Snowy Winter Blues

It's snowy and frigid here where I am making my new life. Sometimes I really miss the warm/hot climate where I lived in the plural family. Even if it got cold it never lasted long. I miss the heat. And I miss the little boy who stole my heart.

“If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever.” 

I said almost those exact words to him once. I am inside  your heart and you are inside mine. He would ask me to repeat it on occasion. I hope, I really, really hope, he remembers that. I hope they haven't contaminated his feelings for me. His brother was older by a few years and we weren't as close; his baby sister was not much more than newborn. He however was two years old and just learning to talk and do the things little boys do, when I moved there. He was and I'm sure is a sweetheart. I don't know why he loved me so, but he did, and his company kept me strong when I needed to be strong. He saved me from wallowing in my depression. He was my only joy during those days. One or two friends helped, but that little boy loved me, wrinkled and bald. And I am just so sorry I never said goodbye.

I am battling winter depression, this I know. But I think this year it's at it's worst. The weather isn't co-operating, and I'm spending a great deal of time alone and doing nothing. I'm not motivated to paint or write. I have a hard enough time starting a simple chore. I have my kids and my grandkids and my sisters; but I don't have one friend that lives nearby. No one to laugh with, have some wine and watch a stupid television show with. No one to shop with, or complain to. I babysit. That is what I do now. Then I go home or send them home, and collapse.

They are my joy now, my beautiful grandchildren. That should be enough I know. But I worry about them, for them and pray they will be fine. They love me and look forward to seeing me. They greet me with open arms and kisses. But I can't fully enjoy it because I am so worried about them. And I'm so depressed about just about everything.  I hope I will be in their hearts forever, because they will be in mine.

I wish I could snap out of this.

Maybe when the sun comes out and melts the snow.

The Reason for The Season

Every year it seems the debate over "Merry Christmas" seems to grow and grow. Do we say Merry Christmas to everyone? Should Merry Christmas be written or said in various situations. Doesn't Happy Holidays make so much more sense? After all not everyone celebrates Christmas. .... and so on and so forth.

When I used to send many Christmas cards I made a point of having a "Merry Christmas" one for some; a religious one for others, like an angel, or baby Jesus, or the Wise Men; and a generic Happy Holidays for those who were Jewish or didn't celebrate Christmas for whatever reason. Ridiculous you say. I agree, now. Merry Christmas was always my favorite; the religious card I felt was a good reminder of the reason for the season; and the Holiday card made me feel better, somehow. Again, silly and ridiculous.

The point I want to make is, Happy Hannuka is fine with me. I don't celebrate that holiday, but I am aware of it and have no problem with children being taught about Hannukah in school. The same goes for Kwanza. But everyone except the most religious Christians seem to have a problem with children being taught about Christmas. Let's put snowmen around the school walls and so forth and call it a day. Let's not.

Town Squares may have a Christmas tree and a Mennorah and Kwanza candles now-a-days. However, put out a creche and watch the rumble. Seriously? This offends you? You're ridiculous. I am the biggest believer in separation of Church and State but reminding folks that this is a religious holiday for some does not offend me in the slightest.

There are all kinds of reasons to revel in the saying of Merry Christmas. There are very few, and mostly narrow minded reasons to ban it.

Growing  up in suburban New York City, none of this was an issue; but then slowly things changed. Also growing up where I did and raising my family there, I have always been surrounded by people of all faiths and races. Do you go out of your way to say Merry Christmas to a co-worker who you know full well does not celebrate the holiday? No. If that person happened to be Jewish a Happy Hannuka works during that time. Matter of fact some of the best Christmas decorations could be found in the homes and offices of my Jewish co-workers and friends. Any excuse would do:  an inter faith marriage being only one of those.

You see, the reason for this season is not just the birth of Christ, or commemorating the rededication of the Holy Temple (the Second Temple) in Jerusalem at the time of the Maccabean Revolt against the Seleucid Empire, nor the honoring of the African American culture; and not the annual observance of Ramadan. The real reason for the season in love. 

So I wish all of you a very Happy, Merry, and Holy!

Vanity, where are my teeth?

Did I mention my tooth loss issue? I really don't even like talking about it because it makes me feel stupid and a bunch of other things including angry.

I never liked dentists. Sorry. Just never did. But I've had extensive work done over the years. Lots of crowns and so forth. Right before I started on that journey of mine I had several root canals and crowns. I spent a ton of money. You could probably say that most of my teeth had root canals etc. And my teeth looked pretty good. This was necessary because I had been avoiding the dentist after having kids.

