when it had never been done before in this family to her knowledge and she apparently asked to do it 16 years ago. (bear in mind no one will eat her cooking) She was yelling about it 2 days after the fact! Like a spoiled child who didn't get her way but someone else did. By the way, she likes stuffing cooked in the bird but she couldn't bring herself to enjoy it even though she ate it and didn't comment on whether or not she liked it. I mean REALLY.
I'm not giving up, but I know one thing for sure. If somehow someday I decide I made a big mistake by coming here and adopting this lifestyle, and I decide to leave, she will be the reason. I pray that doesn't happen.
Sorry if this post seems to be more of a rant. I need guidance from an experienced sister wife who has had similar experiences. I'm hoping I'm not alone.
I still believe in romance, I just think it's way more complicated in a plural marriage than I ever imagined and maybe it's best to have the romance come after becoming friends with the wives :)
At least that is what I have come to believe. Let me tell you why if I can..
I believe in romance. It concerns me when I hear about people who are in arranged marriages or marriages of convenience. Romantic love, I have always believed, is the heart and soul of a marriage. In some ways I still believe that but for a plural marriage it is the one thing through which difficulty arises, making sexual jealousy, compromise, sharing everything, children, legalities, housework, all pale.
Now I have truly come to believe that this is a situation best entered in to through the hearts of the women. When women in a marriage choose as best as they can, the new member of the family. Are you shocked at me? You see, I just can't bring myself to "love" #2 in a way that would make life easier around me. She annoys the hell out of me. Sorry. I've learned to get along with her. I even can tolerate her incessant talking more than before, and frankly I think she has come to respect that I can't LISTEN constantly. I rarely find a person I can't be friends with, but I have found one in her. I really am I swear, a pretty tolerant person. But this woman has so many character flaws, and immature qualities, that there is no way I would have ever chosen to spend this much time with her. I've probably said this all before but it bears repeating simply because I've also noted that there have been some improvements. The thing is, if you are going to live in the same house with someone who has NO OTHER LIFE, and they are totally dependent on you and hubby for conversation and entertainment, you best adore her company!
The thing is hubby DOES adore her company. He admits she annoys him. He'll admit she's a dingbat, matter of fact that is the family's nick name for her. He'll admit that she is childish and irresponsible. That she manipulates people into getting her own way even about simple things. But I can tell he enjoys her company, even though he doesn't enjoy her chatter. The reason is plain, she worships him. However, that is one of the qualities I find so annoying. I mean WORSHIP. She refuses to do anything but utter compliments and criticises me for having the nerve to occasionally say things like "dear, I don't think you want to do that" or "Honey, wouldn't it be better if we did this tomorrow." Or, when he asks for opinion, she always agrees with him even if in private she'll mutter disagreement to herself. YUCK.
He even knows she isn't sincere. I THINK. Everyone in the family seems to see it anyway. But there you have it. My reason I would never choose her for a sister wife, or agree to have her here if she wasn't already here before me. And honestly, I'm sad about it. For the first time in my life, I find myself wanting to pray for help about something that isn't tragic, just annoying on a constant basis. What am I praying for? Not her poofing into thin air - but her changing just a little.
I mean she complained ferociously that I was allowed to put stuffing in to a Turkey (we made 2) for Thanksgiving, when it had never been done before in this family to her knowledge and she apparently asked to do it 16 years ago. (bear in mind no one will eat her cooking) She was yelling about it 2 days after the fact! Like a spoiled child who didn't get her way but someone else did. By the way, she likes stuffing cooked in the bird but she couldn't bring herself to enjoy it even though she ate it and didn't comment on whether or not she liked it. I mean REALLY.
I'm not giving up, but I know one thing for sure. If somehow someday I decide I made a big mistake by coming here and adopting this lifestyle, and I decide to leave, she will be the reason. I pray that doesn't happen.
Sorry if this post seems to be more of a rant. I need guidance from an experienced sister wife who has had similar experiences. I'm hoping I'm not alone.
