Snowy Winter Blues

It's snowy and frigid here where I am making my new life. Sometimes I really miss the warm/hot climate where I lived in the plural family. Even if it got cold it never lasted long. I miss the heat. And I miss the little boy who stole my heart.

“If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever.” 

I said almost those exact words to him once. I am inside  your heart and you are inside mine. He would ask me to repeat it on occasion. I hope, I really, really hope, he remembers that. I hope they haven't contaminated his feelings for me. His brother was older by a few years and we weren't as close; his baby sister was not much more than newborn. He however was two years old and just learning to talk and do the things little boys do, when I moved there. He was and I'm sure is a sweetheart. I don't know why he loved me so, but he did, and his company kept me strong when I needed to be strong. He saved me from wallowing in my depression. He was my only joy during those days. One or two friends helped, but that little boy loved me, wrinkled and bald. And I am just so sorry I never said goodbye.

I am battling winter depression, this I know. But I think this year it's at it's worst. The weather isn't co-operating, and I'm spending a great deal of time alone and doing nothing. I'm not motivated to paint or write. I have a hard enough time starting a simple chore. I have my kids and my grandkids and my sisters; but I don't have one friend that lives nearby. No one to laugh with, have some wine and watch a stupid television show with. No one to shop with, or complain to. I babysit. That is what I do now. Then I go home or send them home, and collapse.

They are my joy now, my beautiful grandchildren. That should be enough I know. But I worry about them, for them and pray they will be fine. They love me and look forward to seeing me. They greet me with open arms and kisses. But I can't fully enjoy it because I am so worried about them. And I'm so depressed about just about everything.  I hope I will be in their hearts forever, because they will be in mine.

I wish I could snap out of this.

Maybe when the sun comes out and melts the snow.

Summer Musings

I am not going to complain today! That is my new mantra. I hope it helps.

My little garden~ Outside my kitchen door I have use of a small part of the yard. There is a small, very small, little slate area and then grass. The landlord said I could do whatever I want back there. So..I made a pot garden! lol Pots with plants on either side of the door. I have lavender, Italian parsley, chives, rosemary and mint on one side. On the other just 2 tomato plants and 1 eggplant. I fret over them every day and water when necessary. No weeding!!! That is the plus side to a pot garden. The downside is ...the plants don't get to big. One tomato plant has just 3 tomatos growing on it, the other has 7! And of course I have no clue as to why one is doing so much better than the other..it's almost like having children.

The beach! ~ I go to the ocean at least once a week. The bay area not so much which is odd because it's easier to get to...I don't know what I would do without the beach.

I have two sisters who haven't spoken in a while because of some rift which they aren't sure they remember. Last weekend I managed to get them together..yay me.

I see my grandchildren almost every day these days. It's lovely.

Years ago I started a Gratitude Journal. It may be something I try again. Haven't had time for painting because of the little ones, but I might be able to start some freelance web writing again. We shall see.

Happy Summer!

Dream Ended

My journey in plural marriage is done. Foolishly I thought being away would perhaps spark the old feelings and rescue what was left of my part in the marriage...I was wrong.

The youngest boy kept me there...actually, I do believe he kept me alive during the worst of fighting breast cancer and during the worst of the marriage. I had known him since he was barely two years old and I could see my influence on him. Unlike his father and older brother, he is a social being. Dropping him off or picking him up from preschool was a joy. But I digress. Truth is, the youngest grandson in that house, also aided me in my decision to never return. I don't want to hurt him or his siblings by coming and going and coming and going. I hope someday someone will explain that to them.

I feel relief. Sadness. Frustration. Some Anger, mostly at myself. I was surprised there has been no grieving on my part for relationships lost, a marriage gone. Then I realized that I had grieved for that long ago. I have never experienced as much heartbreak as I felt when I was there. I'm a person that cherishes alone time, but I grew to feeling so alone. More than being alone, I was always even in the midst of all the many people who were in and out of that house ... just alone.