A year after moving across the country, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Bi-lateral breast cancer stage 2 to be precise. After a double mastectomy I had chemo, a reconstruction, and then started a therapy of after meds. That medicine it turns out is very hard on some people. Everyone, a little different.  I was avoiding the dentist again.

I started losing my teeth! Well the first one you couldn't see really. But as time went on another, then another. Turns out I wasn't losing my teeth I was losing crowns because the bone and the part of tooth that holds the crown was becoming bad. This is a rare side effect of the medication. A more common one is hair thinning. After a couple of years that happened too. :(  They say that will reverse when medication stops (I have another year and several months to go).  But back to my teeth.

After moving again I vowed to find a dentist I could tolerate. I finally did, and voila~ I am now the proud owner of dentures (uppers to be precise). Yuck. However this wasn't an easy process. It required extensive oral surgery, done in a hospital because of my lymphedema in both arms.

Yes, there are wonderful things in the world of medicine that save many lives afflicted by cancer. The down side is you will never be the same and the treatment takes its toll. The upside is you are ALIVE. So I'm not complaining here. But jeesh, my teeth? I never would have thought this would happen. It was a traumatic experience and I'm ashamed to say that it turns out I am a very vain person apparently. But I am alive. :)

I am trying out Gray/Grey

I wish the color gray/grey didn't have two spellings because I can never decide which to use and don't know if there is a difference. At any rate, I seem to be trying out gray hair. Sigh. I've been coloring my hair since I noticed that the little bit of gray I had wasn't so little anymore. Yes, a long time. I've bleached it; highlighted it; covered it; and since moving in with my former hubby basically just colored it to cover the gray and lighten it a bit. I loved being blond so I try to move in that direction.

Why did I stop highlights etc you ask? Well dear friends who are interested in polygamy, my sisterwives at the time didn't have as much income as I had and could not afford to go to a stylist on a regular basis. I was encouraged to do as they did and make do with inexpensive home coloring. What can I say? I'm a jerk sometimes.

Anyway, my sister has been helping me color it now that I'm truly poor; and she's been doing a good job. But she's very busy; works two jobs and is newly married. I always feel like I'm imposing. So now I'm overdue. Very overdue, as in a couple of inches of gray blending in to the dull blondish rest of the head..Everytime I think about going to the store to buy color something stops me. I don't know what.

I've always looked younger than my age. I've seen photos of myself at 45, 50 and so forth and it's true. I always looked at least 5-10 years younger. Then I got sick. Before long, I started looking my age except for the lack of gray hair.

So there you have it. I'm old. We all get old I just didn't think it would happen to me so quickly. My how time flies....and not just when you are having fun.

Something tells me I will give this up, this trying to be gray thing, because gray seems to look best on women who wear a lot of makeup. I don't have the energy nor inclination for that I'm afraid. We'll see.

Oh, did I mention that boob I was in a plural marriage with keeps trying to contact me? I'll leave that for another post.

The rest of the year.........

Summer's almost over. That bothers me, I never feel that it's long enough - like a kid who doesn't want to go back to school, I mourn the end of summer. There are a few things I like about autumn/fall. The leaves turning beautiful colors. Crisp but not totally cold air. The smell of a school all cleaned up, polished and ready for its students. Indian summer....when and if we have one. That's about it. Otherwise, you can keep it.

Keep Halloween please; as well as that other fall holiday, Thanksgiving. Halloween because after the kids in your life are 9 years old it's just a bother. Make that 7. Thanksgiving because while I love the food spread associated with it. What's the point really? No one that I know has ever been truly thankful. They just say they are. And then there's the fact that fall leads to winter very rapidly. Humbug.

The madness of Christmas. The cold, frigid temperatures. The SNOW! The ice. Black ice. Gray unsightly days. The dreaded month of February. When I was raising children I always wondered why, oh why, give the kids a whole week off from school when it's miserable outside? Oh yeah, you can take them skiing; or if you really want to blow money you can drag them away from the bad weather to some paradise island. Fun? Maybe if you're lucky. But If I'm going to paradise young children are not who I want to bring with me. Much as I love my grandkids I am pretty sure I don't want to take them either. Tweens and teens? Good gracious, I'm not that crazy. Staying home and being miserable until spring actually sounds better.