I still believe in romance, I just think it's way more complicated in a plural marriage than I ever imagined and maybe it's best to have the romance come after becoming friends with the wives :)
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Schedules...a necessary evil?
I am reprinting a post I wrote back in July. when the "schedule" we had was something like this..I had Mondays and Wednsdays, #2 had Thursday and Fridays, #1 had Tuesday and Saturdays and we alternated Sundays. The whole schedule concept was MY idea in the first place. Remember dear reader, basically I had moved in to a home that was reminiscent of a 1960's "hippy" bohemian lifestyle. As with anything new or different, it takes time to make the necessary adjustments..this post points that out!
Since writing that post, I suceeded in getting the schedule changed to an every third night type of schedule. Much, Much better :) HOWEVER, both hubby and #2 get confused or annoyed or upset, whenever anyone requests a switch or change of any kind. Jeesh! Frankly, I don't care. The schedule we are on now is much happier, and fairer! If you don't already know, the schedule means this in our house - if it's your day/night, and you are home, you supposedly get some quality alone time with hubby...a movie perhaps, just sitting talking, a shopping trip for groceries or sundries, maybe a dinner out or a lunch, watching a tv show, whatever floats your collective boat. You also sleep together that night. Bear in mind that in a family this size, if alone time wasn't scheduled it may never happen :)
I've Had it With The Damn Schedule! - July 25
Yes you read the title of topic of this post correctly. I've had it with the damn schedule. Not that it's going to change anytime in the next millenium but I'm going to make a valid attempt ... any day now.
See, the schedule was brought up by me. Validated by me. Now, I see the mistakes in it but I don't know that anyone else does. I finally had a screaming match with S the other night and boy oh boy did it feel GOOD. I'm not ashamed to say that either. She and I have been getting along better, some. I've been trying and she's been trying and maybe I've learned how to tune her out, some. However...... change is not something she takes to. I thought I had a problem with change! Compared to her I'm practically a chameleon. It may just be the one characteristic she and R have in common. The hatred of change.
T's dad was having surgery on Monday and on Monday and Tuesday (her night) she was staying at her parent's house about an hour away to help out. Wednsday is my night, when she would be returning. So I offered to switch with her so she wouldn't miss one of her days this week. Later on Tuesday when S came home from work I told her that T and I had worked it out this way and she was all well not upset but questioning it and didn't seem happy. Later that night when T called R and reminded him and told him about the switch he said he didn't know we had worked it out and wished we had informed him earlier. "Now S has to sleep alone two nights in a row, she's not going to be happy." Well. A "discussion"broke out between T, me and S wiht T on the phone. It wasn't pleasant. S kept saying how she wasn't "used" to sleeping alone two nights in a row, etc. I blew my top at her. R, wisely, stayed out of it.
My thinking now is to say the schedule stinks and needs to be revisited and instead of actual days of the week, have the schedule be every other night, or third night. And this way, no one always has Saturday or Friday night etc.
T agrees with me. But I fear she is the only one. No, I know she is the only one.
So, we shall see how long it takes me to convince S of the fairness of this new kind of schedule. Don't let's hold our breath.
Intellectually I still believe in a schedule, and emotionally too. It just isn't easy to stick to it all the time.
Since writing that post, I suceeded in getting the schedule changed to an every third night type of schedule. Much, Much better :) HOWEVER, both hubby and #2 get confused or annoyed or upset, whenever anyone requests a switch or change of any kind. Jeesh! Frankly, I don't care. The schedule we are on now is much happier, and fairer! If you don't already know, the schedule means this in our house - if it's your day/night, and you are home, you supposedly get some quality alone time with hubby...a movie perhaps, just sitting talking, a shopping trip for groceries or sundries, maybe a dinner out or a lunch, watching a tv show, whatever floats your collective boat. You also sleep together that night. Bear in mind that in a family this size, if alone time wasn't scheduled it may never happen :)
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Yesterday everyday
Yesterday was my birthday!