There will be no contact with what had become my other family. No phone calls, emails, Christmas cards. I am sorry for any hurt I have caused. So sorry that the dream ended. The hopes I had for a new, better life; for love and happiness and fun have been gone for quite a while. Truth is only the young children missed me all this time I've been gone. I try to remember the good times, but it's a stretch because they are long ago. Unfortunately they are replaced by memories of deception and pain, as though I had been emotionally raped and stripped of everything I ever held dear; especially a lifetime of working on my self-esteem. Financially I have gone from sailing on a ship to far away places to being strapped and stressed beyond my wildest dreams.

So, while I may not disapprove of the plural lifestyle, for me the journey has ended. the dream has vanished. And I am, I hope, alone in a good way.

Good news and conflicts I think about constantly

Some good news...I am painting again. Completed two new paintings and gave them away. I wasn't very thrilled about them because they were in a new medium for me, acrylics, but the people I gave them to liked them so voila, instant gift! D asked to see some of my work, as soon as I can figure that out I will share. Some not so good not so sure news...I still don't know when I will be returning to Hubby's house. It's a huge distance and I do miss the family, but not all the confusion to be honest. I find I miss Hubby's friendship and companionship, oddly enough most often when I am watching tv alone at night. I miss the grandchildren tremendously. My conflicts are too many and too confusing to list here in full but I know for certain what some of them are. My biological family. They really don't want me to go back except to pick up my things, which would be an enormous project. And very, very emotional. As I get older conflict is not something I look forward to. But I do miss some of my things, particularly books and photographs. I have become very attached to the grandchildren here. At the point at which I left our finances were strained in that we were all living pay check to pay check, and not always so well. I brought half my income here so that I can exist, but I find more and more that it isn't enough. Easy solution would be to go back, a much more difficult would be to take more money from the family pot. In a way I'm not sure that's fair to them since they are going through some major financial problems at the moment. #2 lost her job and hasn't found a new one! The eldest son needs surgery and can't go back to work until that is finished and he goes through rehab. The conflict? One of my sons is out of work, the one with a family. It is super expensive to live here. I feel, perhaps irrationally, very torn up inside about all this. Another problem that has multiple facets to it is the state of our marriage....see? I could go on and on.... More good news is that the coldest of the weather seems to be gone. Spring, my second favorite season, is here! I haven't started keeping a daily journal again...I don't know why. And I haven't gone back to writing for the website I used to write for, again, not sure why that is. I wish some of my favorites like NTPW/H and Older/Wiser would start blogging again, I miss reading them. And BC, you should really start a blog!

Christmas and New Years

I've always had a hot and cold relationship with the Holidays. As a child I used to throw up every Christmas Eve...I guess the excitement. As a teenager and college student New Year's Eve was always a time of angst for me. I wasn't allowed to go out with friends or even to a house party. I was expected to stay home with the family. We had a party at home and it wasn't all misery but it usually had me either embarrassed or angry or resentful. My parent's home always looked so beautiful for Christmas. I always found it odd that once we all moved and especially after my Dad passed, she didn't fuss about Christmas at all.

As an adult, and a parent Christmas was a huge amount of work, but fun non-the-less. A shopper I'm not. Shopping to me is a headache, a chore tolerated for the children's sake. I did always enjoy decorating the tree and collected ornaments that hold a great deal of sentimental value. All of them are at hubby's house. I love driving around and looking at all the outdoor decorations. Always sad when their time is up and the outdoors goes back to looking bleak.

In my plural family, hubby makes a huge deal over Christmas, decorating to the nines, shopping, cooking, the works. I have to admit he does a great job. We all help where we can but he's definitely in charge of it. I always found that to be somewhat of a relief, no pressure put on me to make the perfect Christmas. The only challenge was getting used to new traditions and trying to blend my taste with my sister wive's tastes.

Here where I am, I'm just Grandma. Not in charge of anything and that's ok. Not great but ok. I have a little fake tree that I bought some cheap ornaments for, and my sister will make a nice Christmas for all of us I'm sure. New Year's Eve I will probably be alone or with one of my boys. Very low key.

I'm beginning to understand my mother more and more. I miss her.