Easter. The holiest holiday in the Christian calendar, has always been iffy for me. Honestly. Even when as a youngster, while I enjoyed the dressing up in new Easter outfits, and the family dinner with cousins and aunts and uncles, the purpose of this holiday always was a blur for me. More so than Christmas even. Is it a holy day? Are we meditating on the death and resurection of Christ; or has the Easter bunny left me enough chocolate to last a lifetime? At various stages of my life I immersed myself in to the holy part of it. Holy Thursday; Good Friday visiting what seemed like a kazillion churches with my mother; Holy Saturday Easter Vigil; and the the Easter Bunny, the bonnet, the shiny shoes, chocolate and ham. All mixed together like a hodgepodge of life. Serious yet festive. Borderline morose and the silliness of hunting for plastic Easter eggs. Just a strange holiday if you ask me. And god forbid it rains and all that festivity is spoiled. The truly one thing nice about spring is it's not cold anymore and the flowers start to bloom. That's it. Oh, and summer is on its way.

Beloved summer. Warm, hot, sticky, lazy summer. The smell of suntan lotion and salt water just never loses its appeal to me. Sand in my hair, down my bathing suit, and stuck to my feet is not at all bothersome. It's just a reminder of how nice it is outside; how little work one is expected to get done; and that this will last almost 3 months. Even chlorine smells good to me, clean in a way nothing else is clean. Long days when the sun doesn't go down until after 9 pm and when it starts its journey people stop in awe. Summer's holiday, July 4th, is passable. It's a do what you find fun kind of a day. People. No people. Beach. No beach. Barbeque. No barbeque. Fireworks or not. Truthfully, I could go on and on and on about the virtues of summer.......and now it's almost over.

Summer Musings

I am not going to complain today! That is my new mantra. I hope it helps.

My little garden~ Outside my kitchen door I have use of a small part of the yard. There is a small, very small, little slate area and then grass. The landlord said I could do whatever I want back there. So..I made a pot garden! lol Pots with plants on either side of the door. I have lavender, Italian parsley, chives, rosemary and mint on one side. On the other just 2 tomato plants and 1 eggplant. I fret over them every day and water when necessary. No weeding!!! That is the plus side to a pot garden. The downside is ...the plants don't get to big. One tomato plant has just 3 tomatos growing on it, the other has 7! And of course I have no clue as to why one is doing so much better than the other..it's almost like having children.

The beach! ~ I go to the ocean at least once a week. The bay area not so much which is odd because it's easier to get to...I don't know what I would do without the beach.

I have two sisters who haven't spoken in a while because of some rift which they aren't sure they remember. Last weekend I managed to get them together..yay me.

I see my grandchildren almost every day these days. It's lovely.

Years ago I started a Gratitude Journal. It may be something I try again. Haven't had time for painting because of the little ones, but I might be able to start some freelance web writing again. We shall see.

Happy Summer!

To The Beach!

It's been three months since I've posted here and I miss it. I miss putting my thoughts down on virtual paper and getting insightful comments from followers and friends.

So here I am. It's almost the end of June. Still have not retrieved my things but I will when I'm ready. As Older and Wiser pointed out it's just stuff.

For the past 9 months I've lived alone in a little but nice studio apartment. Luckily for me it came furnished. It's very pleasant. The landlords live in the main part of the house but are not intrusive at all. There is even a little part of the yard that is mostly just mine. When I babysit here the kiddies like to go out there and it gives me a place for my morning coffee when weather allows. But yet, it is still just one room. Not quite a home. And at times the walls close in on me. However, after a year and a half of not having a car I managed to get one! It's in good shape and didn't cost much, which is good because it is almost 10 years old. It gets me to the grocery store and doctors appointments so I love it! It was god awful having to depend on others when I ran out of milk or bread let alone needing a whole shopping list of essentials.

Being alone is something I still have to get used to.The transition from a huge household to this is taking longer than I thought it would. The constant quiet can be unsettling and I find myself leaving the television on sometimes even when I sleep. I remember my mom doing that; and I remember her thoughts on being alone after raising 5 kids and having a husband passing. I'm sorry I didn't empathize with you more mom.

One thing I am perplexed by and will go in to in another post at some point. I have not heard from either sister wife at all. Nor any of the kids.

Summer is not only officially here but the weather is co-operating on that front. This is my time of the year. I finally have wheels! To the beach I will go on a semi-regular basis....when I can. Repeat. :)

Suggestions anyone? And a brief update.

I feel the need to start another blog on another site, just because. Haven't decided on the new site yet and still thinking about subject matter. I know it could just be ramblings but I'm not sure I want to do that. So - I've thought about a "Grandma" blog. Would call it, "Gramma's blog" and muse about being a grandmother and all that positive usually anyway lol stuff. A little advice for other grandmas and some personal stuff.

However, I have always wanted to do a more political type blog. My opinions; a little humor maybe. Not sure.