I have found celebrations in plural marriage to be somewhat complicated emotionally and logistically, but was pleasantly surprised yesterday.
NO ONE is better at birthdays than hubby. I would challenge anyone.
First, he let me sleep. The night before he came into my room very late to ask what my favorite meal was. I don't have one and he knows this but thought perhaps he had just missed it. lol...
I knew we didn't have the money to go out, so I told him to just make anything he thought I would like.
Then, after I awoke, he wouldn't let me tidy up as I usually do and even made a point of leaving me alone to write without interruption.
Near dinner, he made me a romantic, aromatic whirlpool bath complete with candles and soothing music.
Dinner was delicious as always and he went out of his way to try a couple of new dishes to make the dinner special. Also baked me a cake!
After dinner, hubby feeling disappointed that we didn't go to Mexico for my birthday as we had for the past few years, made some margarittas and sat outside with me for a couple of hours just enjoying the coolish evening.
Then, instead of 3 or 4 am, he came to bed early.
It was a lovely day.
It was the first day since coming here to live in April, that I have felt special and as close to him as I did during our courtship.
I have found celebrations in plural marriage to be somewhat complicated emotionally and logistically, but was pleasantly surprised yesterday.
NO ONE is better at birthdays than hubby. I would challenge anyone.
First, he let me sleep. The night before he came into my room very late to ask what my favorite meal was. I don't have one and he knows this but thought perhaps he had just missed it. lol...
I knew we didn't have the money to go out, so I told him to just make anything he thought I would like.
Then, after I awoke, he wouldn't let me tidy up as I usually do and even made a point of leaving me alone to write without interruption.
Near dinner, he made me a romantic, aromatic whirlpool bath complete with candles and soothing music.
Dinner was delicious as always and he went out of his way to try a couple of new dishes to make the dinner special. Also baked me a cake!
After dinner, hubby feeling disappointed that we didn't go to Mexico for my birthday as we had for the past few years, made some margarittas and sat outside with me for a couple of hours just enjoying the coolish evening.
Then, instead of 3 or 4 am, he came to bed early.
It was a lovely day.
It was the first day since coming here to live in April, that I have felt special and as close to him as I did during our courtship.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Sometimes my jealousies run petty
Sigh. This is hard to explain without sounding like a whining, foolish, and bitchy person. I have more or less gotten over the sexual jealousy part of plural marriage...I have. I think mostly because Hubby makes it easy.
Sexual jealousy is natural in my opinion. But eventually it passes. I had alot of time to get used to it, so that helped. In the beginning when I first started sleeping here during visits from back home, I would take a xanax before bedtime. I was sleeping alone because we didn't want the kids to get confused or feel awkward that we weren't married. So once for instance I visited for 10 days! By the end of the first 5 days I honestly had gotten over it. More or less.
No my dear blog friends, my jealousies tend to be more practical in nature, or more about affections (like the hair thing or back rubs), or they are about things I can't even explain. Then, when it comes right down to it, my jealousies can be petty and selfish. I'll admit it right here.
I've been living here for several months but during that time finances have been rough. Most of our combined incomes has gone for moving me here, #2's trip to her parent's 50th wedding anniversary out of state with Hubby and the oldest boy, and for bills, just bills. To be blunt it has stunk. So none of us has gone out much. #2 for her birthday alone with Hubby; all of us on occasional shopping trips for necessities; me once for a very very nice lunch - not fast food lol. We each have 2 nights with hubby every week with one person getting the extra in turn. Usually those evenings are spent either watching a movie or swimming in the backyard pool with everyone invited, or just talking or being in front of the computer together.
Last night, Hubby and I had been doing some reminescing about our past travels. We needed to go to Walmart for a couple of necessities. Out of the blue he said, "well I think you need to get out of the house. How about before Walmart we stop at a tavern and I'll teach you how to play pool like you have asked?" I said really, can we afford it? He responded that a beer or two and a couple of games of pool wouldn't break the bank. So we went. Leaving the house at 10 pm and returning by 12:30 I believe. Not long really, but it was so good to get out.