In case I don't blog before the holiday gets here, I hope you all have a good one filled with love.

Sons

Well, if you don't already know, I moved from Hubby's home more than 1600 miles to my sister's home to be closer to my kids, particularly the youngest who is ill, needs my help and who has given me the most amazing grandchildren.

My boys (young men) and I are pretty close considering their gender. However, it's not the same as the daughter/mother thing I see with my sisters who have daughters. So although I am the babysitter on call at any moment, and although my first born moved here as well, I still spend a great deal of time alone. It's frustrating at times. Not to mention that because of his illness, and because of his "marriage" he truly does need me to help him with some things...but he is resisting, based on the fact that he is an "adult."

I was both mother and father to them growing up as they aren't close to their dad at all. I feel badly about that. I see how close Hubby's sons are to him, and how much they enjoy each other's company and realize my kids have never had that with their dad.

I was the one who drove them to soccer practice, attended all their games, took them to their first major league baseball games, and listened to their woes about girls. But I don't think it's the same as having a dad do those kind of things. Their father took them camping, fishing and snowmobiling..he tried. Oddly though these aren't things they do as adults.

Anyway, sons are just different than daughters and sometimes I feel as though I'm in the way. They really don't seem to notice that mom is sitting in front of the tv for 3 days and at this point in their lives I'm not all that much fun, I guess. They have their lives to live. I never want to be the mother that meddles or inserts herself into things that aren't her business.

Am I feeling wistful and a little lonely? Yes. Do I want to have a pity party? No. It just is what it is.

None of this was forefront in my mind when I was caught up in falling in love, moving and changing my whole life. Which only makes me feel badly that I wasn't there for them for a few years. It also makes me miss the chaos that is back in Hubby's home. But notice, if you will, that I said Hubby's home.

Wake Up Thoughts

When I was at my worst phases of insomnia (hard to say, probably during menopause), I would lie awake most of the night unable to turn the "movie" off in my head. Those thoughts that keep going around and around inside your head - replays of the day; little aggravating thoughts about all kinds of things, not always so little; serious thoughts about finances, children, relationships - of course you know what I'm talking about. Those thoughts turn the hands on the clock from midnight to 4 am very quickly and can be quite troublesome. But I think I have topped them with my WAKE UP thoughts.

I'm not sure when these wake up thoughts first became problematic. All I know is they can be quite unsettling. These thoughts don't appear every morning and there is no way to prepare for them or to stop them.

Occasionally they are little sad thoughts. When hubby and I lived so very many miles away from each other, sometimes toward the middle of the time between our visits I would sometimes wake up and just as my eyes were opening, I would think of him and think "I miss him." Almost out loud.

When I was recuperating from my mastectomy, I would wake up angry! The thought - I'm so ANGRY- would literally form on my lips. It seems anger is a recurring theme in my "wake up thoughts." It can be about anything. It sometimes used to be about #2 and her possessiveness. Other times angry thoughts would emerge at dawn about something hubby had said or done that I found particularly upsetting. Occasionally, the thought would be about something sad, annoying, or almost trivial. Whatever the thoughts are about they have an urgency. They rouse me when usually I am difficult to awake.

The other day, I woke up and as clear as a bell my first thoughts were how I missed the 5 year old grandson I left behind. For some reason this startled me. I think I know why I had that wake up thought. That little boy was a constant source of affection for me. He hugged and hugged me, especially when no one else did. The human touch is so necessary. It is the sugar of life. When my father died for years I recall my mother saying: "I just want someone to touch me." This was disturbing to me because I know I hugged her on occasion, or took her arm crossing the street and so forth. I used to have a problem with being touched. I have an instinct to pull away. But that little boys hugs were more than welcome. They were the medicine I needed. And now I miss them.

Love and Romance and Family

I would like to recommend to new readers that they read the posts listed under "romance" especially, Love, romance and how I got here and Yesterday, everyday. I want you to know that my relationship with hubby wasn't always so sour. It was rooted in romance and an amazing love and respect for each other. Also, I knew about his being a polygamist before we ever met, actually from our first conversation, so know I walked in to this with my eyes open, a spring in my step and a smile on my face.

As I think upon what possibly has gone wrong, more and more I think most, if not all, of it has to do with me missing my family. Have there been problems, especially with #2, yes. But 1600 plus miles is a long way to move even when your children are grown...unless you are like a friend of mine who has the money to travel back and forth for every occasion and then some. I just missed them a whole lot but even more than that they missed me. I could suffer leaving my career, and friends behind, but there has been a deep emptiness from missing my kids.

I am a firm believer in the theory that couples need to put their relationship as the primary relationship and their children as second. However in reality I'm not sure that always works. My children, I thought, would perhaps move to where I was someday. But as time went on it became clear that wasn't going to happen ... and why should it? Where I was may as well have been a different country, another world. I went away seeking a happier life. Somehow, without my telling them they seem to have sensed I wasn't totally happier. But I also think after my cancer operation and treatment, when they saw me with almost no hair, looking so much older...I think they started to speak their minds about wanting me closer to them. Truth is, I really wanted to get to know my natural born grandchildren as well.

I remember when I was feeling so sick how I longed for more hugs, more empathy. Selfish I know. But it started, I think, the feeling of being lonely for my kids and I missed them more and more.

Anyway, read that section if you haven't already. I just did and it made me smile :) Hopes were so high at that time. Love was in the air. And in some ways I felt better than I ever had.

I doubt I will ever find that degree of romance again. Long courtships are wonderful and that's what we had.

Arrived

I'm here. Away from hubby, the wives, kids and grandkids, and with my "other" family. It's better in some ways for me and in some ways it's not. It is what it is. It's been a couple of weeks now and still no routine, I still feel like a visitor and I am.

Honestly, the worst part is the grandkid. I miss the ones I left behind, very much. Young children aren't great telephone talkers. The new ones go on with their lives just with a new person in it. Me. Frankly, they don't know me.

I crave the beach. I am a fish out of water. No one has time to go with me.. I'm sad to see summer ending.

On the positive side, right now I have my own bathroom!!!! :) That is no small thing when you've been sharing with so many people for what seems like an eternity!!!

Grandchildren

When I was young I had a hard enough time picturing myself as a mother let alone a grandmother but now here I am, the proud grandma to 6+. I have 3 grown grandkids that I was never that close to. Three "step" grandkids here and three back home. All of those last six are quite young. Notice I put the word step in quotations. Fact is they feel biological to me. I love all my grandchildren to death. They are awesome.

Out of necessity I am going back home for a while. The truth is, on top of all the other matters I am dealing with - the frustrations, disappointment, and so forth, I also feel it's necessary for me to get to know my biological grandchildren much better than I do. I feel a certain amount of guilt for showering so much love and attention on the children here, and so much less of all that on my "own." Is that normal? I think it is. I've practically raised the last two here. I diaper, feed, comfort and take to school. I play, spoil and in general enjoy their company and they mine. It's become almost 24/7 but that is another story for another day. All I know is I don't want them to think I'm leaving them forever. I want, no matter what to be some part of their lives. I feel very close to them, even though I am not related to them in the strictest sense of the word. And I certainly didn't raise their parents.

This has depressed me lately. The feeling I may be forgotten by them. At the same time I yearn to be this close to the other grandchildren.

One would think by this ripe old age things would be worked out and smooth sailing.

Mother's Day Reflections

I think this is my first Mother's Day here..last year I was with my new grandbaby. It was nice. Hubby bought us each a dozen roses and cooked a good meal for us. I got to sleep very late this morning. The sixteen yr old bought me Arby's for lunch! My boys sent flowers and the littles here gave us all cards. A nice day, truthfully nicer than it would have been in my old life. Somehow my ex skewed Mother's Day but I don't remember how.

I never really had a craving to be a mom until I was about 30 years old then it hit me big time. It's a really rough and tough job though and I don't recommend it for everyone. All the jokes you hear about being a mother are dead on true. I never dreamt I would ever take on the task of being a stepmother too! Raising a teenager again is my worst nightmare!!! But here I am. The good part is that it's not just me. The real mom and older step mom are here and Hubby is a very attentive and participating dad. I've honestly never seen a dad that is more liked by his kids than hubby. He is each of his kids favorite person.

Motherhood in polygamy for me is a trip! It's both easier and more difficult. If I were a kid I wouldn't want three moms in the same house.......sometimes I have the feeling they feel that way here and I don't blame them. But I love them. The truth is that loving them is part of loving hubby.

I wish my own kids knew more about my living situation. I know the oldest worries about me. The younger one is just glad I'm happy. But neither knows the truth of my situation and that pains me. In every other way we are close. We always were even closer than many moms and sons...their father called us a conspiracy of three, he envied my relationship with them. It's a pity because sons really need to be close to their dads. When I was in therapy, I was told that a good portion of my sons problems were due to the fact that after they reached puberty (that weird time between 11 and 13) their relationship with their father waned. It did. I couldn't stop that from happening and I regret it.

With the boys here I am more friend I think than mom. I have an active role in disciplining them but I am much stricter than their biological mom and dad are. Because of that I tend to back away from the discipline role because I learned as soon as I got here that it was a waste of my time. A kid is formed very young.

I wonder what kind of relationship other plural moms have with the children in the family. Most bloggers seem to focus on the adults and their feelings. I would love to hear other's stories on this topic.

Easter Here and There

The first Easter here. Actually, I was here last Easter but I think I was still shell shocked because it doesn't stand out in my mind as a holiday. This year though, I went with hubby to get the candy etc for the grandchildren's baskets. And we planned a meal. I shipped a package off to my family. Now, I find out accidently I think that Easter has never been a huge deal here. Church for the babies and #2, a nice meal, easter egg dying and baskets, but #2 doesn't think of it as a special holiday just a religious one. So a thought popped into my head, I mentioned it and Hubby declared me in charge of next year's Easter. Yet another cultural difference we all have.

Some of the family dynamics here are starting to annoy me in an odd way. Let me explain. I love my children and I would do anything for them within reason and ability. I miss them dearly. But they are grown, well they should be and mostly are. In this family even the grown children are still very much in our care. For instance, we do the Easter Baskets for the grandbabies, not their parents. They dye the eggs here with their mother. They all eat with us. We babysit daily sometimes for hours if their work schedules conflict or "we're going to the store" and other things like that. I don't get it. When I was in my twenties my parents were lucky to see me once a week. Living under their thumbs was never an option. When I had young children I had to ask for my mother to babysit which she would do for short time frames. I'm not angry about the cultural difference, but like I said, it is annoying to me sometimes.

But tomorrow/this morning, will be a fun day! Hubby's rule #1 for holidays: no fighting, bickering, punishing, pouting, or conflict. The meal will be delicious and the young children will be fun. If I had stayed in my former life I would have been going to a friend's home for a meal, or perhaps made brunch for my oldest child and whoever he dragged with him. Taken a nap and watched tv. This year there will be an Easter Egg Hunt, chocolate and a big homecooked meal. Lots of chaois and laughter and hugs all around. Next year I will add pastry for dessert, lamb instead of ham or turkey, Easter Pie and a few other traditions.

I just realized that not once in this post did I mention polygamy, jealousy or compromise. :)

Anniversary

Our hubby has not one, two or three anniversaries to remember but 4! We have our individual anniversary - #1 their original wedding day. #2 I think it's the day they commerate her joining the family. #3 (me) The day we met. #4!!! The day I officially joined the family and we had a collective ceremony. The other day was my personal anniversary. And it was lovely!

Hubby surprised me with breakfast in bed, then we went out for a very extravagent and wonderful dinner in a romantic spot. When we got home, we had cake with the grandkids and kids and sister wives. He also had flowers delivered to our home.

He is very good at special days. I'm not. :( I always seem to botch them in some way and never really know what to do, if a gift is appropriate or all that.

Yes, yes, there were moments that tugged me back to the realities...you can guess what they were, I don't want to spoil my mood. But it really was a lovely day and it happened to fall on my usual day so there wasn't any switching around or anything. thankfully because it's always a hassle when we do that.

Other good news:
#2 if finally back to work - she was laid off for two whole weeks!
I seem to be getting along with the teenagers somewhat better!
I've been here 11 months and I think the worst of the adjustment period is over!

Interesting note:
The 16 yr old son woke me up during a nap before dinner on my anniversary night with a startling question: "Do you think it's right for Dad to kiss #2 on your Anniversary day?" wow
THAT was out of the blue. I think I said something like well that depends why? And he said something like, well I don't. And he walked out of my room!! Turns out he also confronted his dad with that question!!!
Hubby tried to explain to him that he would never reject affection from his wives and that there was nothing wrong with an affectionate kiss on anyone's day. I explained to hubby that probably the question arose because #2 is KISSY very frequently and it amuses us all to an extent and it also is odd given the length of their relationship...of course he responded that we all hug him or vice versa any day but that #2 was just expressing her insecurities on my special day as per usual and I didn't seem so upset about it, why should it upset his son? hmmmm

Yet another challenge..

The new year has brought us another challenge!
For about 15 months the oldest son here and his wife plus two kids have lived in a house behind ours. The house I originally purchased for myself.
They are very young and don't manage their finances well, and over the holidays let their utility payments go, you can guess that result!
So they have moved in here for a week until things get taken care of...let's hope it's a week.

As it is I babysit anywhere from 3-6 days a week while they are working if they have a schedule conflict. I am crazy about those children so it's not much of a burden usually. However..now with this new situation they are ALL sleeping here and here 24/7 - its' the weekend so they are off.
OMG, there are 10 of us in this one house at the moment!

In cases like this (emergencies) I tend to go with the flow and just raise up my hands and give in to it....but you have NOOOOO idea how messy these young people are! And how tight it is in the house. Under ordinary circumstances they are here a lot anyway, but now they don't leave at 7 or 8 pm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The living room is totally taken up by their MESS. It's hard on them I'm sure, but it is really a test for us.

#2 is particularly cranky lately...more on that another time.
#1 is getting cranky which is unusual for her.
Hubby has conceded that his privacy and living room time are severely compromised!!!
and I am trying to stay out of the way!

So here I sit in front of the computer...it's no more private in here...remember it's the weekend, and the teenager isn't in school and had the audacity to invite a friend for the weekend! oh my friends that is another topic...how I differ from everyone else in child rearing/teenager dealing!

People wonder what I get from blogging?

Kids Growing Up

Our youngest son is sixteen. The age when boys are perhaps at their most sexually curious, if not active. He told me the other day that the first time he saw his father kiss me he felt uncomfortable. It made me a little sad. He has never lived in anything but a plural family. When he was born, #2 was already here, and she had a big part in helping to raise him. I'm hoping his uncomforableness stems from the lengthy period of time between #2 and then my arrival. He has a girlfriend now and since having one he has become more open and communicative. I think the young lady asks questions about our lifestyle. She's a sweet girl.

None of hubby's sons (the only children who live here) are at all interested in living in polygamy. They don't "judge" it they just say it's not for them. I wonder if this is really so or if it is because our family's lifestyle isn't based on religious belief or salvation. As far as I know the married son has no desire for another wife, and she has out and out said she wouldn't want to share him. The middle son accepts our lifestyle but openly says he thinks it's "weird". When pushed to explain, he says things like: Why would anyone want that? In other words, no concrete answer. The young man with the new girlfriend says things like he just can't imagine loving more than one person.

So why do they reject how we live? This is something that weighs on hubby's mind. I think he worries that somehow they have been unhappy with his and his first wife's decision to have a plural marriage. Do we seem unhappy to them? I highly doubt that. To be honest, I think the two biggest negatives are the "out of the norm" way of life, and main streamed kids don't like to be different from their friends. The other negative would be lack of privacy. It is almost physically impossible to have secrets (not that I want any) and it seems as though everyone knows when Dad sleeps with who. I've mentioned bathrooms before and it sounds petty but it seriously isn't when you are a teenager, or even a middle aged woman like myself. A bigger house might help.

I think those two so called problems are even worse than the friendship issue. By the way, the poll indicated an even split among folks who voted. So the question of whether or not one can have a "normal" social life is still a big question.

But back to the kids. I believe I mentioned that they don't keep this secret for us. That indicates that they aren't embarassed or ashamed. But they still seem to reject the lifestyle for themselves. I think more pragmatically. I think how lucky they have been to always have a parent figure at home. In the past, the three adults more or less took turns depending on various things, either working from home or not going to work so someone would be here for the kids. That was a financial sacrifice. I think, they are very fortunate now to have built in babysitting for their young children, and a lovely home that we collectively bought so they could live nearby. Things like that. The neighbors tolerate us and have at times been friendly. The people next door over the years have invited this family to special gatherings in their home. There has really been no ostracism, in the neighborhood or at school. Hubby's extended family is warm and welcoming to all of us and they live nearby.

There are other practical matters that are positive too. For instance tonight Hubby wanted to watch a movie I had no inclination or desire to watch. But hey, not my night! lol :) Stupid things like I don't have to watch any Science Fiction or Star Wars stuff. I only have to cook every other night! Someone else makes sure the bills are all paid. It's really nice that I don't have to worry about that.

So what do you think the kids are rejecting?

Missing things...a trip

I miss my kids. I miss my old friends. And I even miss parts of my old single life, especially my solitude in the morning. All of that is normal. I've only actually lived in my new home for 5 months.

Being a step parent is rewarding on the one hand but not the same at all as being a parent. I don't care how much you love them, like them or they you.

I've known these new kids of mine for quite a while. I'm not new to them, I'm just new to their home. Parenting is such a difficult issue. Such a difficult job. I'm not so sure I did such a great job with my own birth children to be honest. They are good people. So in that I was successful. Their love lives are a mess, which I blame on their not having a good model growing up. They have soft hearts. They aren't greedy or spoiled, not now anyway. But I'm sure growing up they had some excess material possessions even though we tried not to overdo it. I wasn't a great disciplinarian but I wasn't totally easy either. They got grounded, privileges taken away when necessary. Sent to their rooms and spanked on occasion. I don't believe in corporal punishment but it happens especially when a young child does something dangerous in disobedience.

In this house I live in, I had no input into how the kids were raised. It's an odd feeling. I think because of this, their is a lack of connection. So when one of the teenage boys said recently that he would take care of any of his moms if we were sick, I felt good about that.

It's a different thing, this non birth mother love especially when it's so new. It's like a friendship and yet it's not. It's like a mom feeling and yet it's not. For some reason Hubby calls on me to support him in his discipline of his kids. The other two moms not as much. It's something about one of them being too easy and the other one being too stern. It's not a great position to be in but in a way it has helped blend us faster than not.

I'm going to see my kid and some other family for 7 nights! It makes me both happy and sad. I miss my kids...I said that before. But I will miss these kids here too and really, really miss the grandkids.

I will miss Hubby. I will talk to him several times a day I"m sure and I will talk to #1 once a day or two. Last time I was gone, I didn't really talk to #2 and don't expect to this time. Yesterday I felt close to her as if our friendship and sister feelings were finally happening. Tonight, I just want to grrrrrr...nothing big, just very very annoyed. I wonder if we will ever adjust to each other completely.

I was hoping that because I'm going to be away for 6 nights and they each were getting an extra night during that time, that one of them would have thought to offer me tomorrow and the next (my last night home)...nope, not. Sigh. Hubby says I wouldn't either but I would like to think I would. He says the jealousies between me and #2 would never allow it. I would like to think that I wouldn't let that stop me from being a generous, good person.

But, I miss my kids and I'm going to get to see at least one of them and I'm not going to let negativity spoil the happy feeling I have inside :) And I will miss my family here, the toddler hugs and kisses, the highschooler with the new girlfriend, the not having to cook except when hubby doesn't, lots of things...... but I'll be coming back very soon.