Then of course I could just do a blog about my experience learning how to paint...

Or a poetry blog.

And the ideas go on and on...

Several reasons for looking for a new site include that on this site lately, whether I have the captcha on or not, my comment box gets filled with spam. Some of it very weird. Some advertising blogs. Another reason is that I don't want a new blog connected to my formerly plural lifestyle blog and on this site that can't be helped.

I'm going to need emails of folks here that would like to follow any new blog I write. Please.

Update:
I have still not gone to get my stuff out of storage ... it's more than 1000 miles away and my fear of flying; my not wishing to bump in to anyone; my not knowing how I will pay for the trip which I estimate will take almost a week; my not wanting to stay with friends the whole time; ugh..can you say procrastinating?? I would love to see his family and a couple of friends but I just don't know what to do. His extended family became very dear to me over the years and I miss them but not sure .....so not sure about so many things lately.

A Town and a Nation Broken Hearted

There is nothing worse than losing a child.My parents lost a child, my infant brother. Relatives say my mother was never the same. I only knew her really after the fact and she seemed fine to me, but I'm sure they know what they were talking about. I know she was overly cautious with us at times. I don't really remember her having a sense of humor. And she never talked about it. Never. Neither did my father.

While I have been watching the news coverage of the horrific shooting in Connecticut, more than anything else I am haunted by those 20 children. Twenty little children whose lives were cut down so violently; whose last sounds and images were filled with fear. Our minds can't wrap around the enormity of the horror......and then our minds switch to the parents. The siblings. The grand-parents. The world is broken-hearted.

The unspeakable turns in to the unimaginable when I learn the children and adult victims remain in the school building over night. That their families have not seen them, did not get to hold them one last time. That mothers and fathers spent the night filled with unimaginable grief and emptiness.

The internet, facebook, I imagine twitter, and phone lines, fill up with anti-gun sentiment. Pro-gun sentiment is there as well. Mental health issues and concerns about lack of treatment land on my computer screen. It's still going on today.

I have to tell you that I remain shocked as ever by the pro-gun fanaticism. I have believed in gun control for decades. This after all isn't the first tragedy to hit my television screen. But please notice I said "control". It seems to me the pro-gun people think control is something different than I do, something sinister. Something against our constitutional rights. They don't care about statistics. Nor do they want to hear that the fanatical gun culture in the United States has given us the highest gun violence death rate of any civilized country in history. England, China, France, Australia...many more...all with death rates from guns in the low double digits per year..the United States is up in the thousands...more than 10,000 to be exact. PER YEAR.

So I don't feel any differently about guns than I ever did. You want to hunt deer? Pass a test, get screened, buy a deer hunting rifle. Same if you want to protect your home and family. But there is no reason on God's earth for any civilian to own a gun that can shoot 6 bullets per second. No reason for a gun show to sell an automatic weapon to a teenager, or anyone else that hasn't been screened. No reason for a troubled twentysomething to be able to purchase thousands of rounds of ammunition and explosives off the internet as the Aurora shooter did. No reason, quite frankly for any one other than military or law enforcement to have guns like that. Limiting access to those guns DOES NOT TAKE AWAY YOUR SECOND AMENDMENT RIGHTS. All it does is make us safer as a nation.

All it does is allow parents to confidently send their children off to school in the morning.

All it does is make sense.

We are being sent a message, but will we listen?

Thanksgiving Reflection

Wow, didn't realize it had been two months since my last post. Settled in to a small, very small apartment, more like a room with a closet of a kitchen, but oh well. Who do I have to cook for?

I have reflected some on what I have to be thankful for this year:
For one, I am closer to my children both physically and emotionally. Although since I spent almost every day the past year with my oldest,, I think he may be tired of his mom.

My youngest boy is doing better. Both boys are back to school, I should refer to them as men. I am both surprised and proud of that.

My three absolutely beautiful, fun, and loving grand children. The oldest, only 4 is wise beyond his years and just a lot of fun. My delightful grand daughter, 16 months, who makes me smile everyday. She is a handful just as her dad was as a youngin, but she is a kisser and a hugger and I need her presence in my life. The baby, 6 months, who I worried about them having and not being able to afford him..he is adorable and embedded in my heart at this point, that I barely remember wishing he wasn't coming along..and regret thinking those thoughts.

My sisters, all three, ......imperfect, bossy, sometimes judgmental. I don't care. They are my best friends and I only recently discovered that.

My niece. One of three, she is so kind and beautiful, and I am so proud of her. The rest of those cousins I have not gotten close to but they are all grown and don't live close.

The roof over my head. So many have recently become homeless due to Hurricane Sandy, I can't imagine their loss.

My parents. Long gone, but their influence stays with me. They instilled a strong moral compass in us that I have occasionally strayed from, but never got completely lost, and always find my way back.Everything about the way they lived their lives taught me to care about other people; try to do the right thing; and never lose sight of family.

I am thankful that I have had this blog and it's readers during this journey.

That through all my past mistakes; all the pain I mostly self inflicted on myself; through a tremendous health crisis; through every trial and tribulation I have ever experienced ~ I have survived.

Dream Ended

My journey in plural marriage is done. Foolishly I thought being away would perhaps spark the old feelings and rescue what was left of my part in the marriage...I was wrong.

The youngest boy kept me there...actually, I do believe he kept me alive during the worst of fighting breast cancer and during the worst of the marriage. I had known him since he was barely two years old and I could see my influence on him. Unlike his father and older brother, he is a social being. Dropping him off or picking him up from preschool was a joy. But I digress. Truth is, the youngest grandson in that house, also aided me in my decision to never return. I don't want to hurt him or his siblings by coming and going and coming and going. I hope someday someone will explain that to them.

I feel relief. Sadness. Frustration. Some Anger, mostly at myself. I was surprised there has been no grieving on my part for relationships lost, a marriage gone. Then I realized that I had grieved for that long ago. I have never experienced as much heartbreak as I felt when I was there. I'm a person that cherishes alone time, but I grew to feeling so alone. More than being alone, I was always even in the midst of all the many people who were in and out of that house ... just alone.

There will be no contact with what had become my other family. No phone calls, emails, Christmas cards. I am sorry for any hurt I have caused. So sorry that the dream ended. The hopes I had for a new, better life; for love and happiness and fun have been gone for quite a while. Truth is only the young children missed me all this time I've been gone. I try to remember the good times, but it's a stretch because they are long ago. Unfortunately they are replaced by memories of deception and pain, as though I had been emotionally raped and stripped of everything I ever held dear; especially a lifetime of working on my self-esteem. Financially I have gone from sailing on a ship to far away places to being strapped and stressed beyond my wildest dreams.

So, while I may not disapprove of the plural lifestyle, for me the journey has ended. the dream has vanished. And I am, I hope, alone in a good way.

Dreams and Ambitions and Life

So through the generosity of a family member I have had the good fortune to be able to watch a show on HBO TV called "Newsroom". I'll be honest the first episode didn't impress me except for the wonderful performance turned in by Sam Waterson. However, I felt compelled to keep watching. There have been 5 episodes thus far, each getting better and better, but that's not why I'm writing this.

I'm mostly writing this to remind myself of a couple of dreams and ambitions I've had throughout my life that were actually good!

As a child I wasn't a stellar student. I was what was known back then in the dinosaur age as an "underachiever." Today, many underachievers are diagnosed with ADHD or ADD. I wasn't hyperactive, I just preferred to sit in class and daydream. Dreaming of the typical young girl things like being a movie star like Tuesday Weld or Elizabeth Taylor soon progressed once I reached high school age. In a private Catholic boarding school one of the nuns recognized my ability to put my thoughts down on paper. I soon became a reporter for the school newspaper and in my senior year the editor of the Literary Magazine. College and the 1960's and 70's totally sidetracked me with an enormous interest in politics and the News. And then a couple of marriages and children got in the way. During the years I was a stay at home mother, volunteerism and activism fueled my soul. I volunteered at their schools; and campaigned for the environment mostly. Occasionally, I'm not sure why, I did PR work for whatever group I was active in. Newsletters, letters to the editor and guest editorials and features.

Then an eccentric woman who started a weekly newspaper with her grown son tapped me to work for her. At first I did everything but I stunk at selling advertisements so I stuck to reporting. In the newsroom, my nickname soon became "Front Page." I covered school board meetings, local crime (the most fun I hate to admit), and local politics. I can not describe how much I felt at home in the newsroom. I owe a lot to my now deceased mentor. To make a long story a little shorter, I wound up working for a Pol in PR and Press relations. I daydreamed occasionally that I worked for one of the TV stations I dealt with writing news. Though that never happened, it wasn't a bad ambition to have. It kept me focused on what was important to write and occasionally spin.

Life can get in the way of our ambitions. I've often thought I never reached my potential because I have always been an "underachiever." But I think my point today is that I didn't do so poorly...I worked in a field I loved. As I watch the show, Newsroom, my pulse beats a little faster; a smile comes over my face even though serious topics are being discussed.

I come to life for that brief hour. For that time I am not worried about finances; nor am I torn between polygamy and my life with my biological family. I am not sad and I'm not lonely. I have no regret. It's my Calgon moment. It's wonderful!

depression

I didn't realize how long it had been since I last posted. No excuses, I just haven't felt like it. This journey .... I don't know what to say anymore frankly. To be even more brutally honest, my depression seems to have overwhelmed me.

I've suffered from depression on and off for most of my adult life, or so it seems. Throughout my 20s, 30s and even 40s, I managed to control it by myself. I used to just chase it away when it would pop up. Plus, children, especially when they are young, have a way of helping you smile and laugh, and laughter truly is good medicine. I practiced yoga on and off for years; and I always had a large circle of friends. I was busy. If I woke up sad, I learned to brush it off. Unfortunately I think what happens when you are busy trying to keep your sanity is that you neglect other things; make bad decisions; clumsy mistakes; and sometimes let anger take over emotions. There were even times when I had such terrible anxiety that my nerves literally would get the best of me. Eventually, at one difficult time I sought help from a doctor and started taking anti-depression and anxiety medications.

Today I woke up confused. Is this sadness? Anger? Just a funk? Medication doesn't always work...better decision making helps just as much even more sometimes. Decision making has always and continues to be my worst character flaw I think. Two hours after waking up, I just sunk in to despair. All I could think of was how I had ruined my life, my kids lives, probably all three of the husbands I've had, and god knows who else's lives. Remorse and guilt swept over me like huge waves crashing on the beach. After about ten minutes of self-pity I stood up and took some deep breaths. I'll get over this just as I always have. I will hug my grand-babies and smile because that is what I do. I will accept, eventually, that a loving, happy relationship is just not meant to be. I will not let heartbreak and guilt overcome the rest of my life.

I finally understand how my mother (now deceased) felt years after my dad passed away. More than once she would say, "I just need to touch someone and have them touch me." I was so busy at the time being touched (hugged, grabbed, tickled, kissed, patted, etc)by my young children and husband that I didn't empathize at all....Ma, I am so sorry.

Friends Who Ask Nothing

I don't really see myself as a painter/artist, writing is what I do, but I've been painting quite a bit lately. It's relaxing. the lighthouse is an old painting done for the painting class when I first moved across the country. I remember going to that class, a senior education class at a junior college, and feeling so strange with a roomful of strangers. I came to feel like that class was an oasis and those strangers my only friends.

They were women mostly, and approximately my age. They were so hospitable and nice, and some of them quite talented. The teacher was great...easy going and encouraging. She provided a list of needed supplies; and she never said an unkind word. Some of them had taken the yoga class I took for a while. None of them knew my circumstances or lifestyle and there was no need to go in to all that in order to be friendly. All they knew was that I had moved from the Northeast; married a man much younger; and had children, step-kids, and grand-kids. We didn't socialize outside of class but they did invite me to shows an art organization they belonged to held on occasion. They invited me to join, but I never did. Once I drove to the teacher's home to give her a kitten she wanted to adopt. Sometimes one of them would bake and bring goodies in to share. We exchanged small gifts at Christmas or hand-painted greeting cards. When after a year or so I became sick, they comforted me. They were empathetic and offered help that I graciously turned down. When I returned to class some months later with a bandanna around my bald head they complimented me. When my hair grew back they were thrilled for me. We spent the class painting and swapping stories about our grandchildren. I sorely miss those women.

People you meet in life who ask nothing of you except occasional camaraderie are undervalued. They are the best kind of friends. When I left, after that last class, I sat in the parking lot in the car and cried.

Writing and Painting

I used to think I couldn't paint...well I can't lol very well...but it is the hobby I took up when I moved to Hubby's part of the world, as a way of meeting people etc. I believe Hidden Sage first suggested it. I met this group of women roughly my age who while I didn't have a hell of a lot in common with them, I liked them. Of course, the friendships only went so far as I didn't feel I could share my lifestyle choice with them, but in a way I miss them. And I missed the painting so I've begun to pick it up again, it relaxes me. It has taken the place of my writing for the most part. Writing is more disciplined and exact, and my concentration isn't great at the moment.

I admire those who can just sit down and write. I need either inspiration or an assignment...and I have neither right now. This blog has taken the place of a journal. Unfortunately, it's not daily. I think it would be even more boring to people than it is now, if I were to start blogging every single day. So...where is my notebook? lol

Cancer Changed Things

I wasn't able to fly home for my 6 month check up with my oncologist, so I found one here...It was kind of weird going to a different doctor but I did it yesterday. Somehow this feels like an accomplishment :) I didn't fly for several reasons, the two most important: 1) It was too expensive. and 2) I was nervous about it.

It seems like I've been gone so long...I am worried about my relationship with Hubby. We don't seem to communicate from a distance with the ease I thought we would. After all, we had a long distance relationship for many years, why isn't this working this time? I honestly thought putting a distance between us would help bring us closer again. I really thought it would, but it hasn't. Oh my god I miss those grand babies! I don't think they could possibly understand how much. But I didn't enter in to this plural marriage for the grand babies it included, so I have to try not to focus on my love for them so much. I even miss the extended family..nieces, etc. I miss the practicality of #1 and her sisterly ways. I wish I could say I miss #2 but I'm not sure I do. Hubby, well I'm just confused about him. I miss him and yet it's different than when I used to miss him.

Having cancer changed me. It changed our relationship too. But it didn't change me necessarily for the better or our relationship either. I don't want to say I've become a selfish, self-absorbed person, but I do find myself focusing on myself. I want what I want. I don't feel like doing a lot of things I used to do regularly, like writing for instance, or cooking. The changes in the relationship with Hubby are super complicated and hard to explain, but they are bold and bothersome.

I keep thinking these issues are going to resolve....but honestly, I don't think he misses me one bit. Ok, maybe one bit but not much more than that. At one time I thought we had an extremely close relationship, like best friends...but I'm not feeling that vibe so to speak at the moment and haven't ever since I got sick. Having and fighting cancer changed all that.

Politically Speaking This Is Me

Politically I guess you would say I'm a liberal Democrat...to some that would seem a contradiction to plural marriage. To me it makes sense.

Political conservatives (and most Republicans) are not in my humble opinion socially inclusive. Most don't believe gays should marry, or adopt, or in some cases even exist. Polygamy? Plural marriage? Alternative life styles are not their cup of tea. Which brings up the Tea Party Republicans who I don't quite understand at all.

Liberals and I venture to say most Democrats and some Libertarians are broad minded enough to be able to embrace folks who live differently than the mainstream.

And then there are the poor among us. The Bible is full of passages in both the New and Old Testament about our obligation to take care of the poor and disadvantaged. Those I would identify in that category would be the unemployed, the disabled, the elderly, young children and others who are homeless. And yet many among us particularly those who wish to be in "power" in our country, seek to eliminate "entitlements" they consider not to be of their concern..like unemployment benefits, medicare, social security, medicaid, etc. etc. Oh they seem to say, we have millions of folks without healthcare? Oh well, not my fault they are lazy.

The irony of the Evangelical Christian Right is not lost. Someone posted this quote from Stephen Colbert on my facebook page and it made me sit up...

“If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.”

You don't have to be a "Christian" to see the truth in that. Most religions have as a tenant to help the poor.

Yet every time a politician wants to do something to forward the poor and unfortunately now, what used to be the middle class, he or she is beaten back by a stick wielded by a political conservative. Thus, I simply cannot relate to those who identify themselves as such.

Of course I would like to see a balanced budget and lower taxes. All though I will never understand why the rich don't pay more. Of course I want our country to fight terrorism. Yes, of course I would like to see your business prosper and our citizens safe. Yes, I am conflicted about the undocumented residents harbored inside our borders, I am after all the grandchild of immigrants, but I also recognize the problems. And of course I would like to stop the flow of drugs in to our country. Being liberal doesn't equate to being stupid or un-American or even a socialist.

You may disagree with me of course, as is your privilege, and I will like you anyway, as is my way. I just wanted to open a window for you to see who I am.

Forgiveness is the Solution to Everything....Courtesy of Steven Tyler

I haven't written here in a while mostly because I was feeling like I was whining too much. But I have something I would like to share.

I'm not a HUGE fan of Oprah Winfrey but occasionally she does something that strikes a chord in me. She has started a new show on her network OWN, called The Next Chapter. Her first show was a two hour long interview with rock icon Steven Tyler at his home in New Hampshire. I knew I always like Aerosmith's lyrics and I know lead singer Tyler has had a tumultuous life, in large part because he was/is a drug addict. But he is enormously talented and apparently a strong person with strong ties to his family and his roots. This interview was amazing..

At one point in the interview Oprah asks him how he has survived what with his infamous drug use, his conquering hepatitis C and his professional/personal troubles. He says something like..Forgiveness is the solution to everything..or the answer to everything..I can't remember which even though I watched it twice. But the concept struck a deep chord within me. I sometimes have trouble forgiving. And then when I do manage to forgive, I can't seem to "forget." That's a problem I will always have to work on.

Forgiveness. What does that mean? Why is it so hard to forgive? And why is it so necessary?

Years ago, an acquaintance of mine lost her 19 year old son in a terrible car accident that was probably the fault of the driver of the car her son was in. At the funeral in the church, the young man sat next to her. He came out of the accident barely injured physically. The whole family embraced him and comforted him as he comforted them. He was never quite the same afterwards but he eventually moved forward, joined the Navy and had a life...as did they. Of course they were deeply saddened but they were able to continue in a way their son would have wanted.

A few years later a good friend lost her young son in a car accident when the driver of the vehicle fell asleep at the wheel and they hit an enormous tree. Again the driver was barely hurt. But he did not appear at the funeral and my friend never spoke to him. Both she and her husband became unhappy and bitter. I don't think the sadness ever lifted from their eyes and their professional and personal lives suffered.

I remember at that first funeral remarking to someone how heart warming it was to see the family and the driver together. The answer I got was similar to Steven Tyler's thoughts on forgiveness.

Even if forgiving just chases the negative thoughts out of our heads it's worth a try. But I think, from what I have seen, it can do so much more.

Waiting For The Spark

I watched the Conrad Murray sentencing yesterday on live tv, by myself. Before I go any further let me say honestly that I'm a news junkie; a crime junkie; a political junkie; and I'm not ashamed. It's a habit, all this news watching that I got from my mother. It was reinforced with the advent of the 24 hour news cycle and accelerated during and after the 9/11 tragedy. It's something hubby and I used to share. I miss that.

I'm missing him, even though I'm terribly angry with him. I don't even know all the reasons I'm angry...but somehow disappointment in certain things turned to anger. I am easy to forgive so please know I forgive him for the disappointments and the overwhelming challenges I faced entering in to a plural marriage. I'm not a child and I'm fairly smart and I knew it would be difficult. No one has ever accused me of wearing rose colored glasses. He says he misses me but I'm not sure I believe that.

So here I sit, waiting for a spark to reignite the fire, so to speak. Only then will the anger dissipate.

A reminder of a painful time

I finally found a primary care doctor here. That's the good news, because I have quite a few prescriptions. The bad news is doctors aren't always smart. I don't know if I mentioned it before but I have something called Lymphedemia. It's something breast cancer patients develop a good percentage of the time. It has to do with the removal of lymph nodes making the flow of blood up and down an arm difficult, and it is usually precipitated by too many needles, shots, infusions etc. During the course of my treatment, my "better" arm took a beating and eventually just pooped out. Consequently, unfortunately for me, I have lymphedemia in one arm and the very good possiblility of getting it in the other arm, the one missing the most lymph nodes. I wear a medic alert bracelet that says no needles or blood pressure BOTH arms. You see the swelling that can develop is quite painful, and can be dangerous. So fast forward to this week...the dang doctor said he couldn't get a good reading of blood pressure from my leg so he insisted on using the arm that hadn't developed lympedemia yet. Not only was it painful to have the bp taken in that arm but my arm has been aching terribly since.

I'm so MAD because this isn't the first time I've run into this problem of doctors or nurses being ill prepared to take care of me because of the lymphedemia. Even in the Cancer Center I went to for all my treatments, the lab insisted on taking blood from my so called good arm. Luckily by the time my real good arm went bad the blood work was less frequent. But seriously, how can it be such a problem!!!? Why can't they just adjust and use my leg? I'll tell you why. Because if you've never had Lymphedemia, you can't understand how serious it is or how painful it is. It just looks like a little swelling. And even if you're a doctor, if you aren't a doctor that specifically treats lymphedemia (there is no such thing, doctors refer you to a physical therapy clinic, that's how they treat it, that and compression sleeves and gloves...really attractive btw), you apparently just don't know. Ugh. So aggravating.

All of this just served to remind me of all that has gone on in the past with my treatment of breast cancer. The endless doctor visits...all but the first few I did on my own by myself. Which in turn reminded me of the biggest problem in my marriage.......a problem that has little or nothing to do with polygamy. The fact that I felt so damn alone during that time. So unmarried. So friendless. So adrift. So freaking scared. Eventually, I ceased caring what I even looked like. I really didn't think anyone was ever looking at me. I never was one for a lot of makeup and trust me, cancer patients need make up like fish need water.

I'm sorry this is such a venting post. I'm just feeling very down, very confused and very angry .. mostly at myself.