We also share an avid interest in politics, Hubby and I. We watched the Democratic Convention last week together for the most part with whichever other wife's night it was. So today I said, we have to remember to catch Sarah Palin's speech tonight. His response?
You can I'm taking #2 out.
I said really? Why? And she can watch too, it will only be for a short while. He said, I took you out last night. OK I get it. But petty as it is, I was hoping our hour and a half playing pool was special. sigh. Petty jealousy go away!!
See it turns out that while I was busy doing something else today and #2 was home on her day off she asked several times to be "taken out" the way I was last night, ok fair I suppose. Since we don't go out often Hubby just drove to the same place, same pool table and poor thing made sure he was home in the same amount of time. All of this put him in a grumpy mood over all tonight and I resent that. I truly feel badly that she is so insecure in their 16 year marriage, but I can't help but feel that petty jealous thing creep up on me. I just would like to be "special" in some way because I'm new. I want to feel in love with this man without worrying about "getting more attention" or any of that. It's not plural marriage I'm doubting, I'm doubting if I'm able to do it well.
Sexual jealousy is natural in my opinion. But eventually it passes. I had alot of time to get used to it, so that helped. In the beginning when I first started sleeping here during visits from back home, I would take a xanax before bedtime. I was sleeping alone because we didn't want the kids to get confused or feel awkward that we weren't married. So once for instance I visited for 10 days! By the end of the first 5 days I honestly had gotten over it. More or less.
No my dear blog friends, my jealousies tend to be more practical in nature, or more about affections (like the hair thing or back rubs), or they are about things I can't even explain. Then, when it comes right down to it, my jealousies can be petty and selfish. I'll admit it right here.
I've been living here for several months but during that time finances have been rough. Most of our combined incomes has gone for moving me here, #2's trip to her parent's 50th wedding anniversary out of state with Hubby and the oldest boy, and for bills, just bills. To be blunt it has stunk. So none of us has gone out much. #2 for her birthday alone with Hubby; all of us on occasional shopping trips for necessities; me once for a very very nice lunch - not fast food lol. We each have 2 nights with hubby every week with one person getting the extra in turn. Usually those evenings are spent either watching a movie or swimming in the backyard pool with everyone invited, or just talking or being in front of the computer together.
Last night, Hubby and I had been doing some reminescing about our past travels. We needed to go to Walmart for a couple of necessities. Out of the blue he said, "well I think you need to get out of the house. How about before Walmart we stop at a tavern and I'll teach you how to play pool like you have asked?" I said really, can we afford it? He responded that a beer or two and a couple of games of pool wouldn't break the bank. So we went. Leaving the house at 10 pm and returning by 12:30 I believe. Not long really, but it was so good to get out.
We also share an avid interest in politics, Hubby and I. We watched the Democratic Convention last week together for the most part with whichever other wife's night it was. So today I said, we have to remember to catch Sarah Palin's speech tonight. His response?
You can I'm taking #2 out.
I said really? Why? And she can watch too, it will only be for a short while. He said, I took you out last night. OK I get it. But petty as it is, I was hoping our hour and a half playing pool was special. sigh. Petty jealousy go away!!
See it turns out that while I was busy doing something else today and #2 was home on her day off she asked several times to be "taken out" the way I was last night, ok fair I suppose. Since we don't go out often Hubby just drove to the same place, same pool table and poor thing made sure he was home in the same amount of time. All of this put him in a grumpy mood over all tonight and I resent that. I truly feel badly that she is so insecure in their 16 year marriage, but I can't help but feel that petty jealous thing creep up on me. I just would like to be "special" in some way because I'm new. I want to feel in love with this man without worrying about "getting more attention" or any of that. It's not plural marriage I'm doubting, I'm doubting if I'm able to do it well.